Teenage daughter refusing to come home

[belge2]

I have posted before about my 16 yr old DD... She stayed overnight at a friends last night (fine) , got home at lunchtime and then asked to go out again. I said no as she has school work to complete before next week. She repeatedly asked, I said no in no uncertain ways. I turned my back and she climbed out the window! Haven't seen her since. She has blocked me on her phone, refusing to come home . No idea where she is, with who. Really really worried. Our relationship is pretty strained as she refuses totally to follow any rules. I really have no idea how to play it. I put consequences in place but nothing, literally nothing works.
I suspect she is involved with an unsuitable crowd and I know for a fact she sometimes smokes weed which is a MASSiVE issue for me. Literally she does exactly what she wants with zero thought for anyone else. I really don't like her very much.
No idea what to do tbh .... I think we need to go to therapy to sort out these issues but that doesn't help tonight when I have zero idea where she is. And she is refusing point blank to come home :(

I will not lock her out! This is her home but we all need to live in harmony somehow! Feel calm but we will be having a chat at some stage about what her and my expectations are in future.

Also from Batwings on the post below that

"To influence, you need to be smart at communicating"

Maybe you should take your own advice Batwings! The irony is hilarious!

And by the way, just because your way worked for your teenager does not mean it will work for all. 🙄

Hmmm hard one when that happens. With my dd, it’s a ‘would you like to rephrase that?’. Easier done over text. Admittedly in your shoes with her going off like that, I can imagine it will have been hard to keep your cool. So good you didn’t engage. She will have to work later into the evening, I suppose. Actions have consequences.

Feel calm but we will be having a chat at some stage about what her and my expectations are in future.

Good luck Belge. Hope you all find a bit more harmony soon

@JockTamsonsBairns Thank you for saying that.
@belge2 I am so glad you have found her. I hope she is home
by now. I do understand why you didn’t go to collect her. To be honest, I would have. Even when my children drive me nuts the bottom line is that I want them to be safe. It is such a vulnerable age and things can escalate quickly. Perhaps try to think of it not as doing her a favour but as her literally needing help. It would be so much worse if she didn’t come home.

Me too, I’d have collected her. She’s showing false bravado. Meet her halfway.

The point isn’t about winning. It’s about making sure they’re safe.

You need to stop taking things personally and open communications with her.

My parents were strict . They grounded me. I didn’t have much freedom. It’s meant that I have never been open about my problems.

I may have had problems with my kids but I am fair and I am open and when I am worried about them I always start with I’m not telling you off and you’re not in trouble. Because if they’re ever somewhere they shouldn’t have been at 2am and scared and in a situation they’re not comfortable with, I want them to be able to call me knowing that I am just happy they’re safe and they’re not going to get a telling off.

The same when my teen had been with her boyfriend for a few months. I discussed contraception with her. She had already been sleeping with him but now we went to get her the pill and we talked about safe sex and respect and pregnancy.

What you have to realise is that they will do stuff whether you know or approve so it is a lot better being open and non judgemental because they will be safer and much more likely to listen to you.

The issue with smoking weed- I'm sure your DD does not want to be branded racist or supporting people trafficking, but that is what in effect she is doing. Drugs will not be legalised, and the victims are largely black young men and those trafficked.

The issue of her behaviour, hope someone there can be a resolution.

I don't know about racist. Lots of young black men smoke weed too. In terms of teenagers, it's not great, but it's very common to dabble in it

I work with children, most of whom are very troubled, I know what Im talking about. You have an irresponsible attitude and clearly know nothing about it and are using your brother as an example as 'experience'.

Absolutely, Im astounded at the lack of knowledge of the current drugs market and the systems around it on here.

She's home. We had a relatively calm talk- mostly she was silent. I did emphasise how worried I was and how I just need to know where she is. She has kept her phone. She doesn't seem particularly sorry for the worry caused but I am letting that go for now. I will sleep better tonight I hope ! Thanks everyone for their helpful and positive comments. Most of my local friends have younger kids so not at this tricky stage yet!

So devils advocate here, let her do what she wants. She’s testing you, she might not even be having that much fun outside but it’s the thrill of going after your parents wishes and showing them you’re in control of your life.

My friends with the strict parents and the ones that tried to keep them on a leash were the most wild ones tbh. Because they just like challenging their parents and doing the opposite. My parents let me do whatever I wanted and it was so much freedom that it even got boring at times.

Try it out for a week or two and see if it change anything

Not sure I am brave enough for that!

I’m really glad that she’s home, best possible outcome.

Don’t assume she doesn’t feel bad just because she doesn’t “seem sorry”. There can be a lot of bravado with teens but most of them don’t feel great about themselves. She might feel angry or resentful or embarrassed or any number of things but I doubt she is feeling happy about it all.

And try to remember that her feeling sorry shouldn’t be your goal, her keeping herself safe and being respectful is what you want. Her brain cannot do empathy in the way yours can.

Brilliant advice again. I'm the mother of a boundary pushing 13yo DD, and am following this thread with much interest.

Fair play to you @belge2 . You've taken note of a lot of sound advice on your thread (and discarded some less so) and I genuinely wish you and your DD well.

ParsleyPesto- can you be on call 24 hrs a day ?! 🤣 your advice has been spot on and sensible!

Very much agree with this! Personally I got to the point where every move I made ended up with a telling off, so I desensitised myself to it and did whatever I wanted.

Forgot my quote!

“When you back a teenager into a corner and remove all money, phones and privileges, you give them nothing left to lose. Literally. And that's when behaviour escalates“

Aw you’re doing fine. It’s hard! I did a pretty poor job with my oldest to the point she had to move out for a while.

Lots of therapy, courses etc. we are through that and have a lovely relationship now, and I try to remember all the lessons for my other teenager.

Mostly I have learned to sshh instead of talk (rant), to hear them out, to say I’ll think about it (even when in my head it’s an outright no) and to tell them every day how much I love them.

My younger one had a terrible, life threatening experience and since that day I have remembered that all I really want is to have them alive and well, the rest doesn’t matter. And weirdly, the more I focus on this and the less I bang on about school or whatever, the better they do.

I hope this helps. I share with good friends, too. Parents have to have each other’s backs 👌

This would upset me the most. I also have teenagers, 15 and 17. Neither have done this sort of defiant thing yet, but then I didn’t do it either as a teenager. My parents were averagely level of strict for the time I think. In my group it was pretty random who was most rebellious, it didn’t seem to relate to strictness at all. Actually my wildest friend had very laid back hippy parents. It seemed for more to do with individual personality than parenting as the wild ones didn’t all have wild siblings !
I would have hated to really worry and upset my parents, so I would not have stayed out somewhere and not told them. In your place I would be talking to my daughter about how she treats you generally, rather than this specific incident. And the value to both of you of having a respectful relationship now. Living with conflict isn’t sensible or pleasant if it can be avoided. I am sure in a decade or so she will be feeling terrible about putting you through so much worry, but that isn’t much help now.
It is difficult, as I can see the argument for giving her more autonomy and letting her make her own mistakes, but a teenager who doesn’t care at all about making others worry isn’t someone who is yet at all mature. So that is the catch, and what I would be most concerned about if this was one of mine. Sixteen year olds seem to vary hugely in terms of maturity, I’ve known a few very sensible ones and lots of silly ones. None of them have enough life experience to make good decisions all the time of course, but some of them will make more sensible ones to do with safety, and how they treat others.
How does she get on with her brothers ? I think my older brother having a word with me might have helped me change tack at that age if I’d been behaving badly. Could the eldest take her out for coffee and a chat ? Or someone else she looks up to, eg an aunt or grandmother?
You sound a lovely, caring mother. Teenagers can be really hard !

A little blip already - she wanted to go out to meet a friend down the road. I initially said no, tears etc from her. I eventually said yes (against my better judgement - I am trying v hard to say yes!) We have agreed a time , she has faithfully promised to be home no later than agreed time. Find my iPhone is activated and she knows if she's not home by that time, I will find her and her phone will be removed.This is her chance to show me she can be responsible and respect the curfew. Baby steps. God it's so hard and I am literally biting my tongue and can hear you MNetters in my head!!

I hope your dd comes home as agreed. When my dd really annoys me, I confiscate her Nike Jordan’s. I paid over the odds for them as they were oos everywhere and she was aware this would happen. I wouldn’t confiscate a phone from a child, who goes out without permission tbh.

As for how to get her to respect rules, have you thought about writing them together so that she feels part of the process? And has she done her homework btw?

No homework done! She has another week. But there is a lot and revision for an exam! But not my responsibility. I am really hoping she gets home on time. I can see where she is- only down the road, doing some good teenage "lurking" I imagine! I don't want the drama if she doesn't get home. I want and need a quiet life 🤦🏼‍♀️

Alos op you still seem in battle stance.a bit less so than this morning but still! This isn’t about winning.whether she does what you say or does what she wants.
you sound pushed to beyond your own empathy and although you can’t be blamed to being pushed,in order to get some semblance of a relationship with your daughter your going to have to really scrape back the do as I say or else,and I’m so posed off with you. Because I can feel it in your posts and I guarantee she will be feeling it too.it will be coming off you on every movement and kids can see it and it makes them want to both hide and expose it.so she will only push you harder.
she is pushing because she needs you more than ever.she is pushing because her head is often a squidgy mess of confusion.and as parents it’s the job to be steadfast,the protective walls that surround her.that no matter how pushed they no we can always always catch them.she testing it,and in fact the more she tests shows the more uncertain she is.it’s not easy to deal with at all.but instead of thinking along the lines of her just being badly behaved because she’s a tit,the more she’s acting out is showing the more she’s not ok inside.
she won’t be giving herself any kindness trust me.
sadly she needs that from you.she need your protection,those walls that will catch her.