AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

[Mum070322]

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

I would say this is New Mum territory, and you need to step back and give yourself a shake! :-)
Babies cannot give consent, nor will any Nursery be asking for it from your babe, they have things to do, so your baby will cry, they'll see he is dirty, and they will change him, bish bash bosh, its not a biggie, you need to chill a little bit and start enjoying your baby, because these early days whizz by...stop obsessing over who cleans him, and be grateful of the love and help you obviously are getting that will help your lad grow up to feel loved and secure!

Mum of six here and believe me, baby does not give a crap who changes him/her, as long as they have a clean bum and a cuddle at the end of it! You go on like this though and your kid will pick up on your fears of anyone else forming a bond with them, and they will be so highly strung...and who needs that eh???

I feel something is seriously amiss here, you seem to have some deep issues which I think need therapy.

Crikey, you are so far beyond unreasonable. Like, it's no longer even in sight.

OP seems to have misunderstood consent parenting. Or, more likely, is using a vague tenuous link to consent parenting to validate her behaviour.

You being annoyed and having to draw a line because of a grandparent changing a 4m old baby's nappy is nothing to do with consent parenting. It's you needing to control.

If you really want to include consent parenting, it's a positive thing, but you may need to do some research as you could end up creating issues where there are none, and seriously damaging the normal loving interactions and bonding experiences that are so necessary from the day a child is born.

If you're not comfortable having others chsbge your baby's nappy, just say so. Own it. Drama and excuses not required

This is actually the most bonkers thing I have ever read. A six month old doesn't need to "consent" to a cuddle! Fair enough if they obviously don't want someone to pick them up but otherwise grandparents (assuming no issues with them) should be able to freely pick up their grandchildren for a cuddle.

Wow. You are setting yourself up for loads of trouble... relax a bit? Although what you said about your mum made me think 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree'.

My DSis has two boys who are a ruddy delight and she is polar opposite to you. She recognises the importance of all family members having frequent cuddles, will encourage you to hold if you just say hello, practically! They are super relaxed, smiley babies/toddlers. I can't help thinking your child will become very entitled if you take the idea of permission this far. With some choices there is an element of etiquette - e.g. you should accept a party invite if you are free, because it's polite, or return an invite if you've been asked to someone else's party. If society becomes solely about personal autonomy and rights, I don't think it will hold together very well.

What a strange post! I think you need to take a look at yourself and question why you have such a problem with a close family member changing your sons nappy. Weird!

Very strange ,no child enjoys nappy changes but it's all part of being a parent ,wait until the toddler years when he runs off half way through charging!

As I said before...you are clearly a first time mum ....you base your language to fit your cause....you dont expect someone to 'grab' your baby.....that's an emotive word...no one grabs a baby. I'm not sure of your experience with babies either...I'm mother of three...aunt of 11 and granny of 3, anurse, neonatal nurse and registered kids nurse. You are giving babies emotions they don't have...if a baby is laughing and giggling it's ok for a person to hold the baby..but if they are hiding and hanging on...it's not. Firstly...babies have crying jags....nothing to do with who is holding them...they just do. I saw a ti y month old baby in the street today dad had taken screaming infant out of the pushchair...mum was inside shop ...baby yelled like a goodun. Granny put out her arms...held baby and walked up and down...30 seconds...baby was quiet. There will be times your child stops crying for someone other than you.

You are being ridiculous and ungrateful

Now you appear cross with the answers you received. Your stance is very unusual. I would suggest very few mums feel the way you do. May be the way you were brought up. Big families tend to all muck in together and just do what needs doing. Maybe you were an only child with a nervous mum. We are how we were brought up.

I agree with all of this

And cue the insults and insensitive comments. Seriously, what is wrong with people on this forum! If all you can say is "I hope my son doesn't marry someone like you" why don't you just shut up? But you love getting your thrill from anonymously insulting posters online. Gross. This forum could be a safe space but people who behave like this won't allow it. Thank goodness there are some very sensible forum users who provide great advice and take the time to explain their reasoning.

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable. She should have asked first. You have every right to want to be the one in charge of changing nappies, feeding, and everything else concerning your baby. Please disregard the nasty comments.

You're probably feeling ashamed of those protective feelings but at the same time angry that she took the liberty to change the nappy without asking first. The good news is that you don't even need to explain WHY you feel the way you do, you're entitled to being protective of your baby. This has nothing to do with the quality of the baby-grandmother relationship like others have suggested.

Someone said she probably didn't ask because she sensed that you would turn down her offer, so she just dived right into it. If that's the case, that's some overbearing behaviour right there. Perhaps you need to think about healthy boundaries.

That said, I would not sweat it or bring it up with her just now, she won't understand. In the future, I would simply speak up and say "thank so much, but I'll do it" with a smile on your face. There, drama averted. If that creates drama (which is unlikely), then it's time for a conversation about boundaries. And please also remember that grandparents sometimes are SO eager to be helpful that it can be annoying for new parents, even if it comes from a good place.

Also, I just want to gently remind you that it's a really tiny tiny thing in the big scheme of things, so it's probably best to forget it and move on. 💐

You need to chill. Or you are going to make yourself ill.

You needed to move in the circles of la Leche league….all about life and freedoms based on breastfeeding.

You and I both consent parent and I still think you are being very unreasonable. It comes across as nitpicking at your poor MIL than anything else tbh and like you’re trying to cover up your dislike for her by saying what she did goes against our parenting style when no it bloody doesn’t. If you want her to say “I’m going to change your nappy now, alright?” to the baby then TELL HER but the actual act of grandparents changing a baby’s nappy fgs is totally normal. Maybe your mum doesn’t because she knows how you are? (Aka will get the hump over nothing)

This is to do with your relationship with MIL. The feeling that she is becoming overbearing. I think the fact she didn’t say anything and went ahead with you standing there is inappropriate. She is assuming a mothers role in this action and also could tip into “this is how you do it” . I would push back a bit. It’s common. No babies shouldn’t need consent that would only be if they were in an endangered position.

I'm not sure this actually happened. This story is on the DM website and it wouldn't surprise me that it has been written specifically to cause controversy and to get a story out of it. And a story it is....

THIS!! All the people on here not getting the issue, which is a very common one. Between new mother and significant close family and how baby's care is negotiated.

The thing you should have done however was to step in and not let her do it. You could have politely said, 'thank you, but I would prefer to change him' and that should have been that.
You should put your boundaries in on things like this and explain what they are at an appropriate time. If anyone doesn't respect those boundaries then it's their problem not yours but you need to communicate them clearly.

Problem with this is it may work initially when OP is in holier than thou mode with PFB but after she ‘put her boundaries in’ and then has a baby sitting in shit screaming and toddler toilet training who needs the potty NOW, suddenly (and conveniently) those boundaries disappear pretty bloody quickly and OP will be back on here complaining MIL doesn’t help and just sat there watching. This is because MIL had been put firmly in her place previously. Everyone will then jump in and tell her to tell MIL off for being lazy/unhelpful and to go NC. Yeah. Yeah.

This! 👍🏻

Are you my brother’s girlfriend?!😂

Well said @OftenFierce

Mum of 3 here, yes you are being very silly in this when it comes to a baby, most mums would actually be quite happy to not have to change a shtiy nappie once in a while… this isn’t being overbearing or not respectful to your wishes, this is another mum who just so happened to bring up your husband helping YOU by changing your child. No baby likes to be changed and will cry during this as it’s cold and especially if cleaning poo repetitive.. that is normal! Stoping to calm your child half way through changing is setting your self up for a huge fail when your child is mobile and took a crap! You will end up with poo everywhere, let’s be real here… get a grip and relise you are not the first person to have a child, your child is like every other child when comes to nappy changing… get over yourself! Tbh. Accept the real help like changing or baby sitting you will regret your decision when you hit terrible 2s and the even worse 3/4 year old stage when they have attitude! Yes teaching personal space and boundaries is a good thing but remember these people you are putting these rules on will at some point baby sit and really do you want the kid who won’t let them change him, so comes home sore from sitting in poo, or disrespectful to people baby sitting because he feels they are not respecting his boundaries when that may be something small like being told no… think carefully about the bigger picture baby stage only really lasts a year, don’t shoot yourself in the foot. Best advice I can give is reassessment on what you are doing, and not acting batsiht crazy….

This thread is 7 months old 🤷‍♀️