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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner’s teenagers

317 replies

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 14:32

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We are a same sex couple. We have started living together for the first time this summer. This is a temporary summer only arrangement so we can spend more time together.

I am not working this summer, my partner is still working full time.

I take care of 90% or more of the household chores, including hoovering, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, changing sheets… My partner handles cooking of evening dinners, I then clean up. My partner also does about 40 or 50% of clothes washing, hanging, and putting away.

We split household food and outings costs. I am still paying all bills for my own home. My partner does not want me to contribute to bills, although I have offered.

My partner has a child, 15 years old living with us 50% of the time. There is an older sibling who is with us ad hoc weekends and holidays. Both young people have significant others who often stay over weekends. None do any household chores at all.

The 15 year old has been attending a summer school 5 days a week and gets up very early for this. Usually my partner wakes up at the same time and they spend some quality time chatting.

This morning, my partner seemed rather annoyed and asked what my plans were for the day, I said apart from the usual chores, air was going to play it by ear… my partner said I should offer to do more, for example getting up with 15 year old in the morning so they are not alone before leaving the house, and which would allow my partner a lie-in.

I felt this was said in a hostile manner, almost like an order to do this, and somehow I felt uncomfortable, especially given it was said in the context of suggesting I am not doing enough. I feel I do rather a lot, part of it is cleaning up after the children.

Is it me who is being unreasonable? I am willing to look at this from different angles before speaking with my partner this evening.

OP posts:
FarmerRefuted · 21/08/2022 14:34

You don't live there full time and this is not your child/tennis so I don't see why it's your responsibility to get up with them?

FarmerRefuted · 21/08/2022 14:36

Teen.

Not sure where tennis came from.

Has the teen maybe said something about wanting to spend that early morning time with you? Like "it would be nice to hang out with Postcards while you have a lie in sometimes?" and your partner has conveyed the request badly?

Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 14:37

FarmerRefuted · 21/08/2022 14:34

You don't live there full time and this is not your child/tennis so I don't see why it's your responsibility to get up with them?

Exactly my thoughts. I would do it if the child were of primary school age I think.

I didn’t want to say it’s not my responsibility because we love each other and are in a very committed relationship which we both want to last as long as possible.
It would sound like I’m saying your children are your problem, which I feel is a bit harsh. I don’t want this to come between us.

OP posts:
mountainsunsets · 21/08/2022 14:40

YANBU. Would the teenager even want you to get up with them?

Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 14:41

FarmerRefuted · 21/08/2022 14:36

Teen.

Not sure where tennis came from.

Has the teen maybe said something about wanting to spend that early morning time with you? Like "it would be nice to hang out with Postcards while you have a lie in sometimes?" and your partner has conveyed the request badly?

Teen I know has not said this, being a teen, they seem to like their own time in their room, etc… but my partner wants them to be more socialised and not to feel lonely in the morning, although teen has not complained of loneliness. Teen is very busy!

It was said by my partner in the sense of wanting a lie-in, since I am available… but I am asleep at that time as it is extremely early…

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 21/08/2022 14:45

It's seems a strange request to me. Why would or should you get up early with a 15 year child, not yours, to spend time with them. I could maybe at a push understand if it was a younger child who needed breakfast making for them and help getting ready etc, but why a 15 year old?

Unless of course the teen has asked for you to get up with them.

FarmerRefuted · 21/08/2022 14:46

I would ask your partner if they can be specific about what it is they need you to do that you're not already doing.

Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 14:46

mountainsunsets · 21/08/2022 14:40

YANBU. Would the teenager even want you to get up with them?

I don’t think so. We get in well, but I don’t think teen sees me as a close friend or a parent figure, teen has two very good parents who do parent well.
I think teen is pleased to see my partner so happy, and I am seen as the “alright” partner of parent. Although I am deeply involved in the household. I think both teen and I are okay with the current set up as is…

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 21/08/2022 14:47

I'd just smile, accept my partner is tired & grumpy and then set myself to the task of never getting up early to spend morning time with their teenager who defo doesn't want to spend time with me early in the morning.

Kanaloa · 21/08/2022 14:48

You’re a better woman than me. I couldn’t be arsed spending my time off from work paying full bills at my own home and then doing the lion’s share of cleaning up after a partner and their teenagers AND THEN being told I wasn’t doing enough for them. With a partner and an older teenager it should be equally shared.

I’d go back to your own home. Let her look after her own teenage kids and do her own hoovering and clean up after her own cooking, and you relax in your time away from work.

Mintchervilpurslane · 21/08/2022 14:48

Underneath it all I think this is probably about you not working and it is not really about spending time with the teen. Your partner is doing quite a bit given that you are not working.

Kanaloa · 21/08/2022 14:50

And you don’t need somebody to babysit a 15 year old so you can have a ‘lie-in’ Obviously unless that teenager is ND or maybe has some sort of disability - in which case mum’s new partner is a totally inappropriate choice to care for them before school, as their needs should be being met by their own parent who knows them so as not to cause them stress.

Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 14:52

FarmerRefuted · 21/08/2022 14:46

I would ask your partner if they can be specific about what it is they need you to do that you're not already doing.

I have asked, the only clear answers I have received are that I am expected to join 100% of family meals and also outings. At the moment, I do about 90%, because I sometimes like a couple of hours here or there to myself. My partner is particularly unhappy on the rare occasions I have missed an outing with the children.

I’ve always thought the children might prefer having a bit of time alone with their parent without me along 100% of the time… my partner said this wasn’t a problem because they like me, and anyway, they bring their partners everywhere, too… and that if they needed a private word, they would say so.

There is a defiant reluctance on my partner’s part to do things solo with the kids. I don’t know why, although I’ve asked. Main answer has been so that we can have family time together.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 21/08/2022 14:54

mountainsunsets · 21/08/2022 14:40

YANBU. Would the teenager even want you to get up with them?

This ! Bizarre that a 15 year old would need or want their mum's partner to get up with them early morning.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2022 14:55

I have asked, the only clear answers I have received are that I am expected to join 100% of family meals and also outings. At the moment, I do about 90%, because I sometimes like a couple of hours here or there to myself. My partner is particularly unhappy on the rare occasions I have missed an outing with the children.

Whoa. Fucking hell, op, there are red flags all over this. Your partner is very controlling and totally unreasonable. This is your cue to leave.

mountainsunsets · 21/08/2022 14:56

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 14:52

I have asked, the only clear answers I have received are that I am expected to join 100% of family meals and also outings. At the moment, I do about 90%, because I sometimes like a couple of hours here or there to myself. My partner is particularly unhappy on the rare occasions I have missed an outing with the children.

I’ve always thought the children might prefer having a bit of time alone with their parent without me along 100% of the time… my partner said this wasn’t a problem because they like me, and anyway, they bring their partners everywhere, too… and that if they needed a private word, they would say so.

There is a defiant reluctance on my partner’s part to do things solo with the kids. I don’t know why, although I’ve asked. Main answer has been so that we can have family time together.

Show quote history

Your partners expectations are ridiculous.

Kanaloa · 21/08/2022 14:58

Main answer has been so that we can have family time together.

Problem is you’re not a family. I mean that as kindly as possible but you’re mum’s new partner - it sounds like she’s trying to force you into playing mum to her teens. And you’ve been cast as household servant to boot. Red flags abound realistically.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 21/08/2022 14:59

Seems like you have different expectations from the relationship. Did you talk about expectations about family time etc before you moved in together.

what is the plan for after summer? For you to move back to your own place again?

PumpkinClementina · 21/08/2022 14:59

This whole situation is bizarre to be honest. You are essentially a live in maid for this family and now they are expecting you to play nanny also? Very weird. I'd move back into your own property if I was you.

alwaysmovingforwards · 21/08/2022 15:01

PumpkinClementina · 21/08/2022 14:59

This whole situation is bizarre to be honest. You are essentially a live in maid for this family and now they are expecting you to play nanny also? Very weird. I'd move back into your own property if I was you.

Yup

Seeline · 21/08/2022 15:02

Personally I am amazed at a 15yo being up at a time that doesn't allow a parent to have a lie in if wanted, have breakfast, or want to go out as a 'family'.

GrazingSheep · 21/08/2022 15:04

Go back to your own house asap

Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 15:07

Kanaloa · 21/08/2022 14:50

And you don’t need somebody to babysit a 15 year old so you can have a ‘lie-in’ Obviously unless that teenager is ND or maybe has some sort of disability - in which case mum’s new partner is a totally inappropriate choice to care for them before school, as their needs should be being met by their own parent who knows them so as not to cause them stress.

Teen is not ND, doesn’t have any diagnosis of any sort, and is doing very well in all areas for their age, in school and socially.

OP posts:
leccybill · 21/08/2022 15:16

Go home, OP.

Why aren't you working? Does DP resent this? How are you paying all your own bills if out of work?

Mintchervilpurslane · 21/08/2022 15:20

Oh well now you have updated it is definitely your partner who is being very unreasonable! Of course her teens would like some alone time with her. And you are sensitive enough to understand that. The question is; why on earth does she not want some alone time with them? Really bizarre!

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