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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL not coming to get together

174 replies

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:02

We're organising this medium size party. DH and SIL don't have the closest relationship and in general they only show up because they drop off presents from my MIL but in 5 years of being together, I think she's only been with us socially at home once (not just because my MIL was here). So maybe it's no surprise that she's not coming, but she doesn't have an excuse, so I've reached a point of why bother?

OP posts:
PinkArt · 17/08/2022 10:08

Does she need an excuse? It sounds like she just doesn't want to come and while that might be disappointing for you, it's completely reasonable of her.

AlisonDonut · 17/08/2022 10:12

Stop inviting her?

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 17/08/2022 10:13

Why would she come if you're not close?

billy1966 · 17/08/2022 10:14

Her choice.
Respect it.
Cease to make any further effort.
Do NOT involve yourself in your husband's relationship with his sister.

Just accept she doesn't wish to be involved with him.

SparklyLeprechaun · 17/08/2022 10:15

Why would she come if you're not close? It's not like it's a family wedding, where she might feel under an obligation. She doesn't need an excuse.
I've never invited my brother to a party, we are not close.

misskatamari · 17/08/2022 10:18

Unless there is a big back story, and she’s pleasant enough when you see her, try not to let it bother you.

if you’re not close, then you don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes. There could be many many reasons why she doesn’t want to come. It’s more than likely not about you.

Eon · 17/08/2022 10:19

She doesn't need an excuse. Normalize not doing things/going to events just because "you don't want to". No "excuse" needed.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/08/2022 10:21

Unless it upsets your DH then does it matter? Just treat it as a family ritual: you invite, she declines, life goes on as normal. Do you really want to sit making polite awkward conversation for the sake of it?

Schooldil3ma · 17/08/2022 10:26

Assuming you just send a text inviting her, along with others, and she declined, I don't see this as a major drama.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:28

I just want our son to have an auntie, she's the only local relative he has.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 17/08/2022 10:28

I think this is a case of having to accept what can't be changed. You're right to stop bothering.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/08/2022 10:28

She doesn’t need an excuse, she doesn’t want to come. What’s the problem?

toomuchlaundry · 17/08/2022 10:30

I assume she isn’t bothered about being an auntie

KyrieEleison · 17/08/2022 10:30

I agree that it's a bit sad that she's not bothering.

How old are you? TBH I had the attitude of PPs when I was younger - ie I don't want to so I'm not going to.. Now I'm in my 40s I can see that it's worth making an effort, especially with family.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/08/2022 10:30

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:28

I just want our son to have an auntie, she's the only local relative he has.

Find a friend who can act as aunt.

She is not obligated to play Mary Poppins if she’s not interested in kids.

You are being somewhat entitled.

gannett · 17/08/2022 10:31

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:28

I just want our son to have an auntie, she's the only local relative he has.

Well, she obviously has no interest in this. Why do you think your desire for your son to have an auntie overrides her desire not to be an auntie?

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 17/08/2022 10:33

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/08/2022 10:30

Find a friend who can act as aunt.

She is not obligated to play Mary Poppins if she’s not interested in kids.

You are being somewhat entitled.

Show quote history

Agree with this. She’s not obligated to find your children interesting just because they have some vaguely familiar DNA

loosebutton · 17/08/2022 10:34

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:28

I just want our son to have an auntie, she's the only local relative he has.

Tough. She's not there for your son. She had no choice in the matter shes a person in her own right

WhatNoRaisins · 17/08/2022 10:36

I get wanting an auntie for your son but you can't make her step into this role if she isn't. Let it go and focus on people who you do have a positive relationship with.

AquaticSewingMachine · 17/08/2022 10:36

Your son doesn't care whether or not he has an auntie.

Make a family of choice. Your friends can be aunties to him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/08/2022 10:38

My dd doesn’t have an aunt around either. Friends were great when she was little.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:39

Well she's more of an auntie to my SKs so it feels strange. Yes, I know if she's not interested she's not interested, and I don't want her to be Mary Poppins or free childcare

OP posts:
godmum56 · 17/08/2022 10:39

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:28

I just want our son to have an auntie, she's the only local relative he has.

that's not your choice to make. This is not about what you want.

loosebutton · 17/08/2022 10:40

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:39

Well she's more of an auntie to my SKs so it feels strange. Yes, I know if she's not interested she's not interested, and I don't want her to be Mary Poppins or free childcare

So? Doesn't matter. Her relationship with your DSC is different.

Penguinsaregreat · 17/08/2022 10:40

It’s totally her choice.
You have no idea what she feels about your dh.
Leave her she does not have to be close to any of you.