To have reacted as I did to random man?

[surreygirl1987]

Was walking down the road earlier, near my house. Was pretty cheerful - my A Level class has done really well (teacher, results' day), it was sunny, life felt good. I was minding my own business when a man across the road yelled 'looking good, love!' at me.

I know it was intended as a compliment, but I hate this sort of thing - I feel objectified and angry that women are viewed as objects to aesthetically please men. So I stopped, took my sunglasses off, and said 'seriously - what is wrong with some men?' He said 'what are you on about?' and I said I don't appreciate been yelled at and objectified by random strangers when I'm just minding my own business. We went back and forth like this briefly, and he got pretty angry and called me a 'stuck up cow' before storming off.

I know it's not the worst thing in the world he could have done, and he was clearly complimenting me, but am I unreasonable to hate it, and to tell him I don't want that sort of attention? For me it was the equivalent to being wolf-whisted at. What do others think? Was I unfair?

Thanks for that

@Itloggedmeoutagain You're most welcome.

One thing I do know for sure, no man would ever tell a random male stranger to ‘cheer up love, it might never happen’.

Thank you, Cherchez and other posters on the thread who've had the patience to respond so articulately to some really thick-witted, blundering posts from some posters who are just determined not to see the point. The fact that many of these seem to be from women is really disheartening.

There is no need for men to say anything to women they do not know, about anything at all. Many women do not like being approached (I certainly don't) and at 53 - using the logic of a few posters - I should no longer be a target. That is not the case. I still receive unwanted male attention. That's because it's not about attractiveness or whether it would be welcomed at all (it isn't). It's because some men want to blurt out whatever passes for a thought, to any woman that crosses their path.

i know that some posters have said that they enjoy this 'banter' and that it puts a smile on their face but, since men have no idea which women would/wouldn't welcome their facile comments, they would do better not making them. Not making them takes nothing away from anybody, everybody can get on with their day - and the women who do not want to receive these comments are not harmed.

As a schoolgirl I was subjected to the most vile, sexist comments and suggestions just walking to school. Men who do that do not care that they are harassing a child - just that the body is female and therefore 'available'.

It needs stamping OUT.

@weinerdog

What was the harm then? The shouting across was a tad unnecessary but beyond that, he could've equally said it to a man who had a fresh haircut or nice trainers.

He wouldn't though, would he? Have you ever known a man to shout across the street at another male, a stranger, that he liked his haircut? Really?

And "where's the harm then"? So the dozens and dozens of women on this thread who have said they would feel uncomfortable or intimidated by a male stranger shouting across the street to them about their appearance doesn't matter to you, even if you wouldn't as an individual feel bothered ? Gosh.

Far worse than someone random telling you they think you look good is the insults slung (both ways) at those who feel differently to you. This inability to accept difference of opinion is getting ever more prevalent and is awful.

I agree that insults are not the best way to get your point across, but I don't agree that this is simply a difference of opinion.

Plenty of people on this thread have said they find this behaviour at best, unwelcome, and at worst, intimidating. I have a young female relative in my family who hasn't even hit puberty yet and is already getting comments about her appearance from random teenagers on the street, and she told her mum and her granny that it scared her. Beside that, what kind of world is she growing up in where she is learning that her value is based on her looks?

This isn't something we should be encouraging or brushing off as 'banter'; if you're not against it, you're for it and you are part of the problem.

As an aside... For the women that consider this to be a compliment. You do realise that these men are reeaally sleazy, right? Beside the above I can't comprehend the 'this would make mg day' comments considering the calibre of the men that pull this shit.

I usually reply with "Should have gone to Specsavers!!"

I'm a man and I have complimented strangers plenty of times, men and women. In fact, more so men than women, as there isn't much risk of them feeling sexually harassed.

I've complimented men about their shoes, beards, tats, mustaches, style and more. And unless they're all Oscar winning actors, they appreciated it.

Likewise with women actually, though I usually preface for example, "I hope you don't mind me saying so but your dress is really stunning." Again, I can't really think of a time when I didn't get what seemed a genuine thank you.

Perhaps it's because I don't shout from across the street, or maybe I don't seem threatening. Whatever the case is, my personal experience tells me if a compliment is genuine and not done in a creepy way, it's appreciated.

I think starting with "I hope you don't mind me saying..." is probably a big part of why your comments have been favourably received! The mere acknowledgement that she might mind is a positive.

@FunnyBeaux

My entire post you responded to was specifically about shouting at someone in the street though, so very different to the examples you gave. To the extent they are an entirely different kettle of fish.

Female recipients of street harassment react differently to both innocent and uncivil attitudes they receive from men. However, in the context of cultural differences, many women's responses to street "remarks" are seen as favorable compliments. Author Elizabeth Arveda Kissling's research reveals that many female tourists traveling in different countries witness forms of street harassment that are seemingly less severe such as wolf-whistling and following and they consider those actions as ego-boosters rather than an inconvenience. Whether street harassment is read as flattering or offensive, it is considered an arbitrary action that dehumanizes people.[41]

@Calphurnia88 I agree that insults are not the best way to get your point across, but I don't agree that this is simply a difference of opinion. but surely it IS a difference of opinion EVEN if you believe your opinion is better?

I think what he said was fine (polite and not harassment) and you have overreacted. I would have just carried on walking and said nothing. Would you have responded like this if a woman had complimented your dress or hair?

@Liivee, you remember how the other day you were telling us that catcalling was rare now and told women you knew more about street harassment than we do? Have you seen this?

Yes, this is what it's like in Britain too, and you don't need to be as young and attractive as she is, either (not that it's any more acceptable if you are).

It is annoying and i do understand that there can be some satisfaction from voicing that.
But in all honesty, I cringe a little when I hear of these sort of little lectures, and worst still, the supposedly 'witty' come backs.
The most annoying aspect of this male behaviour is that the man feels he is entitled to your attention. Any engagement confirms it and rewards and encourages him. He won't go away from that encounter reflecting on his actions, he'll put it down to one 'stroppy cow' who nevertheless considered him important enough to talk to. Just as the men on the receiving end of the supposedly witty insult are rewarded by your attention and the fact they've got a rise out of you.
If you really want to get to them, ignore them as though they are of no more importance than an annoying fly you'd swat away. No one wants to play to an empty room.

Do the people defending this man’s behaviour know men who shout ‘compliments’ at women in the street?

I have never had a single male friend, colleague or family member who would do this - going right back to my student days. I’m trying to imagine any of the men I know behaving like this. I’d be looking at them as if they’d grown two heads.

i can’t imagine many posters being impressed if they were with a male friend or adult son or brother and he suddenly started shouting across the street at women. So why is it acceptable from random strangers?

There we have it. Man shouts at woman across street = compliment. Woman shouts back at man across street = mouthy.

I said I don't agree that this is simply a difference of opinion, for the reasons I already stated:

This isn't something we should be encouraging or brushing off as 'banter'; if you're not against it, you're for it and you are part of the problem.

Without meaning to sound condescending, we're not discussing whether chocolate digestives are better than hobnobs. The consequences of encouraging this behaviour are damaging.

Don’t get this now ( old age has one benefit) but years ago 2 men made some random comment at me. I stopped and smiled broadly, said Hi how are you doing now? They looked confused. I peer closely at random man 1’s forehead. That surgeon’s brilliant isn’t she? You really can’t see where you had your brain removed. And walked on. 2 stunned men left standing on the pavement. Idiots.

This. ^ The misogynism is strong on this thread (from some posters.)

ODFOD

No-one wants to know what a cool girl you are.

Kungfupanda - are you with those men all the time?

👆

This ^ I can't actually believe almost a quarter of posters are OK with this shit. Must be men, or misogynistic women. And there ARE some women like this.