Teenage daughter refusing to come home

[belge2]

I have posted before about my 16 yr old DD... She stayed overnight at a friends last night (fine) , got home at lunchtime and then asked to go out again. I said no as she has school work to complete before next week. She repeatedly asked, I said no in no uncertain ways. I turned my back and she climbed out the window! Haven't seen her since. She has blocked me on her phone, refusing to come home . No idea where she is, with who. Really really worried. Our relationship is pretty strained as she refuses totally to follow any rules. I really have no idea how to play it. I put consequences in place but nothing, literally nothing works.
I suspect she is involved with an unsuitable crowd and I know for a fact she sometimes smokes weed which is a MASSiVE issue for me. Literally she does exactly what she wants with zero thought for anyone else. I really don't like her very much.
No idea what to do tbh .... I think we need to go to therapy to sort out these issues but that doesn't help tonight when I have zero idea where she is. And she is refusing point blank to come home :(

Where is she getting her money from OP? It sounds like a typical 16 year old so try to stay calm, as worrying as it is.
Saying you don't like her is a rough thing.. what is it about her that you don't like? I often think with teenagers that you have to show your love more, and harder.
TELL her why you are so scared and angry when she disappears like this, try to build some honesty on both sides.
For tonight, I would be driving around usual hang out spots and houses she might be at. Is that an option for you?

I have driven round - no sign at all. I suspect she is at someone's house. She messaged me to say she is not coming home tonight but will not tell now where she is or who with. Now blocked again

Do you know where her school friends live? Can you go door to door and ask the parents?

@BatWingsAndThings is absolutely spot on. My immediate thought on reading your OP was 'she's 16, it's Sat night, why can't can't go out?'. Appreciate she has school next week but man, you like to make your life hard. Time to loosen the strings OP.

gjt

The first time my dd did something like this I sat her down and said we can either have a relationship where we 100% trust each other and getting on great or we can spend the rest of her teen years shouting and screaming at each other, so what would she like to go for?

I will say you might have better luck coming across as less strict because she’s at the exact age she wants to feel a little more independent. Missing out on a social event feels devastating at that age too!

What works for me is to always say yes unless there’s really good reason not to, picking my battles. (This gives you much more effect and respect when something is actually a no!)

In this situation I would have said “Yeah, as long as you get your work done before next week, remember!” and she’d assure me she was doing it on whatever day.

Don't think she is with school friends ... but maybe she is. Literally no idea and don't know where her school friends live ( sounding like a v bad parent but she's recently changed schools and tends to socialise more locally with former school f friends). Friends dad has messaged and the 2 girls are together but still no idea where

I'm guessing it's a boy/love interest then. Silly girl.
If I was you I would text
'look dd I love you and I'm so scared of you getting hurt. Please let me know where you are and if you are safe, I have no way of knowing if someone has taken your phone and is pretending to be you. I will pick you up no questions asked xxx'

OP, with kindness, your method is not working. You are driving round in fear and worry. She has blocked you, is partying and gives zero shits.

An adjustment is required.

Do you have her friends number/will her dad share it?

I totally agree my parenting method is not working. That much is clear. No idea how to change it up so it does work .
Friends dad has managed to get in touch with his daughter - but think now blocked too. They are at a party in a chateau... with totally unknown to me people. He's going to drive past and see what's what

I think a lot of the time with teenagers this age you have to throw the old rule book out of the window and let them know you're human and not just boring old mum.
I'll always remember my friends dad for being always available, any time of night, for a lift home. My friend could call him ALWAYS and he would turn up and get us out of whatever silly business we had landed ourselves in. He never shouted or told us off, just got us back safely and kindly.
I can't imagine the poor man's tiredness or worry but bless his heart, what a guy.

Oh god OP, I did the same, I turned into an arsehole at 16 and did stuff like this. But I always went home because despite the fact I (wrongly) thought my mum was the saddest thing going and just ‘didn’t understand me’, that was my home and my safe place. At that age the more overbearing my mum became the more I pushed back - im afraid a talk about how that made you feel will likely fall on deaf ears. It I hope she returns safely.

At least you know which friend she's with and she told you that she wouldn't be home. You can make her do her schoolwork so I wouldn't push that as shes old enough to know that she should be doing it. She's rebelling to be an arse. Will lose its appeal if you react. She obviously thinks shes old enough to make her own decisions about staying out so maybe when she returns you could give her the grown up responsibility of doing her own washing and cleaning her room etc?

I'm glad you have friends dad on side x is the chateau owned or a bit of a rave situation? What's the legal drinking age in Belgium?

Legal drinking is 16 but not really worried about alcohol tbh . She doesn't drink much. No idea if it is a rave- would be surprised - we live in a really quiet suburb !

When you back a teenager into a corner and remove all money, phones and privileges, you give them nothing left to lose. Literally. And that's when behaviour escalates

My eldest is grown up now but my youngest is 15 and a half and just started going out. Do I like it? No, not much. I've asked him for total honesty with everything and given a reassurance I won't ever punish him providing he is always truthful

This has had its pros and cons. He texted me last week when out and said he was at his friends with adults who were having an anniversary party and could he have a can of cider? His friends mum was supply it (wtf?) He's never had a drink before.

I started to type out 'no of course you can't! And if you do I'll blah blah blah'

I stopped myself and said 'well, I'd rather you didn't because you're not old enough. However I appreciate you've been upfront with me and asked me so the answer is yes, but just one ok?'

He came home and he'd had two which he instantly told me and I laughed and said ' this isn't a habit ok?'

And that was that.

It's taking that step back and showing them they have autonomy to do stuff but have to be sensible

Like a previous poster, I try and say yes to most things. Sometimes with caveats and sometimes when I don't particularly want to. So when I say NO (he wanted some 'gaming powders' which give you energy to play online longer) , he knows I mean no and he doesn't push it. Much

My DD (16) is similar
Look - she has told you she won't be back at will be staying with a friend so that's a positive! Even though she has blocked you again!

I feel less worried now I know she is with her friend (tho of course they could both be doing v stupid things ...) God, teenagers! She is my youngest one (older 2 are boys and never really behaved like this ) They had / have their moments but do let me know where they are etc

This. And lock the door on her if she does this again.

She’s old enough to get married and have children and you’re policing her as though she was still a child.

at her age you’re parenting style really needs an adjustment.

it’s not about punishment or removing phones or similar - it’s about mutual respect (which you also earn) and negotiation imo.

it’s now about helping her to grow and learn how to be safe when she goes out into the world. She may make choices you don’t agree with, but they’re her choices - How can you help facilitate them for her safely.

it’s a minefield at this age, but if you can’t communicate, you can’t influence.

@Mumspair1 stupid advice.

@Luckything50 spot on. To influence, you need to be smart at communicating

This must be very worrying for you. I'd say call the police so they can at least check She's OK.

However, going forward, surely this is where the transition to an adult- adult relationship comes in? In 2 years, she'll forge her own path anyway with or without your blessing. By sticking with the arbitrary confiscation consequences (which obviously aren't working), why not work on opening lines of communication, getting to understand her and her friends...Presumably, you want her to come to you if she ever has any problems/needs advice in life? Nows the time to start laying those foundations.

Let's face it, if she hasn't done her school work. She's probably going to get a ticking off anyway, or not get the grade she wants.

She is still a child at 16. Can't get married here at that age thank god. I am not a strict parent - I just want to know where she is. Surely that's normal. She has plenty of freedom and I don't like it but nothing is ever enough for her. She literally cannot accept being no for anything, regardless of what it is. And this is part of the issue!

I’m sorry but I think you set yourself up for this by not allowing her out on a Saturday night when she has schoolwork due next WEEK.

Difficult though it is, she’s 16, she’s already told you she isn’t coming home tonight, try to sit tight, stop feeding her drama by searching for her and trying to get hold of her.

IF you manage to track her down tonight, there’s going to be an almighty showdown (not a criticism, just knowledge of human nature) and it’s going to take longer to move on for you both