Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

[BearGryllsDad]

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

Technology addiction. It's not OK behaviour for a child of that age and I'd be cross too OP. I'd have a few days break from youtube or hour time limit

Sounds like a little stiff discipline wouldn't go amiss

"There is something off with him at the moment. He's going into year 6 but it could be anxiety. Who knows."

Sorry OP he could be feeling anxious about going into year 6 but I do not believe that behaviour was anxiety. That behaviour was a child not getting their own way. Sorry

This.

And not just YouTube but a complete detox.

I see this a lot in school (teacher) and with DC's friends. Kids attention spans are wrecked, and everyone who works with kids knows what the cause is.

My DC have very limited access. It gets worse as they age.

When you detox, it will be hard in the beginning but after a few days they will start discover games, books and toys (IME).

Absolutely this. My parents weren't always taking me to do things age appropriate for me, had to do loads of boring stuff like trips to garden centres, food shopping, visiting antiques stores, DIY stores, go to their friends houses for dinner where I was the only child, only one TV and two weeks of Wimbledon on etc. I think people have become obsessed with everything being child-centric and that couple with excess screen time doesn't seem to be bringing up well-balanced children. Kids are much more entitled, have shorter attention spans and don't want to do any normal "boring" errands/family stuff. I agree that he is at a difficult age and from 10/11 onwards the onset of hormonal, stroppy teen stage kicks in, but you need to get this behaviour in check and it is OK to take kids to do normal things that aren't centred around them (as long as you are also doing things they find fun and have a reasonable balance) and expect them to behave. A bit of moaning is standard, but what you described isn't. I've got a DD with ADHD who absolutely hates shopping, even for herself, and she wouldn't behave like that.

I disagree with those saying it's normal bored behaviour for a nearly 11 year old. I have an 11 year old son and there is no way he would ever behave like that. He doesn't have (or want) access to screens other than a bit of tv so I don't have that battle (and I do think 10/11 is far far too young for YouTube etc), but if he is ever naughty I don't hesitate to remove his privileges which seems to deal with the issue. We also talk about it afterwards when he's calmed down, and try to work out what went wrong and reiterate the sort of behaviour that is and isn't acceptable. Generally he's pretty good but obviously not a saint. So anyway, if I were you I would ban him from youtube for a start, and then going forward remove his devices / screen time / other privileges as necessary if he's naughty. I find it useful still with my 11 year old to set out exactly what I mean by good behaviour or best behaviour if we're going out somewhere he might find boring, that way there's no ambiguity about my expectations of him (and his younger siblings).

Have a big gin or glass or wine tonight and remember that he's a lovely boy really :-) (I find that always helps when one of mine has pushed my buttons) xx

It's not about the day "not being centred around the kids".

It's about understanding that children have boredom thresholds, and that planning a day where they're either sitting on screens or following mum around the shops is generally not a good idea. Hell, I'm in my thirties and I'd be bloody bored if that was my Sunday.

Shaking! FGS get a grip! Wait until he gets to full blown teen age years

I have a son that age and he occasionally kicks off like this if tired/thirsty. He’d be on a tech ban, that kind of behaviour is completely infuriating , especially at his age.

@LaDamaDeElche I am a 90s baby and I used to just love getting taken out, anywhere lol! The status quo was playing tag, hide and seek or riding bikes with the kids from the street - sadly this doesn’t seem an option for most kids now which I think actually holds kids back from developing skills to entertain themselves. 10 used to be quite grown up but now it seems quite young with kids not being allowed to do much alone. B&q with a pound for the vending machine May as well have been Disneyland for me haha. I was looked after by my old school Granny too a lot so There was the odd national trust visit, soft play and swimming in the school hols, we went on good holidays with kids clubs etc so I was catered for when it counted but on the whole I used to like being able to go somewhere with my parent and have a say even if it was choosing a paint colour for the fence or something! I think it can depend on temperament as my niece is 12 and the same, since being tiny she was chuffed with a Starbucks trip (with a colouring book and crayons maybe) and a wander round the shopping mall. Her brother can’t be persuaded to leave the house for less than an all expense paid trip to Alton towers or something similar !

To be honest, I'm not sure that's reasonable or acceptable behaviour for a child of his age and I would consider it really out of order. He needs to know it's not okay to behave like that or he'll just get worse.

To be fair, I used to find a lot of the stuff I did with my parents like DIY stores etc boring, but it was just expected. I knew I wouldn't get away with shitty behaviour. The day would normally end with a video and popcorn, or the cinema or something more fun, and I did a lot of stuff with my friends and other activities as well, so didn't feel that put out. I think I was definitely fairly mature by the time I was going into the final year of primary. I certainly wasn't having toddler tantrums. My mum would have killed me 😂.

I’d be fuming too and wouldn’t expect that kind of behaviour from a child his age. I usually have problems with my 3 year old son however my 12 year old just sucks it up. I’d be punishing that behaviour with loss of screen time definitely

You should warn him clearly before you leave the house that he will not have screen time if he plays up, then don’t rise to anything when you are out but take stock of it all. If he plays up he knows what will happen when he gets home - bye bye you tube! Make and stick to your rules

And? Kids are allowed to be bored.

Slightly different but same age DS and stropping if not getting own way. My DS has come to expect that a day out = gift shop, primarily as DH spoils him (DH didn’t have much during childhood and has done well, so likes to spoil DS and DSC). Last week out with a school mum friend who is a SM, we went into gift shop and I said no to anything over £3 as friend is not financially flush. DS sulked and made it obvious he was sulking. Then on Friday we went to local air show with cousins (DH with me) and DS started to ask for stuff from the trade stands - he’d already had rides with his cousins, and to make a point that not every trip needed ‘something’ again, it was a no (I’d told DH not to give in). So he sulked again. We both talked to him about being to materialistic and that it wasn’t about the toy/ bit of tat, but the memories. He did take it. Today he asked when we were going to go and see the new Lego store before going back to school, something we had discussed as an end of holiday thing. I told him DH and I had discussed, and no, we weren’t as we felt he’d had enough this holiday. What we’d said last week had obviously sunk in as he didn’t make a single murmur about it and totally accepted it.

Stay strong OP - it’s hard but it will make it easier in the long run.

Op - a whole lot of complete over reaction on this thread and the technology police are out in force! My almost 11 year old just hates shopping and within 15 minutes he’s wondering are we done and drives me mad. Your little guy may also just have had a bad day (don’t we all) so I really wouldn’t be tearing down the discipline path! It must be great to have many of the perfect children on here 🙈

Mine are a little older now, youngest is 11.

I'll go against the mumsnet grain and say I don't see any issue with you buying yourself some calm time after a stressful trip out by not taking on the tech battle as soon as you returned home.

When a childs wound up and kicking off I'm not convinced its always a good time to address behaviour and consequence. Particularly in my experience if I'm feeling a big wrung out and in need of a calming cup of tea to be back at my best.

When they're 2 and don't understand/ can't process consequence time out and instant sanctions work - at 11 consequences can occur later and I find a delay can make them even more effective.

Once everyone is calm, fed, hydrated and in a familiar safe environment of the home, sitting down and discussing why the behaviour was dissapointing and how it had an effect on your enjoyment of a rare few moments doing an activity about you could have more of an impact than the worst case scenario of heated exchanges at height of frustration.

There is a technique that can be very effective of asking children to reflect on their behaviour and come back to you with what an appropriate and proportional sanction should be. You could plant a few seeds of saying you're concerned about screen time etc. My youngest DD(11) and middle son (16) both loathe this, the time quietly reflecting and setting your own punishment - having to acknowledge your wrong and work out what is proportional for that behaviour makes them really stop and think. They are far harsher to themselves than I'd be and I usually scale back their suggested punishments - so long as they get why they've behaved inappropriately.

I'm not sure I agree with this. You can tell him you have had time to reflect on his behavior and have decided his consequences.

I totally agree - get a hold on that behaviour now.

So. You take your kid to sit and watch whilst you do an exercise class, and then drag him round the sales? Might I suggest you do that stuff whilst he’s at school and stop being so selfish? And if you are “ crying and shaking” after that, heaven alone knows what you’ll be like when he starts exhibiting teenage behaviour. Get over yourself!

A walk into town followed by a treat in a cafe is now classed as too dull for kids and you can’t allow them to ever get bored?

Bloody hell, no wonder there’s an epidemic of over indulged bratty children!

With my kids, a trip to a cafe is a rare treat to be enjoyed and they do appreciate it and behave well.

@Redjoy

an exercise class is selfish?!

Do you realise some parents work during the weekdays? And it’s normal and acceptable (and even good) for kids to see that parents are people and can sometimes put themselves first.

Kids absolutely play up with maths is boring! And it’s totally normal for a kid to play up when they’ve been dragged around doing boring chores on a weekend.

So how come whenever I visit shopping centres they aren't full ignore teens laying in the floor?

I've not read further than this but this posters posts kept jumping out at me.

But seriously OP - you need to control the screen time as you've noted (as I read on I'm sure I'll get more info).

It's normal to be bored. However when my ds tried to rush things to get home for screens my stock response was "clearly you struggle with normal everyday stuff and therefore instead of rushing home I'm going to take longer until I think you've learnt to manage these outings and we'll be doing many more for you to practice"