Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

[BearGryllsDad]

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

There's unlikely to be a single reason for this tbh, OP, but hormones are likely to play a big part! All of my DSs (I have 3) have been at their most challenging between 10-11. Friends with boys of similar ages have said the same!

The YouTube/screentime is a separate issue, IMO. YT is banned from our home and our children's behaviour surrounding screen time is notably different from others as a consequence. My DC have unlimited access to TV and games, but often choose other activities. YT algorithym has a horrible effect on behaviour.

He needs to lose serious privileges. He ruined your day out by behaving like a little shit, so if you have anything planned for this next week (friend’s party, playdate etc) it’s cancelled. And get rid of all his screens (doesn’t need them) until he can earn them back.

The difference is you recognised it wasn’t going well, took her home and addressed it. That’s exactly what I would have done when I realised it was going badly.

Next time warn him that to earn screen time after shopping he must behave while shopping. Carry through with any threats

But you chose to have children and to take on all the work involved!

It's not his job to "return the favour". It's your job as a parent to make sure your day is appropriate for your DC - IMO that involves doing something child-centric, or at least getting them involved in the plans for the day, and maybe offering them a trip to the park or McDonald's if everything else is going to be about the parent.

The solution is to manage his behaviour by not trailing him round the exercise, cafe and sales. Job done.

The only "job" this will do is create yet another self absorbed, selfish man-child who believes boring stuff is beneath him and he doesn't have to do all the adulting stuff because it's a woman's job to do it. As adults, our job isn't to pander to them and let them away with behaviour like this so they avoid participating in standard family life - our job is to raise functioning adults.

It's not "weird" at all to expect a 10 year old to manage to behave for a day. They should be far past the stage of "acting up" ie throwing themselves on floors in public fgs! A quiet moan to Mum or asking how much longer, yeah fine. What he did - ridiculous.

If you honestly think this is "ok" Pumper rather than just being on the wind-up, I despair.

By the way, for the pp saying the day was all about me, I had promised to find him a football pitch on the way home to kick about as an incentive. Also they had a nice lunch. That wasn't all about me either.

Yup. Any sign of behaviour like that and my 9 year old catches himself a big old screen ban.

Consequences, OP. Give him some!!

I didn’t say it was ok - I said it’s because he was bored. So the OP can either manage that by helping him with it, or allow him to behave like that and then punish him later. Which won’t work.

How long did the exercise take?

You're still not answering all the questions about what this "exercise" was that you had to do.

But let's be fair - an M&S café isn't a treat for a 10yo boy. You went there because it was convenient and there was a sale on you wanted to browse!

It's not anxiety
It's not YouTube (well not entirely)
It's not the sleepover
It's the lack of consequences.

He behaved in your words 'so badly you were shaking' and then had zero consequences for it. I suspect this has been the case for a long time. If no boundaries and consequences you can't expect your children to just develop them.

Parenting is bloody hard work. But you need to start instilling some consequences if a bit of a pain in the arse behaviour is going to leave you shaking.

Also couldn't ms sake wait after being dragged around for your mysterious exercise???

It's not your 10 year olds job to return the favour. It is his job to have respect but it ls your job to teach it and instil it

From primary mine were told things like we need to go shoe shopping. The way the world works is if I get what I want, which is you acting cordial to everyone and we get shoes, then you get what you want which is tech/park or whatever. This is also how jobs work, the boss says I want this, you do it so they get what they want and in return you get money which is what you want.

I would tell him that today his behaviour was completely unacceptable and hopefully none of his school friends saw him writhing around on the floor. Ask him what would happen if he did that in a classroom? If the teacher asked him to do something he didn't want to do and he rolled around on the floor complaining? Obviously it would be unacceptable and so he is choosing to behave that way with you. Ask him what he thinks his punishment should be for such behaviour?

This behaviour is a tall tantrum. It is what toddlers do but he is 10. You need to lay out expectations now about behaviour when he is asked to do something he doesn't want to do. Perhaps tell him all the things you do that you don't like doing, it might even involve the school run every day. I have done this with my own children. You need to get this under control now because by 13 both my sons towered over me. You need to discipline him but talk to him about why.

Yes it is a battle but it is one you have to win, every single time. Computers are a reward for good behaviour, not a right. Cut him off.

The only "job" this will do is create yet another self absorbed, selfish man-child who believes boring stuff is beneath him and he doesn't have to do all the adulting stuff because it's a woman's job to do it. As adults, our job isn't to pander to them and let them away with behaviour like this so they avoid participating in standard family life - our job is to raise functioning adults.

Actually this is my concern too. I don't want to raise a man /boy that thinks he can control a woman in his life and make all the decisions about where to go and what to do. I know he's just 10 nearly 11. But in 7 years he will be let loose on the world.

How many 10 and 6 year olds are like
'Yeah I went for a lovely lunch with my mum'

I also find singing a song in your head helps when they are pissing you off. Mine is Tom Petty I won't back down

My 9yo would definitely not behave like this but she wouldn’t have done at 2 either. However, I also have a 12 year old with a tendency to behave in a ‘babyish’ manner on occasion (I think usually triggered by a combination tiredness, hunger and hormones) . He wouldn’t behave like this because he knows the consequences wouldn’t be worth it but he’s always been a bit inclined to moaning and tantrums. You need to go back to basics. Set expectations with him before any trip, tell him what behaviours you do/don’t expect, explain what the consequences will be if he can’t behave in a reasonable manner. Carry out any consequences if he can’t behave properly. I would definitely be instating a screen ban for a start.

This 100%. It sounds as if he is behaving badly because he can.

So what’s your solution?

Well at the risk of sounding like a smug tw*t, my 9 year old would!

‘Helping him with it’ doesn’t mean allowing him not to do it, which is what you’ve suggested. And providing consequences will work, because next time op will say ‘you need to behave while we do x job or you will have y consequence’ and he’ll remember that. It will break the link he has now created of acting like a baby equalling going home to enjoy YouTube.

@babynoname22 so we are only ever meant to make children do stuff they want to do? So no shoe shopping, clothes shopping, visiting relatives? Where would that stop? No school work they don't find interesting. Life is fucking boring, the sooner they accept this the better.

Two words. Tech ban.

You're still not answering all the questions about what this "exercise" was that you had to do.

It was a 40 minute session. There's no need for me to go into details.

Why the hell shouldn't she have browsed the sales / had lunch at a place of her choice?! If she panders to him and just does kidcentric things with him all the time, another entitled little Tarquin will be created!