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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL not coming to get together

174 replies

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:02

We're organising this medium size party. DH and SIL don't have the closest relationship and in general they only show up because they drop off presents from my MIL but in 5 years of being together, I think she's only been with us socially at home once (not just because my MIL was here). So maybe it's no surprise that she's not coming, but she doesn't have an excuse, so I've reached a point of why bother?

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 11:51

The party is just for the same of having a party! The breakup was though, but that being said... I actually have a better relationship with his ex wife than with my SIL!

OP posts:
dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 11:51

The break up was though what?

10HailMarys · 17/08/2022 11:52

I just want our son to have an auntie, she's the only local relative he has.

You can't make someone fulfil a role just because you want them to be a certain thing for your child. It doesn't work like that.

You say yourself that she isn't close to your DH, so presumably there's a reason for that somewhere along the line and it's not likely to change overnight.

I do get why you feel hurt by this, especially as you feel she's closer to your DH's older children - I can absolutely understand that it seems unfair and I do sympathise; it is completely natural that you want your son to have close family there for him and I'm really sorry that's not working out. But I don't think it's something you can force, so I think it's one of those things that you need to accept and just move on from. FWIW, the adults I was closest to and most fond of as a child were my parents' friends, rather than my 'real' aunts and uncles (they were all nice people but we didn't see them that much and weren't super close or anything) so if you have friends in your life that your son sees regularly, I would focus on them.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 11:54

*tough not though, sorry. We don't have that many friends, but this party is a way to try to change that.

OP posts:
Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 11:56

-So maybe it's no surprise that she's not coming,

how odd you even say “maybe”

Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 11:57

I actually have a better relationship with his ex wife than with my SIL!

thst will no doubt rightfully play a part op depending on situation

alongside all the other reasons you list which would explain why she’s not coming!

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 11:58

Other times we've invited her over she's always had excuse, but this time there was enough notice but she still say she didn't know if she was coming or not and no reason given

OP posts:
InsertPunHere · 17/08/2022 12:03

OP, she's not that into you. She's not that into her brother. They have decades of history and you can't change that into happy families by force of will.

The reason she can't explain why she isn't coming is that "I don't want to" isn't a reason you'll accept. No one is obliged to go to something just because they've been invited.

It's a bummer, sure, but there you go.

thesurrealist · 17/08/2022 12:07

Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2022 11:12

If she's more of an auntie to your step-kids, sounds like she had more of a relationship with the first wife and DC and might not have moved on like your DH. These things happen and if she has any issue with him or you, it's best that she keeps things at a civil distance. She's not bothered about acting as auntie to your DC so agree that 'why bother' should be your stance with social invitations. Your DC has his local step-siblings and won't miss an auntie he never really had.

This is similar to my situation. I was close friends with one of my brothers' wives and so saw my nieces from that marriage more often than other children (I have to be honest, they are the only children I've ever really liked!). I wasn't close to that brother and I also knew what shit he put his wife through.

When they divorced i carried on a relationship with my ex-SIL because of the friendship we had and so saw the kids often. They are now teenagers and are still the only children I've ever really liked.
My brother re-married but I didn't gel with his new wife. NO particular reason, we are just very different people and not interested in getting to know each other. When their kids came along, I didn't feel as invested in them as I did in the older ones.

I'm sure my new SIL would say the same as you.

Endlesslypatient82 · 17/08/2022 12:07

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 11:58

Other times we've invited her over she's always had excuse, but this time there was enough notice but she still say she didn't know if she was coming or not and no reason given

Leave the poor woman alone!! She doesn’t want to come to your “let’s get some friends” event

dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:07

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 11:54

*tough not though, sorry. We don't have that many friends, but this party is a way to try to change that.

Does "the break up was tough" mean it was nasty and/or you were the OW?

dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:11

I do know that's a cliche but I wouldn't want to be friends with either of a couple who were cheaters - neither my brother or potentially his new partner if she was his affair.

Nor would I want to be friends with my brother if he has behaved appallingly during the divorce and since his new partner had stayed with him then she tacitly condones it.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:12

Everybody obviously will have their own version of the breakup, and no I wasn't the OW. My DH days he never really wanted to get married and only did it because he thought it would make their life happy, but he knew they were never a good match. My stepson was born short of one year into their relationship, so I can understand that bit (but I'll never understand why he decided to have a second child if he felt that way).To her obviously it came out of the blue, as they were only married for 9 months, they were together for 9-10 years or so.

OP posts:
lisavanderpumpscloset · 17/08/2022 12:12

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 11:58

Other times we've invited her over she's always had excuse, but this time there was enough notice but she still say she didn't know if she was coming or not and no reason given

She doesn't need a reason. She doesn't want to come. End of.

SpinCityBlues · 17/08/2022 12:13

All breaks ups are tough - but some involve unforgiveable behaviour. Only you know the answer to that, OP.

Or maybe as pp said, she's just not that into you. I'd leave her be.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:13

She was the witness at our wedding though!

OP posts:
DenholmElliot1 · 17/08/2022 12:14

So what happens when you invite her over for a big roast lunch?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:17

Well how would I know the behaviour if I wasn't there? My DH says he was an ahole for marrying her and making her feel things would be ok, when they'd never have been. I'll only ever hear his version, although maybe one day his ex will open up, who knows!

OP posts:
dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:19

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:17

Well how would I know the behaviour if I wasn't there? My DH says he was an ahole for marrying her and making her feel things would be ok, when they'd never have been. I'll only ever hear his version, although maybe one day his ex will open up, who knows!

You'll know.

I've followed your other threads and I remember them. Your husband is an arsehole to you. Don't you think it's likely he was similar to her?

dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:20

Plus if your SIL is close to his ex, the ex will have told her what he is and was like.

Bananarama21 · 17/08/2022 12:24

So your dh led his partner on and married her , had a child then another. Talk about rewriting history they were together 9-10 years before marriage that's a committed relationship. I suspect his head was turned either by yourself or someone else and changed the narrative to suit his agenda. Which is why your sil has no interest in a relationship with you both. It doesn't take a genius to work it out with the information you just given and the fact you've both got zero friends.

ddl1 · 17/08/2022 12:25

She's not obliged to attend a party. Parties are supposed to be fun, not duties. If she doesn't want to attend, that's a good enough reason, so long as she lets you know in advance that she's not coming. Not everyone is either a 'party person' or a 'family person'. As regards being an auntie to your son, well, it's disappointing, but you can't force that sort of relationship. When I was a kid, my only aunt lived 5000 miles away, but I had very good relationships with family friends who acted like 'aunties'. As an adult, I am an 'auntie' to children who are not blood relatives.

Kite22 · 17/08/2022 12:25

As others have said, it sounds like she has a relationship with dh's first wife, and would feel uncomfortable building a relationship with his 2nd wife.

It doesn't sound (as I had first presumed) that this is a birthday party for your dc or anything, but an attempt by you to 'get some friends'. Well, maybe she doesn't want to be friends. Maybe she thinks her brother has behaved really badly and, although she is obliged to have a token relationship with him, she doesn't want to extend it into socialising with him.

I mean, we are all speculating and none of use actually know, but, as all the first replies (before you added the information about relationship with your dsc) said, it is up to her who she socialises with. You can invite anyone you like, but there is no obligation to socialise with your brother.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:25

Only financially (or that's my main grief). She didn't work, so it would be different? My main issue with him is that thanks to his spending I have to subsidize the home and not spend my own money in whichever I find best. After a week on my own I actually didn't feel like my life was better without him, so I think I'm definitely on a better path in that sense.

OP posts:
dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:29

He's a porn used to the detriment of your family finances and a drinker.

You can do better for yourself.

And having happy family parties and papering over the cracks and externally making it all look good won't fix your relationship problems.

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