DW wants a cleaner

[lightcurtains]

We've just had a baby a few weeks ago.
I am going back to work next week.
DW wants us to hire a cleaner while she is on mat leave to come in each week.

I don't like the thought of someone I don't know in the house going into each room etc, so I've never really liked the thought of having a cleaner.

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable?

Why do you think a cleaner would be remotely interested in what you've got in each room? They're there to clean and get paid.

As long as you do all the cleaning, that's great.

YABU for being weird about someone coming into your house.

I found housework pretty manageable after the first few weeks of having a new baby, but everyone's recovery and indeed everyone's baby is different. If your wife is struggling and feels she needs a cleaner once a week for a while and you can afford it, then YABU to say no unless you intend to take on all the housework.

Your wife doesn't want to do any cleaning that's why she wants a cleaner. Either you do it all, or you get a cleaner.

Simple.

A new mother needs help and has a solution. Hide your personal documents etc and let the woman have some rest.

YANBU and despite what a lot say on here it is not difficult to clean the house when you have a baby, she’s off work, she needs to get on with it.

If you can afford it, outsource whatever you can from cleaning to laundry. Your relationship and ability to sleep plus sense of ease with eachother may well pay dividends on the investment.

If you can't afford it readily, that's a very different matter.

Things have changed

Unless you are looking after the baby half the time - and you can't as you work - you need to be doing a lot more around the house

Whilst we are emphasising that having a baby changes things - you won't get as much spare time as you are used to having and it would be unreasonable not to give your wife the same amount of spare time as you get - her being with baby isn't her own time

Phew I thought I was in a weird parallel universe then.
Unless there's a drop feed OP shouldn't have to do it all

I don’t think it’s ‘weird’ to not want somebody in your house. It’s one of the reasons I wouldn’t want a cleaner. It’s not because I have a sex swing in the kitchen and a bedroom full of swords. It’s simply because I feel it’s my private space and wouldn’t necessarily feel comfortable with a stranger being there.

I don’t quite agree with the ‘if you don’t agree just do everything yourself.’ That doesn’t work the other way, and I wouldn’t like it if I said I wanted us to do the housework ourselves and my husband said then he wouldn’t do anything in the house. Have a conversation with your wife - see if there’s a simple compromise that can be made. Perhaps she could agree to always be present when the cleaner is to supervise. Or you could mark down which jobs she struggles with and make sure those are your responsibility.

It depends on the baby. If you have an ill, or high needs baby or a baby which doesn't feed so you have to top up with a dropper, it can be extremely difficult.

It basically comes down to whether you want to make your wife's life more difficult because of your hangups. if yes, crack on.

Not unreasonable at all she has more then enough time to clean the house while on mat leave as long as you are doing 50% of it

And what if he doesn’t want to do any cleaning either and doesn’t want to pay for a cleaner? Should she just do it all?

Life isn’t a case of bullying your partner into doing what you want. Conversation and compromise are the keys to a good relationship.

Her maternity leave isn't for her to have to clean. She doesn't want to do it. They can, presumably, afford it as OP hasn't suggested otherwise. Why should she have to spend her time doing it?

Considering she only wants a cleaner 1 day a week she's clearly still going to do her share of cleaning up after tea or whatever.

Ah to be Saint at motherhood and housekeeping.

It's not that easy for many people for a variety of reasons, which none of us should have to explain.

It is an opinion, don’t be so silly.

Its not about thinking you want your DW to do it all

Your DW wants to outsource her share of the cleaning. You are trying to stop her therefore potentially you need to take over her share.

Is there something else that can be outsourced instead (laundry, meal delivery service) to make your lives easier that you are more comfortable with as a compromise

As an aside cleaners don't normally go in things (e.g. drawers etc) they normally just clean surfaces so having a cleaner is no different to having a guest and your DW will be home so there is zero chance of anything weird happening

Cleaning one house isn't a full time job, it would take a couple of hours or so unless you live in a mansion! I don't see any reason why you can't both clean at the weekends and take it in turns to hold the baby while you do so.

I'm assuming there aren't any financial constraints that mean you can't afford a cleaner.

YANBU

If she wants a cleaner and you don't, she needs to be the one to pay for it

She is on mat leave, it's actually extremely lazy for that to be when she looks to have a cleaner

On my mat leaves we had the cleaner round less as if I'm home more why pay someone else to do it!

But we don't know if she has any bad birth injuries etc, time isn't the only factor

Lets just say a male definition of doing the cleaning and a womans usually differ madly. I think if you can afford it you should doit - it would free you both up to be less stressed about things with the baby and also more time for baby rather than the drudgery. New babies are exhausting for all and if cleaning is taken off the list life is considerably more pleasant. A compromise would be that you ask your wife to stay home on cleaner day so there is less chance of snooping etc if she is on site.

I find this a bit of a stretch personally.

Obv it depends on your family budget but I don't think its unreasonable to fit in her share of the cleaning while on mat leave.

Unless your baby really is a serious non sleeping arsehole?

I mean I used to hoover with mine in a carrier on my chest, it was a sure fire way to send them to sleep!!

What do people do all day on mat leave if they can't even fit in a normal share of housework?

I can relate to that reluctance to have a stranger in your home, touching your things. I’m a very private person. But if you really sit and think about it, you might find that it’s more of a reflex response and not something that matters in the greater scheme of things.

cleaners don’t come for a nosey or to judge you, and really, even if they do would it actually matter? And if so, why? Why would the opinion of a stranger, and an opinion that you probably would never hear, actually impact you?

Is there a particular area that really does need to be left alone - sensitive work materials or a delicate hobby or something easily broken and irreplaceable? Those things can be cordoned off or locked away.

Your feelings are valid but you do need to look at them in the context of your partner’s feelings. Is this discomfort of your things being seen worth the distress your wife might be dealing with, either trying to keep on top of it all or struggling through with a messy environment?

getting past this for her is an act of love and support, at a time that can be really, really hard.

I'm another who cancelled the cleaner on both my mat leaves because I had time to do it myself!