Call the police or am I wasting police time

[GarlicCrackers]

Partner went out on his motorbike to go to an open Mike night. Said he would be home at 11.

11.20 he messages to say sorry he didn’t realise the time he’d be home soon.

it’s now 1.20 and he isn’t answering his phone. Facebook messages show as not delivered, and when I ring his phone it either says this persons phone is switched off or it rings with no answer.

im sure he is fine and is having a good time but I’m pregnant and currently an insomniac, I’m worried. We live in York, I’m worried he has had an accident, or maybe he stupidly had a drink and then something happened on his motorbike.

Would I be wasting police time if I rang and asked if they’d had any reports? Do I just wait? I can’t sleep. We have dogs and they bark their heads off when he gets home so he knows it’s not on to come home really late as it wakes me up and I’m an irritable pregnant lady, I’m happy for him to stay out at a friends when he goes out to avoid that. But he’s not communicated anything

That isn't your problem. I can't believe you are smiling along with his appalling behaviour. He's a pisshead, cokehead, useless, borderline abusive misogynist, and you're running around after him instead of looking after yourself, your existing child and your unborn baby.

This is co-dependency.
High maintenance needy men attract women who put their owns needs aside.

He's deliberately played you by making sure there's a reason for you to worry about him.
This man is being treated like a baby by you and the sister who 'fronted' a year of rent for him.

He's treated you like shit, yet all you see is 'he's got no-one else but me'.
That's bullshit.
What you mean is 'it makes me feel very good to create a fantasy where I am his only rescuer and saviour. It gives me a feeling of control when I am needed by someone else.'

He got along without you before he met you. He'll get along absolutely fine without you.

Why can't he sell his bike and get a car?
Why can't he get a job that pays a regular wage?
Because he doesn't want to that's why.
The women in his life are enabling him.
His sister pays his rent. You are driving him everywhere so he doesn't need to pay for taxis.
Therefore he can keep his bike to pretend he's the rebel against jobs and mortgages.

He can't move in, my mother wouldn't let him.

His sister won't have him at hers whilst he recovers.

I don't need to feel needed at all, and am approaching this quite unemotionally. My reaction to all of this hasn't been oh my goodness you could have died and then who would I have but rather hes an idiot and if he has that little respect for his life, then nothing I could do is worth the effort. However, it really isn't that much effort for me to look after him for a couple of weeks. All he can do is lie still and watch TV. He can get to the bathroom with walking stick, he can't go out and buy a load of food and leave rubbish everywhere as he has no money. Its a case of, giving him his dinners and some snacks, giving him meds and leaving him to it. I have other things to do like work and clear out old house that take absolutle priority

But he had enough money to go out with his friends? Oh OP 🙁

You’re a mug OP and he’s using you.

What role model are you being for your 10 year old??

@GarlicCrackers

Or he’ll go out in my town and ride to me at 2am on his bike, get into bed and sleep all of the next day. Still doing some icing powder as I now like to call it.

this was before his accident. Nothing to do with mobility at all. Why did you think this was ok? To let a coked-up fuckwit into your bed and your child's home in the middle of the night? Why were you not telling him to fuck off back to the house his sister paid for?

Why are you making excuses for this POS?
Why are you pretending that you're so tough and over him when in reality he is walking all over you?

You're going to give the baby (that he doesn't want and wishes was a boy) his surname too, aren't you.

No fantasy, just some sympathy apparently still exists. I've driven him twice - once to hospital and once away. I either give him cash to get to sleep apnea clinic or take him there.

He had just started a job 4 days before his accident.

He's paid most of the upfront rent back to his sister has £1600 left of the original £6600.

He bikes because he doesn't have a driving licence, was able to get on a cbt course and is still waiting for a driving instructor to come available for driving.

Your emotional reaction is irrelevant to him. It literally makes no difference to him whatsoever. He is still getting exactly what he wants from you - whether you are pulling a :( or :) face while he gets it doesn’t matter one bit.

Interesting that his own flesh and blood won’t take him in but you will.

Why are you sharing a bed?

You’re in denial OP, everybody here is telling you what would be best for you and your family. You’re just covering your ears singing lalala. Please put yourself (and your child) first. He’ll be fine without you rescuing him.

What was the 'sympathy' for when you were letting him crash into your bed on drugs at 2am? Why are you so desperate to have this piece of crap in your life? What about your other child? They shouldn't be subjected to this either.

He's sleeping in your bed?
Nah, he's not an ex. You're still fully invested in him and his needs and his life.

It'll be worse when the baby gets here. He'll have anger and guilt and also say "but I love her" and you'll be consoling him and being all hands on caring partner to get him through his struggles.

You've already got a 10 year old. You're going to have a baby. But your life is about making sure he is OK. You sounded like you had your head screwed on and were self sufficient but here he is, back in your bed. What a shame.

Why have I tolerated this? Not entirely sure but I wouldn’t say I’ve tolerated it blindly. I appear to be more maternal than I thought
You're kidding yourself.
That's not being maternal, it's being The Rescuer in a codependent relationship.

and whilst he has annoyed me with his I know better attitude, I can also see he’s in quite a bit of pain and needs to up his antidepressants as well as start therapy. I’m not his mother or his keeper, but he doesn’t actually have anyone other than me.
He has his sister.
He has his bandmates.
But it's easier to lean on his mummy ...
You are selling yourself this notion of "not being his mummy or keeper" while ... acting as his mummy & keeper.
Why?

There is no forgiveness, I just know if left to his own devices in this state he may either consider ending his life or he will injure himself further.
OK.
You reckon he'll be on the mend in a couple of weeks. I reckon he may or may not be, & either way, he is going to ensure that he continues cocklodging in your clean & comfy home for as long as he can spin it out. I bet he'll still be there when you're about to give birth.
Then he will want to stay "to help with the baby". He may even pretend to love the baby, to keep his feet under your table.
And when you have had enough again because you finally realise what a user he is, he will manufacture another crisis. Guaranteed - it's a standard tactic used by Hooverers & parasites everywhere. Including the vague threats of suicide to keep you in line.

No money. Literally £0
😂😂😂
Bullshit. He's able to get his hands on enough money to enable his drinking & coke habit.

This man is never going to stand on his own two feet.
You are doing yourself no favours making yourself his martyr.
Is your mum still living with you? Why should SHE have to share a roof with this waster?
When you finally see the light - (if you ever do - I can see you continuing to carry this man through his disasters & addictions & allowing him to blight your child's life) - he will move in on the next willing "maternal" woman.
You have a child to be maternal to. You don't need to waste it looking out for a man who threatens self-harm to manipulate you into providing for him.

I'm not actually lighthearted about it, but I've had 3 days of seething before deciding its not worth the emotional energy. I'm not even seething at the inconvenience just that he's stupid, and I cannot stand stupidity. I cannot stand people telling him that he's going to end up hurting himself, and he ignores it because he knows best. And then he does hurt himself and he says we were right. It's absolutely maddening.

I do not have one ounce left of romantic love left.

BUT yes, I do have a massive tolerance for bullshit. And I also was a complete twat once upon a time and was treated with love and sympathy. What he is getting from me is two weeks to get on the healing path and then he can go back home and deal with the rest himself.

That is it. There is nothing else. We shared a bed last night as I moved a house a week ago and the folding bed is buried under boxes but it will be dug out today.

I will not do anything else, he is not moving back in. He is not fit to be a parent and no She won't be exposed to it. This is just charity and I am entitled to give that charity to whom ever I wish to. Just so happens I'm giving it to someone who is unlikely to actually present from him but you don't give charity and expect anything back.

No idea what I was typing in that last sentence

Oh op, what are you doing! You were doing so well, and now you are letting the twat stay with you? Get rid - you won’t truly move on until you do.

He doesn't pay for drinks or coke. He's given drinks by punters when he's running karaoke, same with coke. He's used the £70 a week from running karaoke to buy takeaways. Which is why as of today he has £0.

There's no justification, I'm explaining. He hasn't worked for two months, started a job last week.

Why are you pretending that you're so tough and over him when in reality he is walking all over you?
It's bewildering OP - the cognitive dissonance you have about this appalling man.

It'll be worse when the baby gets here. He'll have anger and guilt and also say "but I love her" and you'll be consoling him and being all hands on caring partner to get him through his struggles.
He will 100% weaponise the baby. Not so he can have access to her - so he can keep having access to YOU.

You've already got a 10 year old.
OMG I had forgotten this. OP you so rarely mention this child, does s/he live with you full time?
Why on earth are you exposing them to this shithead?
Every ounce of attention you waste on your NotSoEx is an ounce of attention being taken away from your child. From your pregnancy, from your mum & friends & job.

He doesn't pay for drinks or coke. He's given drinks by punters when he's running karaoke, same with coke. He's used the £70 a week from running karaoke to buy takeaways. Which is why as of today he has £0.

Oh THAT's all ok then! 😂😂
It's fine to have an alcoholic cokehead around your kid so long as he's not paying for his own poison.

And I'm sure every word he tells you about his money is true ...

Apologies to be so very blunt OP. It's frustrating watching you throw yourself away over this man, all the while telling yourself "it's only for two weeks".

It's only two weeks THIS time.
He'll come up with a new ruse to keep you hooked into Rescuing him.

You are so bright & capable.
WHY are you lowering yourself?

What a baffling update. I’d have kept it to yourself.

Far too much drama going on here!

This is staggering.

This isnt just 2 weeks. You let him into your home to sleep after nights out every week. Despite being separated.

You're saying your daughter wont be exposed to this... but your current child is being exposed to this. Your current child had a drunk and drug addict crashing into their home at 2am each week, possibly to sleep with mum, despite the relationship being over. And now the man is living in their new home and sleeping in bed with mum.

Your life is spiralling. It is a mess. Has been a mess since this man said he was leaving. You keep letting him back in to stay and now you're looking after him and you're not fooling anyone; this wont be just 2 weeks.

Bet he's still there in the new year, he'll lay it on thick about being alone at Xmas and struggling
You need to put your foot down, if he has no money, that's not your problem.
Get him out and get your new home ready for your new babies arrival.
Get a claim in with CMS and enjoy your new life

“I cannot stand people telling him that he's going to end up hurting himself, and he ignores it because he knows best. And then he does hurt himself and he says we were right. It's absolutely maddening.”

Can you not see that this is exactly what you are doing yourself?

You have so many excuses and explanation and justifications (including the justification that it’s nothing but charity) when there really isn’t even one. You clearly don’t want to see it though and are comfortable with the situation you are in so I will personally say no more as I am loathe to upset a heavily pregnant woman (unlike your ex).

This man is no longer your problem - your children are. I'm sorry to be blunt but you're the direct opposite of the strong take no shit woman you're portraying yourself as.

You're taking all the shit. all of it. mugged off royally.

Boot him out. Shut the door. Focus on two DDs.

Or keep going as you are because you low key love the drama - you do you.