Teenage daughter refusing to come home

[belge2]

I have posted before about my 16 yr old DD... She stayed overnight at a friends last night (fine) , got home at lunchtime and then asked to go out again. I said no as she has school work to complete before next week. She repeatedly asked, I said no in no uncertain ways. I turned my back and she climbed out the window! Haven't seen her since. She has blocked me on her phone, refusing to come home . No idea where she is, with who. Really really worried. Our relationship is pretty strained as she refuses totally to follow any rules. I really have no idea how to play it. I put consequences in place but nothing, literally nothing works.
I suspect she is involved with an unsuitable crowd and I know for a fact she sometimes smokes weed which is a MASSiVE issue for me. Literally she does exactly what she wants with zero thought for anyone else. I really don't like her very much.
No idea what to do tbh .... I think we need to go to therapy to sort out these issues but that doesn't help tonight when I have zero idea where she is. And she is refusing point blank to come home :(

I wonder if we were friends at 16 because this was my Dad (and my Mum too). They were both fairly liberal and as I didn’t have anything to rebel against… I just didn’t rebel!! I probably drunk too much occasionally, but never took drugs, done well at school, my friends and I always looked after each other and, at the end of the day, I always knew I could ring my Dad to pick us all up, at any time of the night, to get us all home safely if we had got ourselves in a pickle! We made mistakes I’m sure, but we learnt from them and always knew parents were there to help if really needed! A 2 way trust maybe something that would help your relationship with your daughter.

Does she get on with her older brothers?
If they live at home or locally, they might be better placed than you to check up on her or bring her home if the situation is dodgy. They might know about the party, they might know more about the people throwing the party/the crowds your dd is mixing with, and they’ll have more street cred than you if it’s a shit situation and they think she’s not safe. She might also take their advice over yours when it comes to her personal safety. Because when you’re 16, slightly older teens/young after are cool and parents are not. When I was a teen, one friend’s parents used to send her older half brother. The fact he was a police officer (but off duty in these situations) may have helped or hindered…

Its hugely irresponsible to make out weed is ok for a 16 year old developing brain. Its not better than alcohol, both are harmful for those ages although in different ways

Also in order to get her hands on weed she will need to engage with dealers or runners, probably rack up drug debts or do 'favours' for it

There is some incredible naivety on this subject, dressed up as being ok with a bit of dope.

Lol!! That’s not the reality of teenage weed smokers at all!
Youve been watching too many episodes of crime dramas.

I grew up with a weed smoking sibling and his group of friends (they started around the age of 15) He’s now a Ph. d in his chosen field of work, as are a couple of his friends—and they’ve always been the nicest bunch of lads you could ever wish to meet. Weed dealers are not the same as heroin dealers, of course there’s always the minority that go on to wreck their lives with the harder stuff-but there’s also the minority of teen drinkers that turn into alcoholics, kids from great homes that join gangs, turn to lives of crime, become vile humans etc etc.

You can’t judge the majority by the minority, and you also can’t judge until you’ve actually experienced some of it.

Naivety is when you have an opinion without any experience. I have experience, but it doesn’t sound like you do…

I agree. I was allowed to do pretty much what I liked. And I never did anything out of line. Never drank, smoked, stayed out late (after midnight). I had nothing to rebel against.

Some of my siblings had stricter rules and they were the ones with issues during the teenage years.

My experience is also of smoking a bit here and there. I got high a couple of times as a teen. Idk how long ago this was for you. But the market for cannabis is different these days than back when I was a teen. Much stronger now. And has been linked to poor mental health, cognitive functioning and increases the chances of psychosis.

County lines drug smugglers are reported to have recruited children with offers of cannabis and cannabis laden sweets. I know smugglers of class A drugs are less interested in smuggling cannabis. But there is a connection.

This is a pure example of the defensiveness I mentioned upthread and your's is completely anecdotal evidence. It sounds so familiar. Sure I know the best lads in the world, til they weren't either for a variety of reasons. Weed dealers are not the same as heroin dealers, of course there’s always the minority that go on to wreck their lives with the harder stuff even if you didn't go onto the harder stuff, consistent abuse of weed (and yes alcohol, but alcohol is regulated, legal and unless you are in a shebeen, you know know who you are buying it from and what's in it). I have experience, too much to be honest.

OP

I'm not a parent but a teacher.

With older students I have often made a 'class contract', so students get a say in what is acceptable eg a student who is a parent needs to have their phone on, that's fine but I expect you to sit near the door and leave the room if your phone rings.

The important thing with the contract is that both sides make the rules together.

Once she is home, don't take her phone, sit down calmly and draw up some rules that you will BOTH adhere to.

Let her say what she thinks the rules should be. Give her that control.

I honestly think banning a 16 year old from going to a party on Saturday night because she has school work due next week is unreasonable, and I’m not surprised she feels like you’re unfair and her best option is to defy you. Confiscate her phone and you just destroy your relationship further, as maddening as her blocking you on something you pay for is.

You need to have a conversation where you explain your frustrations and what you would like to improve but also, crucially ask her what she thinks you are doing wrong, and genuinely listen. I’m sure she would prefer if everything wasn’t a battle, so hopefully you can come up with a compromise that works better for both of you.

There is some terrible advice on this thread.

I am not a strict parent - I just want to know where she is.

But this started when you wanted her to do her school work rather than go out and have fun, but she wanted to go out and have fun, and then turned into just wanting to know she was safe.

At 16 she needs to be supported, not controlled. So remind her she has work to do, make sure there's time to do it, but then if she doesn't do it there will be consequences at at school. Tell her she can go out, but needs to be back by x time, and let her know you are available to pick her up at any time before that. This seemed to work for my teens

My friends teen recently found herself in a situation at midnight which mean she had a very uncomfortable night - she didn't phone her parents to collect her because she thought they'd be annoyed. My DD told me there is no way she would have suffered like that, she'd have phoned me straight away to get her. 16 year olds need a lot of parenting, but it's a very different kind to when they were little.

Hope she's back early for you this morning OP, don't beat yourself up 💕it's clear you're a great mum

weèd dealers are not the same as heroin dealers

I've known quite a few dealers and they generally all offer a whole range of substances and will often give customers a free taste of other drugs "to see if they like them". They will also extend credit to encourage more use then use the debt as leverage to get the young and stupid to do "favours" for them. And then you are into blackmail/threats territory.

She's still not home and no contact. Didn't sleep very well at all.
It's all very well saying I should have just let her go out etc... she has been out the whole previous day/ night and literally had been home for a couple of hours !
I do ask her normally to be home by a certain time - she never is - always late (I am sure on purpose so she's in charge) . All very wearing and sad.
Our relationship has totally broken down and I now need to repair it, somehow. But whilst I fully appreciate my own short comings / mistakes in our relationship, I need her to make some amends too and realise that it's not ok.
I will try to remain calm when/ if she gets home. But it's really really upsetting to me that she clearly doesn't care about the worry or stress she puts me under. My OH is away right now but tbh is generally totally hopeless in these situations! But that is another thread!

And I can't even begin to even think about "dealers" and the drug situation. I think there are other issues here and that is our relationship which is damaged.

But whilst I fully appreciate my own short comings / mistakes in our relationship, I need her to make some amends too and realise that it's not ok.

Just don't expect her to be repentant today. If you do, you're just setting up another argument and pushing her further away.

What's her favourite dinner? I'd be letting her sleep when she comes home, cooking her something she loves later before you even consider talking to her about things like contraception and personal safety.

Classic.

@belge2

In my experience you might not hear from her until later in the day. I know how stressed you must be feeling. The think I always tried to cling to is "no news is good news", and given the situation the thing she is most likely to be right now is asleep! Which is frustrating!

Sorry OP, this is really stressful for you.

I think she needs to come up with some solutions about how to avoid this happening again, which you can then try to agree.

And actually I wouldn’t go as far as cooking her her favourite dinner. There’s no behaviour here that justifies a reward or the op ingratiating herself.

I would just try and have a calm and open conversation about how to move forward.

No matter what you say to her "OP" she won't listen. Best way to deal with her is to ignore her, don't cook for her or shop for her, don't do her laundry and don't give her cash. Once her homelife has come to a standstill she will demand to know why and that is the time to tell her how her behaviour is affecting you but do it calmly. Then you will both have the chance to find a outcome that suits you both but you both have to give and take

Weed smells awful , the smell itself is so pungent I wonder why anyone can smoke it? I know people can be unaware of how bad it smells over time... but I couldn't spend time with a weed smoker, it would make me feel quite ill, to me it smells a bit like manure? Why any teenager would be interested? Sorry , I know it's a derail.

I won't be cooking her favourite dinner. I am going my hardest to keep quiet. But we do need a serious talk about her phone use / not blocking me/ deactivating find my phone etc....plus of course boundaries etc. I will really try to do it a calm way, tho tears are pretty close as I am stressed and tired

I agree, I detest the smell. I detest everything about it. My 20 yr old smokes it and he knows my feelings on it. God, it sounds like my kids are totally wayward 😭. We live in a nice area, leafy and big houses. I don't worry about inner city crime so at least there's that! Not sure what my point is - guess I am trying to reassure myself that I am trying my best to be a good parent...

But we do need a serious talk about her phone use / not blocking me/ deactivating find my phone etc....plus of course boundaries etc. I will really try to do it a calm way, tho tears are pretty close as I am stressed and tired

If you're tired and tearful and she's been out all night, are you going to let her sleep before you talk to her or are you going straight into telling her how you feel?