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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Call the police or am I wasting police time

381 replies

GarlicCrackers · 20/08/2022 01:24

Partner went out on his motorbike to go to an open Mike night. Said he would be home at 11.

11.20 he messages to say sorry he didn’t realise the time he’d be home soon.

it’s now 1.20 and he isn’t answering his phone. Facebook messages show as not delivered, and when I ring his phone it either says this persons phone is switched off or it rings with no answer.

im sure he is fine and is having a good time but I’m pregnant and currently an insomniac, I’m worried. We live in York, I’m worried he has had an accident, or maybe he stupidly had a drink and then something happened on his motorbike.

Would I be wasting police time if I rang and asked if they’d had any reports? Do I just wait? I can’t sleep. We have dogs and they bark their heads off when he gets home so he knows it’s not on to come home really late as it wakes me up and I’m an irritable pregnant lady, I’m happy for him to stay out at a friends when he goes out to avoid that. But he’s not communicated anything

OP posts:
Original poster
GarlicCrackers · 20/08/2022 08:56

HappyHappyHermit · 20/08/2022 08:08

If he thinks a baby will mean his life is over why did he create one? He doesn't sound much cop to be fair op, you deserve to be treated better, he needs to be a man and step up.

Accident, he wanted to terminate I didn’t. I have a ten year old already, I considered terminating but couldn’t go through it so he said he’d do his best but he’s struggling. He really really doesn’t want it but also doesn’t want to abandon a child (fear of emulating his dad).

I personally think the weight hanging over my head of knowing he doesn’t want this is worse than just doing it on my own.

He does love me, he just doesn’t want “it”

OP posts:
Velvian · 20/08/2022 09:41

I think for the moment @GarlicCrackers, you need to relinquish responsibility for your DP and have a rethink once the baby arrives.

My DH is very similar when he is out drinking with friends and I have had a few nights like the one you have had.

DH goes out a lot less frequently now, but I've resigned myself to the fact that he probably won't be home until 4am even if he's said he'll be back at 9.30 and I can get to sleep OK when he's not back at the time he said.

If your DP gets himself into trouble when he's out, there will probably be someone nearby to assist. There is not much you can do about it.

For now, I would wash your hands of him and concentrate on yourself and your DC. See how he is once he becomes a parent and review.

Ladyof2022 · 20/08/2022 10:30

OP, your posts here reduced me to tears.

The way he treated you last night was appalling. I'm sorry but he's a selfish, uncaring, thoughtless pig. He's also a liar. He didn't come home at the agreed time, and when pub-closing time came, and he was invited to stay for a lock-in, he should have texted you to say so. Also, nobody is in a pub from 8pm to 2am and only has one drink. And why switch off his phone? What if you or your 10 yr old had an emergency?

Like others I also think there is a very good chance that, wanting to evade fatherhood and play-act at being single for the evening, he may have chatted someone up and then spent some hours with her, flirting, snogging or worse, gone back to hers. That would explain why he switched off the phone.

You are 100 percent in the right and he is 100 percent in the wrong and I am shocked that PP think his behaviour acceptable. If you have a 10 yr old you must be late 20s at the youngest and he's behaving like a reckless, uncaring, selfish teenager.

Being out three times in a week, leaving you alone at home, pregnant, is disgusting. But you say he loves you? Would you do that to one you love?

Longer term, the fact that he does not want the baby isn't going to go away (unless he does an about-turn when it's born and loves it). I feel very worried about what is going to happen and like someone else upthread wonder if you would be better without him, if he is going to give you no support or help and just give you one more child to worry about.

I just hope and pray he will (a) grow the fuck up at long last and (b) fall in love with HIS offspring once he sees it.

Best of luck, OP.

Angelinflipflops · 20/08/2022 10:33

Hes using the anniversary of his dad's death 10 years ago as a partial excuse for his twatty behaviour?

ClaudineClare · 20/08/2022 10:36

So he didn't want a baby, but presumably was not using condoms?

I would end it now tbh and save you both a lot of pain and aggravation.

Velvian · 20/08/2022 10:44

@Ladyof2022

Velvian · 20/08/2022 10:46

... Sorry posted too soon 😁

That seems a bit of an overreaction. I dont think there is any indication that this is to with infidelity. OP needs to focus on herself and her DC for a bit, not get drawn in to new unfounded concerns.

I really think she needs to worry about DP a lot less at the moment, not more.

Ladyof2022 · 20/08/2022 10:56

Velvian · 20/08/2022 10:46

... Sorry posted too soon 😁

That seems a bit of an overreaction. I dont think there is any indication that this is to with infidelity. OP needs to focus on herself and her DC for a bit, not get drawn in to new unfounded concerns.

I really think she needs to worry about DP a lot less at the moment, not more.

Yes, Velvian, I am in sympathy with your view on this and was in two minds whether to express that possibility.

But you have to admit, it IS a possibilty. Not saying full blown affair and that he went out to meet this person but he may have got chatting etc.

OP is an adult and it is one of the possibilities she needs to keep in the back of her mind, and file it away until or unless further evidence arises.

Daisy1992 · 20/08/2022 11:00

10 year anniversary of dad's death and you said you have a 10 year old, this pregnancy could be bringing back feelings from his dad's death... pressure of new baby when depressed is probably making him act this way. Hope you're ok OP, must be horrible for you in what should be a happy, exciting time x

drpet49 · 20/08/2022 16:53

@Ladyof2022 your post is so weird.

Mrsmch123 · 20/08/2022 16:59

Defo a waste of police time!
imagine if everyone who could not get in touch with a loved one called!
and after your last update i think you need to have a serious think about staying with him. He made his bed now he has to lie in it! He honestly doesn't sound like a nice guy at all!

MumofSpud · 20/08/2022 17:20

Band Practice?! You have a man child there but you know that already
I hate the phrase but you should be looking at getting all your ducks in a row
Good Luck!

Original poster
GarlicCrackers · 20/08/2022 18:29

MumofSpud · 20/08/2022 17:20

Band Practice?! You have a man child there but you know that already
I hate the phrase but you should be looking at getting all your ducks in a row
Good Luck!

I’m the one with the ducks, he has none.

I have a good job circa 40k, stable career. He is self employed and is awful at running his business and needs my help to get clients.

Well the good news is, he’s not my DP any longer. Talked at about 2pm and he confirmed he wants to move out as he doesn’t want to be a dad. I was upset, but I’m mostly upset that he’s taking one of the dogs. I was so worried last night and it turned out he just had no consideration so today I feel completely different and am just annoyed. Unfortunately he’s going to have to live in the spare room for a while.

OP posts:
MumofSpud · 20/08/2022 18:30

@GarlicCrackers So pleased for you - Nest of Luck with everything!FlowersStar

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 20/08/2022 18:39

Massive well done for asserting yourself OP and although I'm sure you're feeling all sorts of feelings right now, what you have done is ensure your child doesn't grow up in a toxic household.
I wish you all the very best for the future- you know we are all right here if you need to chat anything out or if you're finding things difficult.

MichelleScarn · 20/08/2022 18:52

Why does he have to live in the spare room? Don't to it to 'be nice' and because you feel sorry for him!

Original poster
GarlicCrackers · 20/08/2022 19:05

MichelleScarn · 20/08/2022 18:52

Why does he have to live in the spare room? Don't to it to 'be nice' and because you feel sorry for him!

He has nowhere to go, he has no funds to move. He will ask his sister for a loan to expedite. He’s on the tenancy so not as simple as chucking him out. However, I am due to move in 3
months anyway as buying a house - I’ll just be doing it without him.
money will be very tight for the next few months without his income, baked beans on toast! But once moved I will be fine.

using inheritance to purchase so no mortgage etc. would have been even more comfortable with his income. Mums said today she will come stay to help with the baby as long as needed, she’s selling her house to downsize so she can just stay with me. I’ll appreciate her help and company - we can watch Scandinavian crime
dramas together

funny how a little argument about showing some
consideration ended up resulting in “I don’t want to be a dad, you should have terminated but you didn’t so these are the consequences”

OP posts:
litlealligator · 20/08/2022 19:24

I'm so sorry OP that's awful. It does sound like you will be better off without him. I hope you can enjoy your new home and make it a lovely haven for your family

UndertheCedartree · 20/08/2022 19:27

Badgirlriri · 20/08/2022 07:22

i can understand your worry but ultimately, imagine if you’d stayed out with your friends and because you wasn’t home by 1/2am-ish, your partner then phoned the POLICE on you. I think you’d be quite angry too. I know I would be.

Angry?? That someone was concerned about you? I find that a really weird response. It's not like you'll be in trouble with them. And she was only worried because he said he would be home at 11 and he wasn't. I mean stay out til 1-2am if you like, but at least stay in touch - it's not hard.

Oysterbabe · 20/08/2022 19:31

There's a lot of talk of his dad in your few posts. His dad abandoned him and died and he has issues because of it. He could do with some therapy, but it's not your problem any more.

PuzzledObserver · 20/08/2022 19:42

funny how a little argument about showing some
consideration ended up resulting in “I don’t want to be a dad, you should have terminated but you didn’t so these are the consequences”

I’m sorry, OP, it’s rough that you’re going to have to raise this child on your own.

However, he is still your baby’s father. So in due course - you know - child maintenance.

SunnyD44 · 20/08/2022 20:14

Does he have any kids at all?

It sounds like he has many issues with his dad which is why he didn’t want this baby to begin with.

As it’s the anniversary of his dads death it sounds like it’s all got too much for him and he’s trying to push you away and thinks he can’t cope being a dad because of his dad or that his dad will never get to see the baby.
I have friends who’ve lost a parent and they’ve all said how horrible it is when they have their own children.

There was no need to have a curfew for what time he needed to be home, as an adult he can stay out until any time but if he gave a time then he should have absolutely let you know he was staying out later and not given a time when he’d be home.

I don’t think I’ve ever given a time that I’d be home because I know they’ll be worrying if I am late.

It’s very possible that once he’s had some time to think he’ll want to start things back up.
It will be completely your decision to make but if he never wanted a baby in the first place then I don’t think that resentment will ever fully go away.
You may be better staying separated.

You sound like a very strong person and I am amazed how calm and controlled you are being.

HappyHappyHermit · 20/08/2022 20:14

Well what a tough time for you op, but it seems you will be massively better without him. So fortunate that this happened before you bought a house with his name on it or anything. You and your little family can get on with it now. An absent father will be so much better than one who shows a child he or she isn't wanted and behaves dreadfully to his or her mum. Your story has touched me, you sound strong though and I wish you all the best for your future.

FlissyPaps · 20/08/2022 20:21

Just read all your posts OP, I hope you are okay❤

Incredibly sad that he doesn’t want to be a dad but from your descriptions of him, he doesn’t seem like he’s a very nice person and you & your DC will be much better without him and his negativity.

Ladyof2022 · 20/08/2022 20:58

Apparently someone thinks I'm "weird" for thinking he treated you appallingly!

Never mind!

Thank goodness you have your mum.

Everything will work out fine and you won't have him to worry about any more.