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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL not coming to get together

174 replies

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:02

We're organising this medium size party. DH and SIL don't have the closest relationship and in general they only show up because they drop off presents from my MIL but in 5 years of being together, I think she's only been with us socially at home once (not just because my MIL was here). So maybe it's no surprise that she's not coming, but she doesn't have an excuse, so I've reached a point of why bother?

OP posts:
ItsSnowJokes · 17/08/2022 10:43

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:28

I just want our son to have an auntie, she's the only local relative he has.

She doesn't want that type of relationship so you can't force it on someone.

I dont talk to my brother, he is a selfish arsehole who has ruined numerous family events that earlier this year I said enough is enough. My daughter doesn't really know who he is as he isn't bothered about her (before the no contact) you can't force that relationship.

A580Hojas · 17/08/2022 10:44

Goodness, some very very rude and abrupt replies on this thread!

OP - you just have to learn to let it go I'm afraid. Of course you are hurt that someone you invite to an occasion always declines, of course it isn't nice to have an invitation rejected.

But it looks like she's set in her ways and isn't going to change. It's a shame you can't have the close relationship you'd like but I would take the message now and stop inviting her. There's something clearly at play here and you'll drive yourself mad trying to second guess or accommodate her.

Motnight · 17/08/2022 10:44

You can't make someone care. It's rubbish but I would respect her obvious choices and take a step back about trying to involve her in your lives.

Aus84 · 17/08/2022 10:45

she’ll have her reasons. I haven’t spoken to my brother for years, I don’t even want to be in the same room as him. The list of reasons is so long and really awful, our family know but most of them choose to ignore it as ‘he’s family’. His newer friends think he’s fantastic, if he was to get a new GF she would think I was a horrible person.

loosebutton · 17/08/2022 10:45

A580Hojas · 17/08/2022 10:44

Goodness, some very very rude and abrupt replies on this thread!

OP - you just have to learn to let it go I'm afraid. Of course you are hurt that someone you invite to an occasion always declines, of course it isn't nice to have an invitation rejected.

But it looks like she's set in her ways and isn't going to change. It's a shame you can't have the close relationship you'd like but I would take the message now and stop inviting her. There's something clearly at play here and you'll drive yourself mad trying to second guess or accommodate her.

I'd keep inviting her or make it open so she knows every time he is invited she is too.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:45

I don't think they're close, but I do feel like I'm always making some sort of effort (in my own way) and the she just snubs us off.

OP posts:
yonce · 17/08/2022 10:47

Do you have a full picture of their relationship, or just what your DH has said? Not all siblings are close, but if she's closer to your step children and not you or your DC, or your DH now I would be thinking something has gone on.

She doesn't need an excuse to not attend an event you're having, as they say it's an invite not a summons. I'd let go of any expectations you have of a relationship with her, as it seems she's not interested.

Ponoka7 · 17/08/2022 10:48

Are your step children not local? If so your son has a family. If she's going to treat him differently, then it's better that he never knows her. She'll reap as she does, I know so many people, now in their 60's, who want that family connection, but their nieces and nephews haven't had the bond from childhood, so reject them. In the future don't make him feel obligated to have contact, she's decided on their relationship.

Mumspair1 · 17/08/2022 10:52

Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:28

I just want our son to have an auntie, she's the only local relative he has.

I really dislike it when people try to force relationships and use the kids as a reason. She is clearly not bothered with her own brother, why would she be bothered with his son? And more importantly do you really want your son to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want it, just to say he has an Auntie?

Holly60 · 17/08/2022 10:53

Ahh op it IS a shame and I would also be upset and hurt by it.

It's a different attitude entirely. I am lucky that I have family on both sides who see the value of being there for each other and turning up.

Maybe they aren't close BECAUSE she doesn't make an effort to see her brother.

My brother and I don't naturally have a lot in common in terms of interests etc but we've always made the effort to spend time with each other, talk to each other and learn about each other's views on things. We also adore each other's children which is in itself enough to be honest 😂. We are super close.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 10:55

Oh yes my DSC are local our DS has 3 siblings and he's very fortunate in that sense

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 17/08/2022 10:56

We went through similar with my sil too. I'd make her welcome and invite her and her son over. She'd dump and run, this turned into getting her husband to dump and run! It was like she couldn't bring herself to even talk to me. I realised at a family funeral, where she'd talk to everyone but turn her back on me. It was very hurtful. I couldn't be bothered with trying with her anymore. I'm not werid, I'm a nice person and look good. I decided to just stop with her altogether. I don't even think of her anymore. That's the best advice I have for you, just stop trying and let her go, because she doesn't want the relationship.

Fairyliz · 17/08/2022 11:00

Blimey there are some harsh replies on here.
My DC’s didn’t have any aunts when they were young and it was sad seeing all of my friends children having fabulous relationships with extended families that mine didn’t have.
All very well saying friends can act as aunts, but I found the ones who had children also had nieces/nephews so didn’t want any more.
Friends who didn’t have children either it was by choice so had high powered careers and weren’t interested in children. Those that couldn’t have children found it difficult to be around other people’s children.
Sorry you are in this situation op.

NewMoney1000000 · 17/08/2022 11:00

Maybe she doesn’t like big groups.
I’ve missed loads of dos on my DH’s side simply because I don’t enjoy them.

Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2022 11:12

If she's more of an auntie to your step-kids, sounds like she had more of a relationship with the first wife and DC and might not have moved on like your DH. These things happen and if she has any issue with him or you, it's best that she keeps things at a civil distance. She's not bothered about acting as auntie to your DC so agree that 'why bother' should be your stance with social invitations. Your DC has his local step-siblings and won't miss an auntie he never really had.

Fink · 17/08/2022 11:18

I assume the stepchildren are also your husband's children, from a previous relationship? Maybe she gets on better with his ex than you or her brother. Maybe she blames your dh (and you?) for the break-up and has sided with the ex. Whether it's that or for whatever other reason, she clearly doesn't want much of a relationship with your family so you can't force her to play auntie just because your son doesn't have anyone else close by and she wants a relationship with her other nieces and nephews. You might feel sad about your son having a small family (I know the feeling!), but there's nothing you can do about it, it's her choice.

thecatsthecats · 17/08/2022 11:26

Kids o ly ever give a shit about adult dramas if the adults make them part of it.

Children don't specifically need aunts and uncles. I'm closer to my parents neighbour than any blood aunt. And to my own nephews I'm closer to the ones of the sister I'm close with. The other sister makes wide-eyed complaints about my lack of engagement, but really if you look at it, I made all the running. She never once arranged a visit to me.

If you really want to receive, have you considered giving? Visiting her, bringing gifts, offering her support? Not just inviting and expecting her to jump joyfully into the picture you've created for her?

notanothertakeaway · 17/08/2022 11:35

IRL, most people would think it's a shame when family don't make an effort

On MN, it seems perfectly normal

whynotwhatknot · 17/08/2022 11:40

so does she see the dsc seprately to you then

maybe she didnt approve of the break up or something

thecatsthecats · 17/08/2022 11:41

notanothertakeaway · 17/08/2022 11:35

IRL, most people would think it's a shame when family don't make an effort

On MN, it seems perfectly normal

IRL, most people might SAY that it's a shame. You can't really claim to know what they'd think.

I think online forums are a good place to challenge the biases and assumptions you have based on what people say.

What you've said is essentially, "I've previously only heard one side to this, and now I've heard a different opinion, but I'm not going to change the way I think about the matter at all."

MatildaTheCat · 17/08/2022 11:41

So your DH has an ex with whom he had 3 DC? And she’s closer to them? It sounds like a loyalty issue. Perhaps she’s close to the ex and doesn’t approve of your relationship.

Definitely look elsewhere for stable adult figure to be in your DC’s life. I’m a surrogate aunt to my closest friend’s children as well as birth aunt to a very large number of family offspring.

BakewellGin1 · 17/08/2022 11:43

My DC have an aunt who is a lovely person but is relatively young, childless and loves to travel. She drops off presents on birthdays and Christmas but that's it really. They arnt close, she doesn't play with them or spend time with them

They also have an Uncle, Aunt and a cousins we are NC with.

Neither child has ever been bothered about lack of relationship with either.

Yes it's a shame but neither relationship will ever be any different. People arnt always what you want them to be.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 17/08/2022 11:45

No he had 2, I have 1. And yes , she does see them separately but I don't know how regularly.

OP posts:
dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 11:45

What's the purpose of the party?

dribblewibble · 17/08/2022 11:48

Is she sees the dsc separately, what was the break up like?