AIBU to be upset with DH over this?

[Rainflows]

DD is EBF and has an allergy so I’ve had to cut out a major food allergen from my diet. It can take weeks to leave my system so I can’t just pump and dump once after eating it.

Relatives are coming to see us today for a meal out on their way to see other relatives. They’re going through a rough time financially due to circumstances outside of their control and only told us this yesterday. There was a very clear expectation that we pay for the meal out because they can’t afford to contribute to it. They have previously paid for meals for us - they aren’t stingy or money-grabbing but their financial issue has left them with no access to funds.

The “en route” that we’re meeting them at is actually quite far from our house so we can’t just cook at ours because it’d be a big detour for them on an already long journey.

Our finances are fully and totally shared, but technically I’m bringing in slightly more than he is. Since I went onto maternity leave DH has been panicked to hell about money, even though I’m on full pay so we’re actually better off financially (due to reduced childcare costs for DS and no commuting costs for me). DH has said, since yesterday when we found out they need us to pay the full bill, that we can’t afford it. This involved going through all our bank statements etc (which showed that we’re actually fine financially) but he just won’t accept it. Our credit card is under but that’s purely because DDog needed an operation and we had to pay the vet upfront but the pet insurance takes six weeks to reimburse the cost back to us.

DH then remembered that we have a gift card for a nice chain restaurant that we could use. I initially agreed but, after looking at the menu, the only things I can eat that don’t contain the allergen are olives and hummus - none of the main dishes.

DH has pretty much said that it’s tough and it’s what we’re doing and that people with allergies eat what’s available. None of us have had allergies, intolerances or special dietary requirements before so I’m not sure if I’m being precious but just having olives and hummus at a restaurant seems really shit. AIBU to think that we should just go to another restaurant and pay the bill?

Although I think your DH was not very kind, I do think we need to understand what the allergies are and why there is nothing on the menu you could eat. What do you eat at home? I have ds with multiple allergies and we always find something he can eat when going out. Even if you just have olives, and salad that would be ok. If you are ebf then cutting out too much at once can be counter productive as you do not eliminate in the right way.

Ok having looked online the diagnosis of gluten allergies takes months, and this was a US clinic. In fact the diagnosis process starts with the mother having to eat gluten i their diet for 6 weeks.

Also,the OP said that gluten and dairy stays in her system for weeks. I don’t know about that but I find that hard to understand, if that’s the case then this means the OP’s baby has been diagnosed at days old?

It seems more likely that this is a fussy baby and that OP has self diagnosed. That doesn’t mean obviously that the baby doesn’t have allergies, but it’s not actually possible that the baby has been diagnosed with such allergies by a medical professional at just 4 weeks.

And that could explain the DH’s attitude if the OP is insisting on cutting food groups out based on her own feeling when actually she is required to eat those food groups so that allergies can be properly diagnosed.

You really don't understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship do you?

If you're not going to put you foot down with your DH - but, Jesus why? - refuse to go and send them the gift card or call the place and tell them to use the card for the meal?

"Dh, last week was the very last time that you will eat if I'm unable, it makes you look like a complete arse (mumsnet says so!)
So I suggest you find somewhere where I can eat, and you won't sulk about the price. Also I suggest contacting the Italian and asking them to extend our gift card as we won't be going until baby is x.
I know you understand that I'm not being fussy and that this is for the health of our baby. So I know I'll get more help in future"

Or take a picnic etc

It's shit - complain to the restaurant for being so rubbish for anyone with allergies (cmpa, soy and egg?)

I've been in your situation. I'm afraid this is really good training for when you are out with your child after weaning (presuming they retain your allergy). You'll get used to checking ahead, having safe restaurants etc. it's very tedious and makes life a bit frustrating. Sorry! Hope you're getting good support from your dr and a dietician. X

I'm coeliac so have to be super careful in restaurants due to the risk of cross contamination. Quite often, I can't be catered for. So, I always have snacks in my bag and will eat them if a restaurant can't cater for me (they're fine when I explain why, they know I'm not being a CF!). BUT I also always call ahead. As kitchens and chefs most often will do their best for me - it's surprising and heartening what they will do, given a bit of warning.

It's annoying but it is also just part of my life. I prefer to go out and be sociable (and have snacks on hand, or maybe just have the olive and hummus!), than stay at home because of the disease I have.

But - it's my choice to do so. Your DH leaving you starving is not OK. My DH would never, ever do that, and takes my lead when it comes to eating out. Anything else is beyond selfish and, frankly, cruel. There are times when I feel a bit hurt or a bit left out or even just a bit hungry, and having a supportive DH makes all the difference. I don't think his behaviour is at all OK; he should be putting you and your needs first, not least because you're doing it for your baby.

So you didn't have anything in your kitchen at all that didn't contain gluten or dairy other than the hello fresh food?
Re the meal phone first it's highly likely they can accommodate you. If not take your own cold food no restaurant that can't accommodate would have an issue with that at all.
And stop being a martyr.

What he is doing is awful and abusive. I know it's hard having a small baby but you are financially independent, leave. I can't believe a man could be so unkind to the mother of his child, it's truly awful.

It does sound like a good opportunity to use the gift card because it's not like you will be having date nights there in the future. As for him not cooking for you, why did you just sit there watching him eat? If your finances are joint, then you have access to money. Order something for yourself!

Does your DH not believe the allergies are real?

Some of you are angry that I have a different opinion but I find myself opting out of ordering a meal from an eatery reasonably often. I don't have an allergy but I do stick to a particular diet through choice. If other people want pub grub, pizza or Chinese say, I'll cheerfully join in with the outing by choosing a starter or side dish.
That's why I don't think it's a big deal. Add to that the lure of saving money and I'm fine with whatever.

I know new mums are somewhat exalted and romanticised on here but truly, she won't drop to the floor because she picks a side dish.
That is all.

Absolutely this.

Many victims only need a glance to keep them in line.

I really hope the OP reaches out to her GP, health visitor, friends, etc.

Good for you if you're happy to do that, the vast majority of people wouldn't be though and the OP isn't happy to do it and you still haven't commented on the OPs second post

I don’t understand if the baby is EBF then how do you know it has an allergy to dairy and gluten?

That aside I would not be heating humours and olives all night.

Eating hummus and olives ^ 🤓

Foot down time...

DH.. I am breastfeeding our child on a restricted diet.. if you can breastfeed her.. go for it.. if not.. I get to choose not to go to a restaurant with my relatives and make this into a hideously awkward situation all round when we could just go to wagamamas instead. Auntie Jean and Uncle Bob have been generous to us before and we can afford this. If you don't agree then you are going to have to suck it up and keep your opinion to yourself this time.

Still not angry you have a different opinion

Still irritated you think its okay to normalise abusive behaviour on a thread where the OP is potentially being abused

Go the chain restaurant, use your voucher and take a pot of pre-made GF pasta for yourself and just have some sauce. If they can't accommodate for your allergies then they cannot object to given you some bolognese by itself.

I'm surprised a major chain cannot cater for you? Being dairy / gluten free is hardly unusual (albeit being both is probably more unusual)

@pictish

are you tight or do you not like nice food?!

let your hair down Hun, you only get one life

Your husband sounds like a fucking idiot.

Apologies, having read a bit more I'm from the OP I see there are much wider issues at play.

I was literally offering solution to the "no food at X restaurant" problem. Ignore me!!

Your husband is being selfish.

Your original question in your OP is

AIBU to think that we should just go to another restaurant and pay the bill?

YANBU to choose another restaurant, why do you need to ask?