Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage daughter refusing to come home

203 replies

belge2 · 20/08/2022 20:40

I have posted before about my 16 yr old DD... She stayed overnight at a friends last night (fine) , got home at lunchtime and then asked to go out again. I said no as she has school work to complete before next week. She repeatedly asked, I said no in no uncertain ways. I turned my back and she climbed out the window! Haven't seen her since. She has blocked me on her phone, refusing to come home . No idea where she is, with who. Really really worried. Our relationship is pretty strained as she refuses totally to follow any rules. I really have no idea how to play it. I put consequences in place but nothing, literally nothing works.
I suspect she is involved with an unsuitable crowd and I know for a fact she sometimes smokes weed which is a MASSiVE issue for me. Literally she does exactly what she wants with zero thought for anyone else. I really don't like her very much.
No idea what to do tbh .... I think we need to go to therapy to sort out these issues but that doesn't help tonight when I have zero idea where she is. And she is refusing point blank to come home :(

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 20/08/2022 20:42

I'd message her and tell her if she isn't home or makes contact by x, I'm calling the police.

Then do it.

Royalbloo · 20/08/2022 20:42

She's testing you.

Original poster
belge2 · 20/08/2022 20:44

I know she's testing me and it's working as I feel a wreck. I have thought about calling the police but not sure what they can do ... esp if she won't answer her phone to anyone.

OP posts:
Fairygarden1992 · 20/08/2022 20:45

She will soon come home once the police post her photo on Facebook as a missing person.

Mortifying.

Original poster
belge2 · 20/08/2022 20:46

Am not in Uk so don't think they do that here! And she doesn't use FB

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 20/08/2022 20:46

No idea on this one sorry @belge2 but how bloody awful for you.

Do you know any of her friends?

RJnomore1 · 20/08/2022 20:46

I’m assuming you’re in Scotland if she’s got school next week.

Shes 16, the police won’t do anything except check she’s safe.

RJnomore1 · 20/08/2022 20:47

Sorry cross post

Original poster
belge2 · 20/08/2022 20:47

No in Belgium. Have messaged one fo her friends parents to see if I can have their daughters number (no answer yet)

OP posts:
cavalover · 20/08/2022 20:50

belge2 · 20/08/2022 20:47

No in Belgium. Have messaged one fo her friends parents to see if I can have their daughters number (no answer yet)

Can I suggest you give the parents some more details? DD has left the house and I don't know where she is so can you please ask your DC if they know where she is? I prob wouldn't give you my DDs number in these circumstances if my DD had been fed a narrative by yours... but as a fellow parent I would make sure you knew your child was okay and yell them they needed to come home

Kinneddar · 20/08/2022 20:50

Am not in Uk so don't think they do that here

I’m assuming you’re in Scotland if she’s got school next week

Unless I've missed something Scotland is still part of the UK

Jellytottss · 20/08/2022 20:51

Sit your DD down when she comes home. Don't tell her off. Calmy explain she can no longer live under your roof with such utter direspect for you if this happens again.

BatWingsAndThings · 20/08/2022 20:54

This is only helpful for next time as you can't rewind - but when she asked to go out again and you forbid it, is there a chance that next time you can say 'yes you can but ...' and reach a compromise regarding homework? Allow it and say 'when are you going to spend a little time on homework?' See what she says

She was going out anyway so taking it a step back stops the defiance and her having to rebel.

This all sounds a bit past it his sort of thing though but to stop things escalating in this way it's sometimes better to choose the battle wisely

Original poster
belge2 · 20/08/2022 20:54

So what? She moves out?

OP posts:
Libre55 · 20/08/2022 20:55

Presuming you pay for her phone? I would be confiscating it/cancelling the contract, and change your Wi-Fi password.

underneaththeash · 20/08/2022 20:56

text and say you’ll stop her phone unless she contacts you.

BatWingsAndThings · 20/08/2022 20:57

@belge2 try not to get into a further spiral of confiscating stuff and restrict, restrict , restrict all the time.

This works wonders for the compliant child. It's not working for your child. Please don't threaten to make her homeless - that achieves what exactly?

Original poster
belge2 · 20/08/2022 20:57

I will definitely be taking her phone for a prolonged periods

OP posts:
BatWingsAndThings · 20/08/2022 20:58

@belge2 why would you take her phone? Seriously, if you want to try and repair this then you've got to stop with all the consequences.

Ask yourself - have they worked to date?

19lottie82 · 20/08/2022 20:58

She’ll be back.

Original poster
belge2 · 20/08/2022 20:58

I will clearly not make her homeless! But I do need her to see how worried her behaviour makes me and how disrespectful it is. She doesn't care sadly tho I think

OP posts:
luckylavender · 20/08/2022 20:59

Royalbloo · 20/08/2022 20:42

I'd message her and tell her if she isn't home or makes contact by x, I'm calling the police.

Then do it.

Did you read the bit where she'd blocked her on the phone?

Original poster
belge2 · 20/08/2022 20:59

Why shouldn't I take her phone? I pay for it. So there are no consequences for her behaviour and she gets to do exactly as she pleases ?

OP posts:
romdowa · 20/08/2022 21:00

A family members daughter was like this and once their parents gave up hounding them they soon got bored. They were only acting out to get a reaction. If you don't react then it takes the fun out of it for her. At 16 there is little else you can do as punishments don't work.

BatWingsAndThings · 20/08/2022 21:01

@belge2 I've given you my advice as you've asked for advice in your post - one of many posts

Take her phone then. You're her mother. Hope it works out for you.