What's it really like for a child with 50/50 custody mum and dad?

[rejectshampoodemandtherealpoo]

I can only ask for experience. I was brought up by a single parent with little involvement from the other. So I have no idea what it would be like to be shared.

What's it like for those of you who grew up with an arrangement like this where you live between two houses?

I want to know if it's overall good or bad. Just out of interest as I got thinking about this. Thankfully I don't have to consider it for my child but I am very curious.

I don't think so. You could choose to read it that way I guess. Or you could choose to see it as examples of things not being dealt with in the best way and look into ways to mitigate what seem to be common issues for children of separated parents.

Yes this.

So many times I look at situations and think okay yes that's what's best for you, the parent, but is it what's best for your child.

All this thread shows me is there are pitfalls that can be avoided in some situations if parents are willing to put their children first.

It's not good for children imo for parents to stay together when they are miserable. Separation itself, whilst difficult for children, is not the end of the world. It's how you deal with it afterwards.

And I don't think it's that out there to suggest children do "lie" to their parents about how they are feeling sometimes. All children, not just children with separated parents. Surely being aware of that isn't a bad thing?

i hated 50/50 and wrote as much above. However I am pleased my parents separated. My own marriage broke up when my children were very young, but we knew 50/50 wasn’t right for them, or us, for a variety of reasons. It’s been 13 years and the children have a great relationship with both parents, far more so than they would have done had we stayed together!

Really? They have duplicates of EVERYTHING? I don't doubt they have versions of everything they need, e.g. school uniform at both houses, phone chargers etc, but surely they don't have 2 types of, for example, their favourite top? I'm sure they have enough clothes at both houses but there must be times they want to wear x but they can't because that's at dad's house?

Surely there are somethings they only have one of, e.g. a laptop/kindle, schoolbooks, favourite Teddy, etc? And these are the sort of things they'll only need more of when they grow older but will be too expensive to get 2 of. I remember finding it annoying when I was in uni and coming home for the holidays -yes I had enough stuff to make do with but the stuff at home was always the second best/old backups, there was always something I'd forgotten, other things I only had one of (course books, laptop, nice makeup, ID, uniform for work) so had to lug back and forth, and that was only going home every few months, not every week!

Interesting thread

Lots of parents saying 50 50 works great

Lots of children saying they didn't like it

It could be that 50 50 now operates better / differently than in the past

I suspect it's more likely that 50 50 often doesn't work as well as some parents wish to believe

And, for the record, I say this knowing that if my DH and I were to separate, it's likely that my DC would end up living with DH and visiting me

I agree that it's about finding out what's best for the children but if you read the comments they are quite damning about the situation. How can you find out what is best for the child if they will lie to please the parents? Maybe a counsellor could help?
I have accepted my DC's choice to live with whom they want for the amount of time they have decided and it's flexible every single time. But I expect they do lie to me but probably also to themselves to an extent.

DP is 50/50 with his ex and seems to work brilliantly to me. Houses are close by so no issue with friends etc, they Co-parent well and his Ds speaks to the parent he isn't with most days. They still do the important stuff together with DS like parents evenings, Xmas play, birthday days out etc. seems ideal to me and I say that as someone who was married to a man who saw his DC every weekend and it was a nightmare. Think it's more about the parents making it work than a cut and dry yes or no

Do people really believe that in all instances if you say to a child;

"Mum and Dad both love you very much, how would you like to split your time between us? Please answer honestly, whatever you say will be OK"

Or

"Tell me truthfully, how are our shared arrangements working for you"

They'd give you a completely straight answer? Wouldn't most adults find it difficult to tell their parents they'd prefer to spend more time with one than the other. Obviously that often happens with adults, but to come out and say it?

Yes, absolutely, they lie to themselves too. Don't we all? Yes counselling can help and our children often do open up in counselling about how they dislike their arrangements. They often still don't want to tell parents though.

I don't think anyone's being "damned" but the professionals here have seen it from the child's pov, adults children have said how they found it, it's only parents who are determined it's a good thing.

Maybe rather than asking DC try putting yourself in the their shoes. Would you honestly want to live like that?

This thread will is a real worry. People will
stay in terrible relationships based on the way some people have completely trashed a 50/50 set up.

Even those of us truthfully say it works well find ourselves being told that it's not true and that the kids are pretending to be happy. It's such a shame because for me and my daughter it work so so we'll. it's nothing to do with what she tells me it's more about her general happiness that I can see and feel on a daily basis.

If anyone is reading this and contemplating staying in a relationship because of it please don't. It can work very well in many situations x

How can you find out what is best for the child if they will lie to please the parents? Maybe a counsellor could help?

Counselling is confidential and children are just as entitled to that confidentiality as adults, barring any safeguarding issues obviously. No counsellor worth their salt would disclose anything to you unless your child was at risk.

I suppose you just have to try very hard to put yourself in that child's shoes and be honest with yourself about what is best for them, even if that doesn't tally with what you want. What is best in terms of consistency, routine, what is the least disruptive option? The same as you would for a child who wasn't yet old enough to communicate their wishes and feelings.

The nesting sounds like the best solution for the children. They get to stay in their home and the parents are the ones having to cart their stuff back and forth. Kids can make plans with their friends without having to think about whose house they will be in that day etc.

🙌🏼🙌🏼
I think as a generarion we're a lot more tuned in to how our kids are feeling, and my boys are very happy. They don't tell me that, so I'm not being told "what I want to hear". I can see it in the way they talk, laugh, bounce around, their confidence etc.

I had a 50/50 custody set up as a child and it worked brilliantly. I spent a week at each house and swapped on a Friday. In the summer holidays I spent three weeks with each parent. Christmas was split equally.

I had two fully furnished bedrooms, I went to the same school but I had a wide spread of friends because of the two areas I lived in. I was made to feel both houses were mine and I was welcome in both of them. I was free to move my stuff between households as I saw fit. If I needed to spend time with a parent out with the schedule (weddings, funerals, birthdays) it was accommodated with no issues. If I wanted to spend time out with the schedule (my mum and I had a hobby that would sometimes fall on my dads weekends) I was free to spend the extra time with my mum.

When I left school and my mum moved away the decision as to who to live with was left up to me with full support from both sides and no guilt tripping.

Like all custody arrangements it will work as long as all responsible adults are reasonable and endeavour to co-parent amicably.

generation*

It's not about the pros and cons of separation, it's about what happens after that and priortising the child's interests rather than the parents' wants.

And for some children it may well work, but for a lot it doesn't.

It's just a simple fact that children tell parents what they want to hear. Yes I brushed my teeth, yes I did my homework, I'm happy to spend all summer with Granny/in holiday club, I don't mind if you can't afford a birthday party for me. Why would this be any different when the stakes are so much higher?

Sometimes of course they just have to do it anyway, but they won't always tell you what they're feeling, if it's going to hurt you.

They're also very very good at masking

I honestly think if anyone decides not to end a marriage or LTR based on one thread on an online forum, they were most likely never going to leave anyway. OP asked for an honest account of people's experiences of 50/50 arrangements and people have given an honest account of their experiences, as have you. It's a shame that not everyone's experience is positive, but it has been pointed out many times on this thread that 50/50 can work well in the right circumstances. I haven't seen anyone advocate for staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

@latetothefisting They don't have favourite clothes or toys, just plenty of both. They have computer/xbox/ipads at both. Bikes/scooters. Uniform at both. They swap every few days so if they do want something at the other parents house they know they can have it soon.
All that changes hands is their school bags.
You say about not being able to afford to have two expensive things at both.. but they are two seperate households now.

Sorry phrased that badly - of course a counsellor would never disclose anything to anyone but they could help a child understand what they want and how that child could approach their parents with this or another trusted adult.
You can try and put yourself in your child's shoes and you could come to the wrong conclusion. For example, I could imagine the least disruptive option would be for all children to be 80+ plus with one parent - one home, no disruption but spending one day a week and some holidays with parent 2. The imaginary child in question may actually find that option worse than the current set up.
One of mine early on decided they would rather be at their dad's one more night a week due to dad's gaming set up. All my friends thought I should put my foot down but I didn't and allowed my DC to chose. I don't know if I personally am doing the best because there are always harsh critics.
Given the complete uncertainty of what is best as your child won't tell you, you can't be sure when putting yourself into a DC's shoes you won't project some of your own feeling onto the situation etc, there seems no good answer to this other than 50:50 per the professionals and children doesn't work.
Therefore it is not a wholly illogical conclusion to read into it that you should try and stay together at all costs. (Not a personal conclusion.)

They don't have favourite clothes or toys, just plenty of both. They have computer/xbox/ipads at both. Bikes/scooters. Uniform at both. They swap every few days so if they do want something at the other parents house they know they can have it soon.
All that changes hands is their school bags.
You say about not being able to afford to have two expensive things at both.. but they are two seperate households now.

I do wonder how this can work with low-income families who need to claim Universal Credit etc.

For example, who would get the child element? If the child doesn't have a main residence and lives 50/50 who gets child benefit? And if only one parent can claim money for the child, how does the other parent who may also be very poor afford childcare or all these items for the child if they cannot claim any money for said child?

Even with non-50/50 arrangements, I don't get how it works for those on benefits. If the NRP works but is on a very low income and claims Universal Credit, how can they pay for any childcare on the days the child is with them in the holidays etc?

It's another thing that is individual and works best if the parents get on.
I am on the low wage so I get the child benefit and universal credit. If he buys something expensive he'll talk to me about it first and get one for my house too so we're equal.

To add to my earlier post - what I enjoyed the most was the routine. I could easily plan ahead as it was easy to work out where I would be. What I hated was in the early days when my dad would pop up at the end of Brownies to collect me as a surprise, or my mum would pop round to dads for dinner unexpectedly. That would leave me really discombobulated.

I guess the only hang over from the decade plus of doing the 50/50 thing I can think of is that I never really feel at home in a house. I like the house I live in, but it's not my home, just somewhere to keep my stuff til we pick somewhere else.

And if both on low wage then one would claim it and share it with the other.. again based on having a good relationship.