Page 15 | Call the police or am I wasting police time

GarlicCrackers · 2022-08-20T00:24:40+00:00

Partner went out on his motorbike to go to an open Mike night. Said he would be home at 11. 11.20 he messages to say sorry he didn’t realise the time he’d be home soon. it’s now 1.20 and he isn’t answering his phone. Facebook messages show as not delivered, and when I ring his phone it either says this persons phone is switched off or it rings with no answer. im sure he is fine and is having a good time but I’m pregnant and currently an insomniac, I’m worried. We live in York, I’m worried he has had an accident, or maybe he stupidly had a drink and then something happened on his motorbike. Would I be wasting police time if I rang and asked if they’d had any reports? Do I just wait? I can’t sleep. We have dogs and they bark their heads off when he gets home so he knows it’s not on to come home really late as it wakes me up and I’m an irritable pregnant lady, I’m happy for him to stay out at a friends when he goes out to avoid that. But he’s not communicated anything

Original poster

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 11:57

WeepingSomnambulist · 14/11/2022 11:49

You're a former addict? And you got into a relationship with a man using drugs? Whilst you had a child?

I used to work with addicts. That's a top rule; dont get involve with other drug users.

What are you doing? You got into a relationship with a drug user, moved him in and got pregnant. Now you're having a baby and he left you, but you're still falling over yourself to help him and he is living with you for the moment. He was coming over to stay every week whilst drunk and high.

Stop kidding yourself. This wont stop once his back is better.

You've got yourself an addiction to him and the drama and the idea of being needed. Get yourself therapy.

I wouldn’t say I’m a former addict. I had a period of time at university that could have ended a lot worse, the day I found out I was pregnant was the day I didn’t touch anything ever again. It was mainly the sorts of drugs students take for “fun”. The main issue is I’m a prolific dopamine high seeker which I now know is ADHD related.

When I met him, he was clean as a whistle - no drink no drugs. So I didn’t get involved with someone I knew/thought would be bad for me. We had a good run of normality and what a fairly healthy relationship should look like. It just went majorly Pete Tong

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Original poster

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 11:58

BloodAndFire · 14/11/2022 11:53

Wow, OP, you and your mum are so hardcore and kick-ass! You're serving vegetables to a man who doesn't like vegetables! While putting him up for free in your house, driving him to his appointments, giving him cash, letting him sleep in your bed, taking him to hospital, letting him in at 2am on drugs, and serving all his meals for free.

But wow. Vegetables. That'll really put him in his place.

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It was tongue in cheek.

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Emotionalsupportviper · 14/11/2022 11:58

GarlicCrackers · 04/09/2022 12:14

Sorry I missed this earlier.

Pretty case scenario I think my grandma may bail me out if it came to it, I wouldn't want that of course so I'm already living to the max efficiency I can. Full freezer of food, plenty of tins so I'm trying to make sure I get a balanced diet whilst pregna t but not spend anything.

I probably do need to suck it up and agree for him to come off the tenancy, he has already caused some damage to the property - which I'll have to pay to fix. He dragged something through the kitchen and tore the lino. It's cheap from carpetrite so maybe mum and I need to learn how to lay lino....

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He's not paying his share of the remaining tenancy, he has cause damage which will come out of the deposit (make sure you keep the rest) and he has posted the FOULEST comment online - make sure you keep the dog in lieu of all of the rent/ deposit money he owes you.

I take it back about thinking him merely immature and selfish. He's a total tw*t!

BloodAndFire · 14/11/2022 12:02

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 11:58

It was tongue in cheek.

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Yeah. Just like it was 'hilarious' when he told the nurse that he didn't want a daughter. And the whole situation is 'hysterical'.

You actually think your mum cooking his dinner and serving it to him is some sort of hilarious triumph because she's making something he doesn't like. Fuck me.

Is your son not at home with you this week then?

BloodAndFire · 14/11/2022 12:03

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 11:57

I wouldn’t say I’m a former addict. I had a period of time at university that could have ended a lot worse, the day I found out I was pregnant was the day I didn’t touch anything ever again. It was mainly the sorts of drugs students take for “fun”. The main issue is I’m a prolific dopamine high seeker which I now know is ADHD related.

When I met him, he was clean as a whistle - no drink no drugs. So I didn’t get involved with someone I knew/thought would be bad for me. We had a good run of normality and what a fairly healthy relationship should look like. It just went majorly Pete Tong

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I see. So when you said you were a former addict, you meant you took recreational drugs at university like almost everyone did, and then you stopped when you got pregnant/grew up. So not in any sense like someone who is crashing his motorbike while off his face on coke (which he has bought, by the way) while coming home in the middle of the night to a pregnant woman.

Original poster

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 12:04

KettrickenSmiled · 14/11/2022 11:55

He has never said, I’ll kill myself if you don’t help me. He has had breakdowns crying and has said he doesn’t want to go on. I won’t go into the detail of those breakdowns but they have been significant.

I have deduced he is potentially suicidal because the day after his accident, I found he had dispensed all of his pills into a mug and he got very upset that I had seen them but told me he was bored.
Come on OP. You are brighter than this.
He hasn't used the ultimatum-delivering words plainly, but he makes damn sure you get to see his manipulative display of suicidal ideation.

I have already contacted his doctor to ask them to up his antidepressants and for them to arrange the crisis team to get involved so I don’t have to shoulder the burden.
You are still mummying him!
How are you able to discuss his MH with his GP, let alone order a changed prescription?
Can he not use a telephone himself?
Has he taken a single solitary step toward managing his own symptoms since you became pregnant?

I do not have a problem with responses feeling strongly about me being “taken for a ride” but some of the language isn’t necessary and is unkind.
I am very sorry if my bluntness crossed the line into harshness OP, & apologise for any upset I may have caused you.
It is because I have been where you are, & watching you accept this man back into your life is upsetting. NOTHING you can do for him will ever be enough. He will ALWAYS manufacture some crisis which, bizarrely, only YOU can save him from. He will only get sober, straight, into work, & deal with his MH issues when HE wants to. You can want it as hard as you like - your input won't change the outcome. All it is doing is delaying the inevitable. Until he hits what HE sees as rock bottom, he will carry on living off your back, because he has shown no intention of wanting to heal himself. He'd rather leech off you.

No need to apologise, I understand where it comes from.

I don’t give him cash, I MAY pay for the taxi to his appointment. That’s it.

Food wise, he doesn’t cost me any extra - I’m working my way through the freezer to feed him and I’m not buying him junk food. Fish fingers and frozen veg is his worst nightmare, but that’s what he is getting!

The pills in the mug, there’s no way they were left for me to see. Firstly I don’t go to his house, I have no need to and secondly from the moment he got home directly after his accident (he was taken home from the scene by a friend) to the second I took him to hospital he was immobilised in bed. The only reason I saw them was because I decided to pick up takeaway boxes and put them in the bin whilst I waited for him to use the bathroom before we left.

OP posts:

Original poster

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 12:06

BloodAndFire · 14/11/2022 12:03

I see. So when you said you were a former addict, you meant you took recreational drugs at university like almost everyone did, and then you stopped when you got pregnant/grew up. So not in any sense like someone who is crashing his motorbike while off his face on coke (which he has bought, by the way) while coming home in the middle of the night to a pregnant woman.

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I said, I had problems with drugs. I didn’t say I was an addict.

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kiwigeekmum · 14/11/2022 12:07

I fear I may be too late for this, but.... Absolutely do not under any circumstances give him a key to your new house.

Also, once he has been shifted back to his place (I'm looking forward to that update in the next 2 weeks) do not open the door for him at any unsociable hours (or any time that isn't pre-arranged, really). Please do not feed him, or give him money, or be his taxi, or do his laundry, or do him any favours. And most definitely do not let him stay the night!

He is a grown-ass adult and it is HIS responsibility to sort his own life out!!! You need some really firm boundaries in place. You are such an amazing and kind person, but he will never stop taking advantage of that unless you cut him off. You have your two wonderful children to spend your time, energy, and money on.

Having got that off my chest, I really wish you all the best for the rest of the pregnancy and the birth of your daughter. I hope you'll be able to look back on this in the future and laugh, and know that you're SO MUCH better off without him.

Also, your Mum seems great. :-)

BloodAndFire · 14/11/2022 12:08

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 12:04

No need to apologise, I understand where it comes from.

I don’t give him cash, I MAY pay for the taxi to his appointment. That’s it.

Food wise, he doesn’t cost me any extra - I’m working my way through the freezer to feed him and I’m not buying him junk food. Fish fingers and frozen veg is his worst nightmare, but that’s what he is getting!

The pills in the mug, there’s no way they were left for me to see. Firstly I don’t go to his house, I have no need to and secondly from the moment he got home directly after his accident (he was taken home from the scene by a friend) to the second I took him to hospital he was immobilised in bed. The only reason I saw them was because I decided to pick up takeaway boxes and put them in the bin whilst I waited for him to use the bathroom before we left.

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So he got you pregnant, told you to terminate, left you, takes drugs, gets pissed, doesn't work, posts disgusting posts on social media about how much he hates children, and tells everyone that he doesn't want a daughter.

And in return you, heavily pregnant, with a 10-year-old child, go to his house, drive him to the hospital, tidy up his mess ffs, drive him back to your house, where you and your mum tend to him and feed him fish fingers like he's a poor little baby.

This is excruciating. You are doing yourself, your son, and your future daughter no favours at all. And you risk social services involvement as well, realistically.

Original poster

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 12:08

BloodAndFire · 14/11/2022 12:02

Yeah. Just like it was 'hilarious' when he told the nurse that he didn't want a daughter. And the whole situation is 'hysterical'.

You actually think your mum cooking his dinner and serving it to him is some sort of hilarious triumph because she's making something he doesn't like. Fuck me.

Is your son not at home with you this week then?

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No it wasn’t funny when he told the nurse that, I left the room and walked around for 5 minutes fuming before returning. But I can’t be bothered wasting the energy on what he said. Hysterical in the sense that, he’s a fucking idiot. It’s not “funny” but it’s damn ridiculous. It’s a bitter laugh not a joyful laugh

OP posts:

BloodAndFire · 14/11/2022 12:09

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 12:08

No it wasn’t funny when he told the nurse that, I left the room and walked around for 5 minutes fuming before returning. But I can’t be bothered wasting the energy on what he said. Hysterical in the sense that, he’s a fucking idiot. It’s not “funny” but it’s damn ridiculous. It’s a bitter laugh not a joyful laugh

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None of it is funny in any sense at all. He should not be in your house. You should not be tidying up his fucking takeaway boxes. You have no perspective on this situation and you need to put your children first, yourself second, and him in the fucking bin.

Original poster

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 12:10

No my son isn’t at home this week

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BloodAndFire · 14/11/2022 12:11

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 12:10

No my son isn’t at home this week

Nor last week? Nor next week? Nor at any times when this man-baby is snoring, shitting, snorting, farting and complaining all over your house?

Dandyarseholes · 14/11/2022 12:15

This thread sounds more and more like steaming horseshit the longer it goes on...

Original poster

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 12:17

BloodAndFire · 14/11/2022 12:11

Nor last week? Nor next week? Nor at any times when this man-baby is snoring, shitting, snorting, farting and complaining all over your house?

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No and no and no.

They have not slept in the same house since he left. He has turned up on a weekend when my son is not here.

There was no exposure last week, there was no exposure when the accident happened, there is currently no exposure. His dad has two weeks annual leave which he is taking and DS is spending it at his house for various entirely unrelated reasons to this situation. Hence my two weeks and you’re back home.

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TiddlesTheTiger · 14/11/2022 12:34

You are not doing this man any favours by constantly babying him.
Think of that.

Also think of the restful time you could be having while your son's away - the sort of time a pregnant woman should have if she can, rather than get 'maternal' over a selfish man-child.

Hospitals & social services are well-used to making arrangements for patients who have no-one to look after them.
You didn't have to step in to save the NHS from this one man.

Get rid of him asap so that he has a chance to take responsibility for himself.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 14/11/2022 12:53

this is such a depressing read ! You were free from this man and now here you are back to square 1 :( honestly let him figure out another plan on where he can go to recover! you can block his number for a bit and cut off contact and leave him to it! none of this is your problem

Mulhollandmagoo · 14/11/2022 12:56

Hospitals & social services are well-used to making arrangements for patients who have no-one to look after them.
You didn't have to step in to save the NHS from this one man

This, this and this again! tell him he has to go! you and him are in a co-dependant relationship, you're not helping either him, nor yourself, or your children, your son is seeing this as how he should be treating women he is in relationships with.

This situation isn't funny, or hysterical, its dangerous and unhealthy. You need to arrange for him to be looked after elsewhere and get yourself some therapy to work on your boundaries - the man is sleeping in your bed for gods sake! you've got to see that what you're doing isn't right here.

Theunamedcat · 14/11/2022 13:08

Dandyarseholes · 14/11/2022 12:15

This thread sounds more and more like steaming horseshit the longer it goes on...

Indeed I mean plausible then yellow submarine territory

diddl · 14/11/2022 13:23

How marvellous that your ex has 2wk off when your should be ex needs 2 weeks r&r!

mrs55 · 14/11/2022 13:28

Op please cut yourself off from this man, he will never grow up if you continue to baby him or even be in contact with him as everyone else has said block him and concentrate on your own life instead of worrying about him …, I promise you he’s not worrying about you your baby your other child or your mental health.

Cherryblossoms85 · 14/11/2022 13:31

Well, long term you're better off without this man child acting the fool all the time! There I was thinking my DH was annoying...

emptythelitterbox · 14/11/2022 13:44

I don't even know why you keep posting on this thread.

This is a pathetic man child who never wants to grow up and you're his mummy.

The hospital could have made arrangements for him for care. He has family too but somehow he's ended up at your place again, with you caring for this pathetic louse.

It's your life and your DC life, so crack on with this dead weight.

Dandyarseholes · 14/11/2022 13:50

To keep the drama going..

BlodynGwyn · 14/11/2022 14:38

OP, I would do the same for someone who was injured and had no where else to go. Well done you.