What's it really like for a child with 50/50 custody mum and dad?

[rejectshampoodemandtherealpoo]

I can only ask for experience. I was brought up by a single parent with little involvement from the other. So I have no idea what it would be like to be shared.

What's it like for those of you who grew up with an arrangement like this where you live between two houses?

I want to know if it's overall good or bad. Just out of interest as I got thinking about this. Thankfully I don't have to consider it for my child but I am very curious.

One of DH's relatives has this arrangement. The child seems happy and well adjusted BUT there has been clashes over schools, and invariable the mother ends up conceding to the father's preferences, and she has the worse logistics.

we have definitely swung too far the other way if me saying I’ll put my childrens lifelong happiness above my temporary contentment with a less-than-ideal situation is ‘martyred bullshit’. You do you, and I really hope your kids are as happy as you say and aren’t lying to themselves and you. I will never understand putting your kids through two homes and a break up cos you somehow can no longer tolerate living with your best friend. I’d always, always rather suffer than my DC suffer. But you do you.

It's not good for kids, and it's offensive to the collective intelligence to suggest it is. You're outraged clearly, but I don't see why.

@EhUpDuck I'm not usually that surprised by Mumsnet but you have definitely managed it. To think living in an unhappy household or an abusive one is better than having 50/50 access is just crazy. Justifying it by saying you are putting the kids first is even worse. But as you say - you do you.

Conversely, I think it’s exceptionally clear why @CookPassBabtridge and @justusandmoo are so invested and so outraged at any suggestion 50:50 isn’t good for kids, even when it comes from people who actually lived it as kids (which notably, neither of them mention having experienced). But sure, their kids are definitely completely supported to share their real feelings about splitting their lives between two houses and families with them without prejudice, whatever those feelings might be.

I doubt there's a "one size fits all" approach. 50/50 won't work for some children, for others it may be their preference.

Ideally, rather than the specific arrangement, I think parents should focus on listening and observing their children and responding to what they need at that time. Being open to the other parent and th child and allowing themselves to put their kids needs and wants above their own.

And people and circumstances change. So what works one year, may not the next.

I guess it's inevitable that egos will get in the way.

I think, mostly importantly, people need to choose their partners in the best way they can to prevent divorce as much as possible. And be prepared to put work and effort into relationships. People split over the most ridiculous stuff and this is the result.

@Grizzlac why don't you actually READ things before posting. I clearly stated that I don't think it's always for the best. I specifically said that my partners two don't do 50/50 and I don't think it would be in their best interest to.

What I have said is that it works really well for my daughter for various reasons. People have different circumstances. I am not outraged as you put it but it does get to me when people like you make sweeping statements around it always being wrong.

Please read things properly before you post.

Of course that would be ‘crazy’ (ableist slur notwithstanding). It’s also not what I said. I expressly said abuse or such sadness that a parent isn’t able (or willing) to contain their emotions around their DC absolutely should end in divorce. Just not ‘we’ve fallen out of love, still best friends though, hang out and chat all the time and the kids are totally fine with it all’. That, I won’t lie, I don’t get. And I’d rather be an adult and manage my own emotions around a less than perfect relationship and accept the consequences of my own choices than inflict those consequences on innocent DC. Because part of being an adult, and a parent, is accepting you make mistakes and doing your best with the results; not forcing the consequences of those mistakes onto young DC to manage when they don’t have the emotional or mental maturity to do so and have no power to control their environment. I think parents should put their DC first (and yes, that will absolutely sometimes mean divorce rather than a clearly unhappy home). But sometimes it means NOT divorcing just so you can have half your time free to pursue new relationships while they split their lives. That’s the DC suffering (whether a large or small amount, it’s clearly suffering as no one would ever choose to live like that, as shown by the abhorrence towards nesting shown on this thread) while the adults get to do as they wish and live their best lives. I choose to put my needs after my DC’s, as (i’d thought!) was largely accepted as being a basic part of parenting.

Absolutely.

@EhUpDuck we'll have to agree to disagree on that one then. I couldn't live in a marriage where I didn't love that person any more. That's not a healthy environment for any child.

Splitting up equally has its consequences and difficulties though I agree.

Xx

I tend to agree with you. It's normal in a long term relationship to fall in and out of love. I've been with my partner over 15 years. I've loved him, hated him, have laughed loads and cried. At times I could have left him over frustration. But when that's happened, we've talked. We've changed things.

We waited 10 years to have our first child, because we wanted to achieve things together first. This gave us time to make sure we really wanted kids together.

So many people make silly decisions (choosing to get pregnant with people they barely know or in relationships that already aren't working).

Or they fall at the first hurdle. A few hard months and they declare it's over. They get wrapped up in what could be, which often doesn't transpire.

I've seen it all. And whilst some relationships definitely should end, people should invest more into their relationships rather than be prepared from the get go to just walk away and let their kids suffer the consequences (I'm not saying all kids suffer, I'd imagine some adjust fine).

And you're such lovely human beings coming on a thread trying to make parents who have worked tirelessly to make a situation work best for everyone, to ensure the kids are happy and it's all positive and well organised, crap about it. And to try and put people off splitting from unhappy relationships. Take a fucking look at yourselves.
By the way.. you haven't made me feel crap about it. 😂 My boys are happy.
Enjoy your miserable martyred lives.

As a PP said, this depends on really good communication between partners. I (and my ex) had this arrangement in place for years without good communication, mutual respect or understanding and as a result, I don’t think it was great for our son. The only thing I’d add is that I don’t believe a more traditional residency arrangement would have worked particularly well either.

Yay!!! Let's shit all over people who got divorced, too! Like this wasn't a hard enough decision for everyone living in a dysfunctional or abusive relationship already, because someone in our society is always flogging that damn dead horse about how "you have to really work at relationships" and "you made a commitment" and "divorce traumatizes children and their lives will be ruined forever if you make this choice." Believe me, I spent years putting myself through hell because I was afraid that leaving my shitty marriage might ruin my child--happily she's thriving.

Do some people split for trivial or selfish purposes? Probably. Will you actually change their minds by posting on this thread? Hell no. Will you make some of us who split for non-trivial reasons feel even guiltier about whether we did the right thing? Yes, congratulations!

I shouldn't let it get under my skin, everyone's entitled to their opinion. But I just wish people could think a little bit about the impact of their words. What actual data are you basing those opinions on, anyway?

It's crap saying "I should have just stayed in my unhappy marriage ". No child wants that. They don't want you martyring yourself on their behalf. They want happy parents.

Children want relationships with both parents. But that relationship doesn't have to be 50/50. It just needs to be regular and meaningful. Insisting on 50/50 does not prove you love your child more than those who see their children EOW. At the end of the day, it is the child who has to do all the moving between houses so the parents can have their equal share of time with them (or without them!).

Some will be fine with 50/50. It really depends on how it is handled. If they think you're doing it for them rather than for you, then they'll probably feel more positive about it, but if you treat it like you're glad to be rid of them ("I need my childfree time") and fight over who should do what then obviously that will hurt etc.

Children will just get on with most things because that's life. It's only when we're adults can we look back and truly reflect on our experiences.

It’s almost like I’ve been here a long time… 😀

Oh good, another thread where parents can share the positives of 50-50 but those who have lived it cannot share the negatives.

It’s not very lovely to bash people who are talking about their experiences of growing up in a difficult situation. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it can work for secondary school students. Going from one house to the other for a night or two is a pain at that age as they have so much stuff. My dd started doing it after starting secondary, well after trying for a couple of terms to do the former routine of EOW and Wednesdays and it was too much moving about for her. So she does week on/ week off.

My DS8 still does the routine above - we make it so they have their weekends in the same place. At a younger age I think they prefer to have a “main” home, and to be with the more nurturing parent, the one who cared for them as a baby, toddler etc (so in practice usually the Mum although doesn’t have to be) for the majority of the time. Although maybe it’s just my exh is not very good at being caring!

Hmmm haven’t read the full thread but looks like best I don’t!

My parents divorced when I was young. I had 50-50 care and I am not so bloody old that my parents are a far off, elderly generation where they didn’t acknowledge emotional well-being. 😂 They were - and still are - loving and good parents. I have a good relationship with both, even though I eventually chose to make my mum’s my permanent home when I was 16. I continued to see my dad and enjoy his company.

While it was not my preference for this situation, even as a younger person, I recognised my parents were happier and better parents being apart. The home environment wasn’t ok with them together, so by no means am I saying I wish they stayed together in an unsatisfactory marriage. I do wish they’d considered every option before assuming 50-50 was the most fair and therefore, the only fair option. What works for a 5 year old does not necessarily work for a 15 year old.

There are elements you can do to improve 50-50 but I feel like some people on this thread won’t listen and will dig their heels in. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Parents need to be extra extra organised and not expect their children to be extra organised. As parents, they need to recognise it’s their job and there’s way more planning required with 50-50. Not saying don’t do it but recognise your child needs you to be communicative and clear. Timetables, reminders and whatever.

It would have been so helpful to have clear timetables and for everyone to know where we were and when. I was a good student and it made me so upset and anxious when I forgot my homework at the wrong house. I ended up with detentions which wasn’t fair.

Technically, I had everything I needed at both homes. However, when you’re a teenager, inevitably your favourite trainers will be at the ‘wrong’ house and you feel you need them.

So, if you’re not willing to drive a geography project over when your child remembers it’s in their room at your house the night before it’s due at school the next day, then 50-50 will throw up some extra issues.

I've got 2 friends who've done 50/50 & it's worked very well. BUT & something I think makes a huge difference is they both had very amicable break ups. There was no affair no abuse & they both remained friends with their ex husbands

Theyre also lucky in that their children have their own bedrooms in both homes.

Theyve made it work very well & all the children involved are happy & cope fine.

It's not for everyone but it can work

It's depressing that a thread that was meant to be about the impact on children has become all about adults' feelings.

I hated it. Felt like I was dragged back and forth , I used to wake up and couldn’t remember what bed or house I was in. It was damaging to me.

I'm saying people are biased in their views about it because they are the ones who won't have to only see their child every other weekend.

I had various contact as a child and I preferred 50:50. All the issues re feeling like you live out of a suitcase etc still exist with 80:20 etc, but that also has the downside of a more distant relationship with one of your parents.