Page 20 | AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

Mum070322 · 2022-08-18T02:11:38+00:00

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months ) Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case. a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him. I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

AllTheDifference · 28/03/2023 17:34

Your baby lacks capacity to consent to anything. So you have to act in their best interest.

Do what you need to do to fulfil your rigid parenting philosophy. But be careful. Parents like you can alienate loving family
members, and only realise it when it is too late. The grandparent-child bond suffers when too many rules are laid down. I have seen it happen.

Cazareeto1 · 28/03/2023 17:47

Carriecakes80 · 20/08/2022 03:58

I would say this is New Mum territory, and you need to step back and give yourself a shake! :-)
Babies cannot give consent, nor will any Nursery be asking for it from your babe, they have things to do, so your baby will cry, they'll see he is dirty, and they will change him, bish bash bosh, its not a biggie, you need to chill a little bit and start enjoying your baby, because these early days whizz by...stop obsessing over who cleans him, and be grateful of the love and help you obviously are getting that will help your lad grow up to feel loved and secure!

Mum of six here and believe me, baby does not give a crap who changes him/her, as long as they have a clean bum and a cuddle at the end of it! You go on like this though and your kid will pick up on your fears of anyone else forming a bond with them, and they will be so highly strung...and who needs that eh???

This right here!! ❤️ should listen, get someone to look after your bundle of joy for a few hours go and have lunch dinner, clear your head, and think pre baby would you have thought this? Is it really necessary at this stage, what happens when babe at nursery, they have not got time to ask each baby/child if they consent to being changed… especially if they can’t actually talk yet… be realistic, think of the bigger picture, and think how can a baby give consent to being changed when really they only cry for a few reasons, hunger, needs changed, needs winded, uncomfortable ie being uncomfortable with clothing, want huged or a medical problem which will be clear from their cry and amount they cry like colic, baby will cry a lot when lying down, uncontrollable non stop, need dr and meds for reflux and more winding and breaks during feeding. As mums with experience, looking at bigger picture and long run is always best as well as living in the moment. Relax and enjoy your baby and let your baby enjoy the love from the people who will always be there and always love them unconditionally, family matters. There is a great saying it takes a village to raise a child. Family is that village and your child will be emotionally stable with the love from family. Carry on the way you are, family will not want to see your family, or feel comfortable around you or your child for fear of not being able to express love to you both.

1offnamechange · 28/03/2023 17:47

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 10:09

I think just to clarify I put this thread up just to gauge opinion I never had ago at MIL and I do think she’s a safe person I just think it’s inappropriate to take it upon yourself to change a baby

hense the reason I posted to genuinely see if it’s just me being a tiny bit ott.

as someone pointed out she just has a different way of doing things than my own DM which isn’t necessarily wrong

i wasn’t upset by her changing my baby if I had a big issue with it or with something im definitely not afraid to say so nor do I have an issue with her occasionally she can be annoying but so can my own DM

I never said she crossed a line with changing a nappy just that I was considering drawing a line.

half the people on here are yelling because I apparently hate her, because I like my baby to be happy during changes and talk to him and the rest because I prefer my baby to want to go to someone before I let them hold him

Show quote history

What? Nobody is "yelling" either opinion.
Just pointing out your rationale doesn't make sense.
If you accept that at some point your baby will have to be changed by someone other than you/DH and are okay with that - bearing in mind that they are unlikely to do the special cuddles or try and get 'consent' from the baby or whatever you do, then you should accept that it's fine for someone you know and trust to change the baby while you're there. Otherwise you're being completely hypocritical as by any measure option 1 is 'worse' in terms of potential danger, distress to baby, lack of "consent" (not saying any of these are likely at all) than option 2.

If anything it will be less upsetting now for you to wean the baby into the idea of being changed by granny, in his own home, while mum right there, than going from ONLY EVER being changed by you doing special cuddles beforehand straight to being changed by a complete stranger in a nursery with several other kids around.

slowquickstep · 28/03/2023 18:19

I wonder if the OP still has the same outlook

MrsJamesofSutton · 28/03/2023 19:15

@Mum070322

Ignore the snippy comments about how your baby gives consent for cuddles.

Your baby may not have language but he can communicate his wishes, either by crying if he is unhappy or smiling/holding out his arms to those to whom he does give consent/

I would hold my baby, so that he could fully see the person who was requesting a cuddle. I would then ask the person-adult or child-to hold out their arms-very softly, very slowly, very gently-towards my baby.

Baby would always react-sometimes by leaning towards the asker and/or smiling. This meant baby was happy to be held-baby had given consent using his own method of communication.

Baby would sometimes yell, sometimes violently lurching back-this was clearly not giving consent.

It's not difficult to understand.

I would employ the same method with nappy changes and, like you, I would always communicate with baby by describing what I was going to do at each stage and showing each item clearly. Ig baby cried, we would wait. He would not sit in shit, as some fools have said because he would cry, therefore letting me know that he required his nappy changing

I believe that in the future, it will be standard to ask for baby's consent and it should start at the beginning. In my birth plan, I asked that the midwife ask baby and me if the cord could be cut.

Obviously, it had to be cut-before people imaging that I thought that might not be the case- but it was a significant moment-baby and I agreed that it had to be cut My husband also said, "I consent" and it was a bonding moment for all of us.

Stick to your guns OP/

MrsJamesofSutton · 28/03/2023 19:22

I've just seen that this is an old thread. For fuck's sake-who resurrects these things!

RegardingMary · 28/03/2023 19:24

I wouldn't say it's inappropriate at all.

The issue you've got with it all is that you're expecting MiL to mind read. in reality she's trying to be hands on and helpful, it may not be your DMs way to do things, but most GPs would be happy to change nappies even with parents around.

Instead of expecting her to know how you want her to act, show/tell her. "I always let baby know what I'm doing as I do it." Or "He likes to be sung to or to play with this toy while he's being changed."

It sounds like she wants to be hands on, let her.

Pottedpalm · 28/03/2023 19:30

MrsJamesofSutton · 28/03/2023 19:15

@Mum070322

Ignore the snippy comments about how your baby gives consent for cuddles.

Your baby may not have language but he can communicate his wishes, either by crying if he is unhappy or smiling/holding out his arms to those to whom he does give consent/

I would hold my baby, so that he could fully see the person who was requesting a cuddle. I would then ask the person-adult or child-to hold out their arms-very softly, very slowly, very gently-towards my baby.

Baby would always react-sometimes by leaning towards the asker and/or smiling. This meant baby was happy to be held-baby had given consent using his own method of communication.

Baby would sometimes yell, sometimes violently lurching back-this was clearly not giving consent.

It's not difficult to understand.

I would employ the same method with nappy changes and, like you, I would always communicate with baby by describing what I was going to do at each stage and showing each item clearly. Ig baby cried, we would wait. He would not sit in shit, as some fools have said because he would cry, therefore letting me know that he required his nappy changing

I believe that in the future, it will be standard to ask for baby's consent and it should start at the beginning. In my birth plan, I asked that the midwife ask baby and me if the cord could be cut.

Obviously, it had to be cut-before people imaging that I thought that might not be the case- but it was a significant moment-baby and I agreed that it had to be cut My husband also said, "I consent" and it was a bonding moment for all of us.

Stick to your guns OP/

Barking.

VickyEadieofThigh · 28/03/2023 19:36

Pottedpalm · 28/03/2023 19:30

Barking.

Show quote history

Absolutely insane.

FilthyforFirth · 28/03/2023 19:40

@MrsJamesofSutton I cannot tell if you are being serious or not? You believe yohr newborn needed consent to cut the umbilical cord??? Please tell me you are winding people up?!

If not, I hope you got consent for:

how you are feeding him
what clothes you dress him in
what carseat/pram he is in
where he goes on any given day
whether he wanted his immunisations/5 day blood test

If not, why not?!

MrsJamesofSutton · 28/03/2023 19:47

No, I wanted my newborn to be acknowledged-acknowledged that something was being done which very much involved him.

In the same way, I would acknowledge that he has a right to be involved in his own medical treatment but I would carefully explain and overrule if necessary, although thankfully, that never arose as it would have been painful to me and I would apologise. After all, I am not as some rude posters have said, 'insane.'

Feeding-yes, I did ask consent before breast feeding-it was almost always given😀and as he got older, of course, I would ask him what he would like to eat and not just shove anything down his throat!

The same applies with clothes.

I suppose 'consent' is short hand in many cases for acknowledging that he has imput. Don't we all believe that in essence?

Pottedpalm · 28/03/2023 19:53

So if he refused you would go ahead anyway. What are you attempting to teach him
there?

FilthyforFirth · 28/03/2023 19:53

And you believe your newborn is able to give consent? He is able to understand he can be either breastfed or bottled fed and is able to direct you to which one he prefers?

Likewise, he is able to understand he can wear a babysuit or trousers and a longsleeve tshirt and is able to express to you which one he consents to? Which colour he does and doesnt consent to being dressed in.

What does this consent look like? Does he give detailed explanations as to what he is and isn't consenting to? I am genuinely glabbergasted anyone thinks this.

What is he didnt consent to his umbilical cord being cut? If we're being this ridiculous, did he consent to being conceived or born? Feels like you just over rode him there?

AllTheDifference · 28/03/2023 21:54

MrsJamesofSutton · 28/03/2023 19:15

@Mum070322

Ignore the snippy comments about how your baby gives consent for cuddles.

Your baby may not have language but he can communicate his wishes, either by crying if he is unhappy or smiling/holding out his arms to those to whom he does give consent/

I would hold my baby, so that he could fully see the person who was requesting a cuddle. I would then ask the person-adult or child-to hold out their arms-very softly, very slowly, very gently-towards my baby.

Baby would always react-sometimes by leaning towards the asker and/or smiling. This meant baby was happy to be held-baby had given consent using his own method of communication.

Baby would sometimes yell, sometimes violently lurching back-this was clearly not giving consent.

It's not difficult to understand.

I would employ the same method with nappy changes and, like you, I would always communicate with baby by describing what I was going to do at each stage and showing each item clearly. Ig baby cried, we would wait. He would not sit in shit, as some fools have said because he would cry, therefore letting me know that he required his nappy changing

I believe that in the future, it will be standard to ask for baby's consent and it should start at the beginning. In my birth plan, I asked that the midwife ask baby and me if the cord could be cut.

Obviously, it had to be cut-before people imaging that I thought that might not be the case- but it was a significant moment-baby and I agreed that it had to be cut My husband also said, "I consent" and it was a bonding moment for all of us.

Stick to your guns OP/

This last part has to be a joke, surely?

Squanchhouse · 28/03/2023 22:21

would you feel the same way if it were your own mum and not your MIL?

ThinWomansBrain · 28/03/2023 22:25

as long as you're not expecting them to help out with free child care at any point. rock on.

oggie679 · 29/03/2023 07:58

MrsJamesofSutton · 28/03/2023 19:47

No, I wanted my newborn to be acknowledged-acknowledged that something was being done which very much involved him.

In the same way, I would acknowledge that he has a right to be involved in his own medical treatment but I would carefully explain and overrule if necessary, although thankfully, that never arose as it would have been painful to me and I would apologise. After all, I am not as some rude posters have said, 'insane.'

Feeding-yes, I did ask consent before breast feeding-it was almost always given😀and as he got older, of course, I would ask him what he would like to eat and not just shove anything down his throat!

The same applies with clothes.

I suppose 'consent' is short hand in many cases for acknowledging that he has imput. Don't we all believe that in essence?

You would ask him what he would like to eat? That has disaster written all over it.

slowquickstep · 29/03/2023 10:27

MrsJamesofSutton · 28/03/2023 19:47

No, I wanted my newborn to be acknowledged-acknowledged that something was being done which very much involved him.

In the same way, I would acknowledge that he has a right to be involved in his own medical treatment but I would carefully explain and overrule if necessary, although thankfully, that never arose as it would have been painful to me and I would apologise. After all, I am not as some rude posters have said, 'insane.'

Feeding-yes, I did ask consent before breast feeding-it was almost always given😀and as he got older, of course, I would ask him what he would like to eat and not just shove anything down his throat!

The same applies with clothes.

I suppose 'consent' is short hand in many cases for acknowledging that he has imput. Don't we all believe that in essence?

Good lord, what world do you exist in ? Can't wait until your child is a teenager.

fliptopbin · 29/03/2023 10:42

I wonder if the OP's views have changed in the 7 months since this thread started. Her LO must be a toddler now!

riceuten · 29/03/2023 10:56

I'd ask myself why you don't want anyone else to do this ?

liwoxac · 29/03/2023 11:04

Sometimes a random slice of a random thread on MN can offer unexpected delights. This was well worth reading:

"I believe that in the future, it will be standard to ask for baby's consent and it should start at the beginning. In my birth plan, I asked that the midwife ask baby and me if the cord could be cut."

"Obviously, it had to be cut-before people imaging that I thought that might not be the case- but it was a significant moment-baby and I agreed that it had to be cut My husband also said, "I consent" and it was a bonding moment for all of us."

Thanks, MrsJamesofSutton. I haven't laughed so much in a long time.

In case it's not intended as a joke (and your later messages suggest you may be for real), well, you may well not be insane. MrsJames, but you are as daft as a brush, you and your husband too. (Proabably no harm in either of you ... it surely does take all sorts, though, no?)

I would advise you to keep a copy of this post of yours and show it to your child when he/she is grown. If you're lucky and you haven't done anything too daft in the interim, that will be a real bonding moment, I hazard.

"... baby and I agreed that it had to be cut". Priceless! Thanks MN.

AllTheDifference · 29/03/2023 12:08

liwoxac · 29/03/2023 11:04

Sometimes a random slice of a random thread on MN can offer unexpected delights. This was well worth reading:

"I believe that in the future, it will be standard to ask for baby's consent and it should start at the beginning. In my birth plan, I asked that the midwife ask baby and me if the cord could be cut."

"Obviously, it had to be cut-before people imaging that I thought that might not be the case- but it was a significant moment-baby and I agreed that it had to be cut My husband also said, "I consent" and it was a bonding moment for all of us."

Thanks, MrsJamesofSutton. I haven't laughed so much in a long time.

In case it's not intended as a joke (and your later messages suggest you may be for real), well, you may well not be insane. MrsJames, but you are as daft as a brush, you and your husband too. (Proabably no harm in either of you ... it surely does take all sorts, though, no?)

I would advise you to keep a copy of this post of yours and show it to your child when he/she is grown. If you're lucky and you haven't done anything too daft in the interim, that will be a real bonding moment, I hazard.

"... baby and I agreed that it had to be cut". Priceless! Thanks MN.

If this happened then I can just imagine the midwife storing up that story with delight, to share with her colleagues later. These kinds of crazy anecdotes get hcps through difficult times.

loislovesstewie · 29/03/2023 12:16

I'm crying with laughter! Well done!

Ineke · 29/03/2023 15:35

If you are going to such extremes, asking baby’s consent for the cord to be cut, why don’t you go back further, you know, when your teenager screams at you saying that they didn’t ask to be born. Perhaps, get future consent before a conception, that your child would really want to be born into this dangerous and shitty world and don’t presume that they do.

Ineke · 29/03/2023 15:39

Haha, I used to work in a nursery that took infants from 6 weeks. Must apologise that I never asked any of the babes if I could change their soiled nappies for a dry clean one, none of them seemed to mind and so far I have had no come backs.