Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

[BearGryllsDad]

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

My point is who knows why he was doing that, and I think it would be better for OP to try and find out rather than arbitrarily taking away things that make him happy. I think it just teaches the 'you have to do what I say or you don't get what you want' rather then teaching him to be kind and understanding, to listen to others etc. If you get a bit grumpy about doing something you don't want to, or who knows, shout at your kids because you're stressed out, what punishment do you get? I'm just trying to suggest there are other ways to teach things then punishments that will make them more unhappy.

No, but I'm not 10. I've had an extra 30 years of practice of thinking about other people's needs

if that’s the worst of his behaviour I think he sounds like an alright kid….

Really? Maybe from a 4 year old but not from a 10 year old.

@catflycat

he shouldn’t be behaving like that at 10

if he was 2 yes

but not ten

he’ll be going to secondary school!

@catflycat

maybe in the aftermath of that behaviour he shouldn’t be feeling happy. Taking those things away from him gives him chance to reflect on how’s he’s behaved and why it was out of order

children don’t have to be happy 24/7 every day you know

He's clearly already unhappy though, surely? Otherwise he wouldn't be behaving like that in the moment. Honestly with some kids this endless threatening and taking things away just doesn't work - when the threat of youtube stops working, what next? To me it's just adding to everyone's misery - unless some sort of youtube addiction was the direct cause of him being so upset at being out in town, why is that the thing that needs to go? Maybe he needs to understand more what mum needs to get done, maybe they can discuss strategies so he can help with those things and get home more quickly, maybe he wasn't feeling well and could have been left at home, maybe he was hungry and didn't like the food. Who knows - in my experience with my own it's very rarely the obvious thing that't bothering them when they behave like this.

One of mine got very angry playing a board game the other day - he shouted to accuse his sister of cheating, stormed off asking to be left alone. He's neatly 10, it was a huge prolonged outburst and it seemed pretty unreasonable - I could have told him off, or shouted back, or banned him from something, it would have blown the whole thing up and dragged it on for the rest of the day or the next day - it turned out through talking calmly when he was ready that he was upset because the last time he played the game was with my dad who we lost earlier in the year, and we weren't playing it the way grandad did. He just needed love and time and reassurance that we were all feeling the same, not some arbitrary punishment. I'm not saying by the way that we always get the right - I just wanted to point out that he''s communicating something and you can do things to build trust and help him, and in my opinion arbitrary punishments don't get to the bottom of what's going on nor demonstrate the behaviors you want him to possess. It's a bit like smacking a child who hits someone to make sure they know hitting is wrong. Surely if you want him to be patient and understanding and empathetic, the best way is to show him how to be like that by treating him with kindness, patience and empathy?

@catflycat

ops son just didn’t want to be doing what he was doing

so he acted up and was badly behaved

there isn’t a psychological reason behind absolutely everything

and saying he might be nervous about secondary school doesn’t not justify rolling around and crying to go before everyone has finished eating! Not by a long chalk

I would go through his internet history and check out exactly what he has been watching online, and when. Youtube has some great stuff on it, but also some unbelievably toxic things that no child should be exposed to.
Someday soon, get some mother and son time and try to get him to talk about the shopping incident, and to let him know that his behaviour was unacceptable. But also try to draw him out...is there something going on that he needs to tell you?
It could be that he's being a bit of a brat atm, but it might be something else, including being up too late, if he has a phone or computer in his bedroom. Just a thought.

Toddlers and children are enabled by adults to create content. And it’s all done to make money! Not for the greater good.

Had another episode the last day or 2. Bad behaviour. Got in a fight with his brother. Winding his brother up. Moaning at me I a strop because I moved his football gear (to clean). I feel like I'm in a controlling relationship with a nearly 11 year old. I know this sounds dramatic and I should be the bigger person but I really actually don't like him very much sometimes.

Sorry. Name changed

He is nearly 11. He would have been fine left at home

It is actually OK to not want to leave a non-trustworthy 10YO at home alone for several hours…

There’s nothing wrong with giving him a big bollocking about a bad attitude every now and again. My eldest DS needed one every now and again to keep him (mainly) in line, and stop some selfish behaviours. You need to clamp down on him and not let him control you.

Unplug YouTube. He earns the privilege of watching it again by excellent behaviour for the next three months when you all go places. Until then, nothing, and keep a record of behaviour and give him a reminder before you go out. Tell him every breach of behaviour expectations adds a week to his YouTube/iPad loss.

Do not let the pink shirt remark go unpunished. That was awful. Where is he hearing this homophobia?

Do not let him wind-up his younger brother either at home or while out. That can also count against him for his access to a screen.

I assume you're not in the habit of dragging the children along with you when you go out looking for something in a shop. Don't overdo that all the same. Shopping isn't a great experience for kids. This isn't to excuse his bad behaviour.

So… he’s too young to possibly expect him to be able to behave appropriately doing one morning of errands, but perfectly fine and responsible to be left alone all morning in the house? I don’t think so. He’s clearly
not got the capacity to be left alone to care for himself - he cries and rolls round the floor when he’s finished eating if his mum doesn’t immediately jump up and leave the cafe.

You do realise that it is illegal to leave a 10 or 11 year old alone in the house ? they cant be left till they are 12 legally.

Not true.

OP - so the bad behaviour continues.
what sanctions have you put in place?

That’s just not true. Why do people post such nonsense as if it were fact?

So although technically not illegal the gov guidelines / NSPCC says this :

The law does not say an age when you can leave a child on their own, but it’s an offence to leave a child alone if it places them at risk.
Use your judgement on how mature your child is before you decide to leave them alone, for example at home or in a car.
The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) says:
children under 12 are rarely mature enough to be left alone for a long period of time
children under 16 should not be left alone overnight
babies, toddlers and very young children should never be left alone

see second post on this
I would not say that this child is mature enough to be left alone if he still has tantrums at nearly 11

although technically not illegal

which means it is not illegal.

illegal means “against the law”

if it was illegal the wording would be “must not” not “should”. The language is very specific for a reason. And that reason is quite simple - there is no law governing this.

I think you hit the nail on the head! He thinks it's YouTube and chill - or this. If you say only 1hr YouTube a day and it's earned by good behaviour, that'll help a LOT - and also ending his belief that it's YouTube or (any other option).