Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

[BearGryllsDad]

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

Definitely reduce screen time or make him go without a couple of days. I have to do it with my son it seems to act like a reset button. He can be a right horror and emotional couple of days off and he is back to his caring better behaviour ways.

Is this a serious comment?
the behaviour is absolutely awful and needs stopping right now otherwise what kind of controlling adult will he be ?

He was playing up. He didn't want to be there. That's all. Nothing to get uptight about!

Since when have most boys liked clothes shopping with their mums? I am a girl and I didn't like it. I didn't play up, I just hung around looking like a wet weekend. OK I wasn't an embarrassment (which is your main issue I suspect - people LOOKED and STARED and were disapproving - ie it reflected badly on you (in your own mind at least)).

Being shakey? I hope your kids never get a detention at secondary school...or do anything more serious (and they will).

Not sure how removing screen time after the event will help. It seems to be the MN "punishment" of choice. What does it achieve?

Oh do give over.

It possibly seems a bit much but it depends how long the exercise took and whether he had appropriate entertainment during that time. I can see how browsing a shop when already bored would be difficult. If he had sufficient entertainment for the exercise portion then it does seem a bit much. My step daughter is a similar age and whilst she may have a bored face and sigh and ask when we are finished she certainly wouldn’t cry or lay on the floor.

@gatehouseoffleet

seems in your world OP should have just abandoned her meal when he started crying to leave

Are you sure he’s neurotypical? Sounds like very ADHD behaviour to me.

Not at all. The OP is being entirely unreasonable expecting her kids to fit round a day of her doing what she wants. And I bet there’s a huge backstory to it ..

^^^Rubbish

I can’t believe the comments on here sometimes!
@BearGryllsDad l think that it was perfectly reasonable of you to take your children with you on your scheduled day. Children need to learn to be bored and how to deal with it. There are so many boring things to deal with in life!
I also think you have every right to do something you need sometimes. Children need to learn that you’re not “just mum”, you’re a person too and that you also deserve to be happy. IMO being a mum isn’t about choosing to sacrifice yourself for your DC.

There's no need for that behaviour. Give him a choice. No TV or devices for 3 days if he kicks off. Explain firmly that he can't be left at home while you shop therefore he has to behave when you need to take him with you to a place he doesn't want to go to. YOU make the rules not an antsy kid who wants his own way and makes a scene. No rewards for good behaviour, it should be a given. I can't believe the number of parents who can't control their own children.
I've taken 5 on holiday...on my own.
Taken 5 shopping and for meals ...on my own.
Taken 5 on flights...in my own, all without ever having to warn them about their behaviour prior to leaving the house, no tantrums just good kids looking forward to whatever the day brought and none were teens. It's learned behaviour and parameters at home.

Yes, god forbid kids have to fit in with anyone else's plans from time to time. When you think of the many days that children spend that are just geared around them, your comment sounds a bit strange.

Kids eh nip this behaviour in the bud if it happens again copy him he will be mortified and embaraased when hes stopped explain to him this behaviuor is not acceptable and you will do the same everytime he behaves like that . It may work or just ignore him easier said than done i know ive 3 adults now thankfully.

@Redjoy

yup kids have to learn that the world does not revolve around them and sometimes they just need to fit in. like you do , like I do, like everyone does. That’s life and kids need to learn that, these pandering parents are doing their kids no favours - those kids are gonna get an awful shock in life

Not at all. The OP is being entirely unreasonable expecting her kids to fit round a day of her doing what she wants. And I bet there’s a huge backstory to it

What kind of huge backstory are you imagining? 🤔

I am amazed at how many people seem to think it is unreasonable for a 10 year old to behave appropriately and support his Mum for a bit on one day! Clearly he has had lots of child centred stuff during his holiday and at 10 years old he understands a bit of give and take and being a bit bored whilst waiting for someone else!

I think though, that he is getting away with it too much. He really should not have gone on his computer after that behaviour. He is not getting any consequences is he!!

I think you need to identify consequences for good and not so good behaviour and sit down and tell him:

eg if you come and sit quietly whilst I do my exercise class, eat lunch and go to M&S without spoiling our time, then you can.....(and make it "extra" to the normal, whatever it is!)
If you can't do that then there will be no .....!

• so he knows what the consequence is either way. And then you have to STICK TO IT until he stops testing you to see if you measn it.

Good luck!

If you don't find that the other kis is always angelic when one is struggling with their behaviour, then I don't believe you have siblings!

But in all seriousness, as so many on here are encouraging you to take things away from him I would really think about that, what are you trying to achieve? If you think the content of what he's watching on YouTube is inappropriate (I don't let my nearly 10yo have unmonitored access to YouTube, kids YouTube maybe..) then that's a conversation to have with him, figure out what's suitable and safe and set boundaries, perhaps he is even dependant on it and some action is needed BUT arbitrarily taking things away to make him behave how you want him to is controlling and authoritative.

Do you want him to just behave in the way you want when you're there to threaten him with something, or do you want to model kindness, be interested in him and what is actually causing this behaviour (behaviour is a form of communication), and try and work through it with him? You seem to feel a bit ashamed of how he behaved - I get this, it's so hard when society tells us how our kids should behave in public - but do you really want him to feel shame? Or do you want him to feel safe and happy?

If it were me I wouldn't take my kid shopping if I could possibly avoid because I know it's the most boring thing for them - but if I had to I would manage my expectations about how they will react to it, knowing they'd hate it. It's probably plan something they want to do while we're out looks taking the football or getting a milkshake.

I'm a huge fan of 'gentle parenting', which would basically advise to nurture your connection with him and try and understand what's going on, rather then trying to fix things through asserting your control and power, because while you may get the short term results you want, it's damaging to your relationship with him in the long term and doesn't actually solve the issue or teach him the kindness and patience that you want him to demonstrate.

Yes. Because in later life, everyone will spend the time to nurture connections with him. Especially when he's expected to do something when he'd rather be doing something else.🤔

And realistically he should feel ‘a bit ashamed’ of this behaviour. It’s really bad behaviour. I’m sure he’d feel pretty ashamed if his Year 6 teacher had been browsing the sales and spotted him. I feel like at the moment there’s this move towards protecting kids from any negative feeling whatsoever. I do consider myself a more ‘gentle parent.’ I don’t allow any shouting or harshness in my home. But some negative feelings are appropriate. A feeling of shame when you’ve behaved extremely badly is appropriate. And anyway this boy didn’t seem to feel any shame or upset. He went home and played on his computer.

I agree he should feel guilt and ashamed, those are healthy emotions to have when you’ve behaved badly

Not everyone is his parent - his OP is the only mum he is going to have

I think it's possible to talk about other people's needs, the need to go shopping, the need to be kind/not shout/not make it impossible to do things without a power struggle or needing to make them feel ashamed that's all - he's 10, it's still quite young. Most adults don't behave perfectly but we seem to expect children to always do so even putting them in situations that they aren't going to like. i don't like doing some things, and I often get to choose not to. Sometimes I don't and I might feel a bit grumpy. What's the difference?

The difference between feeling a bit grumpy and crying in a cafe because you don’t want your mum to finish eating then throwing yourself around the floor because you don’t want your mum to do any shopping? One of them is an appropriate emotion we all might feel. The other is an unacceptable reaction to not getting your own way. That’s the difference.

Of course I don’t expect ‘perfect behaviour.’ My kids might moan if they’re bored sometimes, at which point I remind them that we need to do xyz and they often get to do things for them, so now I’m doing something for me. So perfect behaviour is unattainable of course! I would expect normal age appropriate behaviour though - and crying and tantrumming for your way isn’t it.

@catflycat

do you roll around on the floor and cry cos u wanna leave before others have finished eating?

Honestly op think some on here think you should have not gone to exercise class, not finished your meal when he started crying

fuck your needs!

your needs should go on the back burner at all times … you’re a mother now!