Boyfriend won’t let me meet his friends…

[beccberry24]

So I’ve been with my boyfriend coming up a year now, he’s at my house every single day after work & we spend weekends together. He’s met my children, my family & my friends, overall things are good BUT he for some reason won’t let me meet his friends. I’ve taken him out with me when I’ve been out with my friends a few times now but I’m still get to meet his. I’ve mentioned it quite a few times now & he just says it’s ‘lads night’ & no girlfriends are going. I’ve met his family & daughter (we have her at the weekend) & it’s public knowledge we’re together even on social media but his friends it’s like they’ve got the plague & I’ve gotta stay away (that’s how I feel lol) … we’ve recently had an argument where he’s said he’s going out with his mates on Friday & I jokingly said ‘oh thanks for the invite’ he’s then took that as me saying he’s not going out & im being controlling like his ex?!!! Wtfff lol I just dont know why it’s such an issue for me to meet them, I wanna know more about him & what kinda people he surrounds himself with. I know I can trust him a million zillion percent that’s not an issue but the not meeting them is for me. I just find it so weird, am I being unreasonable?? Help lol

I just genuinely don't understand why you're peppering your speech with lol and haha? I've never come across it. It's very, very strange. Why?

(Gotta etc is very annoying but I've come across this before).

He’s too into his fitness for this I think, he’s doesn’t even smoke lol will barely take a paracetamol

Grandad's baby mum? His grandad is going around having babies? How weird.

I think either him & mates like to be 16 again when they go out & he's horrified that they'll regale you with tales of daft things they've done when he wants to be grown up with you, OR the ex was very controlling & he doesn't ever want that to happen again. He seems lovely in that you've met family etc, I don't think he's hiding anything.

30 is too old to have a relationship where you haven’t been allowed to meet a single friend of his. Very immature, and does not seem serious at all. He is refusing for a reason. Instead of being so proud of you that he wants his friends to meet you, he is making up excuses.

He's too young for you, emotionally.

-He's 24 and lives at home with his dad. (Why doesn't he get his own place?)

-He has a job ( you say a 'business' but I'd guess that means he is self-employed in a trade maybe?)

-He has a 2 year old, but only sees her at weekends (when you step in and help amuse her.) So he was a father at 22 and has split with the mother of his DD.

This may be harsh but why would a red blooded male prefer to sleep at his dad's house when you are offering him a bed and sex every night?

And a meal on the table after work?

And helping with his childcare at weekends?

You- it's not reasonable to say you treat his child as your own daughter. This is a new relationship. She is a young child and you are not her substitute mum. She already has a mum.

It doesn't look as if you are a 'family' as it is far too soon for that. This man is still living at home, but coming to your house for sex, food and an alternative to his Dad's house.

I don't think his being with his friends on a Friday night is the issue.
The real issue is he's not emotionally in a relationship.
Not to the extent you think he is.

And if his ex tried to clip his wings and control him, I'm inclined to think he's in the right here, because FGS he was only 22-23 then!

Many lads are coming out of uni at that age and nowhere near ready to settle down to a cosy night in and warm slippers.

Sorry but you need to extract yourself. It's not so much the age gap as the life experience gap and different expectations.

This is not going to work out long term.

Sorry 💐

@beccberry24 , what would happen if you sat down and said, seriously, "I don't mind that you have a social life, but it's really important to me that I meet your friends. I'd like to host a party so that they can meet me. If it's too far to do it here, I'd like to have a dinner out in the town with them and with some of my friends too" ?

If you're so serious that you're looking after his child and talking about marriage, you need to be able to have this kind of conversation.

And ’granddad’s baby mum’..?

So even on a night out he will come back to your house at 3am and disturb you rather than go home? And he brings his 2 year old to your house every single weekend when it is his turn for contact?

He has effectively moved in, just failed to confirm it with you so he does not have to contribute fairly to the rent, finances, utility bills etc. He is also avoiding parenting his child by never actually spending any time with her on his own.

He has definitely landed on his feet with you, housekeeper, nanny, cook. Or am I wrong, and he is tripping over himself trying to offer you money and cook at least 3 nights a week?

I think not meeting his friends is the least of your worries.

Communication? What a novel idea @Nancydrawn ! Ha.

Honestly, without any type of communication you could assume anything from an affair or wanting to shield you from his obnoxious and immature friends, to previous relationship baggage or anything between.

Based on your responses OP (how he blew up about the off-handed remark), it sounds like previous relationship baggage to me, but I have very little to go on. Sounds like he may have lost his own personal space and identity via a wife that was overbearing and suspicious due to her own insecurities. But that is a huge leap for me to make lol, but I try not to ascribe malice to what could be ignorance. Nobody has any way of knowing what is going on in his mind, nor does he have any way of knowing your thoughts, unless you communicate them clearly.

Either he doesn't want you to know something they know or them to know something you do!!

the fact he still lives at home with his dad makes me wonder whether he’s just a Cocklodger? It’s very common and convenient for a young guy who can’t yet rent his own place, to hook up with an older woman so that he has somewhere to go rather than always be at home with his father/parents

Oh for the love of God. He's hiding something - probably another girlfriend that is his 'lad's girlfriend' while your the officially approved girlfriend. Run.

If they are all lads and they don’t do mixed sex evenings, why would he drag you along when the others don’t take theirs? They might have no interest in expanding their group, or going to parties etc. Could be it’s genuinely just lads nights only.

Absolutely this!

What’s he got to hide?

A "nice relationship"????

This man is pretty much a cocklodger. He has his own place - but he's always at OP's, she looks after his DC - I bet she cooks for him, he doesn't contribute a penny, & I wouldn't be surprised if his washing ends up being done by OP too.

Meantime, he never takes her out, won't tell her where he's going, hasn't introduced her to even one of his pals - & calls her "controlling" when she asks why.

Sounds like he enjoys OP's charms & hospitality without offering a thing in return.

Do his friends only ever meet up in some sort of macho boozing wolfpack? Does he never go for a pizza or to a gig or the cinema with a mate, where it would feel right for you (and mate's partner) to come along?

That's what I find weird.

Gently - could it be he’s not really wanting his mates to meet you because you’re older? And he’s afraid they might take the piss out of him? I don’t see an issue with it personally - but at 23, they could still be very immature….

Exactly, @Monr0e
A cocklodger in all but his name on the bills.

He doesn’t see you as a long term prospect. He gets to not feel like he lives with his dad, doesn’t have to do his own childcare and is probably embarrassed either of your age or his immature mates. 24 year olds on a lads night isn’t something I’d be keen to go in even when I was 24. You’re childcare and warm bed but not wife or partner material to him.

I’ll go with this, a bunch of single knob head mates, can say all sorts of rubbish when they are pissed, the sort I wouldn’t want to meet. Youve met his family, they are fine let it go, do not start an argument over it.

I have friends my husband has never ever met....why would he they're my friends ?

He also has friends I've never met.

Honestly I don't see the issue here OP why are you obsessed with his friends?

(OH and I've been married a very long time )

Can't stand relationships that you have to be joined at the hips.

Says a lot doesn't it? About the casual attitude to having children and being childish themselves. He's not a good bet.

There is a difference between not meeting their friends, and actively keeping you away from them. It's not about being joined at the hip. It's about having stuff to hide.