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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner’s teenagers

317 replies

PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 14:32

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We are a same sex couple. We have started living together for the first time this summer. This is a temporary summer only arrangement so we can spend more time together.

I am not working this summer, my partner is still working full time.

I take care of 90% or more of the household chores, including hoovering, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, changing sheets… My partner handles cooking of evening dinners, I then clean up. My partner also does about 40 or 50% of clothes washing, hanging, and putting away.

We split household food and outings costs. I am still paying all bills for my own home. My partner does not want me to contribute to bills, although I have offered.

My partner has a child, 15 years old living with us 50% of the time. There is an older sibling who is with us ad hoc weekends and holidays. Both young people have significant others who often stay over weekends. None do any household chores at all.

The 15 year old has been attending a summer school 5 days a week and gets up very early for this. Usually my partner wakes up at the same time and they spend some quality time chatting.

This morning, my partner seemed rather annoyed and asked what my plans were for the day, I said apart from the usual chores, air was going to play it by ear… my partner said I should offer to do more, for example getting up with 15 year old in the morning so they are not alone before leaving the house, and which would allow my partner a lie-in.

I felt this was said in a hostile manner, almost like an order to do this, and somehow I felt uncomfortable, especially given it was said in the context of suggesting I am not doing enough. I feel I do rather a lot, part of it is cleaning up after the children.

Is it me who is being unreasonable? I am willing to look at this from different angles before speaking with my partner this evening.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2022 18:00

The whole thing is massively fucked up and deeply unhealthy. Please go home. With some distance and the responses on here you’ll hopefully decide to free yourself of the mess you’ve unwittingly got yourself into. Go. Now.

Merryoldgoat · 21/08/2022 18:00

She’s utterly manipulative and you need to end it. There is seriously no good here OP. You’ll be a drudge who doesn’t recognise herself before you know it if you stay.

Ragwort · 21/08/2022 18:00

Just go home ... you are clearly not compatible in a lot of ways - are you so desperate for a DP that you are prepared to be treated like a maid and to fulfill her sexual demands Hmm.

Youve tried living together ... it's not working ... just leave. It's not going to get better.

EkinWho · 21/08/2022 18:02

Frankly no wonder you are not wanting to have sex very often.

Initially I thought you should leave and continue your relationship. The more you reveal, I think you should run for the hills.

Ragwort · 21/08/2022 18:03

Picture yourself in your nice, quiet, tidy home ... having a long leisurely shower before bed and then getting into bed alone with a good book and no one having 'expectations' ... doesn't that sound blissful compared to your current living situation?

AhNowTed · 21/08/2022 18:05

BungleandGeorge · 21/08/2022 17:58

Personally I’d take it all as a red flag not to live with her permanently. She has a 15 year old who is deemed old enough to have a partner stay over but not old enough to get up and out without help in the mornings!

Agreed. The 15 year old supposedly needing help is just another rod to beat the OP. It's just ridiculous. Is that the best she can come up with. 15 FFS!

Anystarinthesky · 21/08/2022 18:06

Thank goodness you still have your own home.

In your shoes there is no way I would move in with DP.

Kanaloa · 21/08/2022 18:08

You need to look into the freedom programme or similar. I did it and it changed my life. I now know there are certain behaviours that ‘normal’ people with healthy boundaries and self esteem simply wouldn’t tolerate. I now recognise those behaviours and have a high enough view of myself that I’d never tolerate them. It’s obvious that your partner is controlling and borderline abusive but you can’t or won’t see that, which is worrying. You have the means to easily leave and yet are choosing to stay somewhere where you are an unpaid skivvy, constantly berated, having sex you don’t want, and being questioned and controlled over things like showering. That is abnormal.

Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 18:09

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 21/08/2022 16:17

is it possible the teens don’t do any house work because she didn’t like how they did it and/or criticised how they did it and so did it herself.

she sounds awful to live with. In a way it’s useful that you have done a test run of being in the same house with each other before moving in together permanently

My partner was told by her older child that they cleaned their dad’s house for him to cheer him up… my partner was very upset about this. She said because she had always wanted help from her husband to teach the children to do housework and he never stepped up (also didn’t clean up either apparently)… and the fact he’s managed it now has upset her, because it shows he’s willing to do this to help himself now, but didn’t help her when they were together.

I simply wondered why she didn’t or doesn’t speak to the children herself, just as her former husband has done. I suspect she thinks giving them chores would mean she’s not the cool mum anymore, and she very much prides herself on being the more cool parent of the two… occasionally buying them booze at home, let’s their partners stay over, takes their partners with her on holiday… that sort of thing, which their father isn’t as hot on. I think she wants to be loved more, and is sometimes looking for signs that they do, and asks me whether I think so. She’s somewhat insecure, I could see that early on in the relationship, but it had presented in endearing ways, things have ramped up a bit now.

OP posts:
Livpool · 21/08/2022 18:10

Your partner is extremely rude and entitled. You don't even live there full time. And not your child so why would YOU be getting up.

When I was 15 getting ready for school the hoUe was usually empty - mum doesn't need to get up and you should never.

And maybe teen would like to be alone with their mum on days out sometimes.

YANBU

Ragwort · 21/08/2022 18:13

Are you frightened to leave her?

SammyScrounge · 21/08/2022 18:15

Kanaloa · 21/08/2022 14:48

You’re a better woman than me. I couldn’t be arsed spending my time off from work paying full bills at my own home and then doing the lion’s share of cleaning up after a partner and their teenagers AND THEN being told I wasn’t doing enough for them. With a partner and an older teenager it should be equally shared.

I’d go back to your own home. Let her look after her own teenage kids and do her own hoovering and clean up after her own cooking, and you relax in your time away from work.

I agree with this. Your partner has offloaded most of the chores to you and does not appreciate what you do.
Why are you spending your holiday doing cleaning work ? I'd go home and put my feet up before I start obeying orders like getting up early to see to HER daughter. That is a total nonsense. All your partner wants is a cushy life at your expense.She has a cheek implying that you don't do enough.
It will do her good to have to do everything for herself for a change.

Livpool · 21/08/2022 18:16

I would go home for a bit and seriously consider if you want this relationship to continue

Lorddenning1 · 21/08/2022 18:23

What's happens if you went home and she went to work, are they left at home on their own, I suspect she wants you to move in over the summer to look after the children, you are bong taken advantage of but I think you already know this.

Mrswalliams1 · 21/08/2022 18:29

Gosh, she sounds very controlling. What are you getting out of this relationship? I don't think I could tolerate being in such a controlling relationship.

Kite22 · 21/08/2022 18:32

It is great you have had this opportunity to have a trial run.
As the thread has gone on, your partner has shown herself to be more and more inflexible and oddly controlling.
This has nothing to do with getting up with her teen (which would be an odd thing to do).
Hopefully you are realising this isn't a loving ang equal relationship, and will go home and find happiness somewhere else.

ThinWomansBrain · 21/08/2022 18:37

Get out, go home.
TBH, having seen her true colours, I wouldn't even continue 'dating' as a PP has suggested.
I was wondering when reading the thread initially whether the other partner was male or female, & if male is that what is making her desperate to create a close family unit. On balance I think she is just a control freak.

ThinWomansBrain · 21/08/2022 18:38

sorry, I meant to write other parent

Original poster
PostcardsFromPalma · 21/08/2022 18:43

AdaColeman · 21/08/2022 16:25

Reading your post of 15:54 it sounds as though she had an outwardly successful marriage with a compliant husband and a relationship she fully controlled.

Now she's had a sea change into a new type of relationship, but she still wants it to appear outwardly successful, (wanting you on all the trips) and she wants her children to feel they have a tight family unit (letting friends stay, making no demands on them).

You giving in to all her demands is a major part of that, it will confirm for her that she has done the right thing, because she is still able to control everyone.

Go home @PostcardsFromPalma.

I think you’ve absolutely nailed this and articulated perfectly.

Outward appearances may well be important here, and I haven’t maybe considered how important. I think respectability and the picture perfect family is what my partner had before… but she was unhappy, especially in the last years of the marriage.

I think given that it’s a same sex relationship, maybe she wants to hammer the point home we are just as wholesome, respectable, and normal as everyone else. 🤓Hehe

A repeated problem (in both relationships) has been varying sex drives. My partner has an extremely high drive that most might struggle to manage especially after the honeymoon period a has passed. I think she would be happy with 3 times a day / night, whereas I sit more comfortable at that rate in the week! Even with a compromise, intimacy is almost becoming like another chore waiting, rather than something fun to look forward to…

I’ve tried hard to compromise with her, because she gets very upset and cries… she wonders if I no longer find her attractive or maybe I care for her less as time is passing… and I can usually reassure her, but it’s always lurking in the background… she has lived in a marriage with very little sex, and I thought the situation would improve once she had been let loose in the candy store for a year or so, but no… I think this is her baseline and won’t change, and neither will mine.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 21/08/2022 18:44

Go home! I can’t believe you’re still there.

Please tell me that the booze buying and ‘partner’ sleepovers, didn’t include the 15 year old?

This wasn’t about you spending time together, it was a trial to see if you’d put up with her batshit control freekery/ martyrdom. Do not waste your time trying to get through to her because you won’t be able to. She’s a ‘do as I say and don’t question what I do’ type.

Let her play out her particular brand of ‘Disney Mum’ BS on her own.

Urgh, she sounds awful.

MacaroniBaloney · 21/08/2022 18:45

If my DP banned the use of a dishwasher (citing a made up bat shit reason) they'd be handed a pair of washing up gloves pronto.

You've had a taste of what living with her would be like and its all very controlling and bizzare. I'd pack my bags and leave tonight.

ittakes2 · 21/08/2022 18:46

I am sorry it very much sounds like she wants you to be the old version of her. A live in house keeper.

Vanderpump · 21/08/2022 18:47

Go home and give yourself a break

MsPavlichenko · 21/08/2022 18:49

You can’t appease or compromise with an abuser. That’s what she is, and it’s possible that she was with her XH too. Rather than a sexual mis match with both him and you it’s her unreasonable demands. Again it’s a common one in abusive relationships. Also a reminder that you only have her story of what went on.

I realise you probably don’t want to hear or engage with this but as almost everyone has said, it’s bad and will only get worse.

Fluffyboo · 21/08/2022 18:55

She sounds more and more manipulative with each post, and you seem to be spending all your energy trying to appease her. She won't let you use the dishwasher but won't swap to that chore herself because she prefers cooking, she wants you to get up early (completely unnecessarily) so she can have a lie in, she doesn't want you to have a shower because she wants sex, she cries if she doesn't get sex as frequently as she likes, she makes you sit in a specific place for breakfast, she accuses you of not making an effort if you don't do everything with her family. So many red flags