Parent caused a scene in public. AIBU to be so angry

[Celia24]

About 4 years ago I went on holiday with family and my dad caused a huge fall out. There had never been arguments before & it took years to get over. Since then they've been trying to convince me to go on a trip with them again and I've balked due to previous behaviour. But last 2 years have been great.

My mum just had a big birthday so we planned a celebration for her, I bought expensive theatre tickets and my dad covered the cost of really nice accommodation. All this trip she's been very short with both of us (more than usual) but generally ok the rest of the time.

We've been away for nearly a week and tonight is our last night. Went for a nice meal when my mum got angry at something my dad had said. An over reaction imo.

Within ten mins she had attacked both of us, finally throwing her napkin on the table and about to storm out. We begged her not to and she stayed but cried, drawing attention from waiters and others. I quickly got the bill and left my meal. Felt so embarrassed.

I've had a stressful time at work and this was meant to be my respite. I can't believe she would do this, I think it shows a selfishness and disrespect for me, and I'm considering going grey rock with her as soon as this is over. AIBU?

@kateandme I'm not denying she knows him very well re the digs/can see through him.

But they both play this game. She is very critical of him lately - I think the digs are his way of getting his own back. I don't know what has happened as even five years ago everything was fine between us.

But making a scene in a restaurant knowing how important a relaxing break was to me too - I find it utterly selfish.
this was meant to be my respite
thought nothing of… ruining my trip
wasn’t it booked for her birthday, a big birthday no less? It was her holiday trip not your respite care, you book that separately and exactly how you want it. Few people love every moment of a trip booked for someone else’s birthday, because you’re trying to make it for them.
And as for ruined your trip, one night where someone argued and cried at the table should not ruin a nice week. That’s on you if you let it. I’d just write that night off and forget about it. It’s her big birthday trip, and she tried to leave the table but that wasn’t ok with you either. Everything isn’t about you.

You talk about parent’s duty, regardless of age - parents are human too. People have bad days, things they feel sensitive abojt, etc. Expecting someone to push down their emotions and be perfect whenever they spend time with you for the rest of their life is ambitious and, to me, feels a bit like setting them up to fail.

It sounds like everybody could have managed this situation better; your dad knows your mum well enough to push her buttons, your mum lost her rag and you expected more from them than they could give.

I’m from an extremely high conflict family, a few sharp words and a napkin thrown on a table is a good family day out. I wish I had a family that could play nicely or love me how I want to be loved but I don’t and I won’t ever have that.

All you can do, and all I try to do, is better understand the dynamics, accept who they are and decide what role to play. Focusing on what people should do (repress their feelings, be grateful for the holiday) or what they’ve taken from you (a relaxing holiday, a perfect family, public dignity) isn’t going to make them different people or provide you with a different outcome. They are not obligated to behave how you’d like or be who you want them to be.

Are you going to tell us what he said? If not, then why not?

And once again, you fail to answer the question repeatedly put to you: what did he say? Leading to the conclusion that what he said was either fucking horrible in itself, or the culmination of a number of unpleasant comments over the period leading up to your mum's outburst; and that you know full well that it wasn't on, but you expected your mum just to put up and shut up because you are some kind of precious child-adult who thinks everything is about you and your enjoyment. YABVU

He didn't say anything of note.

We were talking about something we'd seen in the news. I had a different opinion to her, which is fine, we don't agree on everything. My dad then said 'I agree with Celia' - as far as I could see, not in a goady way, just as a statement of fact. She then saw red, that we were ganging up etc.

I didn't mention it because it seemed like such an insignificant thing that set her off. When we got home my dad said he definitely isn't trying to push her buttons the way she thinks...I think truth lies somewhere in the middle.

My dad said he is really upset and worried by her outburst. Two hours later she came and said hello to us like nothing had happened. He went to bed which I think was just as well.

This trip has reminded me it is best to spend time one on one with them and not together. It upsets me that it has to be that way but it seems to be the only way.

He didn't say anything of note.

We were talking about something we'd seen in the news. I had a different opinion to her, which is fine, we don't agree on everything. My dad then said 'I agree with Celia'

Well it really does depend on what it was that you and dad agreed on, doesn't it?

It might not be 'of note' to you. It clearly was to your mum. The fact that you completely dismiss your mum's opinions is interesting. Any reasons why?

Just going by your posts, I think you can forgive your mum IMO if you were able to forgive your dad 4 years ago. It does sound like pent up emotions coming out and unfortunately you had to witness it.
It's not pleasant and I know what it's like, I experience similar with my own parents frequently.
Unless we know exactly how your mum feels I don't think I can condemn her for her blow up but equally I get why you feel disappointed. Try not to look at it as a ruined holiday if the rest of it was fine though. Try to keep a positive mindset if you can just for your own well-being,

You don’t think he said anything of note, so decided to ignore the dozens of posters asking what he’d said, over several hours? Why?

You’ve also described him as ‘sniping’. In what way is ‘I agree with Celia’, sniping?

What was the ‘something’ you’d seen in the news and what was the disagreement? Why are you so reluctant to tell us? It’s a bit odd, at this point.

So next time you know to laugh in their face and say "Not until Hell freezes over"

If you are out anywhere with them for a meal, or any day out, and either of them looks like starting something, you don't try and placate or shush you just get up, walk out and leave them to it.

You could even do that if you at their house and it starts.

If they are visiting you and start something it will be more tricky but if you feel tough enough you could try telling them they pack it in immediately or leave.

Basically just refuse to be part of their drama.

She doesn’t sound very happy. It was her birthday. He upset her. Maybe she is a sensitive person. Maybe he upsets her regularly. If she is overreacting is something bigger concerning her. Sounds like she needs support or is on the edge with him?

You sound like a spoilt teen. How old are you? This was your mum's special birthday trip, not yours - and yet you still expect her to have no feelings of her own (even though your dad has a history of winding her up) and to prioritise your feelings instead.

If and when you're a bit older, you'll come to realise that mothers have a right to feelings - yes, even to be upset, even in public - too.

Your dad sounds like a bit of a wind-up merchant. I feel sorry for your poor mum. I hope she enjoyed the rest of her week away, and has some other, less self-obsessed family members!

@flowersandsunshine the op says she's a millennial- so not that young!

I'm grateful for a lot responses but I'm going to bed now and will leave the thread there. It has been quite a draining evening and we have to out of our accommodation early.

@Cherchezlaspice because the news article we were talking about is totally irrelevant. What is relevant is that my dad agreed with me which she took as evidence of 'ganging up'.

As well as insults Ive had some similar personal stories and good advice which I'll come back to. I can't fix my parents marriage - and I don't feel I can be my mum's support either. I love both parents and don't want to take sides. I was naive to think we have a nice time without fights. Just need to accept they are dysfunctional and I can't fix it.

I think both of them are acting out the dynamics they grew up with - I so want to break out of it but it's very hard to be stuck in the crossfire. I might need counselling to work out how to do this.

Yes I'll do that @5foot5

Dementia onset?

To me it sounds as though your parents are locked in a toxic phase of their relationship where they are sniping and finding fault with each other and that you were invited along on the holiday to be the buffer/peacekeeper between them. TBH it was clear that something was likely to kick off when they were so desperate to get you they and promising that everyone would get along - not normal. Then you get dragged in to their argument.

Make a promise to yourself that you will never go on a family holiday with them again as it's such a waste of your AL

You think it’s irrelevant. Clearly quite a few of us don’t. It’s not like anything in the news will ‘out’ you, so (if that’s what actually happened - as it took a while for you to even admit that much) why not just tell us what it was?

The fact that you have been (and remain) so cagey is extremely odd. If you choose to consider that an insult, that’s completely up to you.

But they both play this game. She is very critical of him lately - I think the digs are his way of getting his own back. I don't know what has happened as even five years ago everything was fine between us.

So your dad WAS making digs at your mum.
You said your dad said something innocent (from your pov) and your mum became upset and lost her temper. And your anger is mainly about them not keeping quiet and ruining your holiday. It doesn’t sound nice towards your mum.
We can’t comment who was right because of lack of information. Yes, people should stay calm but it’s not always easy and you don’t know whether it’s his first comment of the week or 1056th comment of the day.
I think you shouldn’t go on holiday with your parents any more. Lots of people said that their comment about being nice on holiday was a huge red flag and it’s spot on.
By the way your view are affected by being young and unmarried (=inexperienced).

This. Some people love drama and will get upset about silly things. Others love drama and like to upset others about silly things. Sounds like your parents are both.
Don't pander.

OP’s creating her own drama isn’t she. Saying this one night ruined the holiday.
It was just an argument.

I come from a family where they do this -ruin every birthday, christmas, trip -sniping at each other until one storms off. I sit there with butterfilies trying to keep the peace, not be picked on etc and you know what it took me 45 years to realise they are narcs and abusers. My father is the worst but my mum can be vile too.

I am the one that suffers.

I didn't believe they were narcs until someone on here pointed me in the direction of some Dr Ramine (sp?) video on youtube on narcs -and then my world came crashing down.

We'd go to the theatre and my dad would get offended by someone in his opinion driving too close so he would slam the brakes on until the car flashed him and an argument happened. We'd arrive stressed in tears or whatever.

Or we'd get there and my mother would say the person behind was nudging her seat or te queues too long for the toilet.

Normal comments to another family but I was hyperviligant.

This time you need to say -no more. Nothing nada -no more group stuff.

If you do -don't drink, always have your car and just get up and go -at the FIRST sign of any argument or rudeness. Just go.

Honestly, if what OP’s father had said wasn’t vile, she wouldn’t be so cagey about it. She’d tell us. Despite being asked multiple times, she’s unwilling to do so.

She's also stated that her Dad had been sniping all holiday and this may have been the final straw, as well as admitting that her father often does this. But apparently her mother has ‘no sense of humour’. 🤨

I’ve seen, in real life and on MN, quite enough women with nasty sniping husbands driving them to despair and rage while being told that they ‘overreact’ and ‘have no sense of humour’ to be fairly suspicious of all this. And OP is coming across as a particularly reliable narrator, at this point.

Also which rural, dangerous to walk home alone village has an expensive theatre? I just can't picture being in the middle of nowhere and also seeing a play that costs loads of money, how do they draw in enough people?

@WrongWayApricot

Really? this is not the point of the thread but I can think of several such events just in the area I live. And dangerous to walk home doesn't have to mean a rough area. It could just mean several miles alo unlit road with no pavement.

At this time of year I bet there are loads of such events. If it was Winter my money would be on Norfolk.