DW wants a cleaner

[lightcurtains]

We've just had a baby a few weeks ago.
I am going back to work next week.
DW wants us to hire a cleaner while she is on mat leave to come in each week.

I don't like the thought of someone I don't know in the house going into each room etc, so I've never really liked the thought of having a cleaner.

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable?

Could you potentially compromise e.g. cleaner does kitchen/bathroom/lounge/spare bedroom (if you have one) and you both have responsibility for the more "personal" area of your bedroom?

Why? It makes no difference to the question being asked.

Hi OP. I've NRTFT (sorry, too many pages now!) but I'm a professional domestic cleaner/housekeeper for a living. But despite this, I completely understand your reservations.

Even though I do this myself for a living, I would still find it difficult to hand the reigns of my home over to someone else. I'm very particular and houseproud, so I imagine I'd be initially hard work for letting go of the control.

But that's exactly what a good cleaner does. They take control of the household chore stuff so that you can focus on your own work and family life. They work out their clients on a personal and psychological level.

I can categorically say that of ALL the clients I have worked with, not a single one is the same as the other. You learn who they are. You learn how they live, their family dynamics, who likes their room in specific ways, what makes people's lives easier and happier and the stuff thats less of a priority.

For the above to work out, it will mean a few weeks of both parties feeling a little uneasy and out of their comfort zone. You'll feel like your home's been invaded, like you're being judged. You'll find it unnerving having a total stranger doing the stuff you'd normally do in your territory. But the cleaner will feel the same - like an imposter who's being judged. Waiting for your footsteps behind them, checking on their progress and anticipating the "you've missed a bit".

But if both give it time, things work out. The cleaner gets to know you and your home, how you like things and the things that really ease the workload for you. And the cleaner feels more easy and comfortable about the routine they've established after getting to know you and your home.

But one thing I can assure you... a cleaner doesn't give a flying one about judging or abusing your privacy. They'll be running around like a blue arsed fly trying to complete as many tasks as poss in the timeframe allocated to your slot. So much so they won't give a shit about anything else.

I've worked for most of my clients for near enough 5 years now and I still couldn't tell you what's in their wardrobes, drawers, airing cupboards etc. I only access what I NEED to. Anything else is not my concern. Going nosying and snooping would only extend my day and make me late for my other jobs!

All my clients started out feeling apprehensive about my service, but all became quickly acclimatised to it. Now they love not having to think about housework and enjoy leaving me to run things.

Maybe just give it a try?

Nearly, it is 90%

I can understand your reservations at someone else being in your home..it’s your sanctuary! However I was a self employed house cleaner for over 8 years until I had my son, so my tuppence worth is:
meet with a cleaner beforehand (i would recommend self employed, non-agency workers as they have their own reputation to uphold & you will get the same person each time).
check reviews on yell.com for people in your local area.
it is easier for the cleaner if no one is home, however if you just ensure your partner is in another room (perhaps one you don’t want cleaned) then they can work away, quickly & happily.
it is your home & you have the right to choose what you want cleaned & when, so you could just agree what you want done up front with them.
and you can always cancel the clean if you still feel it’s not been worth the discomfort you may feel.
tidy away any documents, bank statements, cash & jewellery- it will give you peace of mind plus your cleaner will thank you for having less stuff to move to clean properly 😆
i hope you find a solution that works for your new family & congratulations on the new addition 🙂

Missing the point somewhat but get a robot hoover instead of vacuuming every day.

If you can afford it then YABU

I’d talk to your wife about her feelings because she’s clearly communicating she feels she needs extra help atm. Nothing wrong with that esp if you can both afford it.
If you strongly don’t want a cleaner in your home then the only thing you can do is take over her share of the H/W - if your schedule allows for it.
She must be saying it for a reason.

I don't find your posts defensive nor aggressive, OH.

I think a lot of the other posters are feeling defensive and have been aggressive because they made assumptions that you were a man in a heterosexual relationship and that felt embarassed when they realised they were wrong.

Some posters have also been abusive. It seems to me that a certain minority of Mumsnet users just like using offensive language whenever they get the opportunity to do so.

No you are entitled to your view but seems like you need to find a compromise while you are recovering. I got a Eufy robot vacuum after seeing it recommended by Mumsnet and it’s a helpful alternative (and obviously you can run it daily at your own convenience).

While I've never bought into this 'can't do anything when I've got a newborn', I hate cleaning and we had one. My husband was far tidier than I ever was and he always had one - she did his ironing too. Once we had kids (our two and one of his teens) in the house, she was essential. She was essential even without kids!
Cleaners don't rifle through your things, but they probably do know more about you than you think. But discretion is part of their job.

Yes, you are. Most unreasonable. Unless you plan on doing the cleaning yourself and to a ihgh standard, hire the cleaner. You are putting your own hang-ups before your wife's needs. She needs this time to recover from birth, bond with her child, get used to motherhood. It ain't all sugar and spice.

This thread is wild. We have a cleaner. At first it was a little uncomfortable. Few options are:
Hire someone you know like a family member
Or, if their closeness is the very problem hire an agency. The lack of interest in you and your home from the cleanse will soon put you at ease.

You can also put cctv up and check in if you really feel the need. We have cameras but for the pets not the cleaner.

It can also help to get to know your cleaner a little so they are more human and you have more of an equal relationship.

There are a lot of compromises that can be reached even while still have a cleaner. For example, we do the bins and the washing up. I'd leave it all but dh worries about what they would think

You will not regret outsourcing some of your cleaning. Honestly it was the best thing we’ve done. Our even strip and make the beds up. And it means more time for DC and work.

As for feeling uncomfortable, make sure you get a recommendation for the right person and start with a months trial. Maybe even just downstairs to start with. If it’s the right person, you will wonder why you’ve not done it before.

Contact an agency. If you just get someone local without references then if they don't turn up you're stuck. Agency staff are vetted and insured. Better safe than sorry. Don't forget you can state exactly what needs doing so that certain rooms are not entered if that's what you wish.

@BoneTiredMother

I don't think you've read the thread.

Thank you @Caroffee

I agree with what you're saying. Those who are saying I am defensive and aggressive are the ones who have made the assumptions and feel I have purposefully 'omitted' information and deceived them in some way in my OP.

Thank you all for your comments. There are some really helpful suggestions, and I do feel a bit better about the idea now, so we will definitely look into this and see if we can get someone to come once per week or fortnight and see how it goes.

Hopefully it will give us more time at the weekend to spend together like some of you have said, as usually we spend a few hours on a Saturday cleaning. And with a newborn, I'd really rather we were doing other things than cleaning all Saturday!

Thank you 😊

Oh OP please stop and think about what you are doing. I really struggled with our first baby and dh was very much ‘I’m at work all day etc etc’. I don’t know if ds was a difficult baby or if I was just not a natural mum but I found things so hard. I actually prioritised cleaning over being an attentive mother and I so so regret it now.
I was so busy cleaning we did no baby groups or anything enjoyable really and I was constantly so stressed - I genuinely think this has effected my sons personality, he finds it hard to be hugged or be close to people and struggles with confidence and socialising.
I didn’t enjoy maternity at all, I was very depressed, I look back 8 years later and it is so sad. In the end my husband and I nearly separated, we worked through things but even now I feel different towards him for how he was during that time, so unsupportive etc. I do think it changed how I look at him forever. Please don’t let this be you.
It’s such a short space of time in the scheme of things but you can’t get that time back.

Gay mum here. DW very neat, both of us clean equally. GET A CLEANER! Seriously, get one. It’s so nice to have someone else. Just once a week mop the bloody floors and clean the bathrooms!
you’ll still have loads to do, to tidy, look after kids, laundry etc.

I was worried about getting a cleaner before we did. It’s been four/five years now and I’d trust her with my life. She’s absolutely incredible and is the one person I don’t feel embarrassed about going into my house when it’s a state.

She even helps when we’re away.

It’s so hard letting someone in, but you’ll know when you find the one, and it’ll become a lifelong “friendship” (paid friendship 🤣)

Oh I'm exactly the same. I hate strangers touching my stuff. The thought of getting a cleaner has caused me many sleepless nights. At the end we had to bin the idea as it almost caused me a breakdown. I know most people might not understand but it's ok not to be OK. Sorry we are not like you.

It was the OP who gave birth (by CS)!

It never occured to me to have a cleaner during mat leave, I did it myself and I did a better job than any cleaner would have done. Now, I'm disabled and have a cleaner come in because I can no longer do the cleaning. I felt the same way as DH dies to begin with but you get used to the cleaner(s) and become friendly with them. I think that this is what DH should hear not all of the protestations that he should do the cleaning although that suggestion is not without merit.

Get a cleaner. You won't regret it.

Keep your do-not-touch items in a safe place .if tgats important to you. Cleaners aren't there rooting through drawers. They are there to clean.