Partner’s teenagers

[PostcardsFromPalma]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We are a same sex couple. We have started living together for the first time this summer. This is a temporary summer only arrangement so we can spend more time together.

I am not working this summer, my partner is still working full time.

I take care of 90% or more of the household chores, including hoovering, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, changing sheets… My partner handles cooking of evening dinners, I then clean up. My partner also does about 40 or 50% of clothes washing, hanging, and putting away.

We split household food and outings costs. I am still paying all bills for my own home. My partner does not want me to contribute to bills, although I have offered.

My partner has a child, 15 years old living with us 50% of the time. There is an older sibling who is with us ad hoc weekends and holidays. Both young people have significant others who often stay over weekends. None do any household chores at all.

The 15 year old has been attending a summer school 5 days a week and gets up very early for this. Usually my partner wakes up at the same time and they spend some quality time chatting.

This morning, my partner seemed rather annoyed and asked what my plans were for the day, I said apart from the usual chores, air was going to play it by ear… my partner said I should offer to do more, for example getting up with 15 year old in the morning so they are not alone before leaving the house, and which would allow my partner a lie-in.

I felt this was said in a hostile manner, almost like an order to do this, and somehow I felt uncomfortable, especially given it was said in the context of suggesting I am not doing enough. I feel I do rather a lot, part of it is cleaning up after the children.

Is it me who is being unreasonable? I am willing to look at this from different angles before speaking with my partner this evening.

I don't like the sound of her AT ALL.

Exactly, she has said that families are not a part time thing, and for me to think so would be treating her home like a hotel. Have you heard of hotels where the guests do the cleaning?

She has also said this is how she lived when she was a stay at home mum raising her young children, and she never complained and did a lot more than I do, and that’s because she loved and was committed to her family, and that it is worrying for her that I’m not displaying the same commitment.

I don’t even know where to begin with that, I was truly baffled and speechless. Our lives and circumstances have been so different that they are not even comparable!

"This is a temporary summer only arrangement so we can spend more time together."

But that's not happening, is it? It seems like she is giving you a trial run as a housemaid. Particularly as her children aren't involved in any household chores. Indeed, when the child(ren) are home for five months in the year, this summer arrangement will seem like a holiday.

"It wasn’t fun for me to watch her toiling away whilst everyone has their feet up"

It's not much fun for you now, either, is it?

I can't help but wonder why the husband is no longer on the scene. His washing up skills didn't make the grade, perhaps?

"The number one thing I’m frustrated with is the mountains of dishes, and my partner has forbidden the use of the perfectly functioning dishwasher, because it “uses too much water and electricity.” So I offered to swap and I’ll do the cooking whilst my partner clears up, my partner said she really enjoys cooking and finds it relaxing and wouldn’t want to give that up."

She wants to do the cooking but forbids you to use the dishwasher? For such a large number of place settings, I reckon a dishwasher would save water. She does what she enjoys and leaves you the chores she doesn't like? That doesn't sound a fair distribution of labour, or very considerate either. Perhaps she'd like to cook on a campfire to save gas/electricity?

Pack your bags and go home, @PostcardsFromPalma, providing your partner doesn't "forbid" that as well. It doesn't sound like you'd be happy with this relationship continuing into the future.

Ffs, go home.

Skivvy aupair is all she is interested in.

She is deeply controlling.

Get the hell out of there.

You are a few moves off being in an abusive relationship.

Refuses use of the dishwasher?

That's fxxked up.

Get home to your calm home and be so proud of yourself thatvyou still have your own space.

Let her clean up her childrens crap.

Get out of dodge.

Exactly, she has said that families are not a part time thing, and for me to think so would be treating her home like a hotel. Have you heard of hotels where the guests do the cleaning?

FFS. It just keeps getting worse. Time to fully wake up, op. You know this isn't working. Your partner has some fucking serious issues.

Oh and she is trying to gas light you about being worried about your commitment to HER children.

Classic abusive behaviour from partners trying to rope in skivvy aupairs to clean up after their children.

They are NOT your children.

You have NO responsibility for them.

Get out now and be so glad you have seen her for the user she is.

This relationship is a veritable cornucopia of red flags.

Pushing for intimacy too fast
Denigrating your contributions
Insinuating you’re lazy
Mismatched sex drives
Controlling and isolating behaviour

Don’t become a boiled frog - get the fuck away. If you leave today then you’ll wake up in your own lovely house tomorrow with a functioning dishwasher.

Oh good grief, OP if I were you I would definitely be saying to your DP that you love her and the kids, but the dynamic of living together over the summer hasn't really worked for you so you'll be staying where you are for the time being, as your expectations of what living together looks like don't seem to match.

If she tends to have an overbearing, controlling personality, imagine what it would be like if you move permanently into her house? That thing about sitting at the breakfast bar is quite frankly batshit

Op, your partner is very controlling and that so early on in your temporary living together. This isn't going to magically improve! For your own mental health and well being, go back to your own home and enjoy a calm space where you are not treated like a mixture between and indentured slave and small child. This is really not a normal or healthy relationship at the moment. Pull back and if she wants to continue seeing you, do it on equal terms.

@Fluffyboo “OP if I were you I would definitely be saying to your DP that you love her and the kids”

I disagree with this. If someone I’d been dating, not living with, for only 2 years told me that they loved my teens, I’d think it totally inappropriate.

As is the comparison of you not demonstrating the same level of commitment to 'her the family' as she did when she was a STAY AT HOME MUM TO HER OWN CHILDREN. Of course you don't have the same level of commitment to them as a birth parent, you've only been in her life for two years and in theirs for less, if you break up you'll probably never see them again

I kind of agree, but it sounds like this mama bear who thinks that OP is not committed enough to the family unless she attends 100% of 'family' activities, may just see OP not agreeing to move in permanently as a slight to the children. So personally i'd say it just to avoid going down that rabbit hole of batshittery

@PostcardsFromPalma “I don’t even know where to begin with that”

You begin by telling her that you and she have very different ideas of what a family is, and you’re going back to your place.

How much experience of families do you have?

It is not normal for a new partner to move in (even permanently) and be, “surprise, here’s your new mummy!” to children - of any age. It’s a sensitive relationship that takes time to grow and is not the same everywhere. But I promise you it isn’t normal - or appropriate - for a new partner to be instant-parent on day 1. Her kids deserve better than that. Really caring for your girlfriend’s children means being mindful of what’s appropriate.

She’s got a fucked up mindset where you prove you love someone by putting up with any shit and creating a Waltons happy family façade, being there all the time. Hell, in first time families, real mum and dad, you don’t do everything together all the time! Her view of family is utterly fucked up and you need to step away from her crazy.

As for you loving her teens and their bloody mess, that's hard for birth mothers to put up with day in day out, not to mind someone who is going out with someone and has just moved in.

Completely ridiculous and wholly manipulative.

She's trying to manipulate you into proving you love HER kids.

Manipulative bullshit.

Do not fall for it.

She's being very weird and controlling, OP. I think you've dodged a bullet by trying this temporary arrangement, rather than moving in together properly.

I think its time you went home. This isn't normal behaviour

Could you move back to your place and just go back to dating. Enjoy one another’s company without all the drama about domestic duties. It just sounds very heavy and unnecessary.

Please look after yourself and LTB. There are so many red flags here you could cover Buckingham Palace. Your partner is a user and a control freak who is expecting you to be a skivvy who has to get up to look after her teens, a skivvy who has to wash up they way she dictates, a skivvy who has to obey her commands and fit into her family like a well trained nanny. go back to your own lovely and peaceful home where you can sit where you want and wash up in a way you prefer. You deserve better and your (hopefully) STBX deserves a hard kick up her control freaking arse.

Tell me you do use the dishwasher when she is out at work Postcards !

It sounds like she wants you to be a female replacement for her ex - she needs to realise you're not him and the children are not yours. It also sounds like she really resents that you don't have to work this summer.

You really need to talk to her about both things - but it sounds like you're going to have to go in gently or she may get very defensive. I would say something like, 'it seems like you have so much to do at home when I'm not here - have you thought about asking the kids to help out?' on the other hand if she thinks you're now part of the family have you considered asking the kids to help you out yourself - if she says anything then tell her you think it will help you bond as she's so keen on that!

I would also ask her if she feels unhappy that you're not working and she is over the summer and see what she says.

It has meant that I’ve upped and she’s reduced. I feel it’s harder for me because sometimes I’m tired and I just want to go to sleep.

We usually have dinner together as a family and then watch a movie or documentary. I then wash up because it just takes the wind out of my sails if I walk into the kitchen in the morning and it’s a bomb site. I prefer to wash up as soon as we’re done eating, but partner has asked me if I could please relax with her instead, as evening time together during the week is limited. So I do it after the movie and get ready for bed, she would rather I left it for the morning so we go to bed at the same time, but that doesn’t suit me.

I’m not used to doing this much housework, so I’m pretty tired by the evenings, I like to have a long shower to loosen up my muscles. Partner has recently told me to reduce my showering time because she wants to be awake (to make love) rather than half sleepy by the time I come to bed. I told her it was something I really needed. A few days later, she said there was a huge gas bill, and would I mind reducing the showers? I offered to pay the bill, because I really need my showers, she refused and said we all use it so I shouldn’t be expected to pay. I’m also paying standing charges for energy in my home.

Ia honestly think a lot of this is about her wanting more sex and being quietly angry about this, but she won’t own up to it, even if I’ve asked very gently.

Have you had any holiday at all this summer? Not necessarily away but just doing what you want/nothing at all? If not now is the time to do it before you are back at work.

I agree she is controlling and coercive ( you are not going out alone in case she kicks off) . You need to get out no matter how you feel about her. Better for you, and her DC too.

As an example a reasonable , non controlling partner might have asked nicely if you could get up one morning to let her have a lie in (having ok’d with DC). And a reasonable partner would be fine with either a yes or a no. It’s not about that, it’s about control. Incidentally not just you, a fifteen year old can surely get up and away most of the time by them self?

So you're not allowed to use a functioning dishwasher, and she's monitoring your showers.

On top of the other batshittery.

Fuck that OP.

The sex thing is also a common tactic by abusers. Puts you constantly on the back foot, leaving you feeling guilty and anxious. Telling you to shower less. Also controlling. You need to leave before you are enmeshed even more.

Personally I’d take it all as a red flag not to live with her permanently. She has a 15 year old who is deemed old enough to have a partner stay over but not old enough to get up and out without help in the mornings!