Partner’s teenagers

[PostcardsFromPalma]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We are a same sex couple. We have started living together for the first time this summer. This is a temporary summer only arrangement so we can spend more time together.

I am not working this summer, my partner is still working full time.

I take care of 90% or more of the household chores, including hoovering, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, changing sheets… My partner handles cooking of evening dinners, I then clean up. My partner also does about 40 or 50% of clothes washing, hanging, and putting away.

We split household food and outings costs. I am still paying all bills for my own home. My partner does not want me to contribute to bills, although I have offered.

My partner has a child, 15 years old living with us 50% of the time. There is an older sibling who is with us ad hoc weekends and holidays. Both young people have significant others who often stay over weekends. None do any household chores at all.

The 15 year old has been attending a summer school 5 days a week and gets up very early for this. Usually my partner wakes up at the same time and they spend some quality time chatting.

This morning, my partner seemed rather annoyed and asked what my plans were for the day, I said apart from the usual chores, air was going to play it by ear… my partner said I should offer to do more, for example getting up with 15 year old in the morning so they are not alone before leaving the house, and which would allow my partner a lie-in.

I felt this was said in a hostile manner, almost like an order to do this, and somehow I felt uncomfortable, especially given it was said in the context of suggesting I am not doing enough. I feel I do rather a lot, part of it is cleaning up after the children.

Is it me who is being unreasonable? I am willing to look at this from different angles before speaking with my partner this evening.

@billy1966 , on the not knowing her, when I said I was truly shocked that she would catfish me, she said by text: “far worse was revealed of me in this issue a year.” Any typos are her own. I wasn’t sure I understood what she meant. Anyone get this?

And I didn’t explain earlier that the catfishing seemed to be all about asking about my love life and whether I was seeing someone and what kind of women I enjoyed. I didn’t answer any of these questions at the time of course.

She said that catfishing me was supposed to have helped her “get over” our relationship, by seeing how I talked to another woman. But we had already split up!? She was reacting as though I was having some sort of affair. Not that I even tried to flirt with her fake alias, I felt far too heartsick for that.

The catfishing just falls into line with her massive disregard for boundaries.

There is a simply huge difference between perfection and the behaviour she has exhibited.

Her catfishing was trying to find out what you would write about her.

She is a deeply dishonest, manipulative person.

I don't think such a complete lack of empathy, kindness and boundaries would ever have made you feel truly safe.

She sounds hugely narcissistic to me and completely untrustworthy.

I am not sure what she meant by that text. It could read as, revelations to or of herself, or of others to her.

Really not clear.

Can well imagine her husbands wonder!

Don't beat yourself up re the dots.
Life is busy, we rush along.
It takes peace, time, and space to join dots, something in a relationship you might only get after you left it, in therapy, or chatting to a friend.

You are joining them now, and that's what counts.

This illness has nothing to do with her.
It is entirely separate.

If you are guilty of anything, it is of being too tolerant.

How many of us wrote earlier in the thread that we would no more be prepared to do the running around you did in her home, after her children, with her long list of psycho rules!!

You were hugely accommodating towards her children, more than she was if I recall.

Don't doubt yourself.

You are worth 10 of her.

As @billy1966 says, definitely sounds like she has narcissistic traits.

My ex was a massive narcissist, controlling, emotionally manipulative, the works.

After I finally left him, I would lie awake at night feeling guilty and worrying that my behaviour had been partly to blame and maybe I should have tried harder, made more of an effort in the areas he criticised me for etc. I would go over and over stuff that had happened, constantly questioning myself. This went on for months.

It was only when I moved on to a healthy relationship six months later that I realised that literally none of it was my fault and I could not have done more to show I loved him and to try and make the relationship work. He was just so dysfunctional that it was impossible to “fix him” or have any kind of healthy relationship with him.

What you’re feeling is totally understandable but please believe me when I say you have nothing to feel guilty for and your illness is certainly not your fault in any way. You sound like a very patient, generous and loving person. The comment by your ex’s former husband sounding surprised about being looked after when he was ill is extremely telling. As the saying goes, it’s not you it’s her.

These people are like vampires, they will suck every drop out of you until you have nothing left then dump you and move on in search of fresh blood.

Some counselling or maybe something like the Freedom Programme, or even just googling a bit about narcissism and coercive control might help you get a bit more perspective on things.

I can’t imagine how hard it must be dealing with a cancer diagnosis on top of all this. I hope you find some peace and support xx

OP reading your thread you are truly a person of such dignity and strength. You are self reflective, kind and have an innate ability to see the world holistically.

I am so truly to read of your diagnosis. As dark as this time is, you will see a future of bold colour. Colour will never look so vibrant after this grey grey spell.

You will learn from this. You will be okay. You will someday thrive. You will love again in a deeper, solid and mutually kind way. You will never feel as low as this again.

I’ve not read the whole thread but I expect this is right

You really should read the whole thread. Things have escalated massively since then. OP now has cancer, her ex has been terrible abusive.

I can’t tell you how touched I am by your words. I so badly want to believe in everything you’ve said. It’s almost like a guardian angel has put those words in your mouth when I really needed to hear them.

sometimes a kind word is the most valuable thing in the world. Bless you.

Hey everyone!

Thought I’d include a pleasant update after all the heavy duty ones that came before…

Forced myself to get glammed up and out if the house this morning, and spent the day visiting relatives I hadn’t seen in a long while… I can’t describe how tremendously healing that was… to receive altruistic love affection and companionship like that.

What a humongous contrast to the absolute torture I had been receiving from my former partner for sometime now. Becoming isolated with her had completely changed my perception of reality. I was reminded today the world looks much better than the false reality she creates.
I now think she definitely has sadistic qualities.

It became so stark to me just how unpleasant and abusive she is… it’s really quite mind blowing what you can get used to that then becomes normal.

Time to leave her in the rear view mirror and start rebuilding my life with enthusiasm and joy.

Thank you so much to everyone who has contributed and supported me here, it really made a big difference to me. Like having a fiercely protective posse of cheerleaders.

Well done! Recalibrating your “nice people - o- meter”. She might make you feel a rush every now and again, but so do all manner of unhealthy addictive substances. Recognise it for what it is - and leave her alone. She’s no good for you. Focus on everything else around you and if you need more, work on that and your future. Wishing you all the best xxxx

You’ve understood perfectly, it was exactly a recalibration, and I like the term nice-people-o-meter! I’m glad to find the meter itself hasn’t been completely broken! 😀

You know what’s wonderful? The rush is finally gone. I’m no longer even sad about that. I think I had a very lucky escape at this point. I suspect she had even more in store for me.

Someone said to me today - rejection is protection.

God saved me from this woman, I’m so thankful.

Thank you so much for the kind words.

Completely agree.

If the cost of your reawakening and reconnecting was the brutality of her appalling behaviour at such a vulnerable moment, I think it has been wholly worthwhile.

A lesser lesson and you might have limped on for months, complicating and hampering your treatment with the stress of her.

You are so much stronger than you realise.
Today is absolute proof of that.

Your survival instinct and your gut are determined that you do not succumb to her.

Blocking or archiving her is the way to go so that you do not have deal with her again......because I don't think you have heard the last of her.

On the back of yesterday's undoubted success, make a list of those you should reconnect with and go for it.

I love your update :)

Good evening everyone, and happy Friday!

So much has changed and happened over the last 5 days.

Just when you think it’s over…

To update about madam, those who said I haven’t heard the last of her might be quite right. Tuesday I received about 6 silent calls from a private number. At first I thought it was a bad signal so stayed on the line. I was with someone and even she thought it must be a prank caller. In light of the recent catfishing stuff, I can only think it is Madam. I don’t think I’ve ever received silent consecutive calls like that before. I was having a great time that day out and about and that’s what she will have heard in the background.

I would never have credited she would stoop to this sort of stuff.

When I told a friend of mine about the standing me up for the scan, she said it’s one of the meanest things she’s heard, she was especially appalled because they’d met and my friend I think had a very good opinion of Madam and had even kindly helped Madam with a speciality of hers over the phone.

I have followed some of the wise and helpful advice here, and have been busy spending quality time with family and friends. I had isolated myself from them for so long that I had forgotten how good it felt. Much better than being with Madam in fact(!), because the false highs and lows were not present, just peace and stability, which is far more reassuring and comfortable and real.

I realised I’m very far from devastated and on the contrary, coming back to life.

I have laughed and felt more warmth presence than I have in a long time.
I realise now that every day is precious and should be lived and felt fully.

I have joined a local support group, and I am utterly amazed at how kind, empathetic, welcoming the women there have been. The genuine fellowship and time spent together walking, going for tea and cake together has been so rejuvenating and healing. There is a whole world out there, and I’ve been throwing myself into exploring it.

It’s amazing to me to think great changes can happen in such a short time, but I have been feeling myself growing in self esteem, confidence, and courage… in facing these potentially scary situations with determination positivity.

All of this is making me stronger. Every cloud has a silver lining, and for that, I’m grateful.

I forgot to mention that when I told my friend about being stood up for the MRI scan, my friend pointed out that Madam had probably intended to stand me up once before this… that is, when Madam had been catfishing me, she had asked several times if I wanted to meet up… when I asked Madam if she had planned to stand me up, she said she would have instead cancelled with some excuse.
My friend said the MRI thing was Madam having a second go at wasting my time and hurting me. I hadn’t looked at it that way. Seems obvious now. What a mess. I’m actually glad my mind doesn’t work like that.

I am so delighted with your update.

Not the least surprised either.

She held you back and now you are free.

If necessary block her but never entertain her again.

She is a deeply nasty person, keep her the hell away from you.

You don't owe her any further consideration or polite responses.

Continued strength.

Good morning!

So nice to hear from you again @billy1966, you have been a great support. I hope you and your loved ones are well and looking forward to a lovely weekend.

I’m far too busy these days to even spend much time thinking about her. It’s odd that I allowed her to consume my life so much in the past.