To have reacted as I did to random man?

[surreygirl1987]

Was walking down the road earlier, near my house. Was pretty cheerful - my A Level class has done really well (teacher, results' day), it was sunny, life felt good. I was minding my own business when a man across the road yelled 'looking good, love!' at me.

I know it was intended as a compliment, but I hate this sort of thing - I feel objectified and angry that women are viewed as objects to aesthetically please men. So I stopped, took my sunglasses off, and said 'seriously - what is wrong with some men?' He said 'what are you on about?' and I said I don't appreciate been yelled at and objectified by random strangers when I'm just minding my own business. We went back and forth like this briefly, and he got pretty angry and called me a 'stuck up cow' before storming off.

I know it's not the worst thing in the world he could have done, and he was clearly complimenting me, but am I unreasonable to hate it, and to tell him I don't want that sort of attention? For me it was the equivalent to being wolf-whisted at. What do others think? Was I unfair?

Not sure what your point is.
Man says woman looks good..... How dare he.

Woman says woman looks good. No problem.

Yes they do! Many 20-somethings do. Patronising as hell.

If you’re not sure what my point is, then answer the question. Do you think men tell unknown men that they look good in the toilets, on nights out? If not, why not?

Do you think it's OK for a woman to tell another woman she looks good though?

Whoa, just catching up on this thread and so many comments! Interesting (and really sad) that so many women don't get the issue, but three quarters do so that's great. My A Level English class have been studying The Handmaid's Tale and I'm sure they'd have heaps to say about this incident - they are incredibly switched on when it comes to gender.

Too many comments to reply individually, and the thread seems to have taken off on its own, but:

You've heard that as a matter of courtesy, have you? Men shouting "great haircut, mate!" or "oi! love your trainers!"
Nope. Men are not routinely subject to such commentary.

You are so right. As if he'd have yelled 'lookin good mate!' across the road to my husband if he had been there instead! And actually, now that I think of it, I bet he wouldn't have shouted anything if I had been walking along with my husband. It's because I was a woman on my own.

Meanwhile, back on Planet Earth...

Sorry, typed that from whatever page I was quoting from, & then found OP's post about the same thing.

Yes, I think it’s fine for a woman to tell another woman she looks good in the loos. Because the context is different to a man shouting it at her in the street. The same way the context would be different if a man told another man in the loos.

You know that context matters, because you’ve refused to answer the question as to whether you think men say things like this to other men in the loos. You know they don’t and you know that women do. So, why? If, to quote you, it’s ‘saying someone looked good, nothing more’, then why don’t men do it to strangers in the loos on nights out?

🙄

OP do you shout at strangers on the street while commenting on their physical appearance? No right? Why should you feel it’s OK when they do it to you? What that guy did was rude, not asked for and unsolicited sexual harassment.

what makes people think this sort of harassment is ok?

I wouldn't have minded at all, I'd have loved it in fact. I remember a couple of weeks ago when this man was walking his dog. He stopped when he saw me approaching because he told me that people end up nearly tripping over the dog because it's so small. I thanked him for it and he said "You're welcome Sweetheart" I loved that.

The "Smile, love. It might never happen" thing would really annoy me though.

You're not being unreasonable. You feel how you feel.

This isn't remotely comparable to what happened to OP.

That is a nice encounter though, and though being called sweetheart and so on grates on me, the older generation do say it a lot and in situations like this you just smile and accept it. This guy wasn't catcalling or similar.

I get ‘smile!’ all the time… I must have a miserable resting face lol. I get these (always men) must think they are being nice?! But one of those occasions my brother had just passed and I was genuinely miserable. I remember thinking, but why am I not allowed to look miserable if I am? Lol. Why these people feel the need to interact and say something without knowing a thing about the other person… it’s just annoying and weird. A polite ‘good morning’ or ‘hello’ (if appropriate) would achieve the same thing and not be offensive to the other person.

Absolutely this.
Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.
You don't know who your dealing with or who's carrying a knife these days and don't think it can't happen to you.
As for telling her husband when she got home if he had anything about him he would tell her to avoid confrontations with people you don't know. Just walk on.

Politely, the encounter you've described is not comparable to a man shouting 'looking good love' to a random woman in the street. There was no sexual objectification, even if he did call you sweetheart.

I'm regularly down the local park walking my baby to sleep and have no issue with polite chit chat from people of any gender (provided my baby isn't asleep at ghe time haha), but would object to an unsolicited comment about my appearance.

I am completely uninterested in what strangers think of my appearance. For someone to yell their opinion of how I look at me across a street would be very unwelcome.

It would probably startle, and then anger me that they felt entitled to share their unsolicited opinion in that way. Vulgar and creepy behaviour regardless of the sex of the shouter.

I used the example of the toilets as this is where women tend to talk
I don't go in men's toilets but I imagine they just go in and do what they need and come out.
It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if some bloke said I looked good. I wouldn't feel objectified or anything. If my friend's husband told me I looked good that wouldn't bother me either.

I believe there’s a major difference in being told by your husbands friend in a social setting that you look good versus having a random stranger shouting from his car while you’re walking alone.

I’ve also told my partners friend “he looked good” at a wedding and he said “thanks”, smiled, appreciated my comment and that was that. I’m pretty sure if said partners friend found himself alone walking down the street with some big gay guy wolf whistling at him or shouting “you look good” he would find it unapropiate and threatening.

context is everything.

…have minded…

So, you don’t think men tell strangers that they look good in the loos, then? Why do you think that’s the case? Because it would be odd and inappropriate in that context, yes? Completely different to a woman saying it to another woman?

Much like a man shouting something at OP in the street is different from a woman complimenting her in the loo. Different situations, different contexts.

And nobody has asked how you’d feel if your friend’s husband said anything to you. Again, completely different situation. Not sure what part of this you’re pretending not to understand.

I hated 'smile, love' when I was younger but wouldn't mind, 'looking good'. At my age (44) I'd just be pleased to receive a compliment.

I'm not pretending to not understand anything. I'm not agreeing with you or anyone else who is offended by someone saying someone looks good.
The OP was offended.
I wouldn't be.
That straightforward enough for you?

Nobody cares if you’d be offended. Nobody asked you to be.

You’re pretending not to understand that context matters and that the example you yourself have given demonstrates that. Either that or you genuinely don’t understand straightforward lateral thought, in which case you have my sympathies, I guess.

A man shouted out "looking hot" to me when I was in my car queuing for petrol a few weeks ago. I wasn't wearing make-up, hadn't brushed my hair, it was the middle of a heatwave and I am an obese almost 40 year old who dresses for comfort. I was so taken aback that I just shouted "what do you MEAN?!" back at him. He started getting nervous and mumbling stuff. I am still puzzled now. Did he mean I looked over-heated or was he verbally harassing me? Either way, my appearance is really none of his fucking business.