Stranger offering to hold baby

[Dove88]

I’ve been to a very small countryside cafe this morning with my 6 month old. There was a few people in the queue that were all together in a group. They were all women of 60+ and obviously part of some sort of social/hobby group.
I got talking to one and my DD was smiling away at her. She asked if she could hold DD whilst I ordered and got my purse out of my bag. I accepted and carried on talking to her whilst I paid etc then took DD back and said goodbye.
My other mum friend who was already sat at the table said there’s no way she would’ve allowed that. Even though I was stood right next to the woman the whole time and my judgement of her was that she was just a friendly older lady who wanted to help.
AIBU to allow this?

I spend a lot of time fighting this idea that most people are dangerous. If we're out in public, DD will check in with me re what to do if we're separated. One of her clubs talks about child safety quite a lot, which is great, but one issue I have is that they bang on and on about finding a woman with children if you're lost and not going to a man. It's such bollocks. I mean sure, go to a woman first f you can, but I am trying to teach her that if she needs help, a man absolutely COULD be the right person to help her.

Your friend is crazy. And precious. And paranoid. And we are doing our children no favours if we teach them that most people are dangerous.

It was a group of older ladies, standing right next to you, offering help. Hardly a risky situation, surely?!!

If you'd left your baby with her whilst eg popping to the loo then that would have been a risk, but standing right next to her, no!!

Your friend sounds a tad OTT!

Friendly cafe lady sounds nice. The attitude of your friend is why most people don't bother to offer to help, which is a shame. I often think to offer to help, my kids are older but it's not easy to forget the struggles of juggling a baby. But the thought of someone looking at me horrified as though i will either kidnap the baby or give it the plague puts me off massively.

YABVU and your friend is totally right. Millions of babies a year are captured by 60+ women in cafés while the parents stand by helplessly. Most of them never return.

Ha, I once not only let the old lady hold the baby in a cafe but then I had my entire coffee and cake alone while the lady held the baby, as everyone was happy with the arrangement and I was only a few metres away!

You might have to ask. I'd definitely offer except I've read too many MN threads about the temerity of the baby's actual relatives asking for a hold and the pile on about it how it's perfectly reasonable for them not ever to hold the baby to ever risk it. I honestly would fear being shouted at or treated like a weirdo just for trying to be kind.

I worry about how insular some children will grow up if not allowed even the slightest interaction with strangers.n

I got talking to one and my DD was smiling away at her. She asked if she could hold DD whilst I ordered and got my purse out of my bag. I accepted and carried on talking to her whilst I paid etc then took DD back and said goodbye.
My other mum friend who was already sat at the table said there’s no way she would’ve allowed that. Even though I was stood right next to the woman the whole time and my judgement of her was that she was just a friendly older lady who wanted to help.

What a lovely story, @Dove88

And I'd love to see a Venn diagram of MN posters who think that

a) this was a terrible thing, no way would a stranger woman hold my baby!

and

b) I just have to use the disabled spaces on public transport, because how else can I collapse my pram and hold my baby and hang onto my shopping and stay upright? Wail wail

It's totally up to you. I personally wouldn't let anyone hold my baby, but that's more of an irrational thing. Probably not much danger in letting an old lady hold the baby (other than germs maybe?).

I had a toddler and twin babies so they were held by anyone and everyone. Probably would have freaked out when I only had one dc though but that’s more about how anxious I was.

Probably not much danger in letting an old lady hold the baby (other than germs maybe?).

Oh yes, because of course us 60 year old OLD ladies are just spreading germs by even daring to exist.

MN never fails to deliver on the ageism. You'll be an "old lady" at 60 one day @Imaginary. At least you'd better hope you will be; the alternative's worse.

PS This "old lady" is fitter, faster, and stronger than her 20-something undergraduates. Also cleverer and more productive.

In South Africa, where I grew up, random strangers holding and cuddling your baby is normal. And in restaurants, it's pretty common for there to be play areas or activities that are staffed so that you can more or less abandon your child and get on with your lovely meal and wine!

I find the paranoia you see in some corners of England v v weird. What happened to people more or less looking out for each other? Rather than being deeply suspicious of each other. It's so odd.

I LOVE it when lovely strangers coo over my baby, especially elderly women and men who often stop and tell me about their children and grandchildren. Usually put in their own. I turn baby DD out to interact with them and will have a chat with them. I don’t want DD growing up in a world where people don’t speak to each other.

The older generation think nothing of doing this, but times have changed. I’m always telling my parents to stop interacting with strangers and getting involved in stuff that isn’t their business. I would have said no thanks and wouldn’t have let them hold my baby.

Yeah, more people like your parents, please. If you think people might be touchy if you offer to hold the baby you could always say "can i help you with something" though.

Nothing wrong with it!! I've held toddler's hands while mum struggled with baby, shopping, car door etc

Yes, because women over child-bearing age are all filthy, right?

I very much think Imaginary thinks anyone has germs, but in this context the person happens to be a 60yo woman.

I hardly think being 60 makes someone an old lady.

Something similar happened in Spain when my youngest was about 13 months. She was grizzling and unhappy. Our lovely waiter took her and waltzed her around the restaurant, showing her things and making her smile. It was so lovely!

Waiting to board a flight back from Cape Town to the UK a black lady with a baby asked if I would hold him while she went to the loo - had a lovely cuddle with the baby - boy of about 6 months. Husband said "you will have a lot of explaining to do if she does not return and collect him!" The thought had never crossed my mind (until then). Back she came and said "thank you - you looked such a lovely couple I knew I could trust you with him. (We were actually celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary.)

Seems like I hit a nerve, lol. Sorry you're feeling self-conscious about your age and see agism where there isn't any.

I didn't mean germs are specific to old ladies. Any stranger can have them. An old lady is a stranger.

As an older woman I usually ask if I can help if I see someone who’s struggling a bit trying to do something and manage a child at the same time. Sometimes they will keep their baby and ask if I’ll carry their bag or food tray, sometimes they hand over baby and deal with the other stuff, sometimes they’ll say no thanks I’m fine. It’s all good the offer is there if they want it, I remember my struggling times in cafes or on buses and older women helped me out so I’m just paying it forward. I have my own grandchildren to cuddle so no ulterior motive, but extra cuddles are always nice, I just see it as offering a helping hand.

I was recently in a supermarket checkout queue behind a mum who was struggling to put her items on the conveyor belt because she was holding a young baby. I offered to help – meaning load the conveyor about with her items, but she just gave me the baby to hold without hesitation. Was nice to hold a baby again as mine are both teens/twenties now but she was clearly glad so the help too.

When mine were tiny we took a lot of long haul flights due to living abroad for work, I will always be eternally grateful for the May willing hand to cuddle, bounce, read to and walk up and down with them. I'm now in the age bracket these ladies were and I would offer to hold a baby if the mum is struggling with the bag and wallet, and did hold a baby on my last flight so the line parent could eat.

Your friend would have been appalled at me. When I had a 6 month old, I left her with an elderly female cafe worker whilst I nipped across the road to the cash point! She’s 5 now and doesn’t appear to have lasting trauma!