Teenage daughter refusing to come home

[belge2]

I have posted before about my 16 yr old DD... She stayed overnight at a friends last night (fine) , got home at lunchtime and then asked to go out again. I said no as she has school work to complete before next week. She repeatedly asked, I said no in no uncertain ways. I turned my back and she climbed out the window! Haven't seen her since. She has blocked me on her phone, refusing to come home . No idea where she is, with who. Really really worried. Our relationship is pretty strained as she refuses totally to follow any rules. I really have no idea how to play it. I put consequences in place but nothing, literally nothing works.
I suspect she is involved with an unsuitable crowd and I know for a fact she sometimes smokes weed which is a MASSiVE issue for me. Literally she does exactly what she wants with zero thought for anyone else. I really don't like her very much.
No idea what to do tbh .... I think we need to go to therapy to sort out these issues but that doesn't help tonight when I have zero idea where she is. And she is refusing point blank to come home :(

*Phone EE/Vodaphone or whoever the contact is with and say the phone is lost please can they temporarily lock it until the device is found

She'll come back when it's not working!*

And don't do this, terrible advice.

Ring the phone company and bar the SIM and say you've lost the phone. This way you can ring them back and ask them to put it back on when you've 'found' it again

It certainly is OP, I can’t emphasise enough how important communication and comprising is

She climbed out the window. Why did she feel the need to do this.
the reason I ask is unless you have been locked in or feel in danger that’s the way you would leave. Or she did it for effect.
ok she has a phone do you have find my iPhone or similar
16 is a difficult age for us parents and for them old enough to do pretty much anything legally but not mature enough (that’s my opinion not mature enough)
cant keep up with others posts but I would

try and trace her find my iPhone or Snapchat can give you location (my d is 14so I’m going by that)
you know her bffs (message the friend)
goonto instagram find her friends (message them )
but do the messaging in a light way . If no replies then bring out the big guns. Message the parents but this is a last result after everything has failed and I mean everything.xx

Sorry I did mean to add she won’t want u contacting other parents bbecause well let’s face it they don’t want their parents to know what they are up to, which is the same . Kids are a nightmare but you just to the best of your ability tell them the reason without screaming (I know you want to so did I) but I also just when they got home read them the riot act without shoutin/screaming) it took a fucking lot.
ignore the punctuation having A late night with a small one watching paw patrol. I do sincerely hope everything is ok x

I would not cut off the phone temporarily. What if she actually needs to call op as she’s in trouble?

My friend used to stay out all night all the time to her parents at 16. We would go to the pub and she’d suddenly disappear off with a random guy about half an hour to an hour before the end of the evening.

I was collected. Always. I think that made a hell of a difference. Looking back, I don’t understand why one of her parents didn’t insist on collecting her to try to prevent this. They’d call me the next day. I always told them she was with the same guy (as for a while it was with her boyfriend but that finished at some stage) so as not to worry them… I suppose they didn’t believe me. I wasn’t covering for her. Her behaviour disgusted me actually. Not the promiscuity at 16. Her choice. But not looking after herself and worrying her parents.

As others have said op, dialogue is really important. Some teens (like I was) are more compliant and will ‘obey’. Others won’t.

My dd is 14 so I’m getting to this age soon. I hope your dd comes home safely.

I am sure that police advised friends never to confiscate/cancel the phone of a DC mixing with a bad crowd/going off the rails. A lot of places don't have landlines/payphones now, it is important that she has the means of communicating if/when she has to. I don't think you should even threaten taking it, because it would be downright foolish of you to follow through with.

And a 16 year old girl doesn't need her mum to be her friend. She needs her mum to be her mum. 16 can be be a very difficult age for both of you. How you manage this will affect your relationship.

How do 16 year olds with no income move out? What are they living on? You can't rent a flat or stay in a hotel under 18 in the UK, so where do they go?

Can you rent anywhere under 16 in Belgium?

WTF. Disgusting comment.

Hmm

Call the police. If she is hurt, attacked or comes to harm your lack of actively trying to get her home will be called into question. Calling the police will highlight the problem you have with your daughter and is likely to bring social services into the equation....but frankly...if my daughter had done this at 16 I would do whatever it took.

What a well thought out argument.

Bravo

Good to see you’ve done your research and not just jumped on the bandwagon

why is it a disgusting comment...? pretty correct.

Completely agree, don't be so hard on yourself. It's not easy. There is a lot of really good posts on this thread, kind of refreshing to see a thread that offers so much help from those who have been that kind of teenager and those who have had or have that type of teenager. And even as you post, you have accepted a lot of the advice. @WhimsicalGubbins a bit of weed here and there might not matter, but consistent use in the underdeveloped brain i.e 16 and even in the developed one can change the chemistry irrevocably. It isn't an either or situation alcohol v weed. But regular weed users do tend to be very defensive about the long-term effects.

Anyone who thinks that is okay to call teens "whores" in any context. Is not someone I would waste my time debating with.

@NotSure2324 arent you a precious little petal.
Stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours. I’ve no time for the terminally offended poppet

This is completely unacceptable, @belge2.

You have my deepest sympathies. You need to make a distinct and lasting impression on your daughter for her defiance. You could tell her she’s all on her own if she thinks she doesn’t need to follow any rules - from now on, she pays rent, food, washing soap, shampoo, etc. And lock everything away until she realizes that she’s not quite the grownup she imagines herself to be. Lock the food away too, and don’t cook for her. There’s a new sheriff in town.
Soon enough the people who are supporting her will tire of it. I guarantee it.
Whatever you decide, it has to make a firm and lasting effect on your daughter. I honestly don’t think therapy will do that, except as an additional benefit. She can go - but will she talk or even listen? Will she even go?
In any case, my heart is with you. Good luck. And don’t forget - you’re the one in charge here, not her.

I used to collect them as an older teen and store them in my parents garage! Used to get various friends to take them sometimes for me! So stupid!

Agree- I locked door on DS’s phone so he’d do homework..
He bashed in door panel with an axe!
That was a nadir of our relationship-

Thankfully it improved with communication .

Lol! Same! And traffic cones

I have no idea what I thought I was going to do with them all-it was certainly fun getting rid of them all when I moved out

Sounds difficult. I'm no expert but may be worth completely backing off on the hwk and saying she is totally responsible for deciding when /if she does it. May take pressure off and she may then do it. If not, at least it isn't another battle. Hope she is home safe soon and sorry I haven't read all of the thread. Just remember hwk battles and know I wasted a lot of time and emotional energy to no avail.

Goodness yes- What is it with teens and road or other signs??
I did it, and DS did too!

Unusual ones were best.

” Caution, Bear in Area”
Son dragged that back to UK from Whistler, 🇨🇦 .
back in 1970’s those skip lanterns with coloured glass lenses were a popular trophy, too.

It is safer than drinking. If they're smoking they are usually sitting around with their mates doing f all. Maybe getting the munchies. Drinking can lead to to all sorts of dangerous situations (rape in my case.) It is illegal but hardly as dangerous as getting sloshed.

@sidheandlight

I grew up down the street from a girl all our childhood - we played together almost daily. Her parents loved her and worked hard to support her - I never saw any issues in their home and I spent a great deal of time there. Doesn’t mean there weren’t any, but I only saw happiness.
We weren’t friends at school, though, although we were always very friendly.
At twelve I saw her hanging out with the “bad kids,” mostly boys. And by bad, always in trouble, delinquents. At thirteen, she was arrested for drugs (weed?) and put into Juvenile Hall, which is the American version of jail for people under the age of 18.
She was just a little girl, who managed to make so many wrong choices. I remember being shocked and sad. I remember feeling terrible for her parents, too.
She’s doing great now, has a son and an excellent job and we visit frequently. Thank god your juvenile record doesn’t follow you into adulthood here in the U.S.
I love that girl, and I’m proud of her considering the paths she could’ve taken - like so many take.