Partner’s teenagers

[PostcardsFromPalma]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We are a same sex couple. We have started living together for the first time this summer. This is a temporary summer only arrangement so we can spend more time together.

I am not working this summer, my partner is still working full time.

I take care of 90% or more of the household chores, including hoovering, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, changing sheets… My partner handles cooking of evening dinners, I then clean up. My partner also does about 40 or 50% of clothes washing, hanging, and putting away.

We split household food and outings costs. I am still paying all bills for my own home. My partner does not want me to contribute to bills, although I have offered.

My partner has a child, 15 years old living with us 50% of the time. There is an older sibling who is with us ad hoc weekends and holidays. Both young people have significant others who often stay over weekends. None do any household chores at all.

The 15 year old has been attending a summer school 5 days a week and gets up very early for this. Usually my partner wakes up at the same time and they spend some quality time chatting.

This morning, my partner seemed rather annoyed and asked what my plans were for the day, I said apart from the usual chores, air was going to play it by ear… my partner said I should offer to do more, for example getting up with 15 year old in the morning so they are not alone before leaving the house, and which would allow my partner a lie-in.

I felt this was said in a hostile manner, almost like an order to do this, and somehow I felt uncomfortable, especially given it was said in the context of suggesting I am not doing enough. I feel I do rather a lot, part of it is cleaning up after the children.

Is it me who is being unreasonable? I am willing to look at this from different angles before speaking with my partner this evening.

You sound so lovely, I wish you were my friend. You have acted with so much dignity. I am sure she must really regret driving you away.

@Valeriekat, you’ve really cheered me up, thank you! I’d love to chat, feel free to PM me anytime. 😁

I think she’s probably feeling very satisfied with herself at the moment, having restored the upper hand, and having had a little taste of payback. It all comes down to the control, doesn’t it.

I agree with @Valeriekat, I too think you sound like the lovliest person that someone would be lucky to have as a friend or be in a relationship with.

I hope you slept well and are healing.
Remember not to do too much!

Any victory feelings that she may feel must be very hollow IMO.

I would love to know her husbands story.
I bet he was thrilled to see the back of her!

Lots has happened.

Thursday week, former partner Catfished me on WhatsApp. Different name, profile picture of an woman in a party dress. We were chatting back and forth on a dating website, which I then pretty quickly shut down because I wasn’t in the right mental place to take up anything new.

Finally asked for an audio not to make sure I was not being catfished, through the very brief Audi note, I recognised my former partner's voice, there wasn’t much disguise in it except speaking quietly.

I asked her by her real name why she did it…. She said she was angry I was on a dating site so soon, and she wanted to know if I would treat this new woman differently or how far I would go. I suggested that maybe it was simply because she'd missed me and wanted to reconnect in some way.

sFrankly I was pleased to be back talking to her, no matter how bizarre a way she had done it. By this time, I had been diagnosed with cancer of the left breast.

I am terrified, mostly of living alone and dealing with harshness of suffering whilst brutalisingly lonely.Everything feels surreal. My emotions feel paper fragile, as does my body, shaking and trembling all over sometimes, heart racing, sweating, racing terrifying thoughts. I’m making use of an “as needed” anti anxiety med and also sleep med from my lovely GP.

I have taken my tail between my legs in desperation and told her I can’t bare the long nights on my own and would she please visit me as a special friend. She said she will schedule in some dates and times. She seems to answer texts the following day or not at sometimes.

When I asked her if I should step back if she was finding it difficult, it was an emphatic no I should not step back. Yet text responses seem to be like pulling teeth.

Before discussing the diagnosis, we talked about if we could be “romantic” friends. She said she didn’t want me getting hurt in that situation, I accepted that.

It seems to me she wants the shoe on the other foot this time, and that’s what is happening now, I’ve been waiting to respond by text since yesterday morning to tell me if she will be visiting this weekend.

I think it’s a conscious effort to role reversal and teach me a lesson when I’m feeling weak and needy. To get her power back,,, but, under these circumstances???

Writing this under the influence of ambien in the small hours.

OP, I am very sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis. That must be absolutely terrifying. I'm not sure that your ex partner is the right person to support you through this, especially given her current game playing behaviour, but I understand that at this moment you just need some TLC from someone. Wishing you all the best.

I haven’t had cancer though am very aware of the loneliness of it. However, I would encourage you to re read this thread and remind yourself of who this woman really is.

You may like her back in your life in a small way but will it stay that way and what will be the cost to you? I would not encourage further association with her and certainly not when you will be vulnerable.

I wish you the best.

I do feel very vulnerable and desperate, I just don’t know what to do for the best.

I never knew being alone, whilst sleep deprived, unable to eat very much, hardly able to get out of bed let alone the house, could be so excruciating. I almost feel like I don’t exist. I feel confused and unable to think clearly.

I wish I could go and stay with somebody, I just need to be around the signs of life. I don’t know anyone who has a spare room or isn’t busy looking after their own dependents.

Only a few days ago I felt strong, I didn’t know I could feel this weak.

Yes, you are right, I feel unloved and uncared for, and that makes me so sad. I don’t know how to manage my emotions right now. Thankfully, the hospital trust will refer me to a psychotherapist, I hope that comes soon and it helps.

The silence around me is deafening. Please post with me here.

I don't have anything useful to say, but sending love and hugs x

Oh you poor poor pet.
I am so sorry to read this.

Of course this is absolutely shocking and terrifying and your mind is running wild with worry.

Unfortunately this woman has shown you who she is.
And it really isn't kind.

She is taking pleasure in you feeling vulnerable.

Classic behaviour of an abusive person and a total bitch to boot.

I really think you need to reach out to anyone you are friendly with.

Whilst they may not be able to offer a room, they could offer visits, calls, support, texts, contact.

Don't be proud, tell them you are struggling.

Use the pills to take the edge off too.

Hello, I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how things are, so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and how disgustingly your ex is behaving towards you, she is continuing to show her true colours and how typically trying to ‘hoover’ you back but on her terms, please go back to non contact and block her. I totally understand your need for someone to support you, but she is not that person, she will hurt you more will continue to punish you for leaving in the first place.
whereabouts in the country are you?
I am happy to pm you and chat privately anytime, my heart goes out to you and what you are going through ( and have been through) Please take care of you. Xx

Well, and now for the piece de resistance… she has pulled out all the stops today.

This morning, without being asked, she volunteered to go to a scheduled MRI scan with me. It was a lovely surprise, and I was absolutely delighted, cheered me up no end.

Even just the prospect of not being alone for a couple of hours and receiving some companionship from someone who was very close to me was like the sunshine coming out after thick prolonged cloud cover. I don’t mind saying I was close to breaking point and was hardly the poster child for sound decision making.

The days following the diagnosis just sucked the strength and joy out of me, I felt at my knees, and wasn’t good for anything much other than sobbing heaving tears. I hadn’t told anyone else, I didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to break down in front of others.

So I excitedly got up and showered and dressed in my nicest clothes and perfume, hoping that maybe we could go for a bite to eat somewhere afterwards, it was a beautiful sunny Autumn day here. I was looking forward to have some normality back, a taste of my old life which had changed after the news.

As I arrived at the station to meet her, I got a text: “I’m so sorry, I can’t come today, can we please talk? I’m so incredibly sorry….. I was at the station.”

She then proceeded not to answer my texts asking what had happened. My call was left unanswered. I was astounded, I had never expected this, but perhaps I should have… She had decided to come and stood me up all within the same morning. In the past, during the course of our relationship, one thing she most certainly was, was reliable, and she would always keep her word. I had no reason to expect this might happen.

My emotions were like tissue paper, it cut deep, it was like kicking a wounded animal. If it were not for my timely meds, I don’t think I could have functioned properly today.

Still haven’t heard from her. Silence speaks of nothing good…

If this was indeed some sort of bizarre set up and on purpose, it’s mind bendingly cruel… within the realms of antisocial personality even… who could think up something like that?

Was she always like this and kept it well hidden, or my walking out caused her to snap and behave in strange ways, with the catfishing and all… she said that talking with me as an alias wasn’t nearly as “amusing” as you thought it might be… that I was “no fun”… this is when I started thinking antisocial personality…
Am I reading too much into this? Those characters can be very dangerous.

The cancer board on here is a wonderful support op, I'm not sure how to link but it's lovely over there and we're all at different stages of diagnosis and treatment, come on over.

Gosh Postcards, that was incredibly cruel of her. I can feel your pain in your words and I can't understand how someone who claims to care about you could be so horribly inhuman, when you simply needed her to be there for you. I am so sorry this happened today, but hope that you managed to make it through the MRI on your own. Please know that there are many of us on here who are rooting for you, you are not alone.

Good god, that is so truly nasty and evil.

She is a very dangerous woman.

You do realise thatvis not normal behaviour.

She is very disordered.

I appreciate you are lonely and overwhelmed, but please block this woman.

She means you no good, infact I think she means you harm.

She is so deranged from you ending things that her behaviour has become really fxxked up.

Please reach out to others.
Please protect yourself from her AGAIN.

Red Flags all over the place! This is very controlling and totally unreasonable.

Every update it just gets worse and worse and worse. You should be very happy that you kept your own place, and go back to it. Like, now.

Sorry, only the first page was showing for me when I posted

I’m so sorry, OP. Wishing you all the best.

Now some time has elapsed, I’m remembering other things that happened which shed some light on this situation.

My former partner had a friend (let’s call her Anne) who was diagnosed with an extremely rare form of cancer. Anne lived alone and had no family or very close friends to support her. My partner told me Anne was quite distressed but was coping by keeping herself extremely busy during the day, but that Anne was struggling evenings and weekends.

Former partner was quite blasé telling me about this and went about her business. I felt so awful for Anne, who I had met a couple of times and had been lovely to me. I suggested we could invite Anne to come and stay in the spare room,

It was clear the thought would never have occurred to my partner in a million years. Partner invited Anne and Anne quickly accepted the invitation. This is a friend that my partner had said she really “likes” and would do anything for… maybe it’s not entirely irrelevant to mention here that Anne is a very beautiful woman.

My partner had told me about Anne’s fertility problems, and that my partner had offered to carry a baby for her and give her that baby. Whilst still married to her former husband, I don’t have any idea what he was supposed to make of it.

Apparently Anne was so freaked out by this proposal, she didn’t speak to my partner for 6 months. Nowaday, I see Anne as a vulnerable person.

Points I took from this…
Empathy doesn’t come naturally to former partner.
Former partner has very serious boundaries issues.

Is giving your own baby away to a friend whilst still married with your own family a common thing? Former partner is not from a different culture or anything like that by the way.

…the invitation to Anne was for weekends here and there if she were particularly struggling or at a loose end.

Continuing with how my partner reacted in the past to people who were ill…
We were travelling together and my partner decided to visit an old friend, also diagnosed with cancer. We sat and had tea with her, and the old friend produced a file filled with all the info about her cancer. My partner an old friend made jokes about how silly it was for hospitals to make brightly coloured “cute” files for such a serious situation. We talked about the weather and they shared some memories of the past and we left.

Afterward, I asked my partner shouldn’t she have asked her friend how she was coping or if she needed anything or rub her back or offer some affection or comfort of some sort. My partner said her old friend would not have wanted that and that old friend was fine not to be made a fuss of…

but you see, I felt her friend going away and bringing the file to show my partner was her clearly showing that she did want want to talk about it and that she was very clearly reaching out. My partner dismissed this perception. I reluctantly dismissed it at the time, too… allowing myself to think she knew her friend better. In the back of my mind, I thought, this might be the last time you see your friend, yet partner gave a breezy hug goodbye and off we went.

Old friend also lived alone and had no family. In fact I remember her asking about my own family situation, so obviously those were thoughts on her mind at the time. I wish I’d ignored what my partner said and offered some comforting words to old friend, but I was a stranger to her and didn’t want to make her feel awkward.

I think in that situation, rather than deliberate meanness, it simply didn’t occur to my former partner to wonder how her old friend might be feeling, or what it’s like to live alone, or emotionally impactful cancer is…

My former partner didn’t even sit or lie done when she was ill (with a very bad flu) herself, so I don’t think she gives much sympathy to her own self. She things mentioning suffering is a sign of weakness or embarrassing or something like that perhaps.

Sorry to go on so much here… it’s helping me stay calm in the morning when the worst anxiety wakes me up. And it seems to keep all this from racing around in my head if I put it here.

Big hugs OP.

It sounds like she’s very messed up and has a lot of issues. Her behaviour towards you since you reached out her seems very manipulative, like a cat toying with a mouse it’s caught. I know it must be so, so hard for you right now but please give serious thought to blocking her and going NC. Any benefits you get from continued interaction will be far outweighed by the headfuck.

Are there any support groups you could reach out to locally?

This is such an accurate description of how I’m feeling. I really can’t help but feel there is some enjoyment / satisfaction in this for her. Maybe a hidden taste for hurting people followed by making up… which is terrifying!

The only reason I can think of for doing something like that is that maybe the intensity of those situations is the only way she feels cared about. I think though this might just be a fairytale I used to tell myself.

Not long ago, she told me she’s “not as fragile” as I think she is… and that some of her behaviours I was complaining about were her “kicking as hard as she could”, when she felt hurt/rejected/didn’t get her way.

It may simply be that she is a toddler trapped in the body of a professional adult and mother of adult children, who has little concept of empathy and suffers from significant anger management problems.

I think there is a real ugliness at her core.

I would think the day she decided to end her marriage was such a blessing to her husband.

I don't think you ever knew her.

The catfishing is so fxxked up.

Post away here, getting your thoughrs down are so cathartic.

I think you are right about the toddler thing, OP. It also comes back to her need for control, like with the shopping. I realised eventually with my ex it was never about what I actually DID, he just had to be the one in charge and have the power in the relationship. The concept of an equal relationship based on trust and love was totally alien to him.

Sadly these people prey on those of us who are kind and patient and empathetic.

Speaking of her husband and also this topic of how she deals with illness…

I remember meeting him and thinking he was a nice man, he welcomed us into the former family home and cooked dinner for us twice. After one of these occasions, he stopped by for the children and mentioned he felt fully recovered from Covid. He said that he had stayed with his new girlfriend while he was ill, and that she had “really looked after him”. He said this with some wonder and delight, as though it was a new experience for him. Now I know why!!!

I thought I was a pretty switched on observant person, but love is blind!

All the clues were there all along.

I observed them, but I didn’t dwell on them. I dismissed it all us nobody is perfect and one shouldn’t hold a partner to a standard of perfection.
I think I still believe that now, I just don’t know where the limit is… I had doubts whether I did the right thing leaving her, turns out I shouldn’t have had doubts because she’s had an opportunity now to hurt me more,

….but, maybe, I could have done it in a softer way. It seems she has not dealt with this well at all. I really didn’t know that at the time, I felt she had lots of resources and networks at her disposal to ease her through all of that.

I am feeling wretched guilt, did I get ill because I made her suffer?

She has certainly taken her pound of flesh now.

Still, I rejected her multiple times, I can’t expect her to come running sweetly at the first sign of trouble.

Although if she really did want to relationship back and she wanted my attention, surely it was offered on a silver platter yesterday? I would have not been able to do anything except be utterly grateful and adoring of her. All would have been forgiven.

I have heard of people who love each other coming together again in times of trouble.

Sadly, I don’t think she’s emotionally mature and stable enough to think things through calmly and thoroughly.

If the relationship had continued, it would have been with the acceptance of knowing I would have provided emotional regulation for her, and she would have provided strength to steer our ship. Together we would have been one whole well functioning person.
I would have had to always comfort myself, and her too, but I wouldn’t have been alone, and her forcefulness and dominance would have got us through hard situations. While she would have been happy to have my adoration and affection and a means by which to modify her more extreme behaviours.

I wish there was some way to have told her all this.

Is my reasoning faulty?
Am I missing something in all this?