Partner’s teenagers

[PostcardsFromPalma]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We are a same sex couple. We have started living together for the first time this summer. This is a temporary summer only arrangement so we can spend more time together.

I am not working this summer, my partner is still working full time.

I take care of 90% or more of the household chores, including hoovering, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, changing sheets… My partner handles cooking of evening dinners, I then clean up. My partner also does about 40 or 50% of clothes washing, hanging, and putting away.

We split household food and outings costs. I am still paying all bills for my own home. My partner does not want me to contribute to bills, although I have offered.

My partner has a child, 15 years old living with us 50% of the time. There is an older sibling who is with us ad hoc weekends and holidays. Both young people have significant others who often stay over weekends. None do any household chores at all.

The 15 year old has been attending a summer school 5 days a week and gets up very early for this. Usually my partner wakes up at the same time and they spend some quality time chatting.

This morning, my partner seemed rather annoyed and asked what my plans were for the day, I said apart from the usual chores, air was going to play it by ear… my partner said I should offer to do more, for example getting up with 15 year old in the morning so they are not alone before leaving the house, and which would allow my partner a lie-in.

I felt this was said in a hostile manner, almost like an order to do this, and somehow I felt uncomfortable, especially given it was said in the context of suggesting I am not doing enough. I feel I do rather a lot, part of it is cleaning up after the children.

Is it me who is being unreasonable? I am willing to look at this from different angles before speaking with my partner this evening.

I was raised by a single mum. Entirely absent father. Distant relationship with my mother - she is emotionally unavailable. I haven’t seen a happy well functioning family up close and personal.

However, I’ve done a lot of work on myself and am very interested in Psychology and read a lot around the subject.

I really felt I had met someone smart, dynamic, well-adjusted, loving, committed… huge number of things in common. Unfortunately, she is changing before my eyes and the pressure is on and the temperature is rising. I think she does know I love her immensely, which is perhaps why she believes I’ll tolerate this behaviour…

I think you are incompatible. The sex drive issue will become a huge issue as will her controlling behaviour.

I think 3/4 times a day is verging on a problem

She might be smart and dynamic etc. She is also abusive. She’s not changing, this is who she is , you are just picking up on it now.

Yes, she is relying on your love and concern for her ensuring you stay. If you do you’ll end up a shell entirely enmeshed. It’s hard to face but she won’t and can’t change (no matter what she promises). At the very least go home for some space to think.

She sounds more manipulative and possibly abusive with each new post.

Honestly OP, go home and spend some time by yourself and evaluate this relationship. It reads as very onesided.

This is what I thought! …but why would you want your supposedly much loved partner to repeat the hardest years of your life, unnecessarily!

It’s incomprehensible to me, can someone who understands this please explain?

No one understands it, because it's not normal. Honestly just go home, do The Freedom Programme. No one gets up with a 15 year old on a weekend. Its all about control.

What do you think she feels taken for granted about?

I too have wondered if it’s at addiction level, because it seems to be behind a lot of the problems we’re having. She’s very reluctant to go in depth into this, or doesn’t understand her own feelings, because when I ask her what she’s feeling in those moments it’s often: “I don’t know”.

People are explaining. She is abusive. It’s coercive control. You want there to be some explanation that means there will be a solution. Even if there is a reason she does it it’s still abuse. That’s why you are engaging with the more speculative posts and ignoring the ones saying the above.

The only solution is for you to get out.

OP,

Bottom line is you are in an extremely abusive controlling release and don't seem to understand that.

You have been love bombed and recruited to be skivvy aupair.

She controls when and how you clean the kitchen.
I can only imagine the mess after meals for up to 6 people.
When and how often you shower.
She is a sex pest.

She is consumed by appears and bullying you into conforming to her idea of family life, not 5 minutes after you have moved in temporarily.

So fxxked up.
Get away from her asap.

Totally agree with @billy1966

When you say "By the way, it was her idea for me to join her in her home, and she doesn’t like it if I go somewhere without her even for a couple of hours. So it’s not that she doesn’t want me in the house, quite the opposite"...this alone is controlling and coercive behaviour...and All your subsequent updates and screaming red flags.

OP, you sound lovely...very patient and willing for this relationship to work but as far as I can see, it's all giving and very little, if any, taking.

For your own sake, move back home.

You're a better woman than I am. I'd be out of there

You are grasping at straws and continually making excuses for her behaviour. This is exactly how people get trapped in abusive and controlling relationships. They think their partner will eventually relax, eventually feel secure, that their controlling behaviour will stop. It won't. It gets worse, always.

@PostcardsFromPalma pure guesswork obviously but mismatched sex drives to that extent seem to often breed resentment.

From a domestic point of view, it already seems out of balance that you are clearing up after her kids who are being treated like adults in other respects. Interesting that you are expected to not treat the house like a hotel but it seems like the kids don't have that standard applied.

I’ve only mentioned the bad so far, but she has been wonderful to me…

She’s looked after me if I was ill, brought me food and drink in bed
She’s accompanied me to hospital when there was an emergency and gave me lots of love and reassurance
She pays me very real compliments each day (not recently admittedly)
She’s taken us on surprise getaways
She’s bought me thoughtful gifts of things she knew I liked and wanted (big and small)
She shares everything that belongs to her with me
She's taught me at least two new skills that have enriched my life a lot
She’s offered to pay for a special course I couldn’t afford - she likes to see me improving myself
She listens to and respects my thoughts and opinions about work, family, friends
She has and would stand up for me if I need it - she’s brave and tough
When we don’t have the kids, the vast majority of the time, if I want to run an errand or go and do something for entertainment, she’s happy to do that, I’m the one who’s a bit more choosy about what we do
She’s introduced me to her family and friends in glowing terms - consequently they have been extremely kind, she’s surrounded by good people
She’s active in the community and helps people
She has offered to help with my bills this summer, I have refused because I want the relationship to remain equal.

That’s just what I can come up with off the top of my head. I’m sure there’s more.

Can you see why I may not want to throw the baby out with the bath water overnight, just like that, without even trying to think about it and understand what’s going on?

Sorry, op, but there you go again. All of those nice things you've just listed are normal things any caring partner would do. However, they do not, in any way, negate the very alarming controlling behaviour she regularly displays. No abuser is all bad, op, but that still doesn't mean you stay with them.

Okay well I guess you need to balance up being pestered for sex, treated as a household servant and told where you can sit and when you can shower against having a partner who sometimes behaves nicely. For me it’s not worth it. There are people out there who are nice and normal and never abuse you - you don’t need to settle for one who is occasionally nice but does also behave badly to you.

Yeah I’d do this too I’m afraid! Your time off should be a break for you and if your DP wants a lie in then I’m sure the child can make their own breakfast - I had a thread on here about my DD15 the other day and whether I should be making her food. It was a 99% vote for she should be able to make her own lunch/breakfast/snacks, so I don’t see why anyone has to get up with your DP’s child tbh, but certainly not why it should be you!

Abusers are very often lovely/kind/normal some or most of the time. Otherwise nobody would fall in love/stay in a relationship with them. It doesn’t change what they are. Saying that none of what you list is more than we should expect in a normal relationship. It’s not exceptional.

Countless people have explained what is going on . That’s what you need to get your head round understand. Knowing why or understanding won’t change anything. The only thing you can change is your behaviour and like others I suggest you get out.

If it's hard for her to face what she was like, she can disown it and project it onto you. If it touches on a part of you, it can kind of click in like a jigsaw and you start behaving like she was - the disowned part of her. It's projection firstly, then projective identification when you identify with the disowned projected part and start behaving like the part of her she wants to disown.

She might be someone who relies on projection to function psychologically. If this is the case, I'd get out now, because it'll keep happening and you'll find yourself backed into a role that slots in nicely with her view of herself.

Tbh you could move back home, get some space and see how things go.

The 'family time' thing is a red flag and your words about it taking time, and the teens not necessarily wanting a parent figure are really very reasonable and wise. It's interesting that you doubt yourself though which might be to do with your history and might also indicate why you're getting pulled into something. You're noticing more than you give yourself credit for.

Teen is independent in the mornings, makes own breakfast, but my partner might make the packed lunch. It’s my partner who insists they need company and she doesn’t want them to be all by themselves in a silent still house when everyone is sleeping. She said it’s not a nice feeling and the company shows they are cared about.

I’ve not had children or lived in a household with teenagers, so I wasn’t sure if that wasn’t just part of being an extra loving and caring parent. She gets up with him come rain or shine without fail, even when she had flu.

I think it’s nice to get up with your teen. Sometimes if I’m off work I get up early to have breakfast and chat to DH who works funny shifts. But it’s weird to act like they need you to do it to the point of trying to make your partner do it because otherwise you ‘can’t have a lie in.‘

It’s like, it’s nice and affectionate to run somebody a bath. I often do it for DS after footie. However, it would be weird for me to demand a new partner do it for him because otherwise I can’t relax with a cup of tea.

Again is the teen worried about the silent house and feeling all alone in a silent still house when everyone is sleeping? If not, you've got projection again. The teens not bothered right. But she's got a thing about being up all alone in a silent house. She can't process her feelings about things however so instead of owning that she disowns it and says aw poor teen all alone (when teen might not care and enjoy the peace?!) but it's not the teens feelings, it's hers. Voila projection.

Fyi It's not easy to really comment on here so take this with a pinch of salt pls!

Completely agree with @Bellsbeachwaves