Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend won’t let me meet his friends…

153 replies

beccberry24 · 17/08/2022 14:57

So I’ve been with my boyfriend coming up a year now, he’s at my house every single day after work & we spend weekends together. He’s met my children, my family & my friends, overall things are good BUT he for some reason won’t let me meet his friends. I’ve taken him out with me when I’ve been out with my friends a few times now but I’m still get to meet his. I’ve mentioned it quite a few times now & he just says it’s ‘lads night’ & no girlfriends are going. I’ve met his family & daughter (we have her at the weekend) & it’s public knowledge we’re together even on social media but his friends it’s like they’ve got the plague & I’ve gotta stay away (that’s how I feel lol) … we’ve recently had an argument where he’s said he’s going out with his mates on Friday & I jokingly said ‘oh thanks for the invite’ he’s then took that as me saying he’s not going out & im being controlling like his ex?!!! Wtfff lol I just dont know why it’s such an issue for me to meet them, I wanna know more about him & what kinda people he surrounds himself with. I know I can trust him a million zillion percent that’s not an issue but the not meeting them is for me. I just find it so weird, am I being unreasonable?? Help lol

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 17/08/2022 18:03

He thinks his mates are too immature for you - or he is worried about his mates thinking about you being a lot older than him.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 17/08/2022 18:11

Sounds like either he's got another partner or you're not his girlfriend tbh

Chickychoccyegg · 17/08/2022 18:13

I go out with my friends and dh goes out with his friends, literally the only time we'd go out in couples is to an event such as a party or wedding, I dont think it's at all strange you haven't met his friends,I've not seen any of dhs friends in around 3 or 4 years now

Puffalicious · 17/08/2022 18:16

KatyWaits · 17/08/2022 17:19

He's too young for you, emotionally.

-He's 24 and lives at home with his dad. (Why doesn't he get his own place?)

-He has a job ( you say a 'business' but I'd guess that means he is self-employed in a trade maybe?)

-He has a 2 year old, but only sees her at weekends (when you step in and help amuse her.) So he was a father at 22 and has split with the mother of his DD.

This may be harsh but why would a red blooded male prefer to sleep at his dad's house when you are offering him a bed and sex every night?

And a meal on the table after work?

And helping with his childcare at weekends?

You- it's not reasonable to say you treat his child as your own daughter. This is a new relationship. She is a young child and you are not her substitute mum. She already has a mum.

It doesn't look as if you are a 'family' as it is far too soon for that. This man is still living at home, but coming to your house for sex, food and an alternative to his Dad's house.

I don't think his being with his friends on a Friday night is the issue.
The real issue is he's not emotionally in a relationship.
Not to the extent you think he is.

And if his ex tried to clip his wings and control him, I'm inclined to think he's in the right here, because FGS he was only 22-23 then!

Many lads are coming out of uni at that age and nowhere near ready to settle down to a cosy night in and warm slippers.

Sorry but you need to extract yourself. It's not so much the age gap as the life experience gap and different expectations.

This is not going to work out long term.

Sorry 💐

This is bang on!

JocelynBurnell · 17/08/2022 18:18

beccberry24 · Today 15:14
Yeah been to his house, met his mum, dad, nanas, grandads, baby mum, the lot lol .. we went on holiday with my family 4 weeks ago so it’s pretty serious haha

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · Today 16:57
Grandad's baby mum? His grandad is going around having babies? How weird.

Does the comma help?

Stroopwaffle5000 · 17/08/2022 18:23

I've asked my OH and his guess is that your DP's friends are arseholes and he turns into a bit of an arsehole when he's around them 🤣

SunshineLoving · 17/08/2022 18:24

Do you think he's embarrassed by you? Think his friends will judge you or judge him for being with you? Sorry, I know that's not a nice thought but that's nearly the only reason I can think of after reading your posts.

The other reason could be that his friends fancy you and he doesn't trust them around you. Or they take drugs/drink too much/do questionable things.

It could be that his back his up because his ex didn't let him see his friends. But you have asked countless times now and so he knows it's important to you. I would be seriously questioning the relationship if I was you.

CloudCatz · 17/08/2022 18:26

If I were going out for a night with my friend's just women, I wouldn't even think to invite DP.

But then he's never met my friends and I've only seen his in passing. I have no interest in knowing or having any kind of friendship with his friends.

I like keeping friends separate, personally.

Triffid1 · 17/08/2022 18:31

He sleeps at yours most nights but just contributes to food? Wow, he's real generous.

I think it's very very odd. Suspect he doesn't want you meet them because they're not very nice and/or he's not very nice when he's with them. or he hasn't told them about the age gap. I mean, if nothing else, surely the odd one would come over for dinner or a bbq or something?

EtnaVesuvius · 17/08/2022 18:36

He’s said from day one he wants to marry me

Forget the friends, this is the biggest red flag.

Cosycover · 17/08/2022 18:36

I have a friend who's been with his gf for almost 10 years. They have two kids. And I've never met her.

Because he takes drugs and doesn't want her to know.

EtnaVesuvius · 17/08/2022 18:37

OP, his previous girlfriend was controlling yet her 2-year-old spends every weekend with her dad and his new gf?

Iflyaway · 17/08/2022 18:39

He’s said from day one he wants to marry me

Red flag right there!

Yet a year in you've met none of his friends? O.k.

He's got a nice little number going with you eh?

You have children yet letting a guy stay most of the week without helping out for the higher bills that would produce. He's basically stealing from you and your kids. Think about that.

Also, he should be building up a relationship with his child without resorting to his latest girlfriend to take her on.

I reckon he's not letting you meet his friends cos they're chatting/meeting other women so he's keeping his options open.

All these things are nothing to lol about. Sorry Op.

balalake · 17/08/2022 18:41

I think he is hiding something.

EtnaVesuvius · 17/08/2022 18:43

All these things are nothing to lol about

Quite!

LadyCampanulaTottington · 17/08/2022 18:45

OP do you happen to be overweight or obese?

The only reason I’m asking is because this happened to my friend. Her DP knew that his friends would be arseholes and make fun of her for being chubby. So he kept her away from them so she wouldn’t have to listen to juvenile shite and possibly be hurt.

He eventually got new friends.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 17/08/2022 18:51

JocelynBurnell · 17/08/2022 18:18

beccberry24 · Today 15:14
Yeah been to his house, met his mum, dad, nanas, grandads, baby mum, the lot lol .. we went on holiday with my family 4 weeks ago so it’s pretty serious haha

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · Today 16:57
Grandad's baby mum? His grandad is going around having babies? How weird.

Does the comma help?

It does! Thank you! To be fair another poster thought the same. It's like Eats Shoots and Leaves (maybe he does that!) or helping your Uncle Jack off a horse. Don't forget to capitalise proper nouns, now! 😂

Blueblell · 17/08/2022 18:52

Up thread I assumed he was older not sure why. However, as he is 24 and plays online I am also wondering if his friends are a bit nerdy (nothing wrong with nerds) and he is hesitating for you to meet them for that reason.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/08/2022 19:00

catandcoffee · 17/08/2022 18:02

I have friends my husband has never ever met....why would he they're my friends ?

He also has friends I've never met.

Honestly I don't see the issue here OP why are you obsessed with his friends?

(OH and I've been married a very long time )

Can't stand relationships that you have to be joined at the hips.

I doubt you have never met any of each other's friends though @catandcoffee
Or kicked off about your spouse being "controlling" if you have the temerity to wonder why ...

KettrickenSmiled · 17/08/2022 19:04

Chickychoccyegg · 17/08/2022 18:13

I go out with my friends and dh goes out with his friends, literally the only time we'd go out in couples is to an event such as a party or wedding, I dont think it's at all strange you haven't met his friends,I've not seen any of dhs friends in around 3 or 4 years now

Not a comparable situation @Chickychoccyegg

You are not actively keeping a barrier between your friends & your spouse.
Neither is one of you cocklodging off the other, & your husband is not refusing to go on on any nights out with you, preferrng a cheap night in at the home you solely pay for.

SunnyD44 · 17/08/2022 19:08

He’s said from day one he wants to marry me

Red flag right there!

I agree!

I don’t think the friend thing is an issue on its own.

But there are a lot of other red flags and putting them altogether doesn’t look good at all!

What I can’t get over is how much time he (and his daughter) stay at OPs.

Does he contribute to any bills?

JocelynBurnell · 17/08/2022 19:16

beccberry24 · 17/08/2022 15:31

Exactly that, it just doesn’t make any sense. I’ve even asked my friends & they find it weird too! He’s said from day one he wants to marry me, do I meet his mates at our wedding or still never? 🤣

This is a huge red flag.

You need to ask yourself why he was so quick to want to seal the deal and hurry things along from day one?

Was he looking for a place to stay, a cooked meal and help with his childcare? A lot of his problems were immediately solved.

AMindNeedsBooks · 17/08/2022 19:39

Nancydrawn · 17/08/2022 17:19

@beccberry24 , what would happen if you sat down and said, seriously, "I don't mind that you have a social life, but it's really important to me that I meet your friends. I'd like to host a party so that they can meet me. If it's too far to do it here, I'd like to have a dinner out in the town with them and with some of my friends too" ?

If you're so serious that you're looking after his child and talking about marriage, you need to be able to have this kind of conversation.

Have not read every single comment but I completely agree with this one. If you tell him it's important to you (and really with the above suggestion it's just a group of males/females socialising - not a formal dinner party or anything intense!) and his response to something that is important to you will tell you what you need to know.

I know PP mention you 'treating DD as your own' but I'm assuming you mean you just don't differentiate between her and your DC when they are together? Completely normal and the right thing to do. PP would be up in arms if you made a point of treating her differently.

I still use 'lol' occasionally when I feel I need to lighten a comment as I'm unsure how it will be interpreted. Not the most intelligent way to write, but it's not as if you're sending a professional letter and you come across as a nicer person than some on here so I wouldn't give it much thought!

I also don't think there is anything wrong with him living at home at 24, especially when he has a DD to financially provide for and I can only assume a business that's in it's infancy, I'm guessing this isn't his long term plan. (On that note, should you ever move in together I'd have a frank discussion what is expected in terms of finances, housework and childcare well before hand - this is a must).

Definitely tell him how important this is to you, if he still refuses to meet or refuses to even give you an explanation I would rethink his commitment.

oviraptor21 · 17/08/2022 20:06

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 17/08/2022 18:02

Says a lot doesn't it? About the casual attitude to having children and being childish themselves. He's not a good bet.

Show quote history

Or maybe just a punctuation typo but let's all jump to conclusions.
"Grandads, baby's mum" (presumably the ex)

Fwiw I don't think it's a massive problem but I haven't seen what his response is if you ask him why not? If distance is an issue then why not just meet up in the same area where he usually meets up with them. Or maybe pin it down to just his best mate - does his best mate have a gf and you could go out as a four?

Braveheart35 · 17/08/2022 21:38

You say you get on with his ex/mother of DD, not casually ask her what his friends are like?

Swipe left for the next trending thread