Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

[BearGryllsDad]

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

Oh and we have a password on YouTube so when on we're aware it's on and able to keep an eye/ear.

@Well, this one isn’t capable of it.

He may be perfectly capable, but unwilling to do so. In which case, you either give him incentives, or disincentives, to encourage the required behaviour, and erase the poor behaviour.

There's an awful lot of shitty drudge in life, at the age of ten, you need to be coming to grips with this, and learning to deal with it with a certain degree of polite resignation.

Wow your standards are super low for a 10 year old.

You’re being very dramatic because of your weird idea of what ‘normal’ is. Bored ten year olds act up. There’s not a deeper secret to it than that. The solution is to manage his behaviour by not trailing him round the exercise, cafe and sales. Job done.

Are you sure he has watched something “off” on YouTube? My friends son saw something weird on kids YouTube and act strangely for days, it’s had a big impact on him and I’ve noticed his language is over sexualised and he appears depress

He has been over on a sleepover recently and may have watched something I have banned him from (stranger things series 4 was mentioned) which I wasn't going to let him watch for anotber year or so. So it could be that.

He's almost 11. You have a very small window of opportunity to correct his behaviour before he's a teenager and starts to pull away.

If he were mine,

I would be taking away technology, explaining that it is a consequence of his behaviour and telling himwhy the behaviour isn't acceptable.

I would also tell him you want him to think about why he behaved that way.

Tell him that you love him but want him to behave,that if there's anything else upsetting him you'll like him to tell you.

Finally tell him you are ready to talk more when he is ready to apologise.

The solution is to manage his behaviour by not trailing him round the exercise, cafe and sales. Job done.

Thats a very restricted life if I can only ever engage him in thrilling child centric activities.

So the solution to a boy who is going into secondary tantrumming is to make sure he never has to do anything he doesn’t want to? And when he tantrums over house chores or school work presumably the same?

I don’t know why you’re so desperate to pretend this is totally average behaviour. It’s unusual and (in my opinion) really quite bad behaviour. The average child of his age should be able to tolerate sometimes doing things that might be boring. Tantrumming and crying when you don’t get your way isn’t the sign of normally developing pre-teen.

Normal? Really? My kid could cope with errands, shopping and walk home by 7/8 without moaning. 10 is easily old enough to behave on a standard trip to town.

@BearGryllsDad

I'm with you, it was unacceptable behaviour from a 10 yo

I do think things have changed so much the past couple of generations. I'm 53 now, so being 10 was a long time ago. Obviously no online ordering, so a lot more running around shops, garden centre, hardware shop and we went because it's what families did. Life wasn't about entertaining children 24/7 it was just family life & shit needed doing, so we did it! I'm very grateful to have grown up when I did.

these days kids have technology they want to get home to, instant gratification entertainment.

unfortunately I think that's hard to change these days, even if you're just starting with babies, let alone 10yr olds.

but you can try to reduce his addiction to it.

you can definitely tell him that behaviour is completely unacceptable and what the consequence of it will be next time!

And making sure he is only exposed to activities he finds fun and exciting is not ‘managing his behaviour.’ If he’s incapable of normal daily tasks he needs to be supported to be able to tolerate some small amounts of boredom. If he’s unwilling he needs to be parented so he doesn’t get the idea that behaving like a toddler will ensure he can spend his days playing online rather than doing anything he considers ‘boring.’

My eldest dd was a bit like that, she wouldn't have got down on the floor but moaning loudly about waiting for us to finish, yes, winding up and teasing siblings, yes, I didn't always handle it very well but I would certainly have given her a couple of warnings about what was going to happen when we got home (no phone or whatever) and I would have carried it out. To be honest it didn't stop the behaviour really and we had many tricky years but she is grown up now and a good egg. All you can do is set fair consequences, stick to them and hope for the best.

No, thats not what I said - I said find the limits of what he can cope with. So next time, maybe skip the sales if he’s already acting up in the cafe. Or
offer him something interesting for being trailed around. Waiting until he kicks off and then punishing for it won’t help avoid the kicking off. So there’s no point in telling the OP her kid isn’t normal (in your opinion) because this is his normal.

I can't manage another battle over technology

You need to be stronger than this. All you are teaching him is that if he pushes and pushes he will get what he wants. Is this what you want him to grow up believing?

A simple trick to help you is to imagine that, instead of asking for youtube, he is asking if he can play with sharp knives or loaded guns. You are going to say a firm no, right? No matter how much he cries, begs, screams, pleads, it ain't gonna happen. He will understand and stop asking. If you are putting limits on tech, the same applies. He needs to understand that you mean it. Then he will stop pushing.

Lucky you! This kid can’t.

Yeah ok.. so children of 10/11 should never have to do something they find boring ? That's appalling parenting. Kids need to learn from an early age that life does not revolve around their needs without consideration of anyone else.

Agree with other posters that had mine behaved like that at any point whilst out in public (or at home) there would be consequences . In this particular case absolutely no screen time for a day. ... repeat it and no screen time for a week.

Why are you being so cagey about what the exercise beforehand involved?

Was it a long trudge into town? Them waiting around somewhere while you went to the gym or did a class? Or something more geared towards them?

To be honest, I think it just all sounds a bit dull for a 10yo boy. That's not to say his behaviour was acceptable, but I can kind of understand why he was frustrated - it was a day all about you. Your exercise, your shopping trip, your plan to go to the M&S café) etc.

6yos are generally happy to do whatever as long as they're with their parent, but at 10 it's a bit different, I think. I think I would have picked somewhere a bit more "fun" for lunch, or promised an ice-cream on the way home after the shops.

Next time threaten him with a 24 hour screen detox and make sure you follow it through. It will be a battle of wills but you must stick to it.

That’s not what I said. I said manage his behaviour. How long did the mysterious exercise take?

Do you want advice on how to make his life better? Or do you want a list of posters telling you your kid isn’t normal and listing ways you could make his life a bit shit by punishing him?

Absolutely kids should be able to come along for mundane life admin but it sounds like OP had a full morning of self indulgence and expected them to enjoy it. No I don’t think that’s realistic. What was the exercise?

When you said you were feeling shaky, I was expecting much worse. I remember violent door slamming behaviour from my 13-14 year old DS that came with a realisation that he was now too big and strong for me to physically restrain him, should it ever be necessary.

Your DS’s behaviour sounds pretty annoying certainly. I think laying out consequences at the time (no computer for a couple of hours when he gets home unless he stops, for example) might have got his attention, or if not, when you followed through and did whatever you said you would, then it would make him think twice next time.

That said, I think you need to steel yourself for the teenage years. They can be really tough. Start putting boundaries in now or it could be worse later. Puberty can turn lovely children into nightmares!

Mone turned out fine, by the way.

You don’t have to do it now. Maybe just plan for the future how to manage screen time. If he does a lot of you tube or gaming it can be addictive and so I guess he might be craving it almost like an addiction.

Boring them shitless and then punishing them for it is appalling parenting.

I agree he should be able to do what you've asked of him, how much trudging and waiting do you do for him

Actually a great deal. Back and forward to sports clubs at least 3 days a week. To friends and back. Just whatever he needs. That's partly why I feel he should be able to return the favour now and again.

Lucky you! This kid can’t.

'Won't' is not the same as 'can't'.

I remember one of mine kicking off when we were out, roughly the same age, but with the attitude, and the whining.

I cut the trip short, we went home, I told her to go to her bedroom, and come out when she was ready to apologise, and what she was apologising for. No screens etc.

It gave me time to cool down, which was good, because I was bloody furious, it was a special outing, and had been ruined for everyone. I'd reached the coldly and deadly quietly furious stage.

I don't recall her ever reaching such cat 5 obnoxiousness when out again, lol.