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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Call the police or am I wasting police time

381 replies

GarlicCrackers · 20/08/2022 01:24

Partner went out on his motorbike to go to an open Mike night. Said he would be home at 11.

11.20 he messages to say sorry he didn’t realise the time he’d be home soon.

it’s now 1.20 and he isn’t answering his phone. Facebook messages show as not delivered, and when I ring his phone it either says this persons phone is switched off or it rings with no answer.

im sure he is fine and is having a good time but I’m pregnant and currently an insomniac, I’m worried. We live in York, I’m worried he has had an accident, or maybe he stupidly had a drink and then something happened on his motorbike.

Would I be wasting police time if I rang and asked if they’d had any reports? Do I just wait? I can’t sleep. We have dogs and they bark their heads off when he gets home so he knows it’s not on to come home really late as it wakes me up and I’m an irritable pregnant lady, I’m happy for him to stay out at a friends when he goes out to avoid that. But he’s not communicated anything

OP posts:
welshpolarbear · 01/09/2022 08:12

I've just read the whole post op and I went through feeling angry for you, sad and then angry again!

Come Friday you'll be able to sleep without being disturbed by him in the night.

You're going to be better off, even if at the moment it feels hard. You seem like a strong lady.

Those baby snuggles are going to be the best.

billy1966 · 01/09/2022 08:16

You have saved yourself a lot of trouble getting him out before the baby arrives.

Good luck.

HailAdrian · 01/09/2022 08:20

Sorry but I feel angry reading this. He's fucked off because he 'doesn't want to be a dad?' Bit late for that. I'm sure you already know but please claim child maintenance, even if it's a pittance. He's an arsehole and needs to grow the fuck up. You're well shot of him OP.

Ihatethenewlook · 01/09/2022 08:26

If there’s any silver lining it’s that you’re rid of him now instead of going through the stress that this insufferable prick will no doubt have caused you once the baby’s here. Seems like everything’s falling in to place with your house and your mum helping. No doubt this shitty relationship has been affecting your older child as well

InsertPunHere · 01/09/2022 08:27

Best of luck for a fresh start.

Tistheseason17 · 01/09/2022 08:39

Had an ex like this. Always disappearing, phone switched off,rode a motorbike, drummer in a band. Would call me to pick him up from town... then ring 5 mins later saying, it's OK,I've got a "taxi" now.

EVERY time he was off radar he was shagging someone else.
So glad I got out - and pleased you have, too, OP. Don't let him back. Leopard's never change their spots.

MikeWozniaksMoustache · 01/09/2022 08:41

HailAdrian · 01/09/2022 08:20

Sorry but I feel angry reading this. He's fucked off because he 'doesn't want to be a dad?' Bit late for that. I'm sure you already know but please claim child maintenance, even if it's a pittance. He's an arsehole and needs to grow the fuck up. You're well shot of him OP.

While I completely agree with the sentiment, he’s self employed. No doubt he will just fudge the books to make it look like he doesn’t earn anything and leave OP and his child high and dry.

DWMoosmum · 01/09/2022 08:42

My step brother killed himself four years ago. he went out to work as usual, didn't take his pills, or his lunch, didn't wear his work shoes, never answered calls and then we got the news.

My husband and I had a very rare argument, he took it upon himself to go out at 7pm, for 4 hours, switched off his phone and turned off tracking. I was absolutely beside myself. I called the police to report him missing. I called the local station, not 999. They said they would keep an eye out for him. Thankfully he returned about 11pm. We argued again about how sensitive I am to things like that. He didn't realise how much he'd upset me.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I'd call the local number instead of the emergency number.

TheRosesAreInBloom · 01/09/2022 08:54

Good luck OP, it sounds like you have this sorted and will do a fab job with your children. Getting rid of the manchild was the best move I ever made 😃

BloodAndFire · 01/09/2022 08:58

DWMoosmum · 01/09/2022 08:42

My step brother killed himself four years ago. he went out to work as usual, didn't take his pills, or his lunch, didn't wear his work shoes, never answered calls and then we got the news.

My husband and I had a very rare argument, he took it upon himself to go out at 7pm, for 4 hours, switched off his phone and turned off tracking. I was absolutely beside myself. I called the police to report him missing. I called the local station, not 999. They said they would keep an eye out for him. Thankfully he returned about 11pm. We argued again about how sensitive I am to things like that. He didn't realise how much he'd upset me.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I'd call the local number instead of the emergency number.

Have you read any of the thread at all? That was weeks ago and things have moved on.

Sorry for your loss.

Agadoodoododont · 01/09/2022 09:02

Only just read your thread. Although this is tough, going alone with a baby, you’re doing the right thing. You’ll be bringing up 3 children with him otherwise.
Brilliant you can have a mortgage free home, that will make a huge difference in the future.
Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy and birth.

Ineedtoletgo83 · 01/09/2022 09:05

What a bloody man child. If he can make a baby he can look after it. I think you’ll find it more peaceful not having him home although granted a lot to do with a new baby on the way. I’d struggle to put him on the birth certificate if I was you. I hope you have some family support for when baby is here OP.

Agadoodoododont · 01/09/2022 09:06

And I’m sure it’s been said but I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate and give the baby your surname. He on his own isn’t likely to claim access but if he later marries/ hooks up with someone who wants to play happy families…….you never know.

Frazzled2207 · 01/09/2022 09:09

well that all escalated didnt it but it sounds like you will be well rid. And reasonable to help him move if he doesn't have a car.

Hopefully he'll grown up a bit and turn into a responsible dad of sorts in time. Absolutely don't count on it though. Pleased your parents are supportive.

Fraaahnces · 01/09/2022 09:11

So pleased he’s been binned in favour of self-esteem

ReneBumsWombats · 01/09/2022 09:11

GarlicCrackers · 20/08/2022 19:05

He has nowhere to go, he has no funds to move. He will ask his sister for a loan to expedite. He’s on the tenancy so not as simple as chucking him out. However, I am due to move in 3
months anyway as buying a house - I’ll just be doing it without him.
money will be very tight for the next few months without his income, baked beans on toast! But once moved I will be fine.

using inheritance to purchase so no mortgage etc. would have been even more comfortable with his income. Mums said today she will come stay to help with the baby as long as needed, she’s selling her house to downsize so she can just stay with me. I’ll appreciate her help and company - we can watch Scandinavian crime
dramas together

funny how a little argument about showing some
consideration ended up resulting in “I don’t want to be a dad, you should have terminated but you didn’t so these are the consequences”

Show quote history

Arguments are often not about what they're about.

I'm sorry you're going through this but you seem to have it all sorted and he was clearly always never going to provide anything but money. Be sure to claim CM so you still have that.

Original poster
GarlicCrackers · 01/09/2022 09:23

friskybivalves · 01/09/2022 07:54

Is he taking the dog?

The dog that will get left on its own for hours when he goes on a lock in, that can't go on his motorbike, that he won't get up to walk in the morning?

Bet if he is, your dog will be returned to you.

I'm sorry your pregnancy insomnia still seems to be an issue, judging by the time of your most recent post - maybe once the move is done your brain will quieten down a little. Best of luck with it all.

I couldn’t say for definite but he doesn’t seem to be taking the dog.

Its been a very sore subject for him but his area of work is half an hour from his new house. His area of work is my town. He can see dog as much as he wants, he can have him for the weekend. He’s stopped saying oh he’s young enough that he will get used to being on his own. I’m being very careful not to push it because if I talk about dogs welfare he gets irate. So I’ve framed it from the perspective that he can’t guarantee he won’t be out all the time, what if he goes straight from work to band practice etc. I’ve said he can pop in and see him on his way home, take him for a walk (hilarious as I can’t remember the last time he walked him).

the dog has grown up in a pack, of both cats and dogs and a lively household. I pointed out he has a tendency to howl if he is sad and that wouldn’t be a good start to a relationship with neighbours. Also, self employed what if he runs out of money? Dog is on specific food - 30kg of dog, he has a sensitive stomach so he’s on a particular food which isn’t expensive, but mid range so £30 a bag. I work from home, living with my mum soon and she walks him even more than me. Between the two of us we get the dogs out on the field. Categorically better quality of life. If he settles down and realises he doesn’t NEED the dog, I’ll give him the money he paid for him just to tie it all up.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 01/09/2022 09:36

You'd give him money for the dog? When you're having his baby and he's basically bailed?
You sound amazing OP, but please don't pander to him.
You definitely sound like you'll be fine. But you really, really, do not owe this man the tiniest penny.

Onekidnoclue · 01/09/2022 09:45

Wow OP. I’m so impressed at your resilience and calmness. I think you’re very sensible and making clearheaded decisions which I wouldn’t be capable of when pregnant. Sorry if that’s patronising. It’s really not supposed to be. I was a blubbering wreck when pregnant and wouldn’t have been able to be as grown up as you. I’m super impressed. Hope the baby takes after you! X

Rosehugger · 01/09/2022 09:48

He doesn't want to be a dad? Maybe he should have taken responsibilty for contraception then, as now he is going to be one whether he likes it or not. I'd gather as many records of his earnings as you can, as self-employed people are notoriously difficult to pin down for CM payments.

Foronenightonly22 · 01/09/2022 09:58

It’s shocking that he is more concerned about a dog than his own child. What a loser. Good luck with everything.

WireSkills · 01/09/2022 10:06

Foronenightonly22 · 01/09/2022 09:58

It’s shocking that he is more concerned about a dog than his own child. What a loser. Good luck with everything.

I agree with this.

It's also very telling that you were most upset about the thought of him taking the dog. It's a good sign that the relationship was already well and truly done. Probably why you're being so pragmatic and sensible about everything now too.

Just make sure you put in a CMS claim when he doesn't bother paying maintenance, because you can guarantee he won't volunteer the money by the sound of it.

It definitely sounds like this is his loss OP. You (and your Mum!) sound amazing.

OctopusBreath · 01/09/2022 10:09

How is your child coping OP? This must be a very confusing and odd time for him/her- coping with a new sibling and a break up.

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/09/2022 10:19

Rosehugger · 01/09/2022 09:48

He doesn't want to be a dad? Maybe he should have taken responsibilty for contraception then, as now he is going to be one whether he likes it or not. I'd gather as many records of his earnings as you can, as self-employed people are notoriously difficult to pin down for CM payments.

I'd just been about to post exactly this! He doesn't want to be a live-in dad - but he is going to be a dad nonetheless.

OP, I'm another one here to express admiration at your calmness and good sense. Very best wishes for a good, easy delivery and joy from your new arrival.

chaosmaker · 01/09/2022 10:39

I would have hated anyone forcing me to be a parent. Was it a case of no condom use as you were on the pill? I know accidents happen but we (women) at least can get an abortion. This is one of the few cases where I feel sorry for men who have voiced their opinion but end up lumbered with a person they didn't want to have. A grey area.
Good luck with the baby, OP.