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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Call the police or am I wasting police time

381 replies

GarlicCrackers · 20/08/2022 01:24

Partner went out on his motorbike to go to an open Mike night. Said he would be home at 11.

11.20 he messages to say sorry he didn’t realise the time he’d be home soon.

it’s now 1.20 and he isn’t answering his phone. Facebook messages show as not delivered, and when I ring his phone it either says this persons phone is switched off or it rings with no answer.

im sure he is fine and is having a good time but I’m pregnant and currently an insomniac, I’m worried. We live in York, I’m worried he has had an accident, or maybe he stupidly had a drink and then something happened on his motorbike.

Would I be wasting police time if I rang and asked if they’d had any reports? Do I just wait? I can’t sleep. We have dogs and they bark their heads off when he gets home so he knows it’s not on to come home really late as it wakes me up and I’m an irritable pregnant lady, I’m happy for him to stay out at a friends when he goes out to avoid that. But he’s not communicated anything

OP posts:
GarlicCrackers · 08/09/2022 19:11

I am pleased to announce that Baby Walnut is a girl. Private gender scan today

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/09/2022 19:37

GarlicCrackers · 08/09/2022 19:11

I am pleased to announce that Baby Walnut is a girl. Private gender scan today

Awwwww so happy for you.

Zebracat · 08/09/2022 20:06

A l baby girl. How lovely. Hope youre doing ok @GarlicCrackers

GarlicCrackers · 08/09/2022 20:46

Yes I’m fine, I have low moments but mum arrived yesterday so I have essentially spent most of my time resting whilst she sorts out the pig sty. Discovered i amvery anaemic which may be why I’m very tired. Mum greatly enjoyed todays scan although I think it’s because He doesn’t want a girl so she’s glad baby is….

OP posts:
Zebracat · 08/09/2022 23:44

life must be pretty tough right now. Anaemia is exhausting. Eat well! Dont do any more running round after the twonk.

IrishladyNE · 09/09/2022 06:23

GarlicCrackers · 08/09/2022 20:46

Yes I’m fine, I have low moments but mum arrived yesterday so I have essentially spent most of my time resting whilst she sorts out the pig sty. Discovered i amvery anaemic which may be why I’m very tired. Mum greatly enjoyed todays scan although I think it’s because He doesn’t want a girl so she’s glad baby is….

I found being a single mother hard at first but think that was just because I was very stressed about the break up. Now I love it, we have a great time. At first I felt a little envious of my friends who had partners to help but not now. I have a busy life but I don’t mind that. The only thing I struggle with now is if i am sick but that gets easier as she gets more independent.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/09/2022 22:33

🌸

HazelBite · 01/10/2022 09:26

How are you doing op?

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 06:07

UPDATE:

I know you all love an update.

I am 28 weeks pregnant. He moved out end of August. We sort of hobbled along as I was curious to see if moving out might be a catalyst for change and personal growth. Found the last couple of months stressful, won’t hear from him because he’s been out 3 nights in a row in his new town. Or he’ll go out in my town and ride to me at 2am on his bike, get into bed and sleep all of the next day. Still doing some icing powder as I now like to call it.

Why have I tolerated this? Not entirely sure but I wouldn’t say I’ve tolerated it blindly. I appear to be more maternal than I thought and whilst he has annoyed me with his I know better attitude, I can also see he’s in quite a bit of pain and needs to up his antidepressants as well as start therapy. I’m not his mother or his keeper, but he doesn’t actually have anyone other than me. Maybe I’ve switched off or am just not bothered by what he does in the sense that it’s not upsetting me but I’ve just been making sure he he takes his meds and sees the doctor regularly.

HOWEVER, if you remember in my first post I was worried that when he disappeared for a few hours he had potentially had an accident which is why I checked in with the police. I was worried he’d had too much to drink and lost control of his bike.

Guess who smashed into a big black metal fence at 50mph going round a corner last week? Not intoxicated I might add but had had 2 beers which reduces reaction time and despite him saying 2 beers is fine, clearly fucking isn’t when you combine it with driving in the pitch black on a country lane at 3am

Guess who has broken his back and spent 8 hours in a neck brace in A&E. Guess who spent 4 days on a ward with very old sickly men, panicking because he has PTSD from watching his parents die in hospital.

Guess who could have died, or severed his spinal column and been left paralysed.

He is a fucking idiot. Oh and wouldn’t you know, he wasn’t allowed home unless he had someone who can care for him for two weeks. I’m still moving house, I have 5 days left to empty the rest, clean and paint. The painting he was supposed to be doing to say sorry for “abandoning me”.

and I quote “I think I’ve learned my lesson now”

sure buddy sure.

couldn’t make it up.

one last hilarious tidbit. Nurse asked how many weeks pregnant I am, I said 28. She asked what are you hoping for, the dickhead who walked out on me said “I was hoping for a boy, but it’s a girl. I’ll love her just the same”

my head snapped round so quickly I think we both have whiplash

OP posts:
GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 06:09

For clarity, I’m completely fine, this whole situation is hysterical

OP posts:
serenaisaknobhead · 14/11/2022 06:18

Bloody hell.

So are you going to be caring for him?

ConnieTucker · 14/11/2022 06:34

you're not fine.

life with this guy and a newborn are going to be incredibly hard. He reckless and a danger to himself. He isnt suddenly going to become dad of the year.

youre an absolute mug having him move back in with you. He doesnt give a shit about you and actively tried to persuade you to abort along with now saying shitty comments about her being a girl. He would not do the same for you. He doesnt have the capacity to do the same for you.

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 06:35

serenaisaknobhead · 14/11/2022 06:18

Bloody hell.

So are you going to be caring for him?

He has no one else and it’s not like the NHS can. I’m not sure if they can force someone to be discharged but I’d rather they didn’t have a bed hogger.

Im awake because he’s flat on his back snoring like a bastard diesel tractor engine and earplugs and rain sounds are not blocking him out one iota. Can’t be bothered to drag myself to the sofa. Better earplugs need purchasing, just need to find a Bodycare shop.

can’t even smack him to shut him up because he’s so physically broken. They think he’s lost an inch in height.

ive been whispering profanities at him for a while. Every now and then he stops breathing (sleep apnea) and I worry he has heard me but then he snorts and resumes his maddening trumpet call

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 14/11/2022 06:39

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 06:35

He has no one else and it’s not like the NHS can. I’m not sure if they can force someone to be discharged but I’d rather they didn’t have a bed hogger.

Im awake because he’s flat on his back snoring like a bastard diesel tractor engine and earplugs and rain sounds are not blocking him out one iota. Can’t be bothered to drag myself to the sofa. Better earplugs need purchasing, just need to find a Bodycare shop.

can’t even smack him to shut him up because he’s so physically broken. They think he’s lost an inch in height.

ive been whispering profanities at him for a while. Every now and then he stops breathing (sleep apnea) and I worry he has heard me but then he snorts and resumes his maddening trumpet call

Did he ever have his sleep apnea appointment?

you will not get rid of him. You did have a choice. Be is your bloody ex ffs! You are actively choosing to make you life significantly harder, while 7 months pregnant, with a selfish arsehole.

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 06:39

ConnieTucker · 14/11/2022 06:34

you're not fine.

life with this guy and a newborn are going to be incredibly hard. He reckless and a danger to himself. He isnt suddenly going to become dad of the year.

youre an absolute mug having him move back in with you. He doesnt give a shit about you and actively tried to persuade you to abort along with now saying shitty comments about her being a girl. He would not do the same for you. He doesnt have the capacity to do the same for you.

Oh he’s going back home once he has any mobility, no question about it.

There is no forgiveness, I just know if left to his own devices in this state he may either consider ending his life or he will injure himself further. Once he is out of the woods, he’s back off to his already disgusting home. Which is not safe for him to be in, he’d trip over one of the multiple old takeaway boxes.

My best friend is my birth partner, I’ve removed him as a beneficiary from my pension. This is about getting him back to some mobility because he has no one else.

OP posts:
GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 06:40

ConnieTucker · 14/11/2022 06:39

Did he ever have his sleep apnea appointment?

you will not get rid of him. You did have a choice. Be is your bloody ex ffs! You are actively choosing to make you life significantly harder, while 7 months pregnant, with a selfish arsehole.

21st November, doubt he can attend now. He’d need me to take him……

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 14/11/2022 06:46

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 06:40

21st November, doubt he can attend now. He’d need me to take him……

Has he informed them he cannot physically make the appointment? There might be an alternative. Although im going to assume no as he is incompetent.

have you given him an end date for being out of your house?

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 06:49

ConnieTucker · 14/11/2022 06:46

Has he informed them he cannot physically make the appointment? There might be an alternative. Although im going to assume no as he is incompetent.

have you given him an end date for being out of your house?

I’m taking him back in two weeks as hospital physio said he should be able to look after himself albeit slowly and carefully. He’ll probably inform me he needs time on his own before then anyway, I live with mum now so he has less privacy. Whoopdefucking do, don’t ride your bike at 3am then

no, he hasn’t but i need to locate the letter. Think it’s at old house still.

OP posts:
JudgeRindersMinder · 14/11/2022 07:06

GarlicCrackers · 14/11/2022 06:40

21st November, doubt he can attend now. He’d need me to take him……

Why can’t he get a taxi?

Flowersintheattic57 · 14/11/2022 07:15

Just because a relationship has ended doesn’t mean there are no feelings left except bad ones.In the long term and the bigger picture you will probably not regret helping him out. He will be back in his pit before the baby is born and that’s the Important thing.

Flowersintheattic57 · 14/11/2022 07:17

Some people don’t cope very well with life. It doesn’t mean that you are obliged for ever to look after them, and I do think you are being extraordinarily kind in the circumstances.

Softplayhooray · 14/11/2022 07:28

Please leave him to his own devices OP. You have a baby on the way and dealing with him as the huge emotional vacuum that he is alongside a newborn could completely break you.

I remember having a boyfriend very similar and we split but I felt responsible for him. It really almost broke me helping him (after I'd ended the romance but was there for him as someone that cared, and didn't want to see him get to a very dark place). Sounds like you have my exact mindset back then. With hindsight, yes I did help him but people like him will have these problems forever, and will take everything from the person helping them, which is dangerous for the mental health of that person. Let someone else take your place. He will find someone.

You have a newborn soon to arrive and your ex will take every ounce of care, love, conscientious, self care, thought, attention, etc that should be going to your newborn. Believe me, it's exactly what will happen. He's an attention vampire apart from everything else. He's not your problem, he's not your responsibility and if he has nowhere to go well he's a bloody adult and he can and will find somewhere. Your baby needs you to be mentally and physically healthy and you won't be if you stay in this utterly toxic, damaging, awful situation.

Name99 · 14/11/2022 07:40

I've got a feeling that he is going to be under your feet for a while, you're going to end up caring for him with a newborn baby and your other child.
He is not your problem, if he had had no one to care for him after discharge from the hospital, social services and the NHS would have come up with something.
He is not your problem.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/11/2022 07:49

He’s not actually your ex at all, it seems. You are still so, so invested in him despite the way he’s treated you, and caring for him after his accident - nah. You say “he has no one else” - well, a couple of months ago he had a sister who put up a year’s rent up front for him, so where’s she gone?

It seems to me that some part of you likes the fact that he needs you and that you can prove to him what an idiot he’s been by caring for him so nobly now. Before you know it, he’ll have moved back in and in a couple of years’ time you’ll be back on here saying what a deadweight he is ☹️

BorisJohnsonis · 14/11/2022 07:59

He’s having an affair if his fb friend does not exist!!