Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL not coming to get together

174 replies

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:02

We're organising this medium size party. DH and SIL don't have the closest relationship and in general they only show up because they drop off presents from my MIL but in 5 years of being together, I think she's only been with us socially at home once (not just because my MIL was here). So maybe it's no surprise that she's not coming, but she doesn't have an excuse, so I've reached a point of why bother?

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:29

No we don't have that many friends because neither of us are very social people and I've WFH ever since I moved here (8 years ago). I haven't had that many friends in those 8 years, I don't think it's a reflection of my quality of a person but maybe a reflection of the quality of my social skills.

OP posts:
dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:30

and I remember because I was horrified on your behalf. He's not a good bet to hitch your wagon to.

Bananarama21 · 17/08/2022 12:30

This is your 3rd thread about this party, I suspect theres a reason people have distanced thereselves and don't want to come

Eunorition · 17/08/2022 12:30

Why on earth did you make a thread about this tiny banal event in your life?

TheSpottedZebra · 17/08/2022 12:32

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:25

Only financially (or that's my main grief). She didn't work, so it would be different? My main issue with him is that thanks to his spending I have to subsidize the home and not spend my own money in whichever I find best. After a week on my own I actually didn't feel like my life was better without him, so I think I'm definitely on a better path in that sense.

I've not read your other threads but based on this, maybe she doesn't want to be involved in your drama. Yours and your partner's I mean.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:32

I really love hosting parties what can I say!!

OP posts:
dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:32

Bananarama21 · 17/08/2022 12:30

This is your 3rd thread about this party, I suspect theres a reason people have distanced thereselves and don't want to come

Also this. There is a reason. You don't want to see it.

I hope you sort your life out aka lose the husband. You might find you have more friends when you're not encumbered by him.

I don't socialise with blokes who are big drinkers and if I got a sense he was a porn user that would be a no too.

chipsandpeas · 17/08/2022 12:33

she doesnt want to be involved, stop trying to force something thats never going to happen by doing it this way, pull back and stop inviting her to stuff

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:33

How would she know about any drama? IRL only we two know (and my therapist, and to some extent my DM)

OP posts:
dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:34

You subsidise him to spend his money on porn and only fans.

You can do better op. Is this really the example you want to set for your kids?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:35

Well I mean as long as he doesn't spend the money (which he has stopped) he can do whatever he wants to do in his toilet breaks / spare time.

OP posts:
dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:36

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:33

How would she know about any drama? IRL only we two know (and my therapist, and to some extent my DM)

You're naive if you think other people can't sense something is "off". They will know the historic drama because his ex knows that and any drama with the kids (which there has been too).

The party isn't the problem and your SIL isn't the problem.

dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:37

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:35

Well I mean as long as he doesn't spend the money (which he has stopped) he can do whatever he wants to do in his toilet breaks / spare time.

God that's grim. Poor you. Your self esteem must be on the floor. So it's ok for him to watch free porn and wank in the toilet as long as he didn't spend money on it.

WhatNoRaisins · 17/08/2022 12:38

People often think they are doing a good job covering up conflict when they aren't. Sadly a lot of people prefer to avoid people with a lot of drama even if it's subconscious behaviour. Could the problems in your marriage be making people want to keep their distance?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:40

Not really, I just have never had an issue with porn. In my early 20s I even tried to set up my own production company. I wanted to call it "Lovecraft" which is cringe I know, and probably copyrighted too! But it was me and two of my best friends (one a scriptwriter and the other a photographer).

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 17/08/2022 12:42

Also could your other half be giving people the creeps?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:42

Doubt it! I mean in five years I've only seen her what 8 times? I don't think I've seen her this year. We have a few couples we hang out with every now and then and never had any issues with either of them

OP posts:
dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:42

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:40

Not really, I just have never had an issue with porn. In my early 20s I even tried to set up my own production company. I wanted to call it "Lovecraft" which is cringe I know, and probably copyrighted too! But it was me and two of my best friends (one a scriptwriter and the other a photographer).

People will sense the weird vibe. That's unusual to say the least. But people might not know why but they'll sense a creepy vibe.

Andromachehadabadday · 17/08/2022 12:44

Sounds like you want her there and around to fill a gap YOU think should be filled.

You want to host parties. But don’t have many friends. So want Sil as a filler.

You want your child to have aunt, because the child has no ‘other relatives’. Apart from 3 siblings and parents….they are also relatives. You want her to be a filler for the lack of extended friends and family around.

Your husband is an arsehole, was an arsehole to his ex wife and his sister will know he is an arsehole. And you want her to ignore that an act like a sister whose brother isn’t an arsehole, because you want her to act as a filler.

Just because she is related to your husband, doesn’t mean she has to fulfill a role you want to her, so you can do the things you enjoy. And just because you put up with him, doesn’t mean she has to either.

You sound utterly self absorbed and as though you only view people in relation to you own wants.

Bananarama21 · 17/08/2022 12:45

I think your delusional tbh.

dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:46

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:42

Doubt it! I mean in five years I've only seen her what 8 times? I don't think I've seen her this year. We have a few couples we hang out with every now and then and never had any issues with either of them

The difference is that your SIL knows exactly what your husband is like

SpinCityBlues · 17/08/2022 12:50

Maybe she had put up with him wanking in the toilet growing up. I mean, come on - who knows?

God knows why she agreed to be a witness at your wedding. Possibly her own triumph of hope over experience that you would sort him out; or social awkwardness in saying no.

And now she's pulling back.

CaptainMyCaptain · 17/08/2022 12:50

PinkArt · 17/08/2022 10:08

Does she need an excuse? It sounds like she just doesn't want to come and while that might be disappointing for you, it's completely reasonable of her.

This. Nobody is obliged to come to your party.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:50

Maybe? How would I know? One of the key theories is that my DH works with her exH (who might come BTW) . It's most likely the loyalty thing, realistically.

OP posts:
dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 12:52

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 12:50

Maybe? How would I know? One of the key theories is that my DH works with her exH (who might come BTW) . It's most likely the loyalty thing, realistically.

And you've invited her ex husband?

Jesus wept

Swipe left for the next trending thread