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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner’s teenagers

317 replies

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 14:32

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We are a same sex couple. We have started living together for the first time this summer. This is a temporary summer only arrangement so we can spend more time together.

I am not working this summer, my partner is still working full time.

I take care of 90% or more of the household chores, including hoovering, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, changing sheets… My partner handles cooking of evening dinners, I then clean up. My partner also does about 40 or 50% of clothes washing, hanging, and putting away.

We split household food and outings costs. I am still paying all bills for my own home. My partner does not want me to contribute to bills, although I have offered.

My partner has a child, 15 years old living with us 50% of the time. There is an older sibling who is with us ad hoc weekends and holidays. Both young people have significant others who often stay over weekends. None do any household chores at all.

The 15 year old has been attending a summer school 5 days a week and gets up very early for this. Usually my partner wakes up at the same time and they spend some quality time chatting.

This morning, my partner seemed rather annoyed and asked what my plans were for the day, I said apart from the usual chores, air was going to play it by ear… my partner said I should offer to do more, for example getting up with 15 year old in the morning so they are not alone before leaving the house, and which would allow my partner a lie-in.

I felt this was said in a hostile manner, almost like an order to do this, and somehow I felt uncomfortable, especially given it was said in the context of suggesting I am not doing enough. I feel I do rather a lot, part of it is cleaning up after the children.

Is it me who is being unreasonable? I am willing to look at this from different angles before speaking with my partner this evening.

OP posts:
thelittleapple · 21/08/2022 21:56

There are loads of people who are kind and generous as long as you do exactly what they want.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 21/08/2022 22:03

It's great you have such a lovely list of positives, but its also telling the way you are treated when you don't comply with her wishes. I think sex drive is very important in relationship for it to last long term, and the not letting you use the dishwasher or have a shower is just plain weird.

I would probably head home for a bit to reassess OP.

Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 22:04

Littleorangeflowers · 21/08/2022 21:39

If it's hard for her to face what she was like, she can disown it and project it onto you. If it touches on a part of you, it can kind of click in like a jigsaw and you start behaving like she was - the disowned part of her. It's projection firstly, then projective identification when you identify with the disowned projected part and start behaving like the part of her she wants to disown.

She might be someone who relies on projection to function psychologically. If this is the case, I'd get out now, because it'll keep happening and you'll find yourself backed into a role that slots in nicely with her view of herself.

Show quote history

Oh fuck. This is ringing lots of bells.
Although extremely intelligent, she sometimes is not aware of her own feelings, and cannot identify them, and I end up explaining something and she thanks me. Except of course if she is feeling criticised, or is scared she is being unreasonable. Then that’s when gaslighting seems to happen.

Recently, we had been on a very long day out to another city, there was lots of walking up and down hills and such. By thE time we got home, I was shattered and took an early night, skipping the usual movie after dinner schedule.

I woke up to the very bright overhead light being slammed on… she was standing in the doorway, looking at me with an expression I hadn’t seen before and couldn’t identify. She was just looking at me but didn’t say anything. I wished her goodnight and tried to go back to sleep, being only half awake and the light was hurting my eyes. There is a smaller much softer light in the bedroom and this was super inconsiderate, but I didn’t want to have a discussion about this in the middle of the night and wake myself up further.

Next thing I know, I wake up to a sharp kick on my shin, not enough to bruise or really hurt, but certainly a sharp kick. Being half asleep, I mumbled something about the kick and went back to sleep.

Again it happens, another sharp kick on my leg. This time I sat up and asked her why she felt the need to kick me twice in my sleep… she said it was because I was snoring and she couldn’t get any sleep. I often snore and she’s slept just fine previously, so I don’t know what warranted being kicked in this situation. I told her never to do that again and it’s extremely disrespectful and unacceptable.

At this point there was a lot of ranting about how tired she is and she doesn’t have the luxury of sleeping in every morning, and how fed up she was… I don’t remember all the details word for word but it went on for some time, all through which I’m asking her to go to sleep and we’ll talk about it in the morning. I had the feeling she wanted to escalate the situation and I had no interest in joining her for that. Finally, when I realised she had no intention of stopping her haranguing, I told her to be quit immediately. I think she was quite shocked because I’d never raised my voice before, and I didn’t hear a peep out of her for the rest of the evening. She knew she’d gone too far.

I found it quite disturbing though, and it’s the worst incident we’ve had and it worries me a lot. It shows deliberate bullying and verbal and emotional abuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 22:07

Littleorangeflowers · 21/08/2022 21:39

If it's hard for her to face what she was like, she can disown it and project it onto you. If it touches on a part of you, it can kind of click in like a jigsaw and you start behaving like she was - the disowned part of her. It's projection firstly, then projective identification when you identify with the disowned projected part and start behaving like the part of her she wants to disown.

She might be someone who relies on projection to function psychologically. If this is the case, I'd get out now, because it'll keep happening and you'll find yourself backed into a role that slots in nicely with her view of herself.

Show quote history

How does the projection serve her… do you mean she wants to punish the part herself that she has disowned?

OP posts:
Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 22:21

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 22:04

Oh fuck. This is ringing lots of bells.
Although extremely intelligent, she sometimes is not aware of her own feelings, and cannot identify them, and I end up explaining something and she thanks me. Except of course if she is feeling criticised, or is scared she is being unreasonable. Then that’s when gaslighting seems to happen.

Recently, we had been on a very long day out to another city, there was lots of walking up and down hills and such. By thE time we got home, I was shattered and took an early night, skipping the usual movie after dinner schedule.

I woke up to the very bright overhead light being slammed on… she was standing in the doorway, looking at me with an expression I hadn’t seen before and couldn’t identify. She was just looking at me but didn’t say anything. I wished her goodnight and tried to go back to sleep, being only half awake and the light was hurting my eyes. There is a smaller much softer light in the bedroom and this was super inconsiderate, but I didn’t want to have a discussion about this in the middle of the night and wake myself up further.

Next thing I know, I wake up to a sharp kick on my shin, not enough to bruise or really hurt, but certainly a sharp kick. Being half asleep, I mumbled something about the kick and went back to sleep.

Again it happens, another sharp kick on my leg. This time I sat up and asked her why she felt the need to kick me twice in my sleep… she said it was because I was snoring and she couldn’t get any sleep. I often snore and she’s slept just fine previously, so I don’t know what warranted being kicked in this situation. I told her never to do that again and it’s extremely disrespectful and unacceptable.

At this point there was a lot of ranting about how tired she is and she doesn’t have the luxury of sleeping in every morning, and how fed up she was… I don’t remember all the details word for word but it went on for some time, all through which I’m asking her to go to sleep and we’ll talk about it in the morning. I had the feeling she wanted to escalate the situation and I had no interest in joining her for that. Finally, when I realised she had no intention of stopping her haranguing, I told her to be quit immediately. I think she was quite shocked because I’d never raised my voice before, and I didn’t hear a peep out of her for the rest of the evening. She knew she’d gone too far.

I found it quite disturbing though, and it’s the worst incident we’ve had and it worries me a lot. It shows deliberate bullying and verbal and emotional abuse.

Show quote history

So the gaslighting part came the next day. When I asked her why she did what she did and how unacceptable it was… she said it didn’t happen that she switched on the light. She said since I was half asleep, I was mistaken about that, and she had only tiptoed quietly into the room. And she had not kicked me, it was a very light tap.

I said, if we set all of the above aside, what remains is that you came to bed angry with me for some reason and spoiling for a fight and what was she angry about. She said she wasn’t angry and had in fact come in earlier in the evening to find me asleep and had gently kissed me on the forehead. She categorically denied there was any I’ll feeling on her part and it was me the started everything by falsely claiming she had kicked me when it was just a tap.

She also said if she was angry about something, she would tell me about it because only liars and cowards use denial or deflection, that they are the weapons of cowards. She said it disrespects both parties and solves nothing. She then was very upset because I had maligned her integrity and attacked her with my words viciously.

The word coward has come up more than once, a couple of times, it was used to describe her former husband.

I know that this means she thinks in terms of weakness and strength, and this is not a good thing, to say the least.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 21/08/2022 22:31

Your posts are getting really scary. I actually wouldn't believe a single word she said about her husband.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2022 22:34

She categorically denied there was any I’ll feeling on her part and it was me the started everything by falsely claiming she had kicked me when it was just a tap.

You should have walked out the door right then and there. She's emotionally, financially, and physically abusive. When is enough enough?

AnotherForumUser · 21/08/2022 22:41

Get way. She's dangerous. She's mentally and physically abusive. She deliberately kicked you twice. She dictates what you do and how you do it. Get as far away from this piece of scum as soon as possible. People like her should have ABUSER tattooed on their faces so everyone knows. You have your own safe home. Pack your stuff while she's out at her precious important work. Then go home. If she contacts you ignore her promises and report any threats. Don't explain or justify your actions to her. She deserves nothing but your contempt and scorn.

Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 22:42

Bellsbeachwaves · 21/08/2022 21:45

Tbh you could move back home, get some space and see how things go.

The 'family time' thing is a red flag and your words about it taking time, and the teens not necessarily wanting a parent figure are really very reasonable and wise. It's interesting that you doubt yourself though which might be to do with your history and might also indicate why you're getting pulled into something. You're noticing more than you give yourself credit for.

I needed to hear that, have been feeling a bit overwhelmed, thank you @Bellsbeachwaves.

OP posts:
HyggeandTea · 21/08/2022 22:43

I found that a bit chilling because it stirred up some memories. My Ex wouldn't let me sleep when he was angry with me. It is a rather nasty form of abuse.

I am wondering if you are a bit afraid of her reaction if you say you are going back home? I think the key is to keep it kind but clear and brief. Don't get involved in any big discussions or rants. She probably will make dramatic and emotive or even threatening statements. Listen (though not indefinitely), tell her that it's a lot for you both to be thinking about, and go home to the blissful peace.

Rowen32 · 21/08/2022 22:45

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 14:52

I have asked, the only clear answers I have received are that I am expected to join 100% of family meals and also outings. At the moment, I do about 90%, because I sometimes like a couple of hours here or there to myself. My partner is particularly unhappy on the rare occasions I have missed an outing with the children.

I’ve always thought the children might prefer having a bit of time alone with their parent without me along 100% of the time… my partner said this wasn’t a problem because they like me, and anyway, they bring their partners everywhere, too… and that if they needed a private word, they would say so.

There is a defiant reluctance on my partner’s part to do things solo with the kids. I don’t know why, although I’ve asked. Main answer has been so that we can have family time together.

Show quote history

I was with you before this update (absolutely ridiculous to ask you to get up to talk to a teenager, if she wants a lie in she can have one) but to expect you to attend 100% of meals and outings, that's even more ridiculous. You're entitled to your own time, your own space, your own life, she sounds incredibly controlling..

billy1966 · 21/08/2022 22:46

So you have already been assaulted by her and gaslit the following day that it didn't happen?

You have a highly abusive liar on your hands.

Don't mind your bullshit list of absolute basics in a relationship.

She is abusive.

I wouldn't believe a word out of her mouth.

I bet her husband is thrilled she's gone.

She's a nutter and the sooner you wake up to that the better.

Won't be long now and you will be getting an accidentally dig.

Call Womens aid for a chat.we

Littleorangeflowers · 21/08/2022 22:48

Well that situation does not sound good.

How does the projection serve her? Well it means she can keep her view of herself intact and she doesn't have to process what to her are difficult feelings.

If you're somebody that likes to see yourself as strong for example, sometimes you need someone to play the weak part. Or sometimes you get someone who is organised in a relationship with someone who isn't, and as the relationship goes on, the roles polarise - one gets more organised while the other gets more chaotic. That's a crude example but it's so people can keep their self image split. Or sometimes you get a perfectly sane organised person in a relationship with someone who relies heavily on projection and over time, the originally perfectly sane organised person completely falls apart under the weight of the other person's projections. (Although there is usually something about the person who has fallen apart's psychology that has kind of allowed the projection to take hold.) Basically It's so the person who relies heavily on projection can disown anything they can't bear which could be anything.

It's complicated basically and difficult to wrap up in a sentence or two. As for punishing that part of her that's been projected onto /into you, technically that could happen but I wouldn't like to comment to that extent on here. I mean you can get couples that are kind of narcissistic/ sadistic and then borderline/masochistic yes but within masochism there is sadism, you're just the object so it's called masochism. Complex!

Drama triangle is also a good one. Karpman triangle it's sometimes called...

Rowen32 · 21/08/2022 22:49

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 15:54

This is what I thought, it is a really sweet and beautiful sentiment, but she has been very rigid in her approach.

It’s almost as though she believes she can snap into place a readymade extremely close knit family, whereas such things take time, you certainly can’t build something like that in one summer. And the children already have a very involved loving father.

My partner was married to their father for a very long time, and I sometimes feel like I’m being shoved into the mold he left behind, perhaps unconsciously, because she’s built up habits over a lifetime. I think he got up with the children some of the time.

I don’t think the children would even want me to start taking on a parental or even bestest buddy role, it might all be too fast and awkward for all concerned.

I think she is used to being in charge of the household and doing and knowing what is best for everyone, and I think that worked well for her in the past for a long time because her husband was willing to go along with it. My partner has a very powerful dynamic personality, she is like a whirlwind.

For example, my partner insists teen and I sit at the tiny breakfast bar in the kitchen together when she occasionally makes a fry up, even if teen or I choose a more cushy comfy chair. She moves us and wants us squeezed in together in the kitchen, and makes such a fuss if we don’t,. Teen and I have resigned ourselves to it it to avoid the fuss and now sit at the bar where she wants us being asked even when we prefer to sit in a more comfortable better lit part of the house.

I have lots more examples like the above.

Show quote history

Omg OP, this is getting worse and worse. Please stand up for yourself and sit where you want, my goodness, this is your life!!

Littleorangeflowers · 21/08/2022 22:54

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 22:21

So the gaslighting part came the next day. When I asked her why she did what she did and how unacceptable it was… she said it didn’t happen that she switched on the light. She said since I was half asleep, I was mistaken about that, and she had only tiptoed quietly into the room. And she had not kicked me, it was a very light tap.

I said, if we set all of the above aside, what remains is that you came to bed angry with me for some reason and spoiling for a fight and what was she angry about. She said she wasn’t angry and had in fact come in earlier in the evening to find me asleep and had gently kissed me on the forehead. She categorically denied there was any I’ll feeling on her part and it was me the started everything by falsely claiming she had kicked me when it was just a tap.

She also said if she was angry about something, she would tell me about it because only liars and cowards use denial or deflection, that they are the weapons of cowards. She said it disrespects both parties and solves nothing. She then was very upset because I had maligned her integrity and attacked her with my words viciously.

The word coward has come up more than once, a couple of times, it was used to describe her former husband.

I know that this means she thinks in terms of weakness and strength, and this is not a good thing, to say the least.

Show quote history

Omg OP seriously she sounds like a nightmare.

This is the boiled frog thing. You KNOW what she did. She says no I didn't and gets angry with you for suggesting such a thing. Integrity bla bla. You, being a decent person, goes fuck did she? Did I? Shit, have I? And on it goes until you are a shadow of your former self. The irony is that integration, for someone who relies on projection, is precisely what they don't have.

Think of that nice long hot shower at home in peace.

And also, DO NOT listen to her words, look at her ACTIONS. Her actions will tell you all you need to know.

Rowen32 · 21/08/2022 22:57

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 19:51

What do you think she feels taken for granted about?

Show quote history

Honestly OP it's not up to you to try to analyse her.. None of this behaviour is okay.. I get why you might want to understand it but really it's not a good idea as you'll only end up thinking you could help her change blah blah blah blah and she doesn't seem like she's anywhere near wanting to be any way different..

Rowen32 · 21/08/2022 22:59

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 20:59

I’ve only mentioned the bad so far, but she has been wonderful to me…

She’s looked after me if I was ill, brought me food and drink in bed
She’s accompanied me to hospital when there was an emergency and gave me lots of love and reassurance
She pays me very real compliments each day (not recently admittedly)
She’s taken us on surprise getaways
She’s bought me thoughtful gifts of things she knew I liked and wanted (big and small)
She shares everything that belongs to her with me
She's taught me at least two new skills that have enriched my life a lot
She’s offered to pay for a special course I couldn’t afford - she likes to see me improving myself
She listens to and respects my thoughts and opinions about work, family, friends
She has and would stand up for me if I need it - she’s brave and tough
When we don’t have the kids, the vast majority of the time, if I want to run an errand or go and do something for entertainment, she’s happy to do that, I’m the one who’s a bit more choosy about what we do
She’s introduced me to her family and friends in glowing terms - consequently they have been extremely kind, she’s surrounded by good people
She’s active in the community and helps people
She has offered to help with my bills this summer, I have refused because I want the relationship to remain equal.

That’s just what I can come up with off the top of my head. I’m sure there’s more.

Can you see why I may not want to throw the baby out with the bath water overnight, just like that, without even trying to think about it and understand what’s going on?

OP, you can meet someone who does all those things and also doesn't abuse you xx

Littleorangeflowers · 21/08/2022 23:02

Yes I'm with @Rowen32 you've kind of lost your centre getting drawn into analysing her. Come back to you. Do you like what's happening? No. Much easier. Don't get drawn into well she has to do this because... or she wants me and teen to sit together at the breakfast bar because... Before you know it, you'll be all, well she had a long marriage and it was shit and he did this and she did this and bla bla she treats me like shit because of x y z . Total wormhole.

saraclara · 21/08/2022 23:03

This is appalling. It's controlling to the nth degree, and if she was a man, this thread would be littered with LTBs and talk of abuse.

This relationship has her as demanding and nitpicking boss, and you as her skivvy. She even dictates where you sit to eat your breakfast for instance. And doesn't let you go out on your own for a couple of hours.

This relationship will only get worse and destroy you. She's not who you thought she was, and you need to walk away..

Rowen32 · 21/08/2022 23:04

And she's physically abused you too, that's so sad, OP get out now before you're a shadow of yourself xx

Quitelikeit · 21/08/2022 23:09

Could it be that she expects you to fulfil a traditional male type role within the home and her life??

you say she was married to her husband for years but maybe dynamics are very different in sane sex relationships and she just can’t grasp why you are not stepping into that role

you know she seems to be expecting you to parent her children, really fulfil that role and also she seems to resent you when you don’t fulfil that role

I think your boundaries are being tested, your gut is screaming out and luckily you have reached out

you need to let her know where your lines are, if she can’t live within them then you either move them - possibly becoming unhappy to accommodate her or she changes her expectations of you

Greensleeves · 21/08/2022 23:16

WTF? She's abusing you.

You sound like a very cerebral and deep-thinking person, very keen to be considerate and fair to everyone around you, and you clearly spend a lot of mental energy trying to choose the right and moral thing to do in any given situation. That's not a bad quality at all, but it might make you vulnerable to manipulative and abusive people who know how to play on it.

I think you should push the pause button on this relationship, move back to your own home, and spend a bit of time concentrating on yourself. Your self-esteem is taking a battering, which is making you overthink the situation and resort to people-pleasing. This will not make you happy, and ultimately - if your partner is the type I think she is - it won't make her happy either, because it will never, ever be enough. If you really want to try and make it work (and you know her, I don't!) then I think moving out, taking a break and then meeting to have some proper conversations and rebuild the thing from the ground up would be the way forward.

Mamai90 · 21/08/2022 23:17

MsPavlichenko · 21/08/2022 17:57

The sex thing is also a common tactic by abusers. Puts you constantly on the back foot, leaving you feeling guilty and anxious. Telling you to shower less. Also controlling. You need to leave before you are enmeshed even more.

This.

Please take heed OP. You can find yourself in an abusive relationship before you know it. You think I'd could never happen to you (I did) but you're subtly manipulated until you realise you're in too deep.

There are so many red flags here I can't even count them all. I just hope you listen to the people on here. Because it's obvious what's happening here. I hope you can end this relationship. You sound like a lovely caring person, people with sociopathic tendencies can sniff out an empath a mile away.

Apollonia1 · 21/08/2022 23:17

Do you need her for something?
I'm trying to work out why you haven't just laughed at her demands, and left.

Ffordecortana · 21/08/2022 23:30

Oh sweetheart. Please please quietly pack a bag and go home to your own place where no one will kick you or pretend things are one way when they are another, or seethe with rage, or control your every move.

im so sorry this isn’t working out but honestly she sounds really REALLY bad, and this isn’t going to come good either.