What's it really like for a child with 50/50 custody mum and dad?

[rejectshampoodemandtherealpoo]

I can only ask for experience. I was brought up by a single parent with little involvement from the other. So I have no idea what it would be like to be shared.

What's it like for those of you who grew up with an arrangement like this where you live between two houses?

I want to know if it's overall good or bad. Just out of interest as I got thinking about this. Thankfully I don't have to consider it for my child but I am very curious.

I think it depends on the individual situation. My siblings and are didn’t have this and as a result growing up felt replaced when my father moved in with the OW and her kids and admitted her youngest two were his. He made no effort to see much of us at all but expected us to all get along.
on talking about how I felt with a friend she explained she had 50/50 arrangement and hated it, though not at first. Her reason was that both parents moved on and had children that lived with them full time but she just moved between the two.

At 16 she asked her parents if she could maintain contact but just stay at one location. She was told it would not work as on the days she was at the other house, her room was used for her siblings.
She told me how upset she was on hearing this especially as when she told her parents how hurt she was and was met with but your only there part of the time, the other are always there. She ended up leaving both homes and lived with a friend breaking off contact with both parents after feeling unwanted.

I think it’s important to balance the needs of the child and be mindful that these change as the grow. I think it’s also important that as they grow older they should get more say in how their needs are met particularly if this involves the safe space they believe they have being used when they’re not there without their knowledge because that takes away that feeling of belonging.

Two of my dgc have lived like that for 8 years, since they were 5 and 9. They seem ok with it, even though they had to put up with both parents bad-mouthing each other at times. The worst part was weekends, when they always had problems with meeting with friends, playing sports etc .

So nice to see this response. I've found myself questioning everything this morning when reading this thread. I actually started doubting what I KNOW is a really positive 50/50 set up.

To the point where I started questioning my daughter about it on our way to her dads house! She looked at the like I was bonkers and asked 'you alrite bestie?'. Hahahaha.

Thank you xx

I grew up with 50/50 and was happy with it. We pitied the children who only saw their dads every other weekend. They had such fucked-up relationships with them and later with their boyfriends - the dads spoiled them and never said no to anything or dived into happy families with other women’s kids and the EOW children were left out, which led to them re-enacting weird relationships where they craved male attention and couldn’t treat them as equals. 50/50 gives as normal a relationship with each parent as possible (obviously barring abuse or disinterest from either parent), which leads to much better balanced kids. This is why the courts do it, it’s not some quixotic ideal about fairness - it’s to give the children a fair chance at a normal relationship with each parent. A lot of men fuck this up anyway, but that shouldn’t mean the children aren’t given the chance to do it - their dads would have fucked up whatever the custody arrangements were.

@justusandmoo - you are very welcome. It's also meant I have a brilliant relationship with both my stepmum and stepdad. I was with both of them long enough to form a relationship but they both got their own time to spend with my mum/dad without me there.

Genuinely interested, So would you assume your kids would be with you most of the time?

Oh, and we took a bag of our favourite clothes with us but had plenty at each house, had our own bedrooms, took the dog with us, brought the bikes over if we wanted to. We didn’t have electronic devices as it was before they were common so nothing hugely expensive that couldn’t be moved. Went to any events/activities from either house, brought friends to either home. It felt entirely normal to us.

I think it’s sad that any parents end up going to court to agree child access rather than being able to agree it for themselves.

Obviously I know that it has to be done sometimes, I just wish that more parents would agree access without it. In order to do what is best for the children’s relationships with them.

When I split from my ex I always said that we would parent equally. He went to each of us 50/50, my only stipulation was that it not be one week on one week off but half the week and eOW, but it was flexible. If he had to go somewhere then DC stayed with me and vice versa. But we were amicable then.

It was only when he found a new partner that things started to change, because she moved her children in and fell pregnant very quickly, made it very clear it was her house and that the money my ex paid me (he paid me SM as I had given up my career to enable him to build. Career earning a 6 figure salary) was actually her money. And slagged me off at every opportunity.

Within 6 months of her moving in DC had stopped staying there during the week, and within a year they stopped staying there at all, and they see their father maybe 10 times a year at most, and he lives a 5 minute walk from here.

But. I still believe that no-one has the right to withhold their children from their other parent, and in a similar situation I would still make the same decisions.

Oh good, another thread bashing parents who share care 50/50.

Sometimes it may be the best choice for an individual family, including the child, but a load of posters will be happy to share about how in their uninformed opinion it's universally traumatic and awful and is done purely out of selfishness by the parents.

I've heard this a few times about its a shame you have to go to court to get things in place. Whilst court is stressful it's needed and each party is less likely to break the routine also firm boundaries are imposed imparticular for the non resident parent. Clearly if things were that amicable BOTH parents would still be together... mean while in real life shit happens.

Going to court shouldn't be a shamed thing. If that's what it takes well so be it.

But it’s not uninformed opinion; the majority of posts critiquing 50:50 are from people who actually loved it as children or from professionals who hear the honest opinions of children hurt by it, while the vast majority of posts praising 50:50 are from parents. That is telling. My parents split when I was young, we had semi-regular contact with my Dad growing up until he moved away when I was early teens. I couldn’t imagine splitting time between two houses and the accounts of children only referring to ‘mum’s house’ or ‘dad’s house’ rather than ‘my house’ are really sad. Absolutely kids lie to themselves as well as parents to protect the parents. When I was growing up I was adamant ‘staying together for the kids’ was rubbish, having separated parents had no ill effects and was better for everyone, and I genuinely believed that for a time and masked well, was clever as did well at school easily. As an adult with young DC now, I will not split from my DH unless things become very, very bad. Those saying they’re ‘best friends’ with their ex; I genuinely don’t see how you couldn’t manage to stay together for a few years to avoid all this stress for your children if things are so friendly?! How could you choose to have less time with your kids and put them through the trauma of a split (and it is a trauma) to split from someone you have THAT good a relationship with still? Once you have kids they come first, and yes, that might mean staying in an unfulfilling/not perfect marriage until they’re grown. It’s not their fault your feelings changed. My relationship isn’t amazing, we’re not in love and argue sometimes (away from DC), but we get on day to day, are both engaged parents, are friendly in general. We’re just not in love and are far from best friends. I’m not putting my DC through the stress of a break up and life of navigating contact etc for a chance for me to find a better relationship. That’s on me; maybe I’ll find one once they’re grown, maybe I won’t. Nesting is absolutely the best for kids as far as I can see it and it’s brutally telling how so many posters here wouldn’t even consider it. If you couldn’t live between two homes, how awful to subject your kids to it. Sure, they ‘love it’. I was super happy with my parents’ divorce as a child. As a young adult, that became clear it wasn’t actually true, although in my case I am still glad my parents split. It hurt me though, on a lifelong basis. And the main issue being ‘future partners’ is actually really upsetting to me. You put your kids first. Not yourself, not a potential future partner. If you meet one then nesting would mean you can’t live with them til the kids are grown or only on a part time basis. That is so far below the threshold of sacrifice I don’t know what to call it, but it’s what you do in order to put your kids first, have them not have to live between two homes and enable them to have as positive relationship with each parent as possible. I actually don’t think it’s outrageous if some people read this and think again about splitting up where it’s just a case of not being ‘in love’ any more. Divorce is not best for kids unless either parent can’t contain their emotions and shield kids from it or there is abuse, in which case of course divorce is better. A friendly relationship that’s not full of love is fine, and a stable home life better for kids than instability. Kids have to come first, even (!) when that means things aren’t ideal for the parents. A lot of parents lie to themselves that by putting themselves first that means they’re putting their kids first cos they’re happier. There’s some truth to that, but my god is it a convenient ‘get out of jail free’ card to prioritise yourself first and tell yourself it’s for your kids.

This.

I looked into nesting because I don't want the kids never feeling like they're at home - plus we're divorcing, the kids should be as unimpacted as is possible - but that would mean keeping the family home for the kids and buying/renting two smaller properties for me and STBX to live in when not nesting. It's very expensive.

I think now the best solution is EOW at STBX's with him being responsible for them alternating 2-3 school days a week until after dinner. So either at mine or his, but they sleep at mine. This means the responsibility is more fairly shared but the kids don't go back and forwards as much.

I know it'll mean me seeing him more but I can suck it up if it's better for the kids.

What I'm not going to do is take all the responsibility, deal with all the drudgery of rearing kids, while they miss him and he plays Disney Dad (which he would) and has loads of free time. There are practical, exhausting aspects to parenting and I think the idea of 50-50 is attractive because kids see both parents and both parents get a break (which is fair). But I'm not convinced for my kids that they'll do well with regularly changing homes.

I do know some kids who do 50-50 and seem ok with it. So I'm not bashing anyone if works for.

*EOW = every other WEEKEND

I have a colleague who is doing this. They have retained the family home and bought one flat, which the parents live in alternate weeks.

It sounds awful to me, but if you do it anyother way that's effectively the life the children are living.

I mean if you do 50:50 any other way

I don’t know personally. However, my friend and her sisters used to live for two weeks with their mum and two weeks at their dad’s. They seemed happy enough with seeing them both equally although seemed to prefer the dad. However, from an outside point of view, it always looked very chaotic and like they didn’t really have a base. It was like they were going on holiday in changeover day and they were always leaving things at the ‘other’ house. Weird set up but that’s just my view.

@EhUpDuck What a load of martyred bullshit.

Couldn't put it any better myself!

Before anyone tries to extrapolate too much from the 'I know lots of 50/50 kids and they're all miserable/self-harming etc' posts...

Statistically children from lone parent families are more likely to live in poverty, more likely to live in temporary accommodation, more likely to suffer mental health concerns, more likely to be excluded from school.
But we wouldn't extrapolate from that 'therefore you should never be a lone parent and you're only thinking of yourself if you do'.

As others have said, children's unhappiness attributed to 50/50 may well stem from the marital breakdown in general - the impact of new partners, acrimonious parental relationships etc - all of which may well exist without 50/50.

I guess its easy to criticise 50/50 parenting on MN though if you're assuming the EOW parent will be the dad, never the mum. But in real life not every mum is a SAHP. Not every dad is a philandering loser.

I was one of those kids. My homework was a pita. I had usually left something at the other parents that I needed.

Same with clothes. Pe kits etc.

You have to be ultra organised

You keep telling yourself your kids love it.

@Revolvingwhore how on EARTH do you figure that you know how another woman's kids are feeling? It's absolutely beyond me that someone would come online and deliberately try to make someone feel like s*.

I’m about to read the thread to see, but normally on here they tend to go the same way

”it’s bad for the kids, they should me mainly with one parent”
”can that be the dad?”
”oh no! Definitely not”

😂 how did you guess!!?