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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend won’t let me meet his friends…

153 replies

beccberry24 · 17/08/2022 14:57

So I’ve been with my boyfriend coming up a year now, he’s at my house every single day after work & we spend weekends together. He’s met my children, my family & my friends, overall things are good BUT he for some reason won’t let me meet his friends. I’ve taken him out with me when I’ve been out with my friends a few times now but I’m still get to meet his. I’ve mentioned it quite a few times now & he just says it’s ‘lads night’ & no girlfriends are going. I’ve met his family & daughter (we have her at the weekend) & it’s public knowledge we’re together even on social media but his friends it’s like they’ve got the plague & I’ve gotta stay away (that’s how I feel lol) … we’ve recently had an argument where he’s said he’s going out with his mates on Friday & I jokingly said ‘oh thanks for the invite’ he’s then took that as me saying he’s not going out & im being controlling like his ex?!!! Wtfff lol I just dont know why it’s such an issue for me to meet them, I wanna know more about him & what kinda people he surrounds himself with. I know I can trust him a million zillion percent that’s not an issue but the not meeting them is for me. I just find it so weird, am I being unreasonable?? Help lol

OP posts:
Eunorition · 17/08/2022 15:02

Yep, creepy red flag. Does he put any pics of you on social?

Some men like to convey an aura that they're still single. So no public photos, no mention of you and no group invites. Or he's told them all you're 'not really serious' so he can still give off that he's available.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 17/08/2022 15:03

My guess is he has a weekend habit he wants keeping from you...

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 17/08/2022 15:04

I had the same experience and it was because he knew his friends would tell me about his coke habit and who he was chatting up when they went out. There's never any good reason to hide friends like that. Does he tell you anything about them?

orangeisthenewpuce · 17/08/2022 15:05

I'd never invite a boyfriend or OH on a night out with all female friends so I understand why he wouldn't invite you. Couldn't you have a night out with your friends on the same night and arrange to meet up at the end of the night? Unless there is an actual social event that his friends attend there is no reason to meet them imo.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2022 15:06

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 17/08/2022 15:03

My guess is he has a weekend habit he wants keeping from you...

Yup. His friends know where all the bodies are buried. He wants to keep you as far away from them as possible. I'd be very, very wary.

Eunorition · 17/08/2022 15:06

@orangeisthenewpuce there's no way he's had an entire year of 'guys only ' nights, and he's already avoided her attempts to arrange mixed ones. A year is a long time.

Takenoprisoner · 17/08/2022 15:09

So he spends every evening and weekend at yours and now his daughter is over at weekends also. Can I ask whether he contributes financially at all as he seems to have moved in? If he doesn't contribute you have bigger problems than not meeting his friends.

Original poster
beccberry24 · 17/08/2022 15:11

Thankyou for your replies, he doesn’t really go out but when he does it’s lads night only. They’ve asked previously for us to go out but it just never happens, yeah he’s posted me on socials & his WhatsApp picture is us aswell. He’s not shady or anything around his phone & if he did do anything like coke or whatever he would probs tell me he’s pretty open like that but just meeting them in general it’s a no go for some reason.

I do have girls nights without him but my friends has invited him due to it being an occasion or whatever. I went out for my birthday with just my friends & he ended up coming at the end of the night but his birthday I wasn’t invited or asked to meet him etc. So I don’t know it’s just strange 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
FlyingSaucerss · 17/08/2022 15:11

Maybe he has none?

toomuchlaundry · 17/08/2022 15:11

I assume you don't look after his daughter when he is out

neverbeenskiing · 17/08/2022 15:13

You've been together a year and haven't met a single one of his friends? He's hiding something.

You said he comes round to yours every night. Have you ever actually been to his home?

Original poster
beccberry24 · 17/08/2022 15:13

I thought that too about the no friends thing but he does haha he plays bloody PlayStation & his mates on there so he defo knows about me. He pays toward food etc when he’s here so he’s not bad like that .. also when we have his daughter he’s with me & we take her out etc I treat her as my own. He’s even posted TikTok’s about me so I’m not hidden just not allowed to meet his mates /:

OP posts:
Arewerelated · 17/08/2022 15:14

This happened to me- I couldn't fathom what was going on as I had met his family. Spent Xmas with him.

Eventually it came to light that he was trying to maintain an image of singleness as he was attempting to get together with a woman who was in his wider circle of friends.

Hes been with her 3 years now, I wish I'd have had someone tell me what a wally I was being for accepting not meeting his friends.

Original poster
beccberry24 · 17/08/2022 15:14

Yeah been to his house, met his mum, dad, nanas, grandads baby mum the lot lol .. we went on holiday with my family 4 weeks ago so it’s pretty serious haha

OP posts:
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 17/08/2022 15:15

Cringey that you say you treat his dc like your own.

What sort of bf takes his dd out but not you his gf?
Glorified free childcare provider op..
Nothing more.

Raise your bar.

neverbeenskiing · 17/08/2022 15:16

You're not "pretty serious" if he's actively hiding a big part of his life from you. I cannot think of a single innocent explanation for why you're not "allowed" to meet his friends. It's really odd behaviour.

orangeisthenewpuce · 17/08/2022 15:17

@orangeisthenewpuce there's no way he's had an entire year of 'guys only ' nights, and he's already avoided her attempts to arrange mixed ones. A year is a long time.

Why not? I went out every single week with my mates in my 30's and 40's. The only way my friends met any boyfriends was at the end of the night. Some never met one I went out with for 3 years. There was no need to.

FlyingSaucerss · 17/08/2022 15:17

Do you go to his house?

toomuchlaundry · 17/08/2022 15:19

How old is his DD?

45hopperbunny · 17/08/2022 15:19

beccberry24 · 17/08/2022 15:11

Thankyou for your replies, he doesn’t really go out but when he does it’s lads night only. They’ve asked previously for us to go out but it just never happens, yeah he’s posted me on socials & his WhatsApp picture is us aswell. He’s not shady or anything around his phone & if he did do anything like coke or whatever he would probs tell me he’s pretty open like that but just meeting them in general it’s a no go for some reason.

I do have girls nights without him but my friends has invited him due to it being an occasion or whatever. I went out for my birthday with just my friends & he ended up coming at the end of the night but his birthday I wasn’t invited or asked to meet him etc. So I don’t know it’s just strange 🤷🏻‍♀️

I actually don’t find the last paragraph weird at all.

Can I ask how old you guys are? I’m just asking because I’m 23 and ex DP is 26. Neither of us met each other’s friends for the two years we were together. It was only when I got pregnant that he met my friends and vice versa. I also think a lot of people in their early 20s aren’t quick to actually arrange for their friends to meet their gfs/bfs.

That doesn’t mean they’re hiding you or doing anything dodgy but I wouldn’t have expected a birthday invite from my bfs friend. However if you’re like mid 30s and older, then I think it’s a different story because things like that seem to be more important as you get older

neverbeenskiing · 17/08/2022 15:20

met his mum, dad, nanas, grandads baby mum the lot lol ..

I'm guessing there are things his friends know about him that his family don't.

OP, tell him you've decided you're having a get together, a BBQ or something and inviting a few fiends round, tell him to invite some of his friends and watch his reaction. I bet he panics.

Original poster
beccberry24 · 17/08/2022 15:21

I mean treat his daughter as my own because we have her every weekend, she’s lovely I love her to bits she’s a joy to have I treat her just like my own children I wouldn’t have it any other way .. & yes I have been to his, he lives with his dad & brother but he’s mainly at mine when he’s not working. His dad was here weekend gone as he’d nipped in to see us

OP posts:
UrslaB · 17/08/2022 15:21

Okay, I am going to have an unpopular opinion here. I think you are owed an actual explanation for why he isn't keen on you mixing with his mates and meeting his friends because without that legitimate reason it makes it seem like he is hiding something. Has he a drug habit, is he afraid of his friends informing you of less pleasant aspects of his past/personality, or is there something unpleasant about the friends he associates with? Maybe none of these but genuine suspicions are warranted without a proper conversation about the issue.

However... I can also see where he might have totally innocent reasons for his actions. I had a bad experience in a previous relationship where I went through a messy breakup and people I considered my friends felt torn between loyalty to me and my ex who they had become friendly with so it actually damaged our friendhips and I drifted from a few friends who I never really see anymore. In subsequent relationships I was always very clear about keeping my friends and my girlfriends seperate so that my romantic life and my friendships/social connections didn't clash. I was up front and explained this to my partners at the time however. Some were fine with it some weren't. My current partner and I were together for almost two years before she met my friends group and to this day she doesn't mix with them but for very rare social events such as weddings, Paries where she is invited or large scale nights out to gigs etc. I actually think it is very healthy to have a seperate friends group to your relationship. She has her friends and I have mine. The two rarely mix and thus we have lives outside of each other which we can discuss and which allows us to keep some independence. Our relationship is going strong for four years now and it works for us so if your fella has a legitimate reason why he wnats to keep his friends circle seperate from you then I can understand wanting that dynamic and find it entriely reasonable to do so. It is unreasonable however for him not to explain this and communicate it openly.

10HailMarys · 17/08/2022 15:22

I suspect his mates are a bunch of knobheads and he doesn't want you to know that. My guess is that they all get loud and obnoxious and gross when they have a few a drinks and he a) doesn't want you to be offended or b) thinks you won't like his 'lads night out' persona, which is probably quite different from his 'boyfriend' persona.

ellyoctober · 17/08/2022 15:22

Rather quick to be treating his DD as your own isn't it?