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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stranger offering to hold baby

277 replies

Dove88 · 17/08/2022 13:35

I’ve been to a very small countryside cafe this morning with my 6 month old. There was a few people in the queue that were all together in a group. They were all women of 60+ and obviously part of some sort of social/hobby group.
I got talking to one and my DD was smiling away at her. She asked if she could hold DD whilst I ordered and got my purse out of my bag. I accepted and carried on talking to her whilst I paid etc then took DD back and said goodbye.
My other mum friend who was already sat at the table said there’s no way she would’ve allowed that. Even though I was stood right next to the woman the whole time and my judgement of her was that she was just a friendly older lady who wanted to help.
AIBU to allow this?

OP posts:
Ohbuggeritsme · 17/08/2022 14:11

I think it's lovely that you let her hold your baby. She was only trying to be helpful
I was at a wedding recently and a mum was there with her 4 week old baby. She was trying to ear her food one handed, I had finished my meal so went over to her table and offered to hold the baby whilst she ate. She let me and was very grateful. I was careful to stay where she was sat and had a very lovely cuddle x

FlyingSaucerss · 17/08/2022 14:12

I wouldn’t have let a stranger hold my baby and I have 4 kids and never needed help like this so I don’t think it’s inevitable that the friend will like some have suggested but I don’t care what others do just wouldn’t have personally said yes

WinterMusings · 17/08/2022 14:14

Dove88 · 17/08/2022 14:02

Thank you all! Thought I was going abit mad to be honest and was doubting my instincts

@QforCucumber that was my thought when she said it! Her baby was happy in his pram and her coffee already on the table but she just sat there and watched it happen then acted like I was a terrible mother! The only reason I went out with her in the first place is she doesn’t have any other mum friends and I felt bad

It's pretty clear why she doesn't have any friends!
maybe she has PND or something, so we shouldn't be too mean about her. But she has no right to criticise you while she just sits smugly watching you.

she either needs help or isn't a very nice person.

don't adopt her mindset. People really don't hang around in crowds to snatch babies!!! Especially not groups if 60+ yo women in cafes!

As much as I like a cuddle, I'm happy to hand them back these days (53). No desire to snatch one & revisit the sleepless nights thanks, menopause is taking care of that!!

soundsystem · 17/08/2022 14:18

Your friend is being weird. I've held strangers babies in simile situations and random strangers have held mine. No babies were harmed. It's a completely normal, helpful human thing to do. Particularly for women who've been there and done it themselves!

Bordesleyhills · 17/08/2022 14:20

Often done it for someone in the supermarket if they’ve been trying to pack/ pay or forgotten something. Nothing worst then forgetting the most important thing you need

LeilaRose777 · 17/08/2022 14:22

It's a huge thing to entrust a stranger with your baby, and you should go with your gut feelings on this, always. As an older woman, I feel hugely honoured to be allowed to hold another woman's child, even for a few seconds. Because of "reasons", I am a mother, but will never be a grandmother, which at times makes me feel deeply sad - I cherish being able to hold a baby, or talk to a toddler/youngster, or to be of help in some way to a younger mum.

storminabuttercup · 17/08/2022 14:27

I think it's fine.

One of the kindest things someone ever did for me was similar this.

We were on holiday, DS was about 18 months, we go out for a meal in this lovely, but thankfully not busy restaurant, all fine until the food arrived, DS then decided he didn't want to sit in the high chair, i was up and down taking him outside etc to stop him whining when the restaurant owner asked if I'd mind if she took him off my hands and let me and DP eat, she took him for a look around the restaurant, took him to the pass of the open kitchen to say hello to the chefs and I wolfed down my pasta.
She told me she had older teens and couldn't wait to be a granny and that I'd made her day, she saved my sanity just a bit too.

A stranger holding your child in full view is pretty safe in my opinion, you may have just made her day

LaBellina · 17/08/2022 14:31

When I took a flight when DS was 6 months old and my parents took me and him to the airport, I was checking in for the flight, my parents stayed with DS and when I turned around, one of the airport staff ladies was holding DS 🤣. An elderly lady who apparently loved babies and asked my mum if she could hold him for just a while. I just thought it was sweet. Nothing wrong with letting a good willing stranger hold your baby for a while in a crowded environment so you can have your hands free for a moment.

OfficiallyBroken · 17/08/2022 14:31

At least 90% of parenting is flying by the seat of your pants and relying on your instincts whilst trying to either metaphorically or physically juggle everything that's in your hands.

The lady that held your baby was obviously giving off safe vibes or you wouldn't have considered it - keep trusting your instinct and remember this kindness for the future when you might be able to make someone else's day just that little bit easier.

CopperLily · 17/08/2022 14:31

Years ago we were on holiday in Spain, our youngest was 4 months old and the most miserable, crying baby ever. We were in a restaurant and as usual she was fussing and our food arrived. There were 2 Finnish couples at a nearby table who offered to watch her whilst we ate and I accepted gratefully. DD was enthralled by those people and behaved herself. I've never forgotten their kindness and somewhere in Finland there's photos of an English baby being cuddled by those people.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 17/08/2022 14:32

Haha, you know what, I read your OP and was totally with you. Then I imagined being your friend; sitting at a table and watching my friend handing her baby to a complete stranger and maybe even turning her back to rummage through her handbag and it made me feel queasy. I feel it was a totally fine thing from your perspective and an uncomfortable thing from your friends perspective. You are both right. Hth 😁

RedWingBoots · 17/08/2022 14:32

namnamnam22 · 17/08/2022 14:03

Sometimes when I’m in a shop with my 11 month old trying to find my card whilst not dropping my keys etc, I just WISH someone would offer to help me for even 5 seconds 😂

Sorry he's a bit heavy. 😂

Though if you put him down I would ensure he didn't crawl out of the store.

TheOrigRights · 17/08/2022 14:32

Did you ask your friend why she would not have allowed it?

sillysmiles · 17/08/2022 14:33

Varoty · 17/08/2022 13:43

The older generation think nothing of doing this, but times have changed. I’m always telling my parents to stop interacting with strangers and getting involved in stuff that isn’t their business. I would have said no thanks and wouldn’t have let them hold my baby.

What a deeply unpleasant way to live and honestly I think you are so out of order to tell your parents to stop interacting with people.

RedWingBoots · 17/08/2022 14:34

OP if your friend's baby was asleep in the pram why didn't she help you by holding yours?

Weird.

Oh and lots of people say Londoners are unfriendly but I learnt in my late teens that if you have a baby or young child with you, people are really helpful.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/08/2022 14:34

Your friend obviously has some issues.

Your instinct was fine! It's not like she was about to grab and run away...

Genevieva · 17/08/2022 14:36

I bet you made her day! Who doesn't love the opportunity to carry a baby for a few minutes? I know I do.

Trinity65 · 17/08/2022 14:39

Dove88 · 17/08/2022 13:35

I’ve been to a very small countryside cafe this morning with my 6 month old. There was a few people in the queue that were all together in a group. They were all women of 60+ and obviously part of some sort of social/hobby group.
I got talking to one and my DD was smiling away at her. She asked if she could hold DD whilst I ordered and got my purse out of my bag. I accepted and carried on talking to her whilst I paid etc then took DD back and said goodbye.
My other mum friend who was already sat at the table said there’s no way she would’ve allowed that. Even though I was stood right next to the woman the whole time and my judgement of her was that she was just a friendly older lady who wanted to help.
AIBU to allow this?

Your friend sounds Precious

YANBU

Jamaisy82 · 17/08/2022 14:41

Perfectly fine. We can't be fearful of everything and cautious of everyone or life would be miserable.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/08/2022 14:41

Don’t second guess yourself. It was a nice thing - you were chatting, she offered, you were right there.

mam0918 · 17/08/2022 14:42

My newborn baby brother was kidnapped like that (almost identical) as a child.

The woman in her 60s joined my mam in a que in a shop being all friendly then asked to hold him, my mam said no but the woman grabbed him off her and ran - my mam is in a wheelchair and couldnt run after her.

Luckily she had already tried and failed to do the same thing twice earlier in the day and the police where already out combing the town looking for her a caught her very quickly (only a few minutes).

Given that I have physically seen it happen no I wouldn't do that.

You never know what triggers these women but its not as rare as you think its just rare they are 'successful' but why take that risk.

BigFatLiar · 17/08/2022 14:44

I think mumsnetters often forget that outside mumsnetland people are often nice. Many years ago when they were little I got in mess with the twins and shock horror a man stopped and helped, I did think him and all he said was he hoped if his wife needed a hand someone would offer.

Triffid1 · 17/08/2022 14:44

Your friend would hate me... I once happily passed DS over to an elderly couple in a library cafe because.... they asked. We had been chatting away while I was waiting for some friends and DS was alert and engaged and they were clearly enjoying interacting and so she asked if she could hold him and I passed him over. I think I took the gap to go get another cup of tea even.

I also seriously considered leaving DD with an elderly couple and their grandchildren just yesterday - we were in a crazy queue at a tourist spot and I was desperate for the loo. But didn't want to lose our spot. We had been chatting away a bit in the queue, as you do and I thought seriously about asking. But in the end, figured that DD wouldn't like it (she's not a baby).

hewouldwouldnthe · 17/08/2022 14:45

A 60+ woman is hardly likely to sprint off with your baby, your friend is nuts.

Goosygandy · 17/08/2022 14:47

Your friend's being ridiculous.

I still remember fondly the woman on holiday who looked after my six month old on the next table so I could finish my meal. As her DH and friends explained, she loves babies and was missing her grandchildren. He's now 21 and just graduated.

It's fine to say no if you don't want it but your baby was in your sight and safe. It was a lovely gesture.