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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

644 replies

BearGryllsDad · 21/08/2022 16:19

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 22/08/2022 19:12

@Redjoy

it was a couple of hours he just had to fit in
he also got a nice lunch out
he also had the opportunity for football in the afternoon

Taillighttoobright · 22/08/2022 19:13

Redjoy · 22/08/2022 19:04

So. You take your kid to sit and watch whilst you do an exercise class, and then drag him round the sales? Might I suggest you do that stuff whilst he’s at school and stop being so selfish? And if you are “ crying and shaking” after that, heaven alone knows what you’ll be like when he starts exhibiting teenage behaviour. Get over yourself!

Wow.
At 10 he has to learn that he fits in around other people.
He’s been indulged at some point and now thinks he rules the roost; it’s not too late to unpick that thinking, OP, but it’s going to take firm boundaries.
A warning that, if he asked to leave one more time, he would lose his screen privileges for the rest of the day and then carrying that threat through even when he turns on the sweetness would be a start.
Please ignore the posters saying that his behaviour is a result of his boredom, poor mite. He’s manipulating you. He’ll be a much happier older teen if he learns now not to expect his way all the time.

Harrysmummy246 · 22/08/2022 19:13

BearGryllsDad · 22/08/2022 14:01

But that doesn't mean the day couldn't have been handled better. If OP really had to go to her class, then why not take the kids for a run about afterwards?

Cos they were hangry at that point. Also I'm really glad I took him along to the exercise class. Today I caught him on his laptop doing a workout. Clearly I modeled it yesterday and it inspired him. So a bad day yesterday but he learned from it! So did I about weaning off YouTube. Progress all around.

He's only 10, You don't seem to be particularly monitoring what he's doing while on screens.
DS is often better if the whole plan is explained to him but at 5 is still very much of the opinion that a cafe is brilliant. He would watch you tube (Kids) all day if allowed, lego models etc but he just isn't allowed. Screen time is limited and monitored.

bathsh3ba · 22/08/2022 19:13

By this point in the holidays my kids are ready for back to school and sick of spending so much time together. I think it's just the late August slump and wouldn't read too much into it.

Original poster
BearGryllsDad · 22/08/2022 19:14

So. You take your kid to sit and watch whilst you do an exercise class, and then drag him round the sales? Might I suggest you do that stuff whilst he’s at school and stop being so selfish? And if you are “ crying and shaking” after that, heaven alone knows what you’ll be like when he starts exhibiting teenage behaviour. Get over yourself

Hilarious response. I work full time so could hardly flounce off and do that whilst theyre in school. Perhaps you think I'm a lady who lunches
I'm certainly not. 🤣

OP posts:
threatmatrix · 22/08/2022 19:18

I’m struggling to answer this as it seems incredibly easy to sort it out. It’s called discipline.

itsgettingweird · 22/08/2022 19:19

Gosh. I've read in now and read all OP posts.

No wonder kids nowadays expect instant gratification.

They were hardly asked to sweep chimneys whilst she had her nails done.

We went to the leisure centre twice a week during school holidays when our mums and aunties (me and my cousins) did an exercise class. We didn't even have phones or internet back then.

We all survived!

Kids need to learn to be bored and cope with it. It's part of decent socialisation and development of emotional intelligence.

sue20 · 22/08/2022 19:21

BearGryllsDad · 21/08/2022 16:24

if that’s the worst of his behaviour I think he sounds like an alright kid….

Really? Crying because I wouldn't leave the cafe half way through my meal, writhing around on the floor in M and S because I wouldn't immediately leave? He is neurotypical so it's not a sensory thing.

Kids do sometimes behave outrageously badly especially around this age. However that doesn’t make it OK they have to learn social consideration and respect. Was this unusual if so maybe a specific trigger? If not unusual he needs a slap round the head, no obviously that’s a bit of a joke. But metaphorically. And yes the screen time limited it sounds almost like addictive behaviour.

sue20 · 22/08/2022 19:25

BearGryllsDad · 22/08/2022 19:14

So. You take your kid to sit and watch whilst you do an exercise class, and then drag him round the sales? Might I suggest you do that stuff whilst he’s at school and stop being so selfish? And if you are “ crying and shaking” after that, heaven alone knows what you’ll be like when he starts exhibiting teenage behaviour. Get over yourself

Hilarious response. I work full time so could hardly flounce off and do that whilst theyre in school. Perhaps you think I'm a lady who lunches
I'm certainly not. 🤣

What are you on? ??? Woah

cantbebothered101 · 22/08/2022 19:26

I’m sorry the weather must be getting to everyone! This child had ONE off day. Op doesn’t say that he does this all the time yet 80% of people have him down as a brat who should just fit in with his mothers plans. Maybe some empathy might be more appropriate?

Happyher · 22/08/2022 19:27

You need to sit him down for a serious talk and tell him if he ever behaves like that in public again ‘x’ will happen. x being whatever sanction/ punishment you think is most effective and appropriate, and follow through if he does

Bestcatmum · 22/08/2022 19:28

If that was my kid he'd be regretting the day he was born and there is no way any child his age should be allowed to lie on the floor like a toddler having a tantrum.
You need to stop being so soft and harden up. This child needs discipline and consequences for this behaviour ff's.

Earlymenopausesucks · 22/08/2022 19:28

BearGryllsDad · 21/08/2022 20:38

Mystery exercise was an aerobics class. Son was playing games during that time on my phone.

So day went

Aerobics
Lunch
Looked around 1 shop (m and s) with promise of trip to a football field on way home.

Gosh I'm such a cruel mum I didn't immediately feed him McDonald's to compensate the emotional turmoil 🤣🙄

I certainly wouldn’t beat yourself up over this. Your DS was being a brat today… kids do that, it can be quite upsetting at times too. You didn’t cause his behaviour by making him wait through one aerobics class and a trip to M&S.

I would certainly not reward his behaviour and I would talk to him about respecting others and make it clear that his behaviour will not be tolerated.

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 22/08/2022 19:31

Children learning to sit with boredom is actually helpful, I think, as adults we have to do things sometimes we don't like. Couple hours out with parents shopping and eating lunch out is not awful selfish behaviour some are weirdly trying to claim! I went shopping with my mum every Saturday it was hardly child abuse! Some weird replies to this!

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/08/2022 19:38

cantbebothered101 · 22/08/2022 19:26

I’m sorry the weather must be getting to everyone! This child had ONE off day. Op doesn’t say that he does this all the time yet 80% of people have him down as a brat who should just fit in with his mothers plans. Maybe some empathy might be more appropriate?

@cantbebothered101

he should have just fit in with his mothers plans - they were hardly outrageous

Molly499 · 22/08/2022 19:39

I can’t believe some of the replies on here, how on earth will these kids with no attention span cope in real life when they are older. If worries me what is happening to kids these days, sounds like a lot of them are being destroyed by screens, how will they Learn to function?

StressedOutMumBex · 22/08/2022 19:48

BearGryllsDad · 21/08/2022 16:19

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

You mention he is nearly 11, Is he transferring to secondary school this year ? anything else changed that has put him off his stride ? sometimes anxiety related issues due to changes happening can be a factor in behaviour problems like this. My son has behaved similarly when he has been over anxious and worried about change, I know a few other Mums that have said the same, most of the children concerned are normally well behaved.
OP It might be worth just having a calm chat with him to find out if there is anything bothering him before you read the riot act.

pucelleauxblanchesmains · 22/08/2022 19:48

Back when I was that age I didn't have a mobile phone and spent many Saturday afternoons playing I Spy with my sister for something to do while my parents traipsed round B&Q/Sainsbury's/M&S/wherever, and then Saturday evenings pretending to be interested during Mass. I'm pretty sure a ten year old should be able to hack looking in the sales for half an hour.

Taillighttoobright · 22/08/2022 19:59

cantbebothered101 · 22/08/2022 19:26

I’m sorry the weather must be getting to everyone! This child had ONE off day. Op doesn’t say that he does this all the time yet 80% of people have him down as a brat who should just fit in with his mothers plans. Maybe some empathy might be more appropriate?

The description from OP is that of appallingly self-absorbed, attention-seeking, sullen behaviour - that level of rudeness and entitlement doesn’t just appear one day because of the weather! I know many kids who would be incapable of behaving like that; they would recognise the rude histrionics and distance themselves very quickly from the source.
Can we stop with this permissive pandering to a lad who is learning coercion?

Lmf685 · 22/08/2022 20:00

BearGryllsDad · 22/08/2022 19:14

So. You take your kid to sit and watch whilst you do an exercise class, and then drag him round the sales? Might I suggest you do that stuff whilst he’s at school and stop being so selfish? And if you are “ crying and shaking” after that, heaven alone knows what you’ll be like when he starts exhibiting teenage behaviour. Get over yourself

Hilarious response. I work full time so could hardly flounce off and do that whilst theyre in school. Perhaps you think I'm a lady who lunches
I'm certainly not. 🤣

All these perfect parents who wouldn’t dare take there children into a shop . These are the kids that get an easy life at home so the parent gets an easy life. Jesus ! Push back once in a while

OP you’ve done nothing wrong and if you want to take your kids with you to do something you can. One day in the school holidays that you do something for you. The amount we have to spend on entertaining kids in the holidays , the guilt of not doing enough with them, days out etc . It’s damn bloody hard to constantly keep your kids happy during the holidays and the cost is mad. I’m great full my children are disciplined enough to not dare act up like this in public, my 5 year old occasionally will start testing the boundaries and she gets a reminder of what she will loose when she gets home if she does.

crime and punishment. My children have iPads and watch YouTube. Some Chanel’s are blocked or restricted due to attitude picked up etc from them so all those perfect parents who don’t .. good for you bet your exhausted.

my point is, it’s not always about the kids and they need to know it. They get everything and more and they are well aware that if they have to be dragged around town for a few hours it’s tough but they have a pretty comfy life.

I would take his iPad away until he can be more respectful and learn how to act in public. It may be hormones etc but embarrassing your parent in public for not getting their way isn’t acceptable and needs addressing with punishment

Missingpop · 22/08/2022 20:07

All actions have consequences & his bad behaviour needs to be addressed & quickly before your aggravating almost 11yr old becomes an out of control manipulating teenager misbehave No you tube computer games tv etc complete electronic shutdown he will go atomic but do it regularly & constantly & he will learn patience is a virtue & helping you by looking after his younger brother gets him home quicker.

Insanelysilver · 22/08/2022 20:12

It’s definitely naughty and unacceptable behaviour.
Did you warm him there’d be consequences if he carried on playing up?
I’d have warned him and then if he persisted removed devices for the rest of the day. X

Miisty · 22/08/2022 20:13

My youngest child had ADHD diagnosed at 8 but he would never behave like that out Yes as a toddler terrible twos time he grew up sounds like he is attention seeking me mr me

wentworthinmate · 22/08/2022 20:14

Turn off the Wi-Fi or change the code and get him to tidy his room or something before you turn it back on. Actions equal consequences etc 😵

mountainsunsets · 22/08/2022 20:14

All these perfect parents who wouldn’t dare take there children into a shop . These are the kids that get an easy life at home so the parent gets an easy life. Jesus ! Push back once in a while

Nobody here has said they "wouldn't dare take their children into a shop".

But people are saying that a day full of adult activities plus screen time is bound to be boring for a 10yo. That doesn't mean his behaviour was appropriate, just that maybe the day could have been altered to suit everyone, not just OP.