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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

644 replies

BearGryllsDad · 21/08/2022 16:19

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 21/08/2022 16:32

And in my experience it’s not at all normal for a 10 year old. How many NT 10/11 year olds do you see lying on the floor at M&S whinging that they want to go home? Or crying in a cafe because they want to go home? Or sitting in their year 6 classroom crying and tantrumming because maths is boring? If it was ‘normal’ we’d see it often. It isn’t, so we don’t.

ConsuelaHammock · 21/08/2022 16:32

Take YouTube away from him and tell him the same will happen every single time he misbehaves like this again. It’s a battle but it’s worth it in the long run. I have a teenage boy, nip this in the bud.

MolliciousIntent · 21/08/2022 16:33

HotDogKetchup · 21/08/2022 16:22

if that’s the worst of his behaviour I think he sounds like an alright kid….

Really!? I think that sounds absolutely unbearable.

Petronus · 21/08/2022 16:33

Some kids really hate shopping and trudging round the sale is dull. My older ds hates shopping. If he is great in general I would just chalk this up to one of those things (don’t we all have a bad day sometimes?) and move on without any tiresome punishments.

Timeforabiscuit · 21/08/2022 16:33

BTW, garden centres and b&q are perfect training grounds - absolutely no chance of a reward at the end and boring as hell - but an excellent lesson in how keeping a home running isnt done by magic.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 21/08/2022 16:33

in my house he wouldn't see an electronic device for weeks. I turned off the Internet once, years ago, never had to do it again!

Original poster
BearGryllsDad · 21/08/2022 16:34

Is he moving up to secondary in Sept? Could it be anxiety?

There is something off with him at the moment. He's going into year 6 but it could be anxiety. Who knows.

OP posts:
alotoftutus · 21/08/2022 16:34

My son is the same age and I absolutely would not expect this behaviour from him. My 4 year old yes but definitely not 10, he's way too old to be having a tantrum on the floor in my opinion.

I understand the shops were boring but sometimes things have to be done that are. Not everything needs to be fun and exciting, and it's important for children to know the world doesn't just revolve around their wants. YANBU to expect to be able to finish your meal I would furious too.

I would have said no screen when we got home and he would have needed some quite time in his bedroom so I could calm down.

Hope you're ok xx

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 16:34

Kanaloa · 21/08/2022 16:32

And in my experience it’s not at all normal for a 10 year old. How many NT 10/11 year olds do you see lying on the floor at M&S whinging that they want to go home? Or crying in a cafe because they want to go home? Or sitting in their year 6 classroom crying and tantrumming because maths is boring? If it was ‘normal’ we’d see it often. It isn’t, so we don’t.

Kids absolutely play up with maths is boring! And it’s totally normal for a kid to play up when they’ve been dragged around doing boring chores on a weekend.

Kanaloa · 21/08/2022 16:35

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 16:32

Plus the length of time the mysterious exercise took, plus the length of time to get to the shops. Not just a quick cafe treat then watching your mum at the sales.

Show quote history

He is almost 11 years old. A ‘quick cafe treat’ is for a little toddler. A boy of nearly 11 should be more than capable of walking into town, having lunch with his family, then waiting while his mother gets some shopping. It is neither normal or acceptable for an almost secondary school aged child to lie on the floor crying because he isn’t having his own way.

ParsleyPesto · 21/08/2022 16:36

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 21/08/2022 16:29

You're kidding right?

if you think that's perfectly acceptable behaviour by a 29yo in a shop, I hate to think what your kids are like

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They didn’t say it was acceptable, that’s your word. And your comment about their children is just rude.

glamourousindierockandroll · 21/08/2022 16:36

My son is just 5 but I stopped him using Youtube Kids a few months ago because I really noticed a difference in his behaviour. I'm pretty relaxed about TV in general but something about Youtube just seems to make him obstinate and grumpy.

Kanaloa · 21/08/2022 16:38

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 16:34

Kids absolutely play up with maths is boring! And it’s totally normal for a kid to play up when they’ve been dragged around doing boring chores on a weekend.

Show quote history

It isn’t normal. When have you seen a NT Year 6 throwing himself around the floor crying because maths is boring? When have you ever seen a high school age child tantrumming on the floor in a shop? It is not totally normal behaviour - it’s very unusual and quite poor behaviour for a boy about to go into secondary school to be sitting crying because he has finished his meal and wants everyone else to leave the cafe.

A bit of ‘mum this is booring, when are we going home’ is ‘totally normal.’ Crying and throwing yourself around the floor when you’re not getting your way is abnormal behaviour for a child of this age.

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 16:38

Kanaloa · 21/08/2022 16:35

He is almost 11 years old. A ‘quick cafe treat’ is for a little toddler. A boy of nearly 11 should be more than capable of walking into town, having lunch with his family, then waiting while his mother gets some shopping. It is neither normal or acceptable for an almost secondary school aged child to lie on the floor crying because he isn’t having his own way.

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Well, this one isn’t capable of it.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 21/08/2022 16:38

I would say no more YT unless YT kids via the main TV (if possible) you can go down some awful rabbit holes in just a few clicks. I would also try and have a chat about how he's feeling generally to see if he is feeling worried about anything re school, for example do his school make a big deal re SATS? Ours are still tiny, but DH's niece was made poorly by pressure from the school to the point where her parents moved to HS for the final year with Kumon as a 'top up'. You should still tell him that he did not behave in an appropriate way today though.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/08/2022 16:39

Am I right in assuming his Youtube access is unsupervised?

Because there is some dodgy stuff that I wouldn't want a 10 year old seeing on there.

teezletangler · 21/08/2022 16:39

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise.

I'm not excusing the behaviour, but what does this mean? Was it a short/long walk, or were they first hanging around while OP did a gym workout? If the latter, I'm not surprised that a 10 year old would be completely done in by boredom at that point.

HotDogKetchup · 21/08/2022 16:39

ParsleyPesto · 21/08/2022 16:36

They didn’t say it was acceptable, that’s your word. And your comment about their children is just rude.

Show quote history

Thank you. Not acceptable, not ok, definitely time for OP to reflect on how she can better manage it for next time (maybe brief him before he gets there or lower her expectations if he’s not in a great mood) BUT do I think it’s terrible? No, kids are annoying, mine too. I just tend to try and look objectively and remove emotion.

Kanaloa · 21/08/2022 16:40

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 16:38

Well, this one isn’t capable of it.

Show quote history

Or he is just aware that if he behaves a certain way he gets to go home and plug himself into the computer. If he’s genuinely not capable of normal everyday activity such as going for lunch and shopping then OP should of course go into his school immediately and try to access extra support for her child, because he is behaving at the expected level of a 2-4 year old and not a 10-11 year old.

HotDogKetchup · 21/08/2022 16:40

BearGryllsDad · 21/08/2022 16:24

if that’s the worst of his behaviour I think he sounds like an alright kid….

Really? Crying because I wouldn't leave the cafe half way through my meal, writhing around on the floor in M and S because I wouldn't immediately leave? He is neurotypical so it's not a sensory thing.

Yeah it’s not great but if that’s really rattled you that much it tells me he’s otherwise ok!

user1471462428 · 21/08/2022 16:40

Are you sure he has watched something “off” on YouTube? My friends son saw something weird on kids YouTube and act strangely for days, it’s had a big impact on him and I’ve noticed his language is over sexualised and he appears depressed.

Original poster
BearGryllsDad · 21/08/2022 16:40

understand the shops were boring but sometimes things have to be done that are. Not everything needs to be fun and exciting, and it's important for children to know the world doesn't just revolve around their wants. YANBU to expect to be able to finish your meal I would furious too.

At one point in the cafe he either purposely or carelessly bounced his arms up and down on the table spilling my hot tea. I think that's the point at which my internal rage began to kick in. For reference his 6 year old younger brother sat nicely the whole time.

OP posts:
mikado1 · 21/08/2022 16:41

YouTube on weekends only here, and even then there's a limit. My 10yo could absolutely do this OP and unfortunately if he was in that mood, it's imposing to shake him out in the moment. Funnily enough, if on his own with me, he would go much longer, easier to rile up younger sibling perhaps. I agree he should be able to do what you've asked of him, how much trudging and waiting do you do for him? You rightly expect his cooperation at times, it can't be a one way street and I'd tell him so and I do here, repeatedly Next time warn him before you go, set a limit if you want and acknowledge the difference if he manages it! I sympathise as yes this type of behaviour, and I think it can be both controlling and anxious, is absolutely draining.

DonutDoThat · 21/08/2022 16:42

Pumperthepumper · 21/08/2022 16:26

It wasn’t just half an hour though, what was the exercise part? A walk into town? Plus a cafe is really dull for kids, as is watching your mum rake through sales. I think you could have been more understanding of how bored he was, and then avoided the poor behaviour.

I agree with this, it sounds like a long and boring day for kids tbh.

Not saying it's ok for him to be throwing himself on the floor but I can understand why he was bored shitless

Cats23 · 21/08/2022 16:42

alotoftutus · 21/08/2022 16:34

My son is the same age and I absolutely would not expect this behaviour from him. My 4 year old yes but definitely not 10, he's way too old to be having a tantrum on the floor in my opinion.

I understand the shops were boring but sometimes things have to be done that are. Not everything needs to be fun and exciting, and it's important for children to know the world doesn't just revolve around their wants. YANBU to expect to be able to finish your meal I would furious too.

I would have said no screen when we got home and he would have needed some quite time in his bedroom so I could calm down.

Hope you're ok xx

My DC get a day ban on screens if they play me up (age 5&7) if the 14yr old played up this way he would be getting atleast 3x days ban