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Original poster

Teenage daughter refusing to come home

203 replies

belge2 · 20/08/2022 20:40

I have posted before about my 16 yr old DD... She stayed overnight at a friends last night (fine) , got home at lunchtime and then asked to go out again. I said no as she has school work to complete before next week. She repeatedly asked, I said no in no uncertain ways. I turned my back and she climbed out the window! Haven't seen her since. She has blocked me on her phone, refusing to come home . No idea where she is, with who. Really really worried. Our relationship is pretty strained as she refuses totally to follow any rules. I really have no idea how to play it. I put consequences in place but nothing, literally nothing works.
I suspect she is involved with an unsuitable crowd and I know for a fact she sometimes smokes weed which is a MASSiVE issue for me. Literally she does exactly what she wants with zero thought for anyone else. I really don't like her very much.
No idea what to do tbh .... I think we need to go to therapy to sort out these issues but that doesn't help tonight when I have zero idea where she is. And she is refusing point blank to come home :(

OP posts:
Greentree6455 · 21/08/2022 08:49

I'm sorry, I really am, all I can say is, from my experiences of what my sisters got up to, what my DC and my nieces got up to and a lot of my friends children (There have been a lot of sleepness nights). I have never had the experience of anything horrible happening. The pressure won't break till you hear from her, but the chance are you will hear from her today. It is awful. A very difficult part of parenting teens.

PollyEsther · 21/08/2022 08:52

Silverswirl · 20/08/2022 22:48

I disagree. I was also this type of 16 year old but I was forced - grounded to not going out leading up to my GCSE’s. (Although I wouldn’t have dared running off and there was nowhere or no one to run of to or with!)
Yes it caused a thousand arguments and I hated everyone and everything. Screamed and shouted and cried myself horse many a time. But ultimately I got the passes I needed by being in the house and the revision books being there and my mum drumming it into me every day how important it was.
So so thankful as those passes allowed me to go on to a levels and then on to uni where I has the time of my life and got a career from the degree.

Show quote history

I passed me GCSEs just fine.

Then I still wasn’t allowed the freedom a 16/17 year should have. I ended up pregnant at 17, a single mum by 18 and had a second child by 19.

Mums need to let the fuck go of their grown children and accept they’re becoming young adults.

My eldest is nearly 16 now. It’s laughable that I would tell him he can/can’t go out. I advise him not to if he has homework, but he’s 6ft tall and huge. It’s, ultimately, his life to make mistakes in. Funny how it’s only girls who have to stay quietly at home and do as they’re told though…

PollyEsther · 21/08/2022 09:02

You’re still getting poor advice, OP. I can assure you, the more you try and put your foot down, the more she’ll push back.

I’m sure she’s absolutely fine, and also that she can’t even comprehend your worry and concern for her (I certainly couldn’t when I was that age). You can try and talk to her about it, but it will be a lead balloon.

Is there any chance there’s anything other than not liking being told what to do going on? Just in case you need to think outside the box? Perhaps she’s unhappy about something else too.

Original poster
belge2 · 21/08/2022 09:14

She is at her friends house. The mum just messaged me - she went to pick them up from somewhere late last night. So at least she is safe.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2022 09:22

PollyEsther · 21/08/2022 08:52

I passed me GCSEs just fine.

Then I still wasn’t allowed the freedom a 16/17 year should have. I ended up pregnant at 17, a single mum by 18 and had a second child by 19.

Mums need to let the fuck go of their grown children and accept they’re becoming young adults.

My eldest is nearly 16 now. It’s laughable that I would tell him he can/can’t go out. I advise him not to if he has homework, but he’s 6ft tall and huge. It’s, ultimately, his life to make mistakes in. Funny how it’s only girls who have to stay quietly at home and do as they’re told though…

Show quote history

I was treated very differently as a girl. Even in my first year of university onwards.

Greentree6455 · 21/08/2022 09:23

I'm glad you have heard from her OP, are you maybe able to get some sleep now before she comes back? She is safe.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2022 09:24

I didn’t see your post before writing mine as the internet is messing around atm. That’s great. I’m glad she’s safe. Smile

Original poster
belge2 · 21/08/2022 09:32

Greentree6455 · 21/08/2022 09:23

I'm glad you have heard from her OP, are you maybe able to get some sleep now before she comes back? She is safe.

Won't go back to bed. Back to work tomorrow (teacher) so want to make the most of my last day! Which also means I won't get a chance to speak to DH if I don't do it today as I leave early (she's not back to school yet). Going to take dog for a long walk to compose myself and try to calm down !

OP posts:
Original poster
belge2 · 21/08/2022 09:32

I mean DD not DH!

OP posts:
PritiPatelsMaker · 21/08/2022 09:34

So glad she's safe. Could you get some sleep before she gets home?

PritiPatelsMaker · 21/08/2022 09:35

Sorry cross posted with you there.

LynetteScavo · 21/08/2022 09:39

@belge2 I'm really glad your DD is safe and you know where she is. If possible, give her friends parents your number/get theirs to help you keep tabs on her. (If the other parent had messaged you when she collected, it could have saved you a lot of stress) It's good the friends parents collected her, it seems like a lot of posters on this thread wouldn't bother doing that.

@sidheandlight I'm certainly not a "cool" parent. I might be a self obsessed moron, but I haven't been told that before- did you just quote me to tell me that? Grin
Can you really not see what I was trying to say to the OP? I don't think being prepared to be there for your child, at any time of day or night is in anyway being cool. I'm pretty sure the OP would have gone to collect her DD if she'd asked.

LynetteScavo · 21/08/2022 09:51

@belge2 You might want to gently point out to her what not doing schoolwork resulted in for her older brother.

justasmalltownmum · 21/08/2022 10:03

Still call the police. They may just put an alert out and come and give her a stern talking to when she comes home.

PritiPatelsMaker · 21/08/2022 10:04

Still call the police. They may just put an alert out and come and give her a stern talking to when she comes home

Why would you call the Police when you know where your DD is? Is that what you'd do? I can't imagine the upset this would cause, including to the DF and her family.

MsRosley · 21/08/2022 10:06

belge2 · 20/08/2022 22:12

Yes you are right. I have been approaching everything wrong. What an idiot :( Parenting is so bloody hard, relentless!

Show quote history

You are not an idiot, OP. Teenage girls can be a nightmare, and yours sounds particularly challenging.

Agadoodoododont · 21/08/2022 10:10

belge2 · 20/08/2022 20:59

Why shouldn't I take her phone? I pay for it. So there are no consequences for her behaviour and she gets to do exactly as she pleases ?

Then she has to start paying for it. Saturday job in a shop, waitressing, keep her on her feet all day.
At home give her jobs to do to earn her keep, grass cutting, window cleaning.
She works for her keep which will limit her time with her friends. She doesn’t work her phone contract is cut off as she can’t pay it, she buys new clothes, toiletries with her pocket money which is only paid on completion of jobs.

rainbowstardrops · 21/08/2022 10:38

Oh what a bloody worry for you!
My friend's DD was very similar (maybe even worse as she got involved with drug dealers). My friend went through hell so I can kind of imagine what you're going through.
Heartbreaking Flowers

JockTamsonsBairns · 21/08/2022 13:03

ParsleyPesto · 20/08/2022 23:18

I think it is great that in the short passage of time on this thread that you have conceded you need to adjust your parenting style.

Having boundaries is not the same as being hardline, my way or the highway.

I totally understand your anxiety about her sneaking out and your frustration that she does not appreciate how worried it makes you.

Teenagers’ brains are still forming, their capacity for empathy is literally impaired. They are biologically designed to be selfish and to push boundaries. It can be an extremely painful time for everyone in the family! But it is nature at work, she is flexing her independence and she has to do this in order to become independent.

At the same time, maddeningly, she is very much still a child who needs her family as a soft place to fall.

The way through is communication and mutual respect. Easy to say, not easy to achieve.

In my experience the most important thing is to listen more than talk, listen, really listen when she talks to you. Hear her out. Let her see you taking her seriously, however ridiculous you may think she sounds.

Take your time before responding with absolute no. If your instinct is no, say you are not liking her idea, explain why (worry about homework or safety etc) then ask her for her ideas on this. She may surprise you by coming up with a plan to get her schoolwork done or a safety plan.

It won’t happen overnight, especially when there is a pattern of distrust and disrespect, but it is absolutely possible.

Well done for reaching out to other parents. I am in touch with all my teens’ friends’ parents. We all check in with each other about whereabouts and we have been each other’s biggest supports when one child has been in a vulnerable place.

@ParsleyPesto this is such a lovely post. Very helpful to the Op, I'm sure, but also to others in a similar situation. Thank you.

Original poster
belge2 · 21/08/2022 13:15

I agree Parsley Pesto's post was lovely, sensible and thoughtful. Thank you. If only I could be that parent ! Have been in touch with my DD- she wants a lift home as no buses! I want to just say no but won't. Going to think about how to reply first ....

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2022 14:43

I’m sure you’ve replied by now and collected your dd. Sometimes the shortest responses are the best. Even a we need to talk is scary.

Musti · 21/08/2022 14:58

When my daughter was staying out late, I really talked to her. Told her that she isn’t in trouble and that I have no problem with her having fun. However, her safety is what I am concerned about so as long as I know where she is, that she is safe, that she has a lift arranged or is staying somewhere I know then it is fine. And if anything changes then just to let me know.

So she has a tracker on her phone (all my kids do) and I never abuse it. I am interested and happy with them having a nice time and I make sure that sometimes when it’s getting late that I check in to see if plans are still ok. I split parent and my ex is really lax, so have to sometimes make sure they’re ok.

One thing I know is that locking her in her room will not make her study. Much better to discuss a schedule where she can do her work for a bit and then go out and enjoy herself.

My ex thinks that the kids should be studying a lot more than they are. They’re all doing really well so I let them get on with it. My daughter who goes out a lot is very efficient so can get her studies done really quickly.

I wasn’t always like this though. With my eldest it was a baptism of fire and I learnt that the do as you’re told doesn’t work at all.

Original poster
belge2 · 21/08/2022 15:04

I didn't collect her. She assumed I would go and asked in a particularly unpleasant way so I said sorry but you can take the bus (there is one a bit later).

OP posts:
PrincessPit · 21/08/2022 15:05

@PollyEsther you are completely right. For me, even after having a baby at 17 i still couldn't go out and was kept under control. Ridiculous. Keeping your child under your tyrannical rule doesn't make their life any better.

PrincessPit · 21/08/2022 15:08

Anyway, as long as you don't ground her and Locke her out as others suggested, and just be normal, you should be fine. When you see your DD, just be relatable and reasonable and all should be well