AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

[Mum070322]

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

In the 80s I taught breastfeeding…I’m a nurse and childrens nurse. It wasn’t unusual for mums to babysit each others babies and breast feed them when baby was hungry….as wet nurses used to do.

Having had a baby in the.80’s, I have to say that’s a new one on me!

Ive looked after my grandaughters from being 4 months old my daughter has had complete trust in me and if they needed their nappy changing i did it. She would go absolutely ballistic if she came home and my grandaughers had been sitting in poo and pee all day.

That’s slightly different as you were actually babysitting, petmads, so you had overall responsibility. OP was right there in the room when this nappy changing took place.

Yes and the society has evolved - what might be acceptable or common in the 80s or earlier (think smoking during pregnancy for example!) might not be the case anymore. Wet nurse has the parent's agreement that they can breastfeed the baby so it's not a comparable situation, if what you are suggesting is that it was "not uncommon" for random strangers at a support group to start feeding someone else's baby without first asking the mum whether it was ok!!

You'll find the older he gets the less he likes it being done. They will wriggle, go stiff, fight you to get away etc while you are trying to get a dirty nappy off him.
If you need consent off him for everything you're going to have issues down the line. Children will refuse to do a lot of things they don't want to like eat certain food, go to bed etc etc. So what will you do if he doesn't consent to what you are asking him to do?

I don't recall that either!

Not going to vaccinate then

I had a colleague who worked in a nursery and was paranoid about the child's safety. They honestly expected the nursery to ring her every time the child needed changing and she would whizz round and do it, as she didn't trust the staff to "do it properly".

Er, no. Nursery staff have better things to do than phone paranoid parents.

When I go round my mill's I hand the baby to her and get myself a glass of wine! She's happy and I'm happy! She can even change his nappy if she likes

God knows why she needed the childcare with that availability to

Wow! I'm a registered childminder and if all parents behaved this way I'd be out of a job! You're going to end up with a very clingy baby if you don't let other people, especially family help you.

As a gran I avoid changing pooey nappies when possible. I expect MIL comes from a family where the nearest adult just got on with it, no fuss. There’s a bit of a new tiger-mum issue here.

As for consent: we are a huggy family. Spontaneous hugging is as natural as laughing, debating or bickering. In my view all children, including teenagers and middle aged adults, need a hug from time to time, but babies, littlies - and grandparents - need loads of them. Didn’t we all suffer mentally from lack of human touch during long lockdowns? No wonder so many young people have mental health problems if spontaneous shows of family affection are banned or delayed by the barrier of consent. An unexpected hug from a family member is a gift, a joy; it’s a spontaneous ‘I love you’ that lifts the spirits.

Be kind to MIL; she’s your husbands mum, who feels for him and her grandchild exactly the same love and protective instinct that you have for your daughter.

I’m sorry but if you don’t trust someone to change your baby they should not have anything to do with them full stop!!
I admit I haven’t read all replies and I’m sure this has already been said but this screams alarm bells to me. As a child who was abused for ten years by a relative I am very very careful about who has access especially privately to my children but I do allow my family and even close friends on occasions to change my children's nappies. Not all of them would, but I would trust them too. I wouldn’t allow my children to build up a trust with someone I didn’t trust.

Sorry OP but YABU, I don’t know if your feeling a bit sensitive with DS being your first born; but I think your MIL was genuinely trying to help.
I’ve had nursery staff, in-laws, my siblings, my parents, they’ve all changed my DS nappy at one point or another. I actually sat and watched my 36 year old brother wrestle my son back into the house from the garden as he noticed he done a 💩 the other day and changed his nappy, it wouldn’t even occur to him to ask. I’ve changed many of my nieces/nephews/friends baby’s nappies too.

My daughters grandmother has changed her nappy for me, I wasn’t feeling well after my C-section so mumma came round and helped out for a couple of hours whilst partner was at work. I was happy for her to do so. My friend who works in maternity had also asked if she could do a nappy change ( as she’s a pro it was the best nappy change ever! She was so quick haha) I’d also known my friend since I was a little girl so I am very comfortable with people I know well to do so.

Surely your mother in law changed your husband’s nappy for the first few years of his life so it’s natural for her to change his baby’s nappy. Same as you will want to change your grandchild’s nappy one day. I can’t believe they have to ask for consent to hold their own grandchild.

OP, you're a loon.

HTH

Precious First Born.
Paranoid and pathetic.
Massive eye roll!!!!

I honestly think she would of thought she was helping and I wouldn't say anything to her as it's her grandson she should be trusted with him unless you have other reasons not to, she'll probably find it really offensive if you told her not to. I really appreciate my mother in law changing my daughter, It's a great help and allows me a 5 minute sit down. Better than some visitors people get who only come for a cuddle and expect the mother to make teas and coffees.

I did the same with one of my nephews, when they were in nappies. Started crying and smelling while I was holding him, obviously needed a change. It didn’t occur to me to ask permission, I just did it - I am the eldest child of an eldest child and the next youngest in my close/extended family is a decade younger so I grew up, changing babies as and when needed. Neither my SIL/BIL were remotely phased by me doing so (except to apologise for the mess 🤣).

If they had chosen to parent the way you are, I’d have been mortified to realise that I’d not respected that and keen to learn how they would prefer it done. You parent your child the way you want to and set those boundaries with family clearly and firmly and I’m sure your MIL will comply (even if she doesn’t agree).

YABU (& weird) - they're immediate family!!!

You're bonkers love

You post is so different to that of the OP though. You are being perfectly reasonable. You recognise that you have trust issue (which are understandable) and you are addressing them in therapy. ❤️

this makes me think of thenurserynurse on tik tok who asks the children if she can change them (all young babies). theres one of her videos about consent and babies that was super good and worth a watch.

Yes you're unreasonable and ridiculous