Call the police or am I wasting police time

[GarlicCrackers]

Partner went out on his motorbike to go to an open Mike night. Said he would be home at 11.

11.20 he messages to say sorry he didn’t realise the time he’d be home soon.

it’s now 1.20 and he isn’t answering his phone. Facebook messages show as not delivered, and when I ring his phone it either says this persons phone is switched off or it rings with no answer.

im sure he is fine and is having a good time but I’m pregnant and currently an insomniac, I’m worried. We live in York, I’m worried he has had an accident, or maybe he stupidly had a drink and then something happened on his motorbike.

Would I be wasting police time if I rang and asked if they’d had any reports? Do I just wait? I can’t sleep. We have dogs and they bark their heads off when he gets home so he knows it’s not on to come home really late as it wakes me up and I’m an irritable pregnant lady, I’m happy for him to stay out at a friends when he goes out to avoid that. But he’s not communicated anything

Nonsense is he given coke for free, have you seen the price of it these days?!

He's wormed his way back in. You need to be honest with yourself.

The comment on the hospital about living the baby was just to reel you back in. Or to not look like a heartless bastard to the nurse.

He will never be the partner of the dad you want him to be. You're not his mother. Let him look after himself and deal with the consequences of his actions.

I can't believe he is back in your bed.

I'm so sorry you've not got clear of this horrible man.
Please take care of yourself and your children, and make him take responsibility for himself.

P.s.
Are you going to volunteer to take other patients into your home, from hospital, because you want to save the NHS from bed-blockers?

It's hard not to disagree with this op however harsh it is

Oh he’s going back home once he has any mobility, no question about it.
Oh ok sure of course he will 😂😂😂😂

Oh op, you sounded so switched on and together, now you sound as big of an idiot as him. If there weren’t children involved I’d say you deserve each other but these children deserve way more than a cokes up alcoholic drink driving narcissistic but carry on. I wonder what the updates will be like when he’s “fixed” and you have the baby. So sad.

You are far too kind. If you hadn't taken him in the hospital would have had to find somewhere else for him go.

You need our sympathy and you need counselling.

Because this is a dynamic that you cannot see and it'll keep happening again with other men until you recognise your own part in keeping the pattern going.

No matter what we say you just keep dismissing his bad behaviour because the dynamic only makes you see the 'child' part of him.

What is your mother saying?

The Facebook post - Hé looks like a total moron. Not embarrassing for you, apart from making your mates wonder WTF you ever saw in him.

@GarlicCrackers What he is getting from me is two weeks to get on the healing path and then he can go back home and deal with the rest himself.
That is it. There is nothing else. We shared a bed last night as I moved a house a week ago and the folding bed is buried under boxes but it will be dug out today.

That is bollocks. You said yourself he was regularly coming back to your house for months, at 2am on coke and drunk, while you are pregnant and with an existing child in the house, BEFORE he had this accident.

I don't believe you can possibly be naive enough to buy the laughable bullshit about the coke and booze being given to him for free.

For clarity, I’m completely fine, this whole situation is hysterical

You're not, and it isn't. You never mention your older child, what are they doing with all this going on around them?

Ah, OP. Hugs. This is so hard. Some of these responses seem a bit harsh but please take as most of them seem intended -- to help give you outside perspective.

Sometimes you are so deep into your own situation it is really hard to see it for what it is. As others have said, he is now having his cake and eating it too. At the moment he is able to go out whenever and for as long as he likes, do what he wants with whom he wants, but still come back to you for looking after and support. You are getting nothing positive out of this, and in the process your children are being exposed to someone who is unstable and abusing substances.

You've said you worry that he might harm himself without your support. Has he told you this? It is a common tactic used to manipulate partners by emotional abusers. I struggled with this in a relationship once and did the same -- carried on with some level of contact for quite a while after because I thought for sure I was the only person who understood and he had very significant mental health issues. It took me a long time to realise that nothing I did would solve these problems for him and if he did harm himself it would have nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own mental health difficulties which were not my fault. Please hear this. His mental health difficulties are not your fault. You cannot make them go away regardless of what you do. You doing things like paying for his taxis or putting him up are not keeping him safe or having any positive impact on his mental health anyway. The only thing that will help is effective treatment for his condition, and it doesn't seem like he is seeking this which is his own choice and again not your responsibility.

My ex never did harm himself by the way. I realised much later it was just a manipulation tactic. He continued to email me threats of self harm for years after we went no contact.

You deserve peace and stability, as do your children, which is not happening with him frequently in and out of your home and lives. I know it's sometimes so hard to know where that line is, and complicated by the pregnancy. Hugs and hope that you are able to find a better balance that puts the needs of you and your children first.

Sorry OP but you’ve been a fool to allow this, and you’re setting a terrible example to your 10 year old. Sharing a bed- how confusing for her.
I hope you gain the emotional strength to kick him to the kerb where he belongs.

Oh @GarlicCrackers when I first read this thread I thought you were so strong and your child was lucky to have at least one parent who knew what’s what.

now you know you have a daughter, surely you realise the example you’re going to be setting for her in rescuing this pathetic fool is setting her up for a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships?

Also -- I found therapy extremely helpful when I was in a relationship like this. It was the only thing that gave me clarity to see it for what it was. I was exactly the same, thinking I was just being helpful and that it was fine and I'd be able to stay emotionally detached.

I know the nhs mental health services are not always easy to access but depending on where you are you may be prioritised because you are pregnant. It would be worth talking to your GP. I know you will think you don't need it but when I was in a similar situation it really saved me. I didn't know how badly I'd needed it until I got it.

What if the situation were reversed and you were bedridden after an accident - would he step up and look after you? …Not before Hell freezes over!!

i can’t see him transporting a baby on a bike when he does recover. He’ll be having contact with the baby at yours (well your Mums) while you cook him meals and do his washing as “he can’t possibly look after himself”.

To answer some questions.

My son is not here when he has arrived at 2am. He is at his dads for the weekend. There is no crossover.

He had stopped turning up coked up, it started again recently.

He has never said, I’ll kill myself if you don’t help me. He has had breakdowns crying and has said he doesn’t want to go on. I won’t go into the detail of those breakdowns but they have been significant.

I have deduced he is potentially suicidal because the day after his accident, I found he had dispensed all of his pills into a mug and he got very upset that I had seen them but told me he was bored.

I have already contacted his doctor to ask them to up his antidepressants and for them to arrange the crisis team to get involved so I don’t have to shoulder the burden.

I do not have a problem with responses feeling strongly about me being “taken for a ride” but some of the language isn’t necessary and is unkind. I have chosen to be kind to someone, whether we have a history or not it doesn’t matter to me. I had problems with drugs before my son was born, I was in 60k of debt by the time I was in my mid twenties. I have compassion and I won’t be criticised for it.

We shared a bed last night with a pillow between us, I made sure he was comfortable and I was too tired to find the fold out bed. Tonight he will be in the conservatory with a heater and the bed.

Whether he’s an addict or a bad person - he does need some help and I can give him a small amount of that without it impacting me that much. If everyone had turned their backs on me at my lowest moment 13 years ago, I would be dead.

If he doesn’t learn from this, if breaking his back isn’t enough to say “I have to change” then I am 100% aware that nothing will. I’m not being a martyr, he deserves some compassion despite how much of a massive willy he has been. My compassion isn’t endless.

This ⬆

He is being forced into parenthood. He obviously isnt ready.

Pretty much the only sure fire way to guarantee no pregnancy is to be celibate. He wanted sex, he has to accept that a baby may result.

People talk about abortion as though it was like getting a hair cut - it's not. Physically, psychologically and emotionally it is a huge thing for any woman. She isn't "trapping" him into fatherhood - he did that himself when they had sex.

And OP - seriously consider pursuing maintenance. You may be financially stable now, but no-one knows what the future may bring. It may also be that being forced to be at least financially responsible for his child will make him be more careful regarding the next woman he goes to bed with.

I honestly don't know if he's a bad man, but he is certainly a selfish and immature one.

FWIW, I get why you would look after him in the circumstances OP. I also have complete faith in you to kick him out the second he's kickable!

I take my hat off for you for building yourself up from rock-bottom 13 years ago, but please don’t allow him to negatively impact you and your family.

Well, that will be my next update!

if he doesn’t leave sooner that is. He hates vegetables and mums already planning his vegetarian dinner for tonight. Sick woman I tell you….

If I was on the pill and it didn't work (which is very rare if taken as it should be, and not being ill etc), and my DP didn't want a child I'd opt for termination.

Very easy to say when you aren't in that situation @marvellousindeed

IRL there are so many emotions involved - including the ones Mother Nature throws at you when your whole instinct is to protect the baby growing inside you.

It's rarely a straightforward decision for most women.

You're a former addict? And you got into a relationship with a man using drugs? Whilst you had a child?

I used to work with addicts. That's a top rule; dont get involve with other drug users.

What are you doing? You got into a relationship with a drug user, moved him in and got pregnant. Now you're having a baby and he left you, but you're still falling over yourself to help him and he is living with you for the moment. He was coming over to stay every week whilst drunk and high.

Stop kidding yourself. This wont stop once his back is better.

You've got yourself an addiction to him and the drama and the idea of being needed. Get yourself therapy.

Wow, OP, you and your mum are so hardcore and kick-ass! You're serving vegetables to a man who doesn't like vegetables! While putting him up for free in your house, driving him to his appointments, giving him cash, letting him sleep in your bed, taking him to hospital, letting him in at 2am on drugs, and serving all his meals for free.

But wow. Vegetables. That'll really put him in his place.

He has never said, I’ll kill myself if you don’t help me. He has had breakdowns crying and has said he doesn’t want to go on. I won’t go into the detail of those breakdowns but they have been significant.

I have deduced he is potentially suicidal because the day after his accident, I found he had dispensed all of his pills into a mug and he got very upset that I had seen them but told me he was bored.
Come on OP. You are brighter than this.
He hasn't used the ultimatum-delivering words plainly, but he makes damn sure you get to see his manipulative display of suicidal ideation.

I have already contacted his doctor to ask them to up his antidepressants and for them to arrange the crisis team to get involved so I don’t have to shoulder the burden.
You are still mummying him!
How are you able to discuss his MH with his GP, let alone order a changed prescription?
Can he not use a telephone himself?
Has he taken a single solitary step toward managing his own symptoms since you became pregnant?

I do not have a problem with responses feeling strongly about me being “taken for a ride” but some of the language isn’t necessary and is unkind.
I am very sorry if my bluntness crossed the line into harshness OP, & apologise for any upset I may have caused you.
It is because I have been where you are, & watching you accept this man back into your life is upsetting. NOTHING you can do for him will ever be enough. He will ALWAYS manufacture some crisis which, bizarrely, only YOU can save him from. He will only get sober, straight, into work, & deal with his MH issues when HE wants to. You can want it as hard as you like - your input won't change the outcome. All it is doing is delaying the inevitable. Until he hits what HE sees as rock bottom, he will carry on living off your back, because he has shown no intention of wanting to heal himself. He'd rather leech off you.

Just this: you are an amazing fabulous woman. X

Well, that will be my next update!

if he doesn’t leave sooner that is. He hates vegetables and mums already planning his vegetarian dinner for tonight. Sick woman I tell you….

😂😂😂
Yay, OP's mum!
Have these with dinner