AIBU to be upset with DH over this?

[Rainflows]

DD is EBF and has an allergy so I’ve had to cut out a major food allergen from my diet. It can take weeks to leave my system so I can’t just pump and dump once after eating it.

Relatives are coming to see us today for a meal out on their way to see other relatives. They’re going through a rough time financially due to circumstances outside of their control and only told us this yesterday. There was a very clear expectation that we pay for the meal out because they can’t afford to contribute to it. They have previously paid for meals for us - they aren’t stingy or money-grabbing but their financial issue has left them with no access to funds.

The “en route” that we’re meeting them at is actually quite far from our house so we can’t just cook at ours because it’d be a big detour for them on an already long journey.

Our finances are fully and totally shared, but technically I’m bringing in slightly more than he is. Since I went onto maternity leave DH has been panicked to hell about money, even though I’m on full pay so we’re actually better off financially (due to reduced childcare costs for DS and no commuting costs for me). DH has said, since yesterday when we found out they need us to pay the full bill, that we can’t afford it. This involved going through all our bank statements etc (which showed that we’re actually fine financially) but he just won’t accept it. Our credit card is under but that’s purely because DDog needed an operation and we had to pay the vet upfront but the pet insurance takes six weeks to reimburse the cost back to us.

DH then remembered that we have a gift card for a nice chain restaurant that we could use. I initially agreed but, after looking at the menu, the only things I can eat that don’t contain the allergen are olives and hummus - none of the main dishes.

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available. None of us have had allergies, intolerances or special dietary requirements before so I’m not sure if I’m being precious but just having olives and hummus at a restaurant seems really shit. AIBU to think that we should just go to another restaurant and pay the bill?

When I was married to an abusive dick. I would have asked permission and not done anything without his say so. Because it made life easier.

otherwise he’d berate me and go on and make such a song and dance that it just was not worth going against him.

I earned more than him too. He singed off me for years.

OP speak to womens aid. And think about leaving him. Set up your own bank account and have your salary paid into it. Go to a solicitor find out your rights and the process to extricate yourself from this abusive controlling man.

any man who’ll pig out whilst expecting his one month post partum breastfeeding wife sits to do without is no kind of man. You don’t need to spend the rest of your life putting up with that kind of shit person in your life.

speak to womens aid. This will be just the tip of the iceberg.

I really think you need to stand up for yourself. You just didn't eat because he told you you weren't allowed to? I'd just keep saying "so you're happy to go out and me sit eating just olives and hummus while everyone else has full dinners? You're happy to do that?"

Most restaurants will have a gluten-free and vegan option - I've had a quick look on a couple of the main Italian chains and that seems to be the case - can you let us know which chain and whether there's anything else you can't/won't eat? Sometimes the chefs can be really helpful x

Your husbands behaviour is frankly bloody nasty and controlling. He clearly thinks it's acceptable to feed himself but leave you to go without at mealtimes. He is aware that in order to produce breast milk you're meant to eat properly?

You're bringing in more despite being on mat leave and he is controlling you financially. Even if you were on zero income on mat leave (me currently) he shouldn't be behaving like this. By contrast, my husband just lets me buy what I want (I'm nit going crazy) and doesn't say a word. Im not running everything past him but do him after the event.

It's unacceptable for a grown woman who earns her own money to be told by her DH that she is not allowed to order a takeaway.

She hasn't said he said she wasn't allowed, just that they couldn't afford it.

Also does he control other aspects of your life? Seriously, his behaviour is not normal and I'm actually appalled by what I've read. Please don't say he is a good dad, because good people don't behave like this. It isn't just about the meals, or lack thereof for you. It's about the control he is exerting in a horrible way.

You have a baby less than a month old and the medical profession has already diagnosed a dairy and gluten allergy. I'm guessing you're in the USA.

I'd stay home if as you say they prefer your DH. Citing some ailments

She said her DH claims they can't afford it but she has categorically stated that this is not the case. Same with the restaurant, he has told her it's "tough" and they are going to the restaurant they have the gift card for whether she likes it or not, even though she can't have a meal there. OP has been clear that money is not an issue and she is actually the higher earner yet he's controlling what they spend.

Your dh sounds an absolute selfish twat

Did he lock her in a room?

@neverbeenskiing I'd be interested to know how she responded to him saying they can't afford it. I don't think people should be shouting abuser without knowing.

me too @Topgub but - that’s me and my DH and you and yours. Our OHs would be off to the shops and cooking us something we wanted because they are not selfish/controlling/abusive.

Just going on the OPs posts it does feel like her DH is at the very least a selfish arse or at the very worst financially abusive.

Im sorry op but I know you just came on about this restaurant meal but now you have given another example of where your DH was so controlling he let you go without food on another occasion ( a breastfeeding mother fgs!) it feels like you are in a controlling relationship which could damage your and your dc health.

please have a think about what’s been said on here and talk to someone in real life if you can.

@girlmom21

Sje responded by sitting watching him cook and eat a meal he knew she couldn't eat. Knowing there was nothing else she could have

Either she's being abused, she's a complete door mat or it's all bull shit.

Yes I'm confused about this!
If you are in the UK how have you got a month old baby confirmed as dairy and gluten allergy?
Allergy mum here, EBF for almost 3 years while DC was tested....it takes forever to get past fussy baby, exclude milk for 6 weeks, then exclude soya for 6 weeks, then eggs for 6 weeks, then wheat.....then referral to dietician, then gastro, then scratch tests.....to do that by age 4 weeks 😯 defo not NHS!

Most Italian chains will do gluten free pasta or pizza and have vegan options for the dairy.

Presumably you or I would have said "don't be stupid, I'm ordering a Chinese. Do you want one or you sticking with your beans on toast?"

But yeah you're right - there's a multitude of options as to what could've happened.

If she was scared to argue that's very different to her just being placid.

@pictish

what a good girl you are!!

please realise not everyone wants to be such a self sacrificing martyr

You should just tell him you’re going to a restaurant where you can eat. He’s an idiot.

The bank/money story is ridiculous though. They can’t swan around making everyone else pay for things because of their situation. As a minimum, their daughter should be bailing them out to be paid back at a later date. Or they should be using a credit card/Monzo etc

I don't think any of what you have just described is acceptable. First of all, relatives call up out of the blue and pretty much tell you to pay for a meal for everyone as they're passing through and not only that but you're expected to foot this bill whilst eating nothing but hummus and olives? YANBU. DH is being very inconsiderate.

go out without him to meet your relatives

this is absolutely awful I have to say

You are breastfeeding you have to eat

He really sounds like he is turning abusive and controlling with money

First of all, your husband is a massive twat and you should seriously reconsider your relationship with someone who doesn’t care if you starve.

Secondly, what’s the chain? Most Italian chains have gluten free and vegan menus nowadays/can substitute pasta or pizza base for a gluten free equivalent. I’m dairy free and my family member is coeliac and we find Italian chains are generally quite good. Maybe call them to speak about what they can do for you?

Your DH is awful. Insist on going to a restaurant where you can eat.

But I agree with @MayThe4th and others who've made the same point: I can’t believe that there wasn’t a single other thing in the house the OP could eat. Nothing in the freezer? No tins of fruit, vegetables or soup? No nuts, crisps, gluten-free snacks or cereals? Not even a potato to chop into cubes and fry? OP if this is true, you can afford to stock up with some staple foods, so do it.

@pictish

youre in the minority. Most of us would want a nice meal if everyone else was having one

It really is time for you to tell your husband to shut the fuck up and stop being an arsehole. I'm beginning to wonder if this is nothing to do with him panicking over money (which you know is not actually a problem) and more to do with him enjoying having the power to control you.

Your "Hello Fresh" box left you with nothing to eat. NOTHING. "He said we couldn’t afford a takeaway and our local shop would’ve been closed by the time he got there (closes at 9 but won’t let anyone in after 8.45). So, he ate dinner and I didn’t." He waited until the all the takeaways had closed before apologising. Meanwhile - you had NOTHING to eat. He ate, knowing you had nothing to eat. But he ate.😡

And now, faced with only being able to eat olives and huumus at the restaurant he want to go to to save money, "DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available" - when you could have a decent meal at the original restaurant which you know you can afford. He would rather 'save' money that you don't actually need to save rather than you get to eat properly.But he'll get to eat properly.😡

You are breastfeeding. You need nutrition. He is being an arsehole. So you need to tell him 'No, that is not what we are doing, we are going to a restaurant that will serve food that I can eat. And from now on, if we are in a situation where I cannot eat, you, IN SOLIDARITY, will not be eating either you total arsewipe.'

Keep your eyes peeled for other examples of controlling or arsey behaviour from him. It is far from unknown for shit men to wear the mask of being-a-good-man until the woman is 'trapped' by having children to him. The mask often starts to slip in pregnancy. His behaviour is very suspect to me.

@Rainflows

i don’t really have much sympathy for you OP because you’re allowing it to happen.

y the fuck didn’t you just order yourself a takeaway?! Never mind asking him, consulting him you should have just done it