Teenage daughter refusing to come home

[belge2]

I have posted before about my 16 yr old DD... She stayed overnight at a friends last night (fine) , got home at lunchtime and then asked to go out again. I said no as she has school work to complete before next week. She repeatedly asked, I said no in no uncertain ways. I turned my back and she climbed out the window! Haven't seen her since. She has blocked me on her phone, refusing to come home . No idea where she is, with who. Really really worried. Our relationship is pretty strained as she refuses totally to follow any rules. I really have no idea how to play it. I put consequences in place but nothing, literally nothing works.
I suspect she is involved with an unsuitable crowd and I know for a fact she sometimes smokes weed which is a MASSiVE issue for me. Literally she does exactly what she wants with zero thought for anyone else. I really don't like her very much.
No idea what to do tbh .... I think we need to go to therapy to sort out these issues but that doesn't help tonight when I have zero idea where she is. And she is refusing point blank to come home :(

I would disagree when you say you're not strict.

At sixteen, it's her business when she gets her school work done, not yours. I don't see why she couldn't go out on a Saturday night with her friends.

To clarify she walked out the house at about 2pm, no mention of going out tonight. Just she was going to see a friend for an hour. I really don't get peoples attitudes "oh she's 16 let her do what she likes ..." She's 16, not an adult! And by skulking around and not being honest about where she is, of course it causes conflict. I have always just wanted my kids to be honest - that counts for a lot.

It's not about just letting her do what she wants.

It's about accepting that she's sixteen now and doesn't need to be told she can't go out because she has homework to do. If she chooses to go out and gets in trouble at school, that's her problem 🤷🏻‍♀️ don't let it become yours.

If she had asked me calmly, told me where she was, who with etc I would have agreed. It's the manner I get press ganged into stuff which I find difficult. Thanks to those who have been supportive. I am not a perfect parent by any stretch but just trying to do my best, like everyone. Yes I need to change my behaviour but so does my daughter!!

You'll have to decide what your true red lines are, OP.
Note I am not telling you what to do, only trying to suggest how to keep your sanity.

You clearly can't control her behaviour: so stop trying. Those efforts aren't helping. I don't think nagging her is helping you, either.

You could decide minimal support you'll give and what you expect in return. You could say "If your stuff is here then I need you home by 9pm or to let me know where you are every hour or so until you can get home. It does my head in not knowing where you are, worrying you're unsafe. It is unfair of you to make me worry like this. If you can't do that then you need to basically move out with your stuff."

So that's harsh, but it could be your red line place. You'd be encouraging her to see how she affects you & she'd not have any room to counter it except by trying to argue you shouldn't care about her, which most likely is too awful a position for even a very self-centred grumpy teenager to sincerely embrace. Or you could let her stay, come and go as she pleases, not let yourself think about the weed, and not track her but won't you be desperately worried & end up nagging her after all? Doesn't seem viable. You can tell her that, too.

I wouldn't take away her phone. That's literally going to make it harder for her to communicate with you or anyone. I can't see that move helping.

I def agree with its her problem not mine - I do really struggle with this. Maybe because the school system is so harsh here and kids fail years here all the time (that's another thread!) But I agree I need to let go

Calmy explain she can no longer live under your roof with such utter direspect for you if this happens again.

FFS!! She's 16!!

Would most likely escalate it all and her ending up in a really dodgy situation!

If I found out where she was I'd go and get her

At 16 I just don’t think you can lay down the law in the same way, she’ll be leaving home in a couple of years, she’s not that far off being an adult.

I don’t think her behaviour is acceptable, no, but some new ground rules need to be negotiated and agreed rather than imposed.

I do agree. Just not sure how to do this ! Something to worry about another day. We will have a calm talk when she is eventually home. There still have to be some ground rules like knowing where she is and answering her phone .

Reading this as a mum of young daughters and it’s a worrying glimpse into the future!
so sorry you’re going through this OP.
I would be worried sick.
I’d never threaten homelessness or anything though, to what end?

I’d sort of accept there is little you can do to punish her at this age. If you have the opportunity you can tell her the way she’s treating you is disrespectful and cruel. Being out all hours god knows where with god knows who is of course going to leave you anxious. That she can be treated respectfully as an adult but she needs to try to show respect to you and your feelings as a mother and someone who cares for her.

If you get passed that can you focus instead on giving her a safe roof over her head and then maybe ask to spend some quality time together? Maybe a cinema trip or something you’d both like to do. If saying no and discipline don’t work i’d give her her independence and focus on being a safe space and rebuilding you’re relationship.

I’m sure she’ll look back at this when she’s older and realise how silly it all was.

Hope she’s home soon OP. In the meantime try and distract yourself!

My DD (16) has just returned home with a road sign

Yes, and sometimes they need to mess up themselves and learn the consequences at school.

It’s very difficult to renegotiate the right boundaries.

So say she doesn't do her school work and ends up failing a year.

The consequences is that she will need to repeat.

That's a consequence for her. Not for you and you need to understand that it's not a reflection on you.

If she doesn't do her homework then it's on her to sort out. Not you.

You need to remove school work from the ground rules conversation

Have family history on this - it didn't end well shall we say :( In fact totally messed up my eldest son so am v keen to not allow that to happen

Where would she go or are you suggesting kicking her out and letting her get on with it. No wonder there are so many homeless youngsters on the streets, their mothers are all on MN egging each other on to kick their kids out.

Do you work with children that go missing a lot?

They love the drama of it and often comment under the reports, whether facebook or twitter etc

They're not mortified at all

I think you're going down the wrong path,. this hardline confiscation of phone, no going out etc might work for a younger child, but it's important to establish more of a dialogue with a 16 year old and see where you can meet in the middle.

I've just been listening to Kate Moss on desert Island discs and she told a story of when she went to a club in London with some older boys when she was 15 and her mum found out where she was and turned up on the dance floor in her dressing gown and dragged her home 🤣🤣

I hope she gets in touch soon OP, I'd be worried sick. I honestly wouldn't go down the punishment route, I'd be trying to open up lines of decent communication. Its going to be a rough few years if you can't do that

I am NOT going to kick my daughter out, however tempting on the heat of the moment ! This is her home.

You need to compromise. She’s 16 you are going to push her further into the arms of the people you don’t want her to be around. Confiscating her phone isn’t going to do anything she will probably walk out the house and might not go to a friend you know. You need to think of boundaries that are going to work as your boundaries aren’t working she is doing what she wants but that also makes a child feel unsafe because they have the control as they know the parent hasn’t.

OK. So things didn't go well with your older child but you can't hold her responsible for that.

At 16 her school work is entirely her responsibility. Not yours.

If you treat her in a more grown up way making sure she understands her responsibilities then it will probably work out better.

Just read this - it’s actually pretty sweet he asked you for permission.

Yes I agree . I can see that my way isn't working and something needs to change. I need to really rethink how to deal with it all. My initial reaction is confiscate etc but there does need to be open dialogue which has been lacking. Been more of a battlefield recently. Thank you for the kind posts for letting me know this, I really do mean that .