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CF have come to stay, how to handle it

1000 replies

SeriouslyLosingTheWill · 19/08/2022 14:42

Have name changed as this will be very outing.

DP asked if some relatives could come and stay for a few days. These are actually relatives of his ex wife, not blood relatives to him, but he knew them a good few years ago. We live in a holiday type area and have the room.

I didn't know much about them except they were late thirties/early forties, apparently lovely. And have had a hard couple of years as their 9yo dd has been quite ill, but is now in recovery and things are looking good.
So of course I said yes. Sounds like they have had a crap time and needed a bit of a break from it all. Said they were coming just the 2 of them, not bringing their dd.

They arrived 4 days ago. Haven't yet said when they are leaving.

The issue is they are incredibly entitled and I really really am beginning to not like them. They arrived with nothing - not a bottle of wine or a bunch of flowers. not that I expect anything but its etiquette surely to arrive with a gesture when you're staying in someones house for free. But that in itself wasn't an issue, just a little surprising.
They were all smiles and hugging DP, saying hi and basically ignored me for a good 10 minutes, just a little hello after that. No word of thanks for saying we could come or anything at this point either.
They haven't offered to buy any food. Me and DP are cooking for them. Haven't bought any drink, though they've been getting through ours very well.
Initially I thought maybe they are skint. Also on my mind was it must be awful having an ill child and they are perhaps still a bit stressed on this.

A few days in, it transpires that during the last 8 months they have been abroad on holiday twice (just them, not their dd), and a week away with their dd. So not short of holidays or 'breaks from it all'. Plus they are thinking of having their kitchen remodelled.
Still not massively friendly with me. But over the top with DP. Still no word of thanks for anything, not even after cooking a meal.
The wife also put baby wipes down the toilet when i'd specifcally said nothing in the toilet please as its a septic tank and anything other than normal toilet roll blocks it (only mentioend because we've learnt that every time after guests the thing blocks because they put sanitary towels, toilet wipes and god knows what down it, and it costs us to get it unblocked). Her reason was, she always uses babywipes on her face. Well ok, put them in the damn bin then.

Last night was almost my final straw. We went out to dinner. Their suggestion. I had a slightly more expensive starter than the rest of them (but wasn't drinking, so that should surely even out). By more expensive it was about £5 more.
When bill comes, DP said lets split down the middle (actually fully thinking they would say their treat for their stay so far) and they fussed about me having the more expensive starter but grudgingly agreed even though I hadn't had alcohol and both of them had.

I mean, seriously. £5 more, and we've fed them for 4 days, they've drank copious bottles of wine and beer while they've done sod all to help out - no offer to clear up or anything, or help fetch food or drink in. Literally nothing.

If they are so seriously short of money, then don't drive a 4 hour journey and invite yourself to someones house and freeload. Although a kitchen remodel isn't cheap.

I want them to leave. DP is also getting really pissed off with them. They clearly didn't need the break after their shit couple of years because they've been abroad more in last 8 months than we have in 4 years. Plus we are far from rich, we are literally scraping by most of the time. Feel like we've totally been taken advantage of.

I want to find out when they are leaving and I need to try and tell them in the nicest possible way to hurry up and bugger off.
So any ways I can word this, without looking like a total bitch?

OP posts:
WillYouDoTheFandango · 19/08/2022 14:45

Who cares if they think you’re a bitch? They’re freeloading cheeky fuckers who aren’t related to either of you.

Be as blunt as you like and ask them to leave.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 19/08/2022 14:47

Aren't you going away on Tuesday Op? Need to get things sorted so they need to leave Sunday pm at the latest.

tortiecat · 19/08/2022 14:48

This is horrendous and I am so sorry to hear that you and DP have been taken advantage of.

Would DP be on your side if you sat them down and gave them a factual summary of what you have written here - in particular you looking after them with no thanks in return, and the meal behaviour is just ridiculous. They are CFs of the highest order and I don't see why you should pussyfoot around the issue. They're not actual relatives, would you ever have to see them again?? Don't be walked on Flowers

Ihatethenewlook · 19/08/2022 14:48

I have no idea why anyone would agree to their partners exes family coming to stay. But as it is, your oh got you in this situation, and it’s up to him to get you out of it. It’s not hard to say ‘how long were you thinking of staying’ or ‘you’ll need to help out with the food costs from now on as we’re struggling atm’. Did you point out the alcohol and general costs thing when they were grumbling over the fiver?

DelurkingLawyer · 19/08/2022 14:51

If they had behaved like that in a restaurant after the several days of entitled behaviour you have had from them I’d have said “are you fucking kidding me after we fed and watered you for 4 days without any contribution whatsoever from you?”

As for getting them to leave, I would say this evening “right, we were only expecting you for a couple of days and we have plans from tomorrow so we will have to wave you off tomorrow morning.”

IglesiasPiggl · 19/08/2022 14:52

Never ever have anyone to stay, even close friends and family, without a leaving date set before they arrive! At this point, I think you need to invent a compelling reason for them to go - isn't your mum coming to stay and you need a day to turn the room round?

WallaceinAnderland · 19/08/2022 14:52

If people would only talk to each other, situations like this can be resolved easily. Why are you afraid to ask them to contribute, or tell them to leave?

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 19/08/2022 14:52

At this stage, and as they're not actual family, I wouldn't worry about being rude. And would tell them it's time to go.

ShirleyPhallus · 19/08/2022 14:52

I have no idea how people are such doormats that this happens in real life. Absolutely no way would I ever agree for someone to come and visit and not agree with them when they’re going home??!

Also if they turn up empty handed and then drink their way through your wine stocks you say “do you mind cooking tonight? I’ll drop you at the shop so you can pick up some bits, well need some more red wine so can you get some of that too?”

when they kicked up a fuss about the dinner bill I’d have said “oh silly me, my starter was more expensive so let’s all pay for what we’ve had” then totted up the total which would have given them more

but overall, stop being a doormat

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 19/08/2022 14:53

Also, do not feed them or supply them with any more alcohol!

Popsicle33 · 19/08/2022 14:55

Unbelievable. I honestly don't know how you've managed not to tell them to fuck off! You and your husband really need to find some backbone here. It's ridiculous.

SeriouslyLosingTheWill · 19/08/2022 14:55

I would be blunt and just tell them to leave and in all honesty i'm almost at that point. But from dp's point of view, they are sort of relatives as related to his DC and if I just think I asked them to go i'd look like the real bad guy, especially after their child has been ill. I'd come across as a heartless bitch. so need to do it in a way where they get the message loud and clear but I don't get painted as the villain.

But actually they have rarely mentioned their DD, except when i've asked after them. Its really weird.

yes at dinner I did say, well I didn't have alcohol. But apparantly the 2 shared bottles don't count, because it was 'shared'.

OP posts:
Wiglio · 19/08/2022 14:56

I wouldn’t ask them when they are leaving, I’d tell them🤣

RedHelenB · 19/08/2022 14:56

WallaceinAnderland · 19/08/2022 14:52

If people would only talk to each other, situations like this can be resolved easily. Why are you afraid to ask them to contribute, or tell them to leave?

This. Hate all the martyrdom. Just tell them what you want, they're not even your friends so no need to pussyfoot around.

Youdoyoutoday · 19/08/2022 14:57

Where is their DD whilst they are with you? I don't understand how your DP still considers them family either so straight away, I would have said no based on that.

However I would now tell them to leave, they've been rude, greedy and awful to you.

MajorCarolDanvers · 19/08/2022 14:57

After all that and as they are not really family then you really need to say something.

That is appalling behaviour.

Either that or leave MN open on your device in the middle of the room with this thread on it.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/08/2022 14:58

If your DP is not backing you up, then he can host/cater from now on. Stop being a doormant, you can't blame other people for your own decisions.

Youdoyoutoday · 19/08/2022 14:59

No point having sympathy for their kid when they've left her 3 times this year alone, she's obviously fine

10HailMarys · 19/08/2022 14:59

Christ, they sound awful. I mean, the fact that they haven't actually given you any indication of when they intend to leave is, in itself, total CFery, even without the rest of it.

Delphigirl · 19/08/2022 15:00

Just say to them “well it has been very nice to see you, what time are you leaving tomorrow? It needs to be before lunch”. Like it was arranged. If they say “we weee hoping to stay until Tuesday” or whatever, say “Oh, no that’s not possible! There must be some misunderstanding. We are terribly busy over the next few days. Shall we say breakfast at 9 and then off you go? We have to leave the house at 10.30 and need to lock up”.
thats it
If they try to argue, look at them as though they were mad and hold the line “No I’m afraid you must be gone by 10 tomorrow”.

SeriouslyLosingTheWill · 19/08/2022 15:01

They are currently sunbathing in the garden. I'm working from home. DP is out on a work appointment for the next couple of hours. No doubt they will expect dinner when i'm finished.

I know I sound like a total doormat. I just find it hard to be rude to people, or blunt, especially with the family connection to DC. But you're right. I will ask them later when they are leaving and I'll tell DP if they can't give a date within the next 2 days we will tell them to go.

I might also be so bold as to ask them to go to the shops for dinner supplies and alcohol as both me and DP are working. And not offer any money for it.

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 19/08/2022 15:02

You live and learn.
Piss takers will always take the piss.
Stop cooking for them and spend all your time in your bedroom.
(on mumsnet)
I really wouldn't be worried at coming across as rude, not after the behaviour about restaurant bill.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/08/2022 15:02

Don't let DP put the onus of getting shot of them on you. He knows them better, organised their accommodation and is pissed off with them too. Tell him you want them out, tomorrow. And that he's never to remotely suggest they come again.

Wallywobbles · 19/08/2022 15:02

Please nip out now and ask them to get food for dinner and cook it too.

AffIt · 19/08/2022 15:02

Wiglio · 19/08/2022 14:56

I wouldn’t ask them when they are leaving, I’d tell them🤣

This.

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